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Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: janggut] #67331
07/03/07 11:17 PM
07/03/07 11:17 PM
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AlrikFassbauer Offline
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In Antwort auf:



@ Jurak -> i really miss u, Orc Chief!

& for making me smile this morning, i would like to share with u what i've read in an English Learning website;

The US President Proves How Difficult English Really Is!

The President's Problems with Vocabulary & Meaning




We have a similar "problem" here.

The head and Minister of Bavaria (one of Germany's several federal states), Mr. Stoiber, is known to have similar problems ...

I just quote from the German section of these forums :

In Antwort auf:

Hört euch mal des an

Stoibers "Glanzstücke"

Stoibers legendäre Transrapid-Rede für alle die nicht hören können




In Antwort auf:

US-Präsident Breschnew fehlt aber anscheinend noch.

Immerhin erstaunlich, dass er sich noch an den Namen erinnern kann.




Well, if that is true that he actually said "US-President Brezhnev" ...
("Breschenew" is the German form of his name.)




When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it.
--Dilbert cartoon

"Interplay�.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: AlrikFassbauer] #67332
08/03/07 01:34 PM
08/03/07 01:34 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,352
Lóthlorien, Middle Earth
galadriel Offline
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Jurak, long lost friend!! I'm soo glad you decided to rejoin this crew. May the force of humour always be with you my big green friend!!



Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: galadriel] #67333
14/03/07 12:49 AM
14/03/07 12:49 AM
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Posts: 4,357
malaysia
janggut Offline
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ok, some of these are old but .......


MARRIAGES

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."



......a gift from LaFille......
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: janggut] #67334
31/03/07 04:49 AM
31/03/07 04:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
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St Louis, Missouri
LadySarah Offline
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I'm not sure if this is funny or horrifying...

Funny Doctor Chart Bloopers:
Actual Medical Record Entries Mistakes From Doctors

Discharge status: alive but without permission.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She is numb from her toes down.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.







Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67335
31/03/07 05:00 AM
31/03/07 05:00 AM
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St Louis, Missouri
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Hmmm... Nobody replied to my ad to go back in time....

Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67336
31/03/07 05:20 AM
31/03/07 05:20 AM
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Posts: 3,352
Lóthlorien, Middle Earth
galadriel Offline
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Very funny Lady Sarah , nice to see you back!!



Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: galadriel] #67337
31/03/07 02:57 PM
31/03/07 02:57 PM
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St Louis, Missouri
LadySarah Offline
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Thanks Galadriel. It's good to be back!


Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67338
03/04/07 01:18 AM
03/04/07 01:18 AM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 4,357
malaysia
janggut Offline
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@ Lady Sarah -> welcome back!



......a gift from LaFille......
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: janggut] #67339
03/04/07 02:59 AM
03/04/07 02:59 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 659
St Louis, Missouri
LadySarah Offline
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Hi janggut!! It's good to see everyone again!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.


Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67340
06/04/07 02:02 AM
06/04/07 02:02 AM
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St Louis, Missouri
LadySarah Offline
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Since I be out of town this weekend, Happy Easter Early Everybody!!


http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/easter.jpg


Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67341
16/05/07 11:20 AM
16/05/07 11:20 AM
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AlrikFassbauer Offline
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This reached me as an e-mail yesterday evening :

In Antwort auf:

To all my friends who are not married yet... You will agree with this.

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are not normal.
4. The handsome nice and normal men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men who are not so nice and somewhat normal, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are normal, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are normal, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO REALLY UNDERSTANDS MEN?

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!






When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it.
--Dilbert cartoon

"Interplay�.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: AlrikFassbauer] #67342
17/05/07 12:39 AM
17/05/07 12:39 AM
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malaysia
janggut Offline
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good one, Al!



......a gift from LaFille......
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: Jurak] #67343
18/05/07 12:24 AM
18/05/07 12:24 AM
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Melbourne, Australia
HandEFood Offline
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Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the [nocando] out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.


Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: HandEFood] #67344
18/05/07 06:38 PM
18/05/07 06:38 PM
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Vale of Lost Voices
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HeF, it appears that married life is beginning to suit you


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: MeaCulpa] #67345
20/05/07 02:33 AM
20/05/07 02:33 AM
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janggut Offline
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very funny, HEF.



......a gift from LaFille......
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: janggut] #67346
21/05/07 04:36 PM
21/05/07 04:36 PM
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Vale of Lost Voices
MeaCulpa Offline
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Hmm depends which way you look at it




Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: MeaCulpa] #67347
24/05/07 03:55 AM
24/05/07 03:55 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 659
St Louis, Missouri
LadySarah Offline
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67348
01/06/07 02:36 AM
01/06/07 02:36 AM
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In honor of Drag's new job...

How to Screw up an Interview

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."


Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: LadySarah] #67349
01/06/07 01:26 PM
01/06/07 01:26 PM
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Posts: 1,057
Belgium-Vlaams Brabant
Merendrious Offline
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aah, those job interview stories remind me of some Worse Than Failure stories.
and btw, I would so hire nr 6

Re: did we do jokes already? [Re: Merendrious] #67350
04/07/07 07:42 PM
04/07/07 07:42 PM
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Vale of Lost Voices
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Check you're on the right plane!

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California’s wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When he arrived on the scene, he realised that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his mobile phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engined plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m a photographer for CNN,” he responded, ‘And I need to get some close-up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, until finally he stammered,





“So, what you’re telling me, is … you’re NOT my flying instructor?”


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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