Needs for Men and Women:
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of
men and women differ so much. And I never have figured
out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their
head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have
figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I
do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?" So she says the words
that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She
explains that I must not be in tune with her
emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally
realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so
I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed
department store. I walked around while she tried on
three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
which one to take, so I told her to take all three of
them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
$200 each to which I say "OK".
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a
set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so
excited. She must have thought that I was one wave
short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis
bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I
think I threw her for a loop when I told her that
it was "OK."
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and
you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm
ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No,
honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ...it
went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And
just when she had this look like she was going to
kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime
during Spring 2018
maybe jokes isn't a good idea, this is long! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
it was good <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
but indeed long <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
here's another long one, but funny stuff!
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants aren’t
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.
Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.
Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.
What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.
How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.
What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.
Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks
How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.
How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.
How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?
What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.
I found these very funny, the guys who have girlfriends will probably laugh too!
20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker instead of the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which
I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up
and carry
on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that
love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to
start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade
teacher.
10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing,
stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on
their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically
sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming,"DON'T take this the WRONG
WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from mydrink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight..
You probably laughed at the ones that apply to you
nice ones carrie! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
what do you call a boomerang that doesnt work......a stick
what do you call a smart blonde.....a golden retriever... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor(who treated mules) and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix that problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I justrealized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
very funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ahh; humor on the forum <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
these are old!
Have you read the book:
"the Cat's Revenge" by Claud Bawls or
"Run for the Outhouse" by Willie Maykit, edited by Betty Wont
"Under the Grandstand" by Seymor Butt.
"Rust in the Bedsprings" by I.P. Nightly"
unquestionably some good reading there!................ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Ok this is bad so at least you are forewarned.
A lonely widow decides to advertise in the personal section of her local newspaper. The add reads "Lonely older woman seeking caring man. Must never walk out on me, must never beat me, must be able to satisfy me in bed". She gets many responses but none of them are what she is looking for. Finally one day there is a ring on the doorbell and she opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. "Im here about your ad" he says. Dubious she asks "What makes you think you are the right man for me?". He replies "Well I have no legs so I can never walk out on you and I have no arms so I can never beat you". "How do I know you are you are good in bed?" Says the old widow "I rang the doorbell didnt I?" Says the man!
just stumbled on this joke, so i had to revive the thread. i thought it was funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What is the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me **Capitalism**. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we will call her the **Government**. We take care of your needs, so we will call you **The People**. We'll call the maid **The Working Class**, and your baby brother we can call him **The Future**. Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally inheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father, "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
Father: "Good Son! can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound sleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of [nocando] in his diaper."
Aye.... and a fine laff it was! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
it indeed was funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> these should be in the "sick jokes" thread. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
yes. I said that these are funny (lol) (lol) but they should be in the sick joke thread, becuase thats what they are. like last time Lynn closed the sick jokes thread (uggh) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
I think the reward for the best joke untill now should go to faile with the elephant joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ...
why, thank you, soulflyer! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yep <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> i agree either that or the "politics joke"
It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
He asked her what it was she told him that she had visited the tatoo parlor that day and on the inside of one leg she had "Merry Christmas" tatooed, and on the inside of the other one she had "Happy New Year."
Her husband asked her what all that meant and her reply was, Well, now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. When I was a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Use A Candle
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife
throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great
news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a
baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find
out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their
last bill: "Are you Mrs.Smith? You're a month overdue,
you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and
he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company office
the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife
is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut
yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Two guys are playing golf.
One of them wants to smoke a sigar but realizes he's forgotten his lighter. No problem, the other guy has a Bic with him. The guy with the sigar looks surprised at the Bic, which measures about 12 inches.
"Where did you get a Bic of that size?"
"Well," the other guy says, "I have a genie in a bottle," and he shows him an old bottle.
"Hey that's cool, can I make a wish too?" The first guy asks.
"Yeah sure, here you go", the other guy says and lets him rub the bottle. The genie appears and the guy may do his wish.
"I'd like a 100 million bucks!" the guy says enthousiastically. The genie mumbles some magic words and disappears again into the bottle.
Nothing happens. The guy reaches in his pockets but there's nothing there...
Then suddenly the sky turns dark. Thousands and thousands of ducks appear from the horizon!
"What the f-" the first guy says.
"Oh right", the other guy says, "I forgot to mention this: the genie's a bit deaf. Did you
really think I had wished for a
12 inch Bic?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A man is driving home to New York with his wife when he is suddenly overtaken by an cop in a white-and-blue car. The cop motions him to pull over and steps out of his car with a haughty stride.
"Good evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
The guy replies: "No idea my good friend!"
The cop asks: "Do you know how fast you were going sir?", and the guy answers: "Oh, I'm sure it was no more than seventy miles an hour!"
At this moment his wife chimes in: "No it wasn't, Tom! You were going at least a hundred!" The guy regards his wife with an icy stare.
"I see," the cop says smugly, noting in his notebook. "And I've noticed you have no taillights, sir?"
"Ahhh," Tom stammers, "It's broken - but it just broke today, I was going to have it fixed tomorrow!"
"Tom," his wife scolds, "That taillight's been broken for three weeks now, and you always said that those cops are too stupid to notice anyway." Tom looks at his wife angrily and growls: "Shut up, damnit!"
"Aha!" the cop smirks. "Three weeks sir? My my." He makes another note. "Oh, and those boards sticking out of your trunk. Did you realize they were sticking out too far? You do know you need to mark those things with a flag, do you sir?"
"Oh, eh, I... really?" Tom stutters, "No, I didn't know about that sir, really it, eh, it was simple forgetfulness!"
"Now, now, Tom!" his wife frowns. "That's not true! You said that you didn't give a rat's [nocando] about flags, and that the cops could stick their flags up their old tan tracks!" Jurgen grits his teeth and clenches the steering wheel. "Shut up, will you, you stupid old bat, or you'll have a black eye tomorrow!"
"Riiight," the cop grins, making another note. "Say," he asks Tom's wife, "is your husband always so mean to you?"
"Oh no, officer! Only when he's drunk!"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery,knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him,feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key,and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
[/code]
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
[/code]
Things To Do When I'm The Vampire
I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?
If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
[/code]
FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
[/code]
Women's English:
> Yes = No
> No = Yes
> Maybe = No
> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
> We need = I want
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
> We need to talk = I need to complain
> Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
> You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
> I'll be ready in a minute =Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
> Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
Men's English:
> I'm hungry = I'm hungry
> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
> I'm tired = I'm tired
> Do you want to go to a movie? =I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Can I take you out to dinner? =I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
> You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
> What's wrong?=What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
> What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
> I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
> I love you = Let's have sex now!
> I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
> Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
> Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others
> I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay
[/code]
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one.
[/code]
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A$$ ON THAT BITCH!"
[/code]
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned and was told by the monarch who captured him that he'd be put to death. But the monarch was impressed with Arthur's youthful happiness and offered Arthur a way to regain his freedom. He'd have a year to have a question answered, and if he didn't find an answer, he'd be put to death. The question was: "What do women want?"
Such a question would challenge even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible task. But, he asked everyone. The princesses. The prostitutes. The priests. Wise men. Even the court jester. None could give him a satisfactory answer.
The year came to an end. Arthur had but one day, and he'd been holding off asking one person, the Old Witch, because he knew her price would be high. But, tomorrow would be the day he would be put to death, so he had no choice.
She agreed to answer the question, but only if Arthur agreed to her price first. She wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.
The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous. She had one tooth and smelled like sewage water. She made horrible and obscene noises -- he'd never come across a more repugnant creature. He just couldn't ask his friend to bear such a burden as marrying the Old Witch.
But Gawain, upon learning that Arthur would be put to death, spoke with Arthur and told him no price was to high to spare Arthur from death. So, Arthur told the Old Witch that Gawain would marry her. She, in turn, gave him the answer. "What women really want is to be able to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that was indeed the correct answer, and the monarch did indeed spare Arthur's life. But Arthur was now torn between relief and anguish as he prepared for the wedding of his best friend to the Old Witch.
On their wedding day the Old Witch put on her worst manners. She ate with her hands, belched, farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
That night, Gawain steeled himself for the worst having to make love to such a creature. As he opened the bedroom door . . .
. . . there was the most beautiful woman in the world! Gawain was astounded and asked what happened. The beauty replied that since he'd been so kind to her (when she was a witch) half of the time she'd be her horrible self and half of the time she'd be the beautiful sexy woman she was then. It was up to him to choose if she was to be beautiful during the day or during the night.
What a dilemma. Would he rather show off a beautiful woman during the day and be repulsed at night or be in the company of a hideous creature in public but be in the company of an angel for the intimate hours. What to do.
What would *you* do?
Well, Gawain replied that she should choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all of the time, because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her own life.
The moral of the story?
It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Smart or dumb. Underneath it all . . . .
She's still a witch.
[/code]
IN THE BEGINNING . . .
. . . God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?
What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth".
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society.
Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before the granting . . .
At this point God created Hell.
[/code]
As I awoke this morning, A new day had just been dawned.
A robin perched upon my sill, To signal the coming dawn.
His songs were gay and cheerful, And he broke the morning's lull.
Then I slammed the window shut, And smashed his little skull.
By ..Waddie Mitchell, ELKO, Nev.
[/code]
SUCCESS (in a nutshell)
At age 4, success is: not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is: having friends.
At age 20, success is: having sex.
At age 35, success is: making money.
At age 60, success is: having sex.
At age 70, success is: having friends.
At age 80, success is: not peeing your pants
[/code]
The phrase "unsolicited commercial email"
produces the anagrams...
Calculation: I'm mediocre slime.
I'm malicious electrical demon.
Economic delirium? Stale claim!
[/code]
A very happy couple on the eve of their wedding day are killed by two stray bullets in a gone-bad(sic) robbery. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, "Please Sir, we were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?"
"Well, St. Pete replies, "It's never been done but I'll check into it."
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, "Okay, you can get married now."
A couple of months pass and the happy couple aren't so happy anymore.
"Please St. Peter," the man complains, "my wife is driving me insane. If we weren't dead already I'd have to kill her."
"Okay, okay," St. Peter replies, " I'll see what I can do."
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks done the bitterly fueding couple again to share the good news.
"That's great sir," the man exclaims, " but why did it take so long to get married and even longer to divorce?"
"Well," St. Peter replies, "it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die. How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?"
[/code]
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.
The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you Pinocchio?"
[/code]
Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman
When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "No," then get pissed off when you are believed.
Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement. If he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in your life (Also see No. 7).
Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
[/code]
The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs
O Little Town of Birmingham
I Don't Fear What You Fear
Oh, Krispy Kreme
Angels I Have Heard While High
Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear
Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!
Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.
Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle
We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas
Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!
Whose Kid is This?
O Stoli Night
Amway -- I'm a Manager
and the Number 1 Atheist Holiday Song...
Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?
[/code]
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response -- all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days.
Turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
[/code]
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals with their eyes opened.
Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night.
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
This poem has caused an illegal operation and will now shut down.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime
these are kinds stupid..but here it goes...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />One day Silly Sally was walking through the forest when all of a sudden a man jumped out infront of her. "Take off all your clothes," he said. Silly Sally laughed and laughed..she knew her clothes would not fit him.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />Silly Sally was taking her nightly bath when suddenly a naked man jumped in the tub with her. Silly Sally laughed and laughed...she knew there was only one bar of soap.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />"But Mommy, I hate Tommy's guts"
"Shut up and keep eating."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />"Mommy, I hate walking around in circles"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
[color:"orange"] Bit of "mature" content this one... Ironically <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> -- Not really a "joke", but I didn't wanna open a new thread just for this <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />[/color]
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your [nocando]. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a ***** anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
---------------
Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKateK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k
------------------
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. *****.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
-------
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't **** with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
----------------
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They ******* charge your ***.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ***.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: **** am I hard now.
-------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the ****, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA:
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you **** up.
eminemBNJA: OheminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
------------
sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your [nocando].
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your [nocando].
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly [nocando]
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your [nocando].
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
__________
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my [nocando] back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:
is that from albino blacksheep kej? i love that site! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I have no idea... I do know you can find this on a lot of forums, so I figured let's go with the flow <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
The following excerpts are actual answers given on
history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children
between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by
two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced
modifiers, and of course, spelling!
> >> > >Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and
> >> > >mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the
> >> > >Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
> >> > >all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
> >> > >
> >> > >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they
> >> > >made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
> >> > >Moses went up on Mount Syanide to get the ten commandos. He died
> >>before
> >> > >he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
> >> > >porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well
> >> > >as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of
> >> > >busy too.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
> >> > >without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also
> >> > >had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went
> >> > >around giving people advice. They killed him. He later
> >> > >died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After
> >> > >his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
> >> > >hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
> >> > >messier then than they show on tv now.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
> >> > >of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
> >> > >thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped
> >> > >out: "Same to you, Brutus."
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
> >> > >Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
> >> > >The English and French still have problems today.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
> >> > >was a success. When she exposed herself before her
> >> > >troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end
> >> > >of the fighting for a long while.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
> >> > >Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
> >> > >Another important invention was the circulation of
> >> > >blood.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
> >> > >invented cigarettes and started smoking.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
> >> > >foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
> >> > >born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
> >> > >money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
> >> > >comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
> >> > >pentameter.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
> >> > >They lived in Italy.
> >> > >Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her
> >> > >father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know
> >> > >how Italian fathers are.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
> >> > >Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
> >> > >was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since
> >> > >then no one ever found it.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
> >> > >Contented Congress. ThomasJefferson, a Virgin, and
> >> > >Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
> >> > >of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
> >> > >rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse
> >> > >divided against itself cannot stand." He was a
> >> > >naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is
> >> > >still
> >> > >dead.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
> >> > >Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a
> >> > >log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham
> >> > >Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
> >> > >theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors
> >> > >in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator
> >> > >was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
> >> > >This ruined Booth's career.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
> >> > >and has a large number of children. In between he
> >> > >practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
> >> > >attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
> >> > >the most
> >> > >famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel
> >> > >was half German, half Italian, and half English. He
> >> > >was very large.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
> >> > >so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father
> >> > >of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest
> >> > >even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
> >> > >expired in
> >> > >1827 and later died for this.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
> >> > >thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
> >> > >hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention
> >> > >of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
> >> > >up.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which
> >> > >did the work of a hundred men.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I
> >> > >don't know why.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of
> >> > >the Species. It was very long people got upset about
> >> > >it and had trials to see if it was really true. He
> >> > >sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but
> >> > >without
> >> > >watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman
> >> > >to do what she did. Other women have become scientists
> >> > >since her but they didn't get to find radios because
> >> > >they were already taken.
> >> > >
> >> > >--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other
> >> > >three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and
> >> > >started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have
> >> > >a job, I guess.
WoW! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> that was a lot of those ">" thingy's
why does e-mail always send that [nocando]?? I'll never know <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
but here's a stupid joke, i just got in my e-mail....
i took all those annoying ">>" things out cuz that's how much i hate them! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
and no offence to my U.S. Pals... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
truth is..
actually i read this joke and thought of our forum member mickey ...right away! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> knowing he/she enjoy's a good bit of humor! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
CaNaDa
Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet,"
replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's
going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still
confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in
the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice
hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait
until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."
PAST THIS ON IF YOU ARE CANADIAN!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />
WE'RE NOT LOUD-MOUTHED BASTARDS! Okay, maybe on occasion. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
oh great one, jurak! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> i love it! finally a joke on americans & not of them on others!
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
He only made it to the middle of the road.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
And the bug-eyed altar boy replied, "No, I think it's just the reflection!!"
funny! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> good one!
Didn't saw any1 post this one. a bit old i think but oh well:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was chicken's day off
Work
There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK". If you receive WORK
from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else--do
not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two
friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are
already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole
life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at
least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.......so I'm
headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.
why did the blonde cross the road?
who knows what that idiot was doing!!!
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
why did the monkey cross the road?
it was stapled to the chicken
Why did the armadillo cross the road?
He didn't make it across.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt and then cross the road again?
He was a dirty double crosser.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
If was in the second's pouch.
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a trend.
Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the sixth koala fall out of the tree?
It was suicidally lonely.
Why did the tourist die?
Six koalas fell on him.
asian joke:
Haircut
There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...
Good one Kabuti <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Now I am sure some ppl have heard of "Tarzan Lord of the Jungle" now good ol' Tarzan decided that he needed to start using camouflage when ever he wanted to do alittle peeping into Jane's hut, unfortunately the only thing that he could use for camouflage was the cherrie tree outside Jane's hut, so he decided to paint his err .. family jewels red, so they looked like cherries.
Poor Tarzan got discovered when Jane decided to go Cherrie picking ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
another asian joke:
Spielberg and a Pinoy
A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"
Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"Tang Na! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!" exclaimed the Pinoy.
The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ....Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you are all the same."
Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.
"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.
"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back.
"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the director.
"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same."
And one in Dutch:
Iedereen die een hond heeft noemt hem "Rakker" of "Pluto". Die van mij noem ik "Seks". Nu bracht Seks mij nogal vrij regelmatig in verlegenheid. Toen ik naar het gemeentehuis ging om een vergunning op te halen voor mijn hond, zei ik tegen de bediende: "Ik wil graag een vergunning voor Seks.
Hij zei: "Ik zou er ook wel een willen hebben." Toen zei ik: "Maar het is een hond!" Hij zei dat het niet uitmaakte hoe ze er uitzag. Toen zei ik: "Maar je begrijpt het niet. Ik heb Seks sinds mijn negende jaar." Hij zei dat ik toen toch al wel een vrij grote jongen moest zijn geweest. Toen ik trouwde en op huwelijksreis ging, nam ik mijn hond met me mee. Ik vertelde de klerk dat ik een kamer wilde voor mijn vrouw en een aparte kamer voor Seks.
Hij zei dat elke kamer in het hotel voor seks was. Ik zei: "U begrijpt het niet. Seks houdt me 's nachts wakker!" De klerk zei: "Mij ook!" Op een dag nam ik Seks mee naar een wedstr ijd, maar voordat de wedstrijd begon liep de hond weg. Een andere deelnemer vroeg waarom ik liep te zoeken. Ik vertelde hem dat ik Seks wilde laten meedoen aan de wedstrijd.
Hij vertelde me dat ik mijn kansen verspeeld had. "Maar je begrijpt het niet", zei ik, "ik hoopte Seks op TV te krijgen." Hij noemde me een opschepper. Toen mijn vrouw en ik gingen scheiden, gingen we naar de rechtbank om de verzorging voor de hond uit te vechten.
Ik zei: "Uwe edelachtbare, ik had Seks voordat ik getrouwd was." De rechter zei: "Ik ook." Toen vertelde ik hem, dat nadat ik getrouwd was Seks me verlaten had. Hij zei: "Mij ook."
Een paar weken geleden liep Seks weer weg, ik heb uren in de stad naar hem lopen zoeken en bedacht me opeens dat hij dol op kinderen was. Ik ging dus naar het schoolplein hier achter waar het net pauze was en vroeg of de kinderen mee wilden helpen met zoeken, omdat ze hem wel kenden. Een politie-agent kwam naar me toe en vroeg: "Wat doet u op dit
schoolplein?" Ik zei: "Ik zoek Seks met deze kinderen."
Mijn zaak komt vrijdag voor........
A Canadian, a Mexican and a New Yorker go to an expensive French restaurant. The waiter says to them, "Excuse me, gentlemen. We have a shortage of Truffles. No dishes made with truffles are available."
The Canadian asks, "What is a shortage?"
The Mexican asks, "What are truffles?"
The New Yorker asks, "What is-- excuse me, gentlemen?"
Joke of the Day
How to be an Asian gangster
TEENAGE ASIAN GANGSTERS
Your car probably looks like this by now.
Wears a Buddha bracelet on wrist.
Start smoking cigarettes by the age of 13.
Wear some really baggy pants with a white logo T-shirt.
Have either the typical Asian haircut with long dyed bangs or some slicked back hair.
Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe.
Kiss up to older gang members to increase rank.
OLDER ASIAN GANGSTERS
Sport a lot of gold jewelry to show off.
Wear nice tight pants, with HK-Style See-Through Shirts.
Been Smoking for at least 10 years.
Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe.
Tell stories about glorious past to younger gangsters.
Treat the teenagers good so they can introduce you to young virgin girls.
Living at home with parents, still!
Slick back hair, or just regular Asian haircut.
Show off with guns and drugs which actually belong to someone else.
Hang out in gambling dens and massage parlors, but never do anything but watch the other people.
LEADERS OF ASIAN GANGS
Sport A LOT of Jewelry! Expensive shades, expensive EVERYTHING!
Wear nice pants like construction workers, or wear some Italian suits like REAL businessmen.
Probably quit smoking cause you think you got lung cancer.
Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe.
Never really appear in public so your followers think you are always doing something secretive.
Spiky hair, or real old style '70s '80s cut.
When asked for "stuff" or money, always reply "Later, it's not the right time." In fact, you just don't have any.
Own the gambling dens and massage parlors, but the only customers are own gang members/followers.
Outstanding Mea! I'm off to purge my system of 'work' as I speak.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I remember 0 jokes, I'll try to find some to post though.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
oit! funny asian jokes. considering that i'm asian. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> as well as quite a few others in the forum.
now any jokes on americans? are americans by majority irish by descendance? no, this is no joke. just curious.
What is Irish and stays out all night?
Patio furniture (Paddy O'Furniture)
hee hee!
i'm mostly irish but i know no irish-american jokes. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him/her a bottle of shampoo that says--Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
A policeman says to some guy, "Your eyes are red. Have you been drinking?"
He replies to the policeman, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
Why does management make more than engineers or doctors?
Knowledge=Power
Time=Money
The definition of Power is:
Power =work/time
Substituting for Power and Time we get:
Knowledge=Work/Money
Solving for Money we get:
Money=work/Knowledge
So it doesn't matter how much work you do. The less you know, the more money you will make.
I'm asian myself <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> a friend of mine used to send me the jokes he found funny
Hmm how about Belgian Jokes, I mean we are at risk ofcourse, but there are so many <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Like "Why do all Belgian women have square n*pples?
so the babies get used to eating Pomme Frites !!
(french fries to everyone else, Barta excepted of course)
<See mea running for the door in fear of a Larian Lightning bolt>
Belgium jokes....There's lot's of em..
Alle melkpakken moeten in de België uit de schappen. De tekst
'hier openen' moet vervangen worden door 'thuis openen'.
Twee Belgen aan de wandel zien in de verte een bananenschil
liggen.
"Oei",zegt de ene,"dat gaat weer pijn doen."
> > >> << 26 Things That A Perfect Guy Would Do
> >>
> >> 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
> >> 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
> >> 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
> >> 4. Give you the remote control during the game.
> >> 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
> >> 6. Play with your hair.
> >> 7. His hands always find yours.
> >> 8. Be cute when he really wants something.
> >> 9. Offer you plenty of massages.
> >> 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
> >> 11. Never run out of love.
> >> 12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
> >> 13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
> >> 14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
> >> 15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
> >> 16. Smile a lot.
> >> 17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like
> >> to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.
> >> 18. Appreciate you.
> >> 19. Help others out.
> >> 20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
> >> 21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others
> >> company, even when his friends are watching.
> >> 22. Sing, even if he can't.
> >> 23. Have a creative sense of humor.
> >> 24. Stare at you.
> >> 25. Call for no reason.
> >> 26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just because he loves u
> >> that much to quit it.
Why can you fit more Germans into a room?
They all have square heads.
Why don't Puerto Ricans in New York commit suicide?
You can't jump out of a basement window.
What is 3 miles long and goes 5 miles per hour?
A Mexican-American funeral procession with only one set of jumper cables.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who went around handing out money?
Neither did I.
Why should you take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing?
That way neither one will drink any of your beer.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Several. One to hold the bulb while the others drink until the room spins.
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
No don't change the bulb. I'll just sit here in the dark and suffer.
My apologies if I left any nationalities or religious groups out. Also this is meant in fun. I retract everything if I have offended anyone, and yes I have included my own ethnic background in at least one of the above jokes.
> > >> << 26 Things That A Perfect Guy Would Do
> >>
> >> 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
> >> 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
> >> 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
> >> 4. Give you the remote control during the game.
> >> 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
> >> 6. Play with your hair.
> >> 7. His hands always find yours.
> >> 8. Be cute when he really wants something.
> >> 9. Offer you plenty of massages.
> >> 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
> >> 11. Never run out of love.
> >> 12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
> >> 13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
> >> 14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
> >> 15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
> >> 16. Smile a lot.
> >> 17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like
> >> to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.
> >> 18. Appreciate you.
> >> 19. Help others out.
> >> 20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
> >> 21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others
> >> company, even when his friends are watching.
> >> 22. Sing, even if he can't.
> >> 23. Have a creative sense of humor.
> >> 24. Stare at you.
> >> 25. Call for no reason.
> >> 26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just because he loves u
> >> that much to quit it.
Still doesn't mean she'll stay. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" /> (Sorry. A tad jaded lately.)
Please don't anyone be offended by these.......little poems!? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
are they funny....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> ..........or not! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
I AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)
Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
I AM ITALIAN
Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.
I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM PAKISTANI
Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.
I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!
Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!
I AM CHINESE!
Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's [nocando] anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and finally........
I AM AMERICAN
Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.
I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
A bit long, kinda funny.....
![[Linked Image]](http://mysmilies.rgforums.com/s/contrib/blackeye/evil_laughterpurple.gif)
my ex-coworker, sends me this [nocando] all the time..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Now remember...... it's just a joke...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
THANK YOU!!!!
@ clegaw- you had me laughing out loud! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
THANK YOU!!!!
@ clegaw- you had me laughing out loud! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
You think that funny hey faille, I work in a restaurant and I get that and the Bruschetta thing all the time, including thins like can I have a glass of kardonnay (Chardonnay) and can I have an espresso and my wife will have a short black.
Honest to god I get these things, thinking about that, the best one I heard was, "Err waiter, I would like a nice bottle of white wine, you know a Cabernet Sauvignon maybe?"
Or
" How would you like your staek cooked? .... err .... Grilled please!"
I aint kiddin' folks, this is gospel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Something every Restaurant worker needs:
EXRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-hiney opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home.
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
25. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
The following joke doesn't make fun of anyone. It contains no sex. It is not a sick joke. It is thoroughly appropriate for kids, and they will find it funny. So will adults. It probably works better when told out loud rather than being read. Anyway here we go.
A chicken walked into a library, went up to the librarian and said, "Buck. Buck."
The librarian ignored the chicken, but the chicken was persistent and kept saying, "Buck. Buck."
Finally the librarian figured it out and said to the chicken, "You want 2 books, don't you? Book. Book."
The chicken nodded it's head vigorously and again repeated, "Book. Book."
The librarian gave the chicken 2 books. The chicken left with the books and then returned them 25 minutes later, and this time said to the librarian, "Book. Book. Book."
"You want 3 books now don't you?" She gave the chicken 3 books. Again the chicken left and then returned later with the books. This went on for hours with the chicken asking for and taking 2 to 4 books at a time and then returning them a little later. Naturally the librarian's curiosity was aroused.
The next time the chicken came in and asked for 2 books--saying, "Book. Book." The librarian gave the chicken the 2 books and then followed the chicken to see where it went and what it did with the books. The chicken went down the road a little ways and then turned off into the woods. Finally the chicken arrived at a pond where a frog was sitting. The chicken put the 2 books down in front of the frog who looked at the books and said, "Read it. Read it."
um...MeaCulpa...
I think that somehow faile knows about those.
Or at least some.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Something every Restaurant worker needs:
EXRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
I love it! I might have to keep that one handy at work.
something i remembered from a while a go:
me no money, me no care
me will marry millionaire
when he die, me no cry
me will marry other guy..
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
hee, so true. loved those, meaculpa.
something i remembered from a while a go:
me no money, me no care
me will marry millionaire
when he die, me no cry
me will marry other guy..
The ballad of Anna Nichole Smith.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
something i remembered from a while a go:
me no money, me no care
me will marry millionaire
when he die, me no cry
me will marry other guy..
The ballad of Anna Nichole Smith.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Five points, Womble! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Arf!x2 <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There just aren't many knock knock jokes which are actually funny. Here is the best one I know.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
OJ
OJ who?
You should have been on the jury.
Who haven't heard of "The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord" list?
Q: What's three two letter words meaning very small? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
A: is it in ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
ROFLMFAO! LOL! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
More ethnic jokes targeting nationalities not previously targeted.
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm a lot shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What is the first thing an Eskimo child learns?
Don't eat yellow snow.
Why do Texans bend up the sides of their cowboy hats?
So three of them can fit inside the cab of a pickup truck.
How can you tell if a house is owned by folks from Alabama?
If the porch collapses it kills more than three dogs.
What was unusual about The Holy Roman Empire?
It was neither holy, Roman, nor an empire.
I like those Cleglaw! Non-offensive racial jokes! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Here's one i just made up........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> cuz i am! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road?
A:He didn't. he only went half-way...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
English" Signs Found In Asia
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own [nocando]?
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive sideways
In a Beijing department store: Mickey Mouse High Fashion Apparel
Name of small guest house in mountains of northern Pakistan: 'Sea View Hotel'
On a menu in a Hong Kong restaurant: Spanish omelet (tomatoes, mushrooms, onion) Omelets surprise (two parsons)
On CD cover of local artists singing various western songs, name of well-known Roberta Flack song: 'Tonight I calibrate my love for you'
I saw those a while ago, were'd you see em?
at asianjoke.com
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "[nocando] Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of [nocando].
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it ... like humour ... but different.
A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The blonde and the female boss
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was
elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly
and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
To leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
A blond police officer pulled over a blond motorist for a traffis violation.
"Let me see your identification."
"What is that?" replied the motorist.
Since she herself was blond and knew what she was dealing with, the police officer replied, "It is in your purse and has your picture on it."
The blond motorist spent several minutes looking through her purse and finally came up with a makeup compact. She opened it up and when she saw her face in the small mirror she said, "Oh I found it. Here it is." She then gave it to the policewoman.
When the police officer looked into the mirror she said, "Oh I'm sorry. If I had known you were a police officer I never would have pulled you over."
2 funnies in a row! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
After a ferocious hail storm, the blonde drove her very dented BMW to the garage to get fixed, the mechanic told her he was to busy today with all the repairs, due to the hailstorm, and if she could come back next week,
The blonde answered, Oh no that is way to long, can't you do something quick?
The Mechanic eyeing the blonde smiled and said, I tell you what, here a secret, if you drive your car home, and tomorrow morning early you get up, go to the back of your car blow into the tail pipe, and all the dents will pop out, okay?
The next morning the blonde hunkers down and is blowing with all her might in to the tail pipe, nothing happens ... but a blonde friend of hers walked past, looked at her red face and asks what your doing?
The first blonde explains, the second blonde starts laughing, and says geez your stupid, that will never work!
You have to roll up the windows first !!
why woman love cats
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde-
pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're
home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat
why woman love cats
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde-
pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're
home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat
I like it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
So what does that say about me... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
A frustrated Japanese father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up.
The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)
Japanese Error Haikus
By: HumorPage
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Don't Shoot The Translator!
By: asianjoke.com !
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.' HOWEVER, THE COMPANY MISTAKENLY THOUGHT THE SPANISH WORD 'EMBARAZAR' MEANT TO MAKE PREGNANT.' So instead, the ads said that 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own [nocando]?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooler and Heater: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
English well speaking
Here speeching American.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los
Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four
legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no
avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Erap was just elected president & one of the news reporters goes up to talk to him.
The reporter ask, "Oh congratulations on your victory as a president, now that your president do you plan to dye you hair?
Erap replied, "No my hair is always alive" hahahahah!!!
It is said that there is a magic mirror in Malacañang that slaps anybody who tells a lie.
Sen. Juan Flavier passed by the mirror and said "I think I'm tall," and the mirror slapped him.
Then came Vice President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. "I think I'm the prettiest woman in the Cabinet," and the mirror slapped her.
Then passed President Erap and said "I think . . .," and the mirror slapped him
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
One wish to each
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
3 guys were stuck on a cliff. while they were looking for a way down, one of them found a magic lamp and a genie appeared. he said, "i will help you get down. just jump off the cliff, and shout out what you want to be and i will turn you into whatever you say." so the first guy jumps and says "eagle!" so he turns into an eagle and flies safely away. the second guy jumps and says "falcon!" he becomes a falcon and flies away. the third guy runs for the edge but trips on a rock and falls over the edge. unfortunetly, as he fell, he cried "sh*t!"
Hehe <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
there's a pino joke about the same as that one....
Three Ugly Filipinos
By: Anonymous
There were these 3 Filipino girls, and they were the ugliest Filipino girls ever! They finally got so tired of being ugly that they decide to go to the doctor's for help. The doctor looks at them and says, "Well, this is a tough one, but this is what you have to do; jump into a river and say the name of someone you think is beautiful and you will look exactly like that person."
So the first one goes and says "Britney Spears" and when she gets out of the water she looked just like Britney Spears.
Then the second one went and she said "Alyssa Milano" and became Alyssa Milano.
Then came the third one... When she jumped into the river (being so terrified of swimming) said "AY TA-E!" (means [nocando]
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
oh dear..that's just wrong.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Some Irish jokes, should've posted these yesterday.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
-------------------------------------
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
-----------------------------------------
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
----------------------------------------
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
----------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash. Immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
---------------------------------------------
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
--------------------------------------------------
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
My favourite joke
two parrots were sitting on a perch. one said to the other can you smell fish.
a joke for those like me who hate art.
how many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?
orange
Another light bulb joke
how many dirty stinking apes does it take to change a light bulb?
50. 1 to change the light bulb the other 49 to throw sh*t at each other.
shortens
a man walks into a bar. ouch.
two men walk into a building. you would have thought one of them had seen it.
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> ROFLMAO! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
LOL!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None ..... Californians don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in Jacuzzi's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A redhead goes to the doctor and says "i Dunno what it is, but I hurt every where, look ..." and she proceeds to prod herself in various places each time exclaiming "ouch that hurts" The doctor watches this with fascination for a while and eventually says "you are not a real redhead are you?" "no I am not says the red head" the Doctor says "I know, you are a blonde and you have broken you finger!!"
LOL! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
two parrots were sitting on a perch. one said to the other can you smell fish.
i don't get it... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
A perch is a type of fish beany. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
aargggh. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
ok i thought it was a kind of balcony (sp)
thats what i thought to <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
It's both. Same spelling. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
yep <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> it got me too for a sec there! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
then i laughed out loud right in the store
and everyone stared at me like i'm crazy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
science realted jokes
a neutron walks into a bar and asks for a pint. he then says to the bar tender how much do i owe you? the bar tender replies for you no charge.
a proton and an electron are talking over a cup of tea. the elctron says "i hate my life i might as well just pack it in and leave home." the proton replies "oh why do you have to always be so negative."
Asian Farts Don't Stink
By: Jensa
A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."
The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Asian Lady
By: Anonymous
The story goes that there was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady
got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...
(please scroll page down)
What were you thinking?
HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.
The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"
But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".
But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".
History Of The World
By: asianjoke.com
A brief History of Time Part I (the B.C. years)
3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
00 A.D. Computer Programmers wiped out of existence for over 900 years due to year Zero K problem.
Part II ( Early A.D.)
79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!
1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with a torpedo.
1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Well...except for the 40 million who don't stop.
1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble. 1
928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.
1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.
1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some Collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?" you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
did!!!
@ Mea: That was funny, LOL. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> But then again, I am slightly inebriated. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
What did Mick Jagger say when he was asked why he carried around an old stale dinner roll given to him by the King of Morocco?
I know it's an old Moroccan roll but I like it!
Here's a smile for you:
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening,
the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse
the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys
inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little
too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from
the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store, there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing its head off.
Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make
change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still
ringing - when I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor
and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got
back to answer it." The pharmacist continues,
"It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer!!"
"Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!"
knock knock
who's there?
little boy blue
little boy blew who?
micheal jackson.
I like it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
err ...
what exactly do you mean by that
HandEFood <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
err ...
what exactly do you mean by that
HandEFood <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Just the joke. Nothing more... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LOL! nice one handefood because you dont sound weird now. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
LOL! nice one handefood because you dont sound weird now. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I don't? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> I'm a failure in life... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
neener, you poof. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replied" Can't talk right now I 'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised, she shouts "Ed what are you doing!? "
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago".
a funny pic is also a joke eh.
http://www.asianjoke.com/pix/giant_cat.htm Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Your kid has been kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Cam, a Newfoundlander was having a few beers in his favorite watering hole,
when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucked up the courage
to say something to the big Newfoundlander. Leaning over towards Cam,
he whispered: "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the massive Newfoundlander
leapt up with fire in his eyes and smacked the gay man in the face, knocking
him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar
before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot.
Cam returned to his seat and ordered another beer. Amazed, the bartender
quickly brought over another beer to the big Newfoundlander.
"Lord tunderin' Jesus, I've never seed you react like dat before," said the
bartender.
"Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't exactly know for sure," the big Newfoundlander replied,
"Something about a job."
is this actually offensive to newfie's? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Good ones, kabuti! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse.
Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> lol!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Good ones, kabuti! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
the pic was funny, but let do nasty things when looked at site. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/down.gif" alt="" />
what kind of nasty things??? i didn't notice anything...or you mean the pop ups with ads not ment for minors <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> srry about that..it ain't my site so i can't do anything about it..next pic will go through my photubucket though
yes those. and some of the pictures and, ew.
THE TOP FIVE SMART-A$$ ANSWERS OF THE YEAR
Smart-A$$ Answer #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Smart-A$$ Answer #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
Smart-A$$ Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart-A$$ Answer #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart-A$$ Answer #1
The SMART-A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER "
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-[nocando] guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of the sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on the bridge?
Credit Card Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This would be funny if it was a joke, but it probably is true.
CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE DYING
Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.........
This is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer
service being what it is....
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division,
or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank: "excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part
about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!"
bureaucrats! Ugh! Sorry, Mea, to learn of your experience; it is like a real life bugged quest.
A very, sad chat that is STILL going on right now with me and some sad soul.
Ok, it finished, and here it the final thing!
sprtygirl246: hey
GUARDSGUARDS: Hallo.
sprtygirl246: i thought u were idle?
GUARDSGUARDS: I was Idle.
sprtygirl246: o ok
Auto response from GUARDSGUARDS: Thats the problem with people like you, you never have a plan. Guards! Guards!
Bet you didn't expect that, did you?
GUARDSGUARDS: Well, did you expect it or not?
sprtygirl246: nope
sprtygirl246: i woodve never known
GUARDSGUARDS: Bih.
sprtygirl246: lol
sprtygirl246: wut's up?
GUARDSGUARDS: No.
GUARDSGUARDS: Sorry, but 'wut's' is not "up"
GUARDSGUARDS: :'( I know, its sad.
sprtygirl246: huh?
sprtygirl246: ok
sprtygirl246: o i get it
sprtygirl246: yer funny
GUARDSGUARDS: Clever of you to pick that one up.
GUARDSGUARDS: Most people never understand.
sprtygirl246: lol
sprtygirl246: no i am a blond
sprtygirl246: wut do u look like?
GUARDSGUARDS: Ahh, that explains ALOT.
sprtygirl246: shut is up
sprtygirl246: lol
GUARDSGUARDS: Ahh, don't get upset now.
GUARDSGUARDS: Me?
sprtygirl246: i get it alot
sprtygirl246: yah u
GUARDSGUARDS: Hmm, thats a difficult question.
sprtygirl246: u don't know wut u look like?
GUARDSGUARDS:
http://it.stlawu.edu/~tatkin59/images/brad%20pitt.jpgGUARDSGUARDS: That is me.
GUARDSGUARDS: Wait, no, thats Brad Pitt.
GUARDSGUARDS: I get ourselves confused sometimes.
GUARDSGUARDS: But I look alot like him!
sprtygirl246: u look like brad pitt
sprtygirl246: AWESOME
GUARDSGUARDS:
www.guards.com/images/me [color:"blue"] That was a picture of Ian Mckellen [/color]
GUARDSGUARDS: That is my Father.
GUARDSGUARDS: Wait! No, hold the presses.
GUARDSGUARDS: Thats Ian Mckellen.
GUARDSGUARDS: I am so bad at this whole thingy.
GUARDSGUARDS: Hmm?
sprtygirl246: ok
GUARDSGUARDS: Splendid.
sprtygirl246: u look like bradd pitt
sprtygirl246: u must b hott then
GUARDSGUARDS: Thank you, thats a compliment.
GUARDSGUARDS: Yes, I am.
sprtygirl246: ok
GUARDSGUARDS: Are you?
sprtygirl246: i dunno
sprtygirl246: hav david bring a pic of u
sprtygirl246: wen he cums
GUARDSGUARDS: No, I'd prefer him not to be giving anything when anybody cums.
sprtygirl246: huh?
GUARDSGUARDS: Nevermind, and don't search it on google. It was some sort of thing somebody in my class was talking about.
GUARDSGUARDS: A sick pervert.
GUARDSGUARDS: So How Are You?
GUARDSGUARDS: FINE?
sprtygirl246: good
sprtygirl246: u?
GUARDSGUARDS: DRIED FROG PILLS!
GUARDSGUARDS: I am great!
sprtygirl246: lol
GUARDSGUARDS: Um, I'm okay.
GUARDSGUARDS: Sorry, don't know what happened.
sprtygirl246: ok
sprtygirl246: r u a nerd?
GUARDSGUARDS: Me? Of course Not!
sprtygirl246: u r smart
GUARDSGUARDS: NERD is a stupid band.
GUARDSGUARDS: Of course, I am smart.
GUARDSGUARDS: It, is, how do you say it, the trait of an Anthropomorphic Personification to be above average intelligence.
sprtygirl246: omigosh
sprtygirl246: u must b a scientist
GUARDSGUARDS: Me? A scientist?!?! No, well, wait, yes, no, maybe.
GUARDSGUARDS: So.
sprtygirl246: ahhhhhh
GUARDSGUARDS: Why would I be a Scientist?
sprtygirl246: u r confusing me
GUARDSGUARDS: They deal, with, ug, Science!
GUARDSGUARDS: Of course I am confusing you! Thats the whole point isn't it?
sprtygirl246: who is this 2 b exact?
GUARDSGUARDS: This?
GUARDSGUARDS: Well, this
GUARDSGUARDS: DRIED FROG PILLS!~
GUARDSGUARDS: Is the Bursar.
GUARDSGUARDS: Plesent little chap, but I'm afraid he is a bit crazy.
GUARDSGUARDS: And Mr. Anthropomorphic Personification over there is DEATH.
GUARDSGUARDS: He's nice, when you get to meet hi (trust me, everbody does).
sprtygirl246: huh/
GUARDSGUARDS: And this is Lews
GUARDSGUARDS: Therin
GUARDSGUARDS: Kinslayer
sprtygirl246: huh?
GUARDSGUARDS: 13.
sprtygirl246: r u a actor?
GUARDSGUARDS: Nice meeting you!
GUARDSGUARDS: I will see you, yet, ahh, another day!
GUARDSGUARDS: I will not say Good-Bye, but more, Good-Day!
sprtygirl246 signed off at 7:33:47 PM.
sprtygirl246 signed on at 7:38:22 PM.
sprtygirl246: wut wuz that all about?
GUARDSGUARDS: What was what all about?
sprtygirl246: u left
GUARDSGUARDS: I did?
GUARDSGUARDS: Oh yes, bussiness called.
sprtygirl246: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
GUARDSGUARDS: Had to go pick up more DRIED FROG PILLS actually.
sprtygirl246: wut r those?
GUARDSGUARDS: DRIED FROG PILLS?!?!?
GUARDSGUARDS: They are pills, made out of Dried Frods.
sprtygirl246: o
sprtygirl246: interesting:-\
GUARDSGUARDS: Yes, aren't they.
sprtygirl246: yes
sprtygirl246: very
sprtygirl246: do u disect them or sumthing
GUARDSGUARDS: No, no, no! You put them in a- hmm, well, an easier way to explain is that the Archchancellor gives them to me.
GUARDSGUARDS: Ridicully is always giving me some you know.
sprtygirl246: ok wutever
sprtygirl246: b on 2morrow i guess
sprtygirl246: i g2g bye
GUARDSGUARDS: Bad buy.
sprtygirl246: lol
GUARDSGUARDS: Should have gone to Best Buy.
sprtygirl246: lol
sprtygirl246: ok
sprtygirl246: bye
GUARDSGUARDS: GOOD BYE!
sprtygirl246 signed off at 7:42:15 PM.
GUARDSGUARDS: And GOOD Ridence!
[color:"blue"] It was long, but well worth it! [/color]
dude! the girl has not much inkling of your subtle hints & such. much is lost. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sad.gif" alt="" />
anyway, u've shown yourself as an ok person. try NOT to be so obscure in description. heh, i used to do a lot of such things back in my teenage years & people were giving me strange looks for sounding english without speaking any word of it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
i guess that's the bane of conversations with strangers.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> It was fun <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa.' Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!' He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer!?' Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Subject: Request for a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5. You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
Management <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
But the bags are empty when I leave, honest! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday morning.
A woman comes in and is shopping around. She sees a pink dildo on a shelf and ask the price.
"£12.95," he said.
She bought it and left the store.
Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty blue one on the back wall.
"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.
He said, "£25.00."
"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.
"Well, it has a vibrator in it."
She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She paid for it and left the store, too.
He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when another woman walked in the door.
She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."
He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"
She said, "Why not I will give you £150.00 for it."
He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the shop and went home.
His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"
He said, "I sold my thermos for £150.00!"
Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the tree. A lot of men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked! And remember - Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to good women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Hmm Jurak I think you are getting too much in touch with your feminine side <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
no......it's my feminine friends sending me e-mails.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
Oldie but a goodie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
2 Guys are standing at the bar having a pint (cider to you Spick) discussing women, one guy says "hey do you like women with Varicose veins?"
the other guy "nah cant standthat at all"
the first guy says "do you like women with droopy boobs?"
the second guy answers" Ooh yuck NO!"
the first guy asks "So what the hell are you going to bed with my wife for?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
A 90-year-old couple went to see a divorce lawyer. The lawyer asked them," why do you want a divorce? You have been married for 70 years."
The husband replied, "we have always hated each other. We just wanted to wait until the children died."
This is a little known tale of how GOD came to give us the Ten Commandments.
GOD first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied GOD.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then GOD went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said GOD, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally GOD went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
GOD said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
Spick: <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@Womble, thought i might get threatened with Cicumcision for doing that one...Too late..Done already. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Reminds me of an old joke:
What do you call a circumcised German?
Helmut Hertz
Soooo bad..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Oh Gawd....now you've been and done it...don't upset the Krouts. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Shhhhh... Don't mention the war. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
ha -ha -ha-hah-ha! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Faile might like this one, tis about Tattoos.
.
.
Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated it reads "Wy".
When she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
Jack pops the question to her, she accepts and off they go to Jamaica on their honeymoon! There, they try out all the local culture, including a
nude beach. They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing, and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and embarrass himself! He orders a drink from the guy at the bar who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his penis!
Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence, your girlfriend is named "Wendy" and you have her name tattooed on your private too!"
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing!
Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day"
The doctor says to his patient, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we amputated both legs. The good news is the guy down the hall wants to buy your boots."
The doctor says to his patient, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that the one which was giving you trouble is all right now and won't need to be amputated after all."
The doctor says to his patient, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours left to live. The bad news is that I forgot to tell you yesterday."
the captain says to the crew,
((who BTW have been at sea for weeks and weeks))....
"Listen up mateys"...."i've some good news and some bad news"....
"first the good news"....
the crew listens intently.....
"every man aboard this ship gets a change of underwear".... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
the crew goes wild with cheers and applause...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/party.gif" alt="" />
"now the bad news"
as he starts pointing his finger at the various crewmembers....
...."you change with him", "and you change with him",
"you change with him".... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
On the same theme then......
.
.
A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat.
As the man got out of the boat, the first guy said "Oh my God, buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU!"
To which the new guy responded "Well, alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."
The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
Fire Truck
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her
dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices
the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Jurak, must u kill me like this? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Even as a cat lover I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A man was captured by cannibals. Daily they inserted a thorn into his veins, removed and drank a portion of his blood. After 1 year he said to them, "Kill me and eat me if you like, but I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Ha!
A cop pulled over a guy and said, "Your eyes are red. You been drinking?"
He replied to the cop, "Your eyes are glazed. You been eating donuts?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
It didn't scare me because
A) old trick.
and
B) I looked at the picture for 10 secounds, tried to think waht the subtitle ment. then went back to another site. Then came the sound from my headphones of hissing and I went back to see what it was.
can som one post a giant list of funny oneliners
example:
Do ents get moring wood. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
tnx in advance
I had a whole website full that I compiled, but it's long gone. I'll see if I have it saved at home.
"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had
no way of crossing the river.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the
strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim
across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this
river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row
across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two,
so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the
strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." And
poof! God turned him into a woman and he walked across the
bridge.
Male or Female?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender, but in fact they do.
For example...
1) Ziploc Bags --
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers --
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tires --
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon --
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. And of course there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges --
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page --
Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway --
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass --
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer --
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control --
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, let's him feel like he's in control, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps on trying.
"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
thats the sweet stuff <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
@ mea & wintersolstive -> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
wintersolstive, welcome back! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Why thank you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the
paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not m iniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.
Question:
why a rabbit?
Answer:
because behind a tree
____________________
Question:
what's the difference between a dead bird?
Answer:
the one on the left has a broken leg.
____________________
Question:
how does a cow catch a rabbit?
Answer:
it stands behind a tree and acts like a carrot.
____________________
Question:
how do you get 15 chickens in a match box?
Answer:
you don't.
____________________
Question:
why does a diver dive out of a boat backwards?
Answer:
cuz when he'd dive forward, he'd fall in the boat! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
With a large thorn a band of cannibals drained blood from a captive's vein every 2 days for years. They then drank the blood. Finally their prisoner said, "Kill me and eat me if you want, but I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
I love it, MeaCulpa! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Mind you, despite them being better than kids, they still come home with STDs and other blood-transmitals... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
Old one but a good one
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a
nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested
in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please
knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a
tin
cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets
$100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling
it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in
the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
HAHHA <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
old is gold, mea! great one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do
not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
![[Linked Image]](http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/welcomeback.gif)
Wynter!
Long Time, no see! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
@Mea: I´m shocked... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
And another religious one:
Father Martin is completely shocked. As he enters his church shortly after X-Mas the statue of the holy mary is missing. Next day also the statue of St. Joseph is stolen. He asks himself: "why should anyone steal the statues?, they are not worth it.."
So he hides himself in Church to investigate the situation. Shortly after he sees youg Ron running in Church, placing an envelope on the Altar and running away afterwards. As Father martin is too old to catch the young boy he opens the envelope and reads the letter inside.
"Dear Jesus! If you do not make sure that I´ll get better presents next X-Mas you´ll never see your parents again!"
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do
not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
The b*stards! Still the pictures are pretty good... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Pictures? Oh no!! *hides from embarrassment*
@Mea: I´m shocked... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
And another religious one:
Father Martin is completely shocked. As he enters his church shortly after X-Mas the statue of the holy mary is missing. Next day also the statue of St. Joseph is stolen. He asks himself: "why should anyone steal the statues?, they are not worth it.."
So he hides himself in Church to investigate the situation. Shortly after he sees youg Ron running in Church, placing an envelope on the Altar and running away afterwards. As Father martin is too old to catch the young boy he opens the envelope and reads the letter inside.
"Dear Jesus! If you do not make sure that I´ll get better presents next X-Mas you´ll never see your parents again!"
that's cute
This is sooo bad, it's good
A BEER DRINKIN' BEAR
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer
to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We
don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the
bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a
beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer
to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this.........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
Barbitchyouate.
This one is not that good...but I thought it was cute
The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-a-boo) Street is not
just
an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care
Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.
However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at
work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone
and
say: "Picabo..., ICU ".
Courtesy of my friend Stan
Humor is universal and the same joke appears in many cultures.
Sometimes only minor changes need be made as changing a church to a
synagogue in "Repaint and thin no more." Sometimes the stories vary
tremendously but the point is the same. Here then are the story of two
pious dogs.
The Jewish Version:
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.
He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor
finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about
how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master,
tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright
with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay,
Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously.
Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts
to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging
my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me
in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that
dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it ... it's too salty and it
gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you
try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you
push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's
disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a
nice long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he
says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.
Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He
thought I said, 'Kvetch'." (Kvetch = Constant complaining)
The Christian Version:
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in
the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist
through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop
to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then
nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your
description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said,
"Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the
dog, "Go get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran
back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its
books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the
pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.
The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the
Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that
normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never
tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel." (Heal)
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on
the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't
Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
@ cleglaw -> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> that is so hilarious!! fyi, i'm christian & i can take a joke. any day. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
hmm have a look
http://terrisfp.com/flash3/mole.swf turn on your sound though, oh it aint one of those screaming things so dont worry, is it actually quiet cute <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Woah! You stuffed that link up somehow! Try
this one.
EDIT: <groan>. Just <groan>. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
your to quick for me HEF I was fixing it while you where typing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Hehe... too quick! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
It's a really boring day at work today. Far too much time on my hands... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla.
She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?
If there were they'd be Targets.
What would you most want people to say about you at your funeral?
"Look! He's moving!"
A worthless friend of mine took up the practice of meditation. I guess it is better than sitting around doing nothing.
A friend of mine went out with twins.
"Did you like the twins?" I asked him.
He replied, "Yes and no."
A guy walked into an antique shop and said, "What's new?"
An Alaskan was on trial. The judge turned to him and said, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"
When the X-ray specialist married his patient, everybody wondered what he saw in her.
"I'm very upset. The doctor told me that I have to take medication for the rest of life."
"What's wrong with that?"
"He only gave me 4 pills."
Those are clever, particularly the Alaskan one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Sounds Steve Wright-ish <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
eg,
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
lol! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
78496836363% of those were- er, nvm.
Thanks, Mea. Those are great.
Wisdom of the Day <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Alcohol is not an answer, but at least you forget the question...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Wisdom of the Day <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Alcohol is not an answer, but at least you forget the question...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> That one's getting passed around. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
One blonde asks another: "Which is further, London or the Moon?".....................
The other replies: "Well HELLOOOOO....., can you see London?????!!!!!"
Some blonde enters a electronics store and when a salesman comes by she points and says: "I want that TV"
The salesman replies he won't sell anything to dumb blondes.
The next day the same woman goes back in the store with her hair died black, she points and says "I want that TV"
The salesman replies afain he won't sell anything to dumb blondes.
Confused the blonde leaves the store, "how could he know? my hair was perfectly black"
Yet the other day shes back again, now with hair shaven, even her eyelashes and eyebrows removed, she points and says " I want that TV"
The salesman replies he won't sell anything to dumb blondes yet again.
Even more puzzled the blonde decides to ask the salesman how he knew, so she goes back in the store and asks her question, on wich the salesman replies: "its very simple miss, these are microwaves the TV's are over there!"
I've found a whole page about Steven Wright Quotes, lots of... And I ran into this one, and keep on laughing :
"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said
"How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a dam cop writing out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-d*cked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse Manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't give a [nocando]. My car was parked around the
corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> It was a Lexus. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> @Mea
An unlucky woman that no luck whatsoever in men decided to start dating again. So she placed an ad in the paper stating:
wmn sk guy,
does nt drink, run or hit, is gd in bed.
several days go by and she's still waiting for a reply.
When she decides her ad was impossible and no such men exist the door bel rings
she asks truogh the "doorphone"
With whom do I speak?
- I've read your ad in the paper
Do you drink?
- No
Do you hit women?
- No
How can I be sure?
- I have no arms.
Do you intend to run away?
- No
Why should I believe you?
- I have no legs.
Then how good are you in bed?
- Lady, how do you think I reached the doorbell?
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought.
Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice.
The friend says, "It's no big problem.
When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up.
Just take the money and run!"
The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in QUARTERS!!!!"
Lol!
Some guy had a bet with his brother 20 or so years ago that he couldn't save up 10,000 in pennies. If he could he'd take him to paris for dinner.
The person did it, and the brother doesn't remember it, and no bank will take the money without charging him.
Say your prayers," Butch said, hand poised above the grip
of his chrome-plated forty-five.
"God is dead!" came a tiny voice from
his hand.
The other gunslinger was confused, but didn't have time to
think about it. He reached - and was gunned down before his hand
reached his own weapon.
A hanger-on from the crowd had the guts to ask,
"So what was with that `God is dead' stuff?"
"I," said Butch, "have a
Nietzsche trigger finger.
credit for this original joke goes to my friend, Jason.
Geez Cleglaw you must run around with a bunch of very educated ppl, I am nearing my 50th <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and I have no idea what was funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" />
I didn't get it either.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Friedrich Wilhelm ( living 1844-1900) was a German philosopher.
He's known for denouncing religion, for espousing doctrine of perfectibility of man, and for glorification of the superman, or Übermensche.
So its saying his finger was like Friedrich Wilhelm and denouced religion and liked supermen.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Well, it's probably just not my kind of humor. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
Here's another one:
__________
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question
"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's O.K.," says the husband, "we were banned from the supermarket, too."
WhatLews said. Also it is a pun on the term "itchy trigger finger."
One famous philosopher's dad had a lame horse so when they wen for a stroll they always put Decartes (the cart) before the horse.
On another occasion they asked Rene if it bothered him. He said, "I think not," and disappeared.
Another philosopher was asked if he liked a certain girl. He replied, "Heidigger." (I dig her.)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> I know Nietzsche, but this is what makes it funny. In German the name is pronounced a little differently, that's probably why I was puzzled.
Je suis parceque je pense?
Bl**dy Hell I think I go back to school <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Titanic or Clinton
PROBLEM: Two videos are for sale. Which to buy? The Titanic video or the Clinton video?
Titanic: $9.99 on Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on Internet
Titanic: Over 3 hours long
Clinton: Over 3 hours long
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a [nocando] artist
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack [nocando]
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary, basically the same thing
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either
oh my god <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A blonde walks into the doctors office, complaining that when ever she drinks tea her eye hurts.
The Doctor "perplexed" asks here to have a cup of tea to analyse the cause.
After finishing the cup of tea the Doctor says: Well lets start by removing the spoon from your cup
before you start drinking <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Not real jokes but IRC quotes that amused me a lot.
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?
<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao
<frank> can you help me install GTA3?
<knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
<knightmare> ...
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<
<NES> lol
<NES> I download something from Napster
<NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
<NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
<NES> "getting my song back fucker"
I find the dialogue about the Jews and the clown and Hitler to be offensive. I don't know about the rest of your quotes, because I stopped reading after that one.
I myself have posted ethnic jokes, but I try to keep them good natured.
OK. Back to jokes.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.
hehe funny @Dragh! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Ok 2 stupid jokes,
The first one CAN be funny in CERTAIN situations (with lots of booze)
- Two penguins are sitting on a fridge.
Says the first penguin: "hey! I have a fantastic idea. Can I push you off the fridge?
Says the other one: "No!"
-An young Dutch man an his father are looking from the seashore in to the open sea.
The little boy points to a directing and says: “look father what’s that?”
That, my son, is a boat.
Minutes go bye.
Suddenly the boy points to a direction and says: “look father what’s that?”
That my son, Is a boat.
Minutes go bye.
Suddenly the boy points to a direction and says: “look father what’s that?”
That my son, Is a HOOVERCRAFT
Huh? And how do you spell that, father,
H-O-O-V…..H-O-E-V…H-O-A-V
Oh no my mistake, it’s also a boat!
I find the dialogue about the Jews and the clown and Hitler to be offensive. I don't know about the rest of your quotes, because I stopped reading after that one.
I myself have posted ethnic jokes, but I try to keep them good natured.
OK. Back to jokes.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.
Are blonde-jokes unethical? its a joke not an insult. Humor is a way to make soften often tragic subjects, there have been a dumpload of 9/11 jokes, still most of them don't mean any disrespect or discrimination.
bleh jokes:
why did napoleon wear a green belt on weekdays and a red belt on weekends?
- otherwise his pants would fall off.
Two blondes are walking over the street, says one to the other, now its my turn to walk in the middle.
[color:"red"] warning, sleezy.
warning, sleezy.
warning, sleezy. [/color]
3 guys in heaven where given a second chance;
A) can live unless he's violent again
B) can live unless he sexually abuses someone again
C) can live unless he does his exhibitionist tricks again
so they all 3 go to a bar and start drinking a couple beers, A asks for another beer but the barman refuses because he's closing, he takes a dime and trows it towards the barman. POOF! and A has dissapeared. The dime bounces near C's feet, C bends to pick up the dime and POOF both B and C dissapear.
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Don't know if this was posted already or not....so here it is.....again....or not! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
or for the 5th time! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> But its a great joke all the same. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell my big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.
Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.
This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the
Johnson's did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. All youse gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss.
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.
Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
2 arf's in a row.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
tis a funny one HEF, you too Spick! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!
Subject: Request for a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5. You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
I don't think i posted this yet! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Sorry for the double Header.....thought i'd break it up a bit! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Seen this one?
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
>During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
>I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
>The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
>54 times the sheets were clean
>17 times it was too late
>49 times you were too tired
>20 times it was too hot
>15 times you pretended to be sleep
>22 times you had a headache
>17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
>16 times you said you were too sore
>12 times it was the wrong time of the month
>19 times you had to get up early
>9 times you said weren't in the mood
>7 times you were sunburned
>6 times you were watching the late show
>5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
>3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
>9 times you said your mother would hear us
>Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
>6 times you just laid there
>8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
>4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
>7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
>1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
>KEEP READING.......
>==========================================================
>TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
>I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
>get more than you did:
>5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
>36 times you did not come home at all
>21 times you didn't cum
>33 times you came too soon
>19 times you went soft before you got in
>38 times you worked too late
>10 times you got cramps in your toes
>29 times you had to get up early to play golf
>2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
>4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
>3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
>2 times you had a splinter in your finger
>20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
>6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
>98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
>Of the times we did get together:
>The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
>
>I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you
>prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
>The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe
![[Linked Image]](http://www.anglik.net/JOKENotNowKid.jpg)
..............................."Not now Kid".............................
Subject: [color:"#33cc33"]Best Dear John Letter Ever [/color]
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear
John"letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
...
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The
distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have
cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
================================================================
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he
had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fu** you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.
Take Care, Ricky <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
got this in my e-mail...... no offence to all you beautiful women out there.....
love this. I know it was written by a woman and NOT a man.
WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY!
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the *****
(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed
10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their teen years. Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
One blonde to another
"Which is farther away, the moon or London?"
"Duh! You can see the moon."
How do you circumsize a whale?
With four skindivers.
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip.
She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bull [nocando] might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of [nocando] is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep [nocando], it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two minute management course.
One question IQ test
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?
Think about it first before highlighting the answer...
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
If you got this wrong please - do not pass this, just go dig a hole,
lie in it and pull the dirt back over yourself.
</span>
*janggut promptly buries himself*
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out.
Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex.
But there had to be a way.
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head.
"I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around.
No sign of his Director.
He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up.
"Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor.
He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director.
"Get out of here - that's an order –
and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days!
You understand me?"
"Yes sir' the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The blonde was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
Little Johnny is at it again
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Just heard this one, please remember it is a JOKE.
.
What have Adolf Hitler and Paula Radcliff got in common??
.
They both failed to finish off a race!!
OK this is not a joke and so is a bit off topic, but Spick's joke reminded me of this bit of trivia.
What do Josef Stalin, Art Garfunkel, Jerry Mathers (played Beaver on the 50's TV show "Leave It To Beaver"), and special prosecutor Kenneth Starr (The guy who brought up the impeachment charges against President Clinton) all have in common?
They all have or had psoriasis.
next Quis question :
"what's psoriasis?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
read it phonetically bean <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
as in
"Sore A$$es" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad,
what is the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me
what you learn from that. "
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you
sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars? "The
mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really
use that money to fix up the house and send you kids
to a great college! "
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? " The girl
replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep
with him for nothing, are you nuts?
"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars? "Of
course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million could buy? "
The boy pondered that for a few days then went back to
his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the
difference between potentially and realistically?
"The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're
sitting on three million dollars, but realistically,
we're living with two sluts and a queer."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Another old one..
Pensioners Bert and Ethel decide to marry and spend their remaining twilight years together. As they snuggled up on their wedding night, Ethel began to worry that her heart condition may be a problem if the action gets too vigorous…
"Darling" she whispered in his ear "There’s something I need to tell you – I’ve got acute angina"
"Just as well…" he whispered back "…’cos you’ve got lousy tits"….
2 old ladies are gossiping on the cnr of the local street
Marg;
did you hear that Elsie and John still have it on every week? and they are both in there 80's now
Ethel;
really how do they keep up?
Marg;
well you know when the bell tower rings at midnight, John uses that as a rhytm to his err actions. you know Ding ..... ding .... ding .... ding ..... ding .... ding .... ding .... ding .... ding .... ding .... ding .... ding ....
Two weeks later same cnr same old Ladies
Marg;
did you hear that Old John died of a heart attack?
Ethel;
Goodnes no, how did it happen?
Marg;
well you know how I told you about the Bell Tower and midnight? well apparently just before midnight last week a fire broke out nearby and the fire engine came past Elsies and Johns house, dingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY. Check it out these actual cases:
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife was nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to
right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into
the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his
business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned
for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped. They dropped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
____________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you! 're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
___________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
According to this site.the story is not true. It is, of course, funny.
Ha! Ha! but not true.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Points finger going 'Ha ha!' Simpsons-style. Oh the irony.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Pat and Shamus were standing outside the pub and desperate for a pint or two but they didn't have a lot of money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Pat said 'Hang on, I have an idea.
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy?
Now we don't have any money left at all'.
Pat replied 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guiness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've done it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in we haven't got any money!!'
Pat replied, with a smile 'Don't worry, I have a plan -cheers!'
They downed their drinks.
Pat said 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
They went through with the plan, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out of the pub.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Pat - I don't think I can do any more 'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!'
Pat said 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> good one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
mea, u're one sick ....... keep it coming! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Newfie Fingers
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's. The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers and I will see what I can do." Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers. "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? It's 2004...we got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring da fingers?" Johnny says,
................... Are you ready for this???????????? . Are you sure???????????????
.................. Remember this is a Newfie..... . ok....ok....ok.... . Here it is.....
"HOW DA FOCK WAS I SUPPOSE TO PICK DEM UP!!!!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Seen on Sigs <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Christmas is coming, the frogs are getting flat! Please put an otter in the old man's hat. If you haven't got an otter then a marmoset will do; if you haven't got a marmoset, then God bless you!
"Are you the police?" "No Ma'am, we're musicians." -The Blues Brothers
"Bother," said Pooh, as the police found Piglet's body in his back garden.
Jesus saves sinners ... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!
The opinions expressed herein are those of absolutely everyone at National Instruments: the management, staff, stockholders, their spouses, children, dogs, and cats. In fact, everyone in Austin also agrees. No, make that Texas. -Taken from .sig
"We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
"I'm paranoid... I tried to join Paranoids Anonymous. They wouldn't let me know where the meetings were."
"Bother," said Pooh, as Moonbase Alpha depressurised.
"He's dead, Jim. You grab his Tricorder, I'll get his wallet."
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable rate from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [ny] y
"The Force. It surrounds us; It enfolds us; It gets us dates on Saturday nights." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.
The opinions expressed herein are beamed to me periodically from Remulac, during the festival of the Moons of Meepzorp. (Toss me the senso-rings) -Also taken from a .sig
'The Lord cast Lucifer out of the Kingdom of Heaven, and into the fiery pit where he was to remain damned for all eternity. And for this Lucifer cursed The Lord and said, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"'
"Bother," said Pooh, as the small child choked on his eyes.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Haiku: The willow bends down / Touching the ground in new ways / Plastic Bear Vomit.
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? [Note- is Yoda a Skaven? His speech would seem to prove it.]
Watership Down: You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
When an eel bites your thigh, As you're just swimming by, that's a moray!
When an eel, with all its charm, takes a hunk out of your arm, that's a moray!
When you scream, and you beg, but it still bites off your leg, that's a moray!
(Thanks to
Afgncaap5@aol.com & co for the last two)
"Bother," said Pooh, as the "cop killers" pierced his kevlar jacket.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
"WHAT is your name?" "Captain Jean-Luc Picard."
"WHAT is your quest?" "I seek the Holy Grail!"
"WHAT is the maximum Warp speed of a Bird of Prey?" "Romulan or Klingon?"
"I.....I don't know AAAAAHHHHH!"
"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. If you resist, you will be punished. Have a nice day." - The Borg
"It was only after their population of fifty mysteriously shrank to eight, that the other seven dwarfs began to suspect Hungry."
Disclaimer: The above are the opinions of God as recited by my telepathic goldfish. Those who oppose them with be struck by lightning. Such an event will be reflected on their electrical bill.
Read in the "letters to the editor" column of "TIME" in response to an article on teen suicide: "People should be aware of the dangers of killing themselves"
"Today's CS lecture will be conducted entirely through the medium of interpretive dance." --something I've always wanted to hear but never will
"Bother", said Pooh, mistaking the LSD tablet for aspirin
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
People who think MSDOS & Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating "This mind intentionally left blank"
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
Just say NO to police searches and seizures. Make them use force. (not responsible for bodily harm resulting from following above advice)
"Bother," said Pooh as he fell into the nitric acid bath
Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the consequences of an accident with the new Iridium enriched fusion reactor. "If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will survive..." they said.
"I am Loquacious of Borg. Prepare to be bored."
"Once you have pulled the pin out of Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend."
Japanese say Americans are lazy. HA!! At least we cook our fish!
Sir! Romulan warbird decloaki$^#@*& NO CARRIER
To install WordBlurf 9.0 on a network, place the write-enabled installation diskette in drive A and type A:netinstall. WordBlurf 9.0 will install itself on every machine on your network and nothing will go wrong. Really. We swear. -A user about to discover the real nature of networking.
Took an hour to bury the cat - damn thing kept moving.
I t±ld yo±, "Never±touch ±he flop±y disk s±rface!"
GOD IS REAL ... Unless declared integer.
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye captain, 300 dpi?"
When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
A police state is great, so long as you're the police.
The best way to accelerate a Apple Mac? 9.8 m/s²
1 = 2, for large values of 1.
E=MC². Very good, Einstein, but next time show your working.
Pentium processing? It's as easy as 1-2-3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
Beware of quantum ducks. Quark, Quark.
No, you can't make a phone call... NO! NO! %&*/l1.@#~ NO CARRIER
If speed kills, then Mac users will live forever.
umop apisdn w,I aw dlaH
Hy! Whr did my "" ky go?
"[nocando] it," said Pooh, being more forthright than usual.
A warning to drivers on the A5 to Norwich. It doesn't go there.
"The Pentium Processor - Now you CAN divide by zero!" -Intel slogan, or not?
C:\DOS\SYSTEM\OS2\UTILITIES\DOCS\HELP\WHERE\THE\F$#%\AM\I???
"Press to test." [click] "Release to detonate."
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer
Borg DOS: Assimilate drive C:? (Y)es, (O)k or (F)ine
Ferengi DOS: Unprofitable command or file name.
Klingon DOS: That command or file name has no honour!
Math Problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)ý]-[sin(xy)/2.362x+5
File Not Found.....Loading something that looks similar
Of people born in 1839, 100% who ate carrots are dead.
Really Get Stoned -- Drink Wet Cement!
Support your local coroner -- die strangely.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue
Phasers on "Blow the crap out of 'em"... FIRE!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
CAUTION! Do Not Look Into Laser With Remaining Eye.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he pulled the alien face-hugger off.
Avoid mess: Cover cat before microwaving.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
All general statements are false.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I nearly bought an Archimedes, but I decided not to take the RISC!
Hold a hard drive to your ear. Listen to the C:
Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!
A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago
"640k oughta be enough for anyone" - Bill Gates, 1981.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
Smith and Wesson: The original point-and-click interface
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the friggin' thing
This product has been cruelly tested on cute furry animals.
"Look at that idiot with the bow and arrow", Harold c. 1066
Gosh it's cold today, turn another Pentium on will you ?
All in favor of telekinesis, raise my hands.
Do I BELIEVE in the Bible?! Hell, man I've SEEN one!!!
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "A 2x4, sir?"
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
If a boomerang always comes back, why bother throwing it?
Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion (for all you DOS 6 fans out there)
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
Shell to DOS...come in, DOS...do you read...over?
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more: What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
"A Warrior does NOT steal quotes." - Worf
**-SYSTEM ERROR-** Press F13 to continue.
Keyboard not found, press F1 to continue (that was a real one, BTW)
75%, no, 72% of all statistics are made up on the spot
A fool and his money are... Hey! Where's my wallet?!!
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
BREKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
"Computer, end program!" *&%$# NO CARRIER
Dances With Tribbles: Stomp SQUEAK Stomp SQUEAK
Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.
File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...
I'm Heavily Armed, Easily Bored and off my Medication!
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
Math and Alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink & derive.
My computer is so stupid it #'#û! &^#û¨##ûNO CARRIER
People who think they know it all really annoy us who do.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
NO! Not DEL, *DIR*!
What!!! I'm missing Star Tre*(%$#zNO CARRIER
Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
Taken from our school bulletin: Most pupils who have adopted a Tamagotchi appear to be responsibly extending appropriate care and attention to them.
As with any real baby or pet, arrangements must be made to look after them while parents are at work or school.
Assemblies, classes etc. cannot be interrupted by distressed pets or babies- real or otherwise. We have neither a creche nor a pet-minding facility.
These toys must therefore be tended before or after school, or at lunchtime.
Should they be taken into supervision by a teacher, the consequences may be fatal. The only facilities we have to support Tamagotchis is a mortuary where at least they would meet an appropriate end to their lives.
J.G. Low, Rector.
"Look at the si-diddly-ize of that darn diddly ding dang thing..." "Shut your trap, Red Two." -Star Wars (thanks to Kevin Reilly)
"Go ahead and take the moral high ground. All that heavenly back lighting just makes you a better target." (Thanks to David Gerrold)
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*"
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."
I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
"I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Alzheimer's advantage #25: New friends every day!
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Don't steal - the government hates competition.
Everyone has a photographic memory, but most don't have film.
Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.
Life: a terminal, sexually transmitted disease.
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
LSD: Virtual reality without all the expensive hardware.
To reformat a CD-ROM, use steel wool & heavy pressure
Tonight's forecast: Dark, followed by light.
I was an atheist, until I realised I was God.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
"Pop goes the hamster - and other great microwave games!" - Nick Abbot
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
MOST IMPORTANT PROFESSION
Someone told me recently about an architect, a surgeon, and economist. The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' Th e architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> That list is great, Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
An oldie but a goodie
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
![[Linked Image]](http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif)
Sweet!
Übereil (maybe I should pull of one of my father's spesials?)
Trick or Treat
A little boy and girl go trick or treating.
They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well, now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.
Chocolate M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts.
*shivers* Nasty...
Übereil
PS I got one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:
There are three Turkish emigrants (pretty old story) sitting by the Swedish immigration Board, seeking Swedish membership. They're supposed to be called into a little room and answer some questions, and they'll know if they were granted Swedish membership.
Anyway, the first guy were called in. And the guy who asked alöl the questons asked him:
"How long have you lived in Sweden" and the Turkish emmigrant answered:
"One year". Then the guy said:
"I'm sorry, I can't grant you Swedish membership". And the Turkish emmigrant leaved...
Outside, the other two asked him:
"How did it go? How did it go?" And the second guy looked sad and said:
"Decline" and the other two said:
"Ah, that's too bad, better luck next time" and stuff like that.
The second guy were called in. And the guy who asked all the questons (the same guy, since it was the same room)asked him:
"How long have you lived in Sweden" and the Turkish emmigrant answered:
"Two years". Then the guy said:
"I'm sorry, I can't grant you Swedish membership". And the Turkish emmigrant leaved...
Outside, the other two asked him:
"How did it go? How did it go?" And the first guy looked sad and said:
"Decline" and the other two said:
"Ah, that's too bad, better luck next time" and stuff like that. (Ctrl C, Ctrl V...)
The it was the third guy who were called in. And the guy who asked all the questons (still, same guy, same room) asked him:
"How long have you lived in Sweden" and the Turkish emmigrant answered:
"Three years". Then the guy said, looking glad:
"Congratulations, you are now a Swedish sitizent". And the ex-Turk emigrant leaved, and looked happy.
Outside, the other two asked him:
"How did it go? How did it go?" And the third guy looked mean and said:
"I don't speak to you, bloody Turks".
DS
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"Arrrrr, you see a seagull shat in me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to seagull droppings!!!?" the sailor exclaimed.
"Well..." said the pirate, "you see I only had the hook a week."
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> That HURTS!
Übereil
Or how about this one:
There was a young fellow named Cager
Who, as a result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F major.
So the fiddlers started to play
With Cager a-farting away
When to his despair
He ran out of air
At the upbeat to four after "A"
To Cager this was quite a bummer.
His bung was really a hummer.
Imagine his glee
When he found out that he
Had been farting the wrong Koechel number.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> (I love limericks)
ok this joke is hard to translate on text..
(but noraly you have to shout very hard in the end)
(and i can't change the size of my text also)
So basicly this joke is already ruined before i begon!)
What does a 400 pound parrot say when it's hungry?
[color:"orange"]CRACKER! [/color]
A friend of mine emailed this to me yesterday. She said that it reminded her of somebody from one of our local shops.
-----------------------
BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The arsehole is usually in charge.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There once was a young man named Aaron,
At whom the ladies were starin'.
He was tall, dark and tan,
Quite the ladies man,
But then, to his dismay, he woke up.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Sorry guys, I couldn't help myself. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I loved it, and I want more <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I loved it, and I want more <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Okay MeaCulpa just for you, but this one is a little naughty.
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Again, I'm sorry guys, but I couldn't help myself. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Get some self-controll <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" /> My warped sense of humor came from managing a Truckers Truck Stop, here in America while in my 20’s, and being around a bunch of guys all of the time. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
My warped sense of humor came from managing a Truckers Truck Stop, here in America while in my 20’s, and being around a bunch of guys all of the time. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
My sence of humor came from my father. I'm beginning to realize that he's not too funny...
Übereil
My warped sense of humor came from managing a Truckers Truck Stop, here in America while in my 20’s, and being around a bunch of guys all of the time. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
My sence of humor came from my father. I'm beginning to realize that he's not too funny...
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" /> Or maybe Übereil
Your Father is an Honorable man with good intensions. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Take Care
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Your Father is an Honorable man with good intensions.
He is. But that doesn't make him funny though... (Unless funny doesn't mean that he's got a good sense of humor, but something else... Don't remember how it is in English.)
Übereil
Here's one more before I have to leave for the day. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
There was a young man of Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon.
When you least would expect them,
They'd rush from his rectum,
With a roar like a double bassoon.
Take Care
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Something similar:
There was a constipated musician named Klutz
Whose sh#t was all stuck in his guts
He farted a blast
Left listners aghast
However nothing emerged but some nuts
Shall we continue <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
When The Race For The Moon Runs Its Course,
And Women Are Sent There By Force,
Will The Men They Embrace,
In The World's Outer Space,
Start To Call Making Love, 'Outercourse'?
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."
"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do things my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickle or dime you'll get!"
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
He should have treated poppy better.
k Here is a silly one
What is black and yellow and does zzub zzub?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> A bee flying backwards </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />
Yay! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
What's big, grey and sits in the middle of a field? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>A filing cabinet!</span>
What's big, green, has six legs and hurts if it falls on you? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>A pool table!</span>
I'll stop now... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />
Ahat is black and white an lethal? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> an nun with a sub-machinegun! </span>
Why do Norwegians crawl when they go shoping? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> they're looking for the lowest prices </span> (in case a Norwegian sees this, don't deny it, try to get your revenge instead, by trying to hit mem whith the same thing (ie a joke). It would me much funnier <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.).
Übereil
So what goes black white red, black white red, black white red?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> The nun with the sub machine gun rolling down a hill after you shot her... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> </span>
Bombissimo....
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four.
You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come.
He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Bombissimo....
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four.
You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come.
He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
In Sweden we tell this joke, only that i'ts the Norwegian border! Jokes are international! Here's a story for you!
The scene is a church in Germany. It's a sunday in the thirties. As you hopefully know this was when the Nazis rueld Germany, and hopefully you allso know that they hated Jews. And since it's sunday, there is a divine service (got it from a diktionary, it's what's normally goes on in a church on sundays).
Anyway, the priest is preaching his brains out about Jesus sacrifise or what ever you like (that is Bibelrelated, so he's not preaching about how gordeous his wife is) when he notes that one of the guis in the front road is carrying a jews star on his chest. In case you didn't know, in germany in the thirties they forced jews to carry jewstars on their chest so pepole could harass them (not very funny maybe, but that's the way it was, no matter if you like it or not, at least it helps the story out so it wasn't completely wasted (just as close as it can get)). That means, the guy in the fronty road was a jew. And, since they didn't like jews in a church they had to froce him to leave. The priest amd at a discrete sollution. That means he interrupted his preachery by saying:
"All jews have to leave the church." No less, no more. Pepole noticed a change in tone of the priest and woke up, wondering what was going on. The jew didn't move though. So the priest repeted:
"All jews have to leave the church." Pepole looked aroud, wondering hwo he referred to. The jew didn't move. The priest had to repeat himself once more:
"All jews have to leave the church." Pepole had now noticed who he referred to and was actively asking him to leave (ok, asking was the wrong word, since this was germany in the thirties).
And so, Jesus walked down from his cross, took Maria in his hand, walked forward tyo the jew and said:
"Let's go, they obviously don't whant us here anymore."
And that was the end (and point) of this story.
Übereil
You killed that with the amount of commentry tou laced into it, but I like it a lot! I'm going to remember that one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
You killed that with the amount of commentry tou laced into it, but I like it a lot! I'm going to remember that one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
It was TOO funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />???
Übereil
Tennessee Mountian Woman
A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home
and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse's helper.
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies.
"I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle.
I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose
A guy walks into his doctors office and says doc I have a serious problem, but I’m super worried you’ll laugh at my condition.
The Dr. reassures the guy he’s a trained professional and he doesn’t laugh at his patients.
The guy replies, hey, I even showed my problem to my wife. My Wife I tell you and even she laughed at me!!!
The Dr. again reassures the guy that all is okay and he will not laugh at him and even promises not to laugh.
The guy goes, okay you promised.
So the guy drops his pants and shorts, lifts up his manhood and there under his penis are his two balls the size of bee-bee’s!!!!
The doctor can’t help himself and starts roaring in uncontrollable laughter!!!
The guy retorts!!! Hey, you promised not to laugh!!!
My nuts have been SWOLLEN like this for days and they are killing me!!!!!
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A guy walks into his doctors office and says doc I have a serious problem, but I’m super worried you’ll laugh at my condition.
The Dr. reassures the guy he’s a trained professional and he doesn’t laugh at his patients.
The guy replies, hey, I even showed my problem to my wife. My Wife I tell you and even she laughed at me!!!
The Dr. again reassures the guy that all is okay and he will not laugh at him and even promises not to laugh.
The guy goes, okay you promised.
So the guy drops his pants and shorts, lifts up his manhood and there under his penis are his two balls the size of bee-bee’s!!!!
The doctor can’t help himself and starts roaring in uncontrollable laughter!!!
The guy retorts!!! Hey, you promised not to laugh!!!
My nuts have been SWOLLEN like this for days and they are killing me!!!!!
So what's the clue of this joke? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
So what's the clue of this joke? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
It probably doesn't translate well to non Americans. In other words you need to know what "bee-bees" are. I guess they're something small. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> (I have a vague idea that BBs might be small gun pellets in the US, but I'm not sure.)
Anyway, the joke is presumably that he has really tiny balls, but actually thinks they've swollen rather than shrunk...
-----------------------
Here's another:
Two girls were lying on a nudist beach one day watching a rather hunky guy walking out of the water. To their amazement the water got to half way down his thighs and they still couldn't see the end of his 'manhood'.
Fascinated, they kept watching as he waded towards the beach. The water was now down to his knees, and still no sign of the end.... On it went, half way down his calves, and still no sign of it ending. Soon the water was lapping around his ankles and they still couldn't see the tip.
Finally, he stepped out of the sea, and the end of his 'manhood' was dragging a little on the sand....
"What you starin' at girls?" he said "Of course it shrinks when it's cold...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(This is a similar joke, but in reverse - if I understood the one above).
So what's the clue of this joke? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
It probably doesn't translate well to non Americans. In other words you need to know what "bee-bees" are. I guess they're something small. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> (I have a vague idea that BBs might be small gun pellets in the US, but I'm not sure.)
Anyway, the joke is presumably that he has really tiny balls, but actually thinks they've swollen rather than shrunk...
-----------------------
Here's another:
Two girls were lying on a nudist beach one day watching a rather hunky guy walking out of the water. To their amazement the water got to half way down his thighs and they still couldn't see the end of his 'manhood'.
Fascinated, they kept watching as he waded towards the beach. The water was now down to his knees, and still no sign of the end.... On it went, half way down his calves, and still no sign of it ending. Soon the water was lapping around his ankles and they still couldn't see the tip.
Finally, he stepped out of the sea, and the end of his 'manhood' was dragging a little on the sand....
"What you starin' at girls?" he said "Of course it shrinks when it's cold...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(This is a similar joke, but in reverse - if I understood the one above).
Kris
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
You are as bad as my ex-step dad. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
He used to comment that he, at one time, had 3 legs until one caught Polio and shrunk a little.
And yes, Bee-Bee's / BB's are like pellets for a pellet gun except BB's are a bit smaller than pellets. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" />
Two girls were lying on a nudist beach one day watching a rather hunky guy walking out of the water. To their amazement the water got to half way down his thighs and they still couldn't see the end of his 'manhood'.
Fascinated, they kept watching as he waded towards the beach. The water was now down to his knees, and still no sign of the end.... On it went, half way down his calves, and still no sign of it ending. Soon the water was lapping around his ankles and they still couldn't see the tip.
Finally, he stepped out of the sea, and the end of his 'manhood' was dragging a little on the sand....
"What you starin' at girls?" he said "Of course it shrinks when it's cold...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Kris
Added comment <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
If he really was that big he'd make a lousy lover due to him always passing out from the blood loss from his whole body going to his manhood. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
It's funny:
They say "bigger is better." But if it's too big, you can't use it all and no one can handle it!
They say "more than a handful is a waste." Those people just don't know what to do with it!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
It's funny:
They say "bigger is better." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
HandEFooD
I've never ever met a single girl who has ever said this about a want in a guy.
Myself included.
In fact a "Good Sense of Humor" is usually at the top of our list. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
NOTE: Good sense not crass.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A nearsighted drunkard named Dan
Found a church in his search for the can.
A priest in confession
Heard this indescretion:
"Any paper on your side, old man?"
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Pecans In The Cemetery
======================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead
of the boy on the bike.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
There was an old hermit named Dave,
Who kept a girl chained in his cave.
The Lord interceded,
Gave the girl what she needed,
And made Dave both her lover-n-slave.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A DAUGHTER'S LETTER
===================
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over
the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I
have eloped with my new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings
and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Johnny said that we
will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to
have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all
the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll
pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Johnny to get better,
he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take
care of myself.
Some day I'll visit so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Is that purely a joke, or has it happened to someone (to you, your friend, your mother, you know, to someone)? Nice one, no matter <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
Is that purely a joke, or has it happened to someone (to you, your friend, your mother, you know, to someone)? Nice one, no matter <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It happened to a lady, but no one I know personally. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
To say the least, the daughters trick worked and the bad grade wasn't much of an issue. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
If she was that smart, I wonder how she got bad grades...
Übereil
If she was that smart, I wonder how she got bad grades...
Übereil
Ube <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Who said they were all bad grades? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Some parents flip out if their child gets a 'B' instead of an 'A'. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I don't agree with that kind of mentality, but they are the parent of the child not me.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
If she was that smart, I wonder how she got bad grades...
Übereil
Ube <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Who said they were all bad grades? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Some parents flip out if their child gets a 'B' instead of an 'A'. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I don't agree with that kind of mentality, but they are the parent of the child not me.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
On the other hand, the "we're happy as long as you're happy" isn't good all the times either. As allways you should try and place yourself in some golden middle (I sound like Bhuddist, but believ me, I'm not).
Übereil
There was an old man named Peach,
Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.
Laid 'em down in a chair,
Plumb forgot they were there,
Then sat down and got bit from beneath!
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A DAUGHTER'S LETTER
===================
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A DAUGHTER'S LETTER
===================
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
HandEFood
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
My sister was steamed after reading it.
A friend of mind was a bit peeved too.
I myself agree with you HandEFood. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I found the Daughter to be quite clever. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Sorry, I disagree. I don't think it is funny when kids pulls stunts like that to try to get out of taking responsibility for what they've done.
Shantara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
When you're a kid, your parents' reaction to your report card can almost be the end of your world. It was one of the reasons my father and I became estranged. I was not a dumb kid by any means, but my interests were specific. It was the areas that I didn't perform well in or the fact I was easily distracted that he always focussed on, never the good. I spent my last five years of high school avoiding him because he'd only ever focus on my schooling.
I think the daughter didn't do anything too bad. She's not trying to dodge out. She admit's she did poorly. By going to a friend's house and leaving a joke, it lets the parent cool down and think rationally before confronting the daughter, who is no doubt expecting the inevitable.
Sorry about the rambling; bad experience. This is a joke thread. Let's keep the happiness flowing! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Open the door, put it in there and close the door.</span>
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Open the door, remove the giraffe, insert the elephant and close the door.</span>
The lion king holds his annual meeting of all animals. All animals attend, seated in order of height. Where is the elephant?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Shut in the refrigerator.</span>
You are adventuring in the wilderness and encounder an aligator infested river. How do you cross?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Wade across. The aligators are at the lion king's meeting.</span>
Sorry, I disagree. I don't think it is funny when kids pulls stunts like that to try to get out of taking responsibility for what they've done.
Shantara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
u know, first i would laugh (being a guy with a sense of humour would do <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> i dare say <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ) ....... THEN i would mete out fitting consequences for the said daughter.
note: i'm not being brutal. just helping her to grow up. but then i have no daughter so ...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
personal experience: it was 2 years ago during the funeral of my grandma. all the relatives were there & a very young cousin of mine asked about grandma's 'new home'. & as for the uncle who stayed with grandma when she was alive, is there enough room in there? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> honestly, i was in sadness but this kid was almost successful in driving the sadness away in an instant with the things he said. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> made me smile & feel thankful that my grandma passed on peacefully in her sleep.
How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Open the door, put it in there and close the door.</span>
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Open the door, remove the giraffe, insert the elephant and close the door.</span>
The lion king holds his annual meeting of all animals. All animals attend, seated in order of height. Where is the elephant?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Shut in the refrigerator.</span>
You are adventuring in the wilderness and encounder an aligator infested river. How do you cross?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Wade across. The aligators are at the lion king's meeting.</span>
You know, they tried these queston on the Swedish goverment, and a bunch of kids (age: about 2-5 years). Allmost none in the goverment made them, and allmost all of the kids made them. Just a quick note. Can just say, I made them all now, but the first time I heard them I made none of them...
Übereil
Strange how they always test these things on students and professors and parliament members, not to forget all those poor kindergarten kids... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbandsSubject: TAX MAN
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said.
"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband No. 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. .....God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride.
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
@ Mea => <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A friend of mine e-mailed me this one:
There was this guy who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day.
One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his manhood, which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his manhood which he left sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to prod it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying
"There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady said "what do you mean by that"...
The first little old lady said "Look at that...
when I was 20....I was curious about it.
when I was 30....I enjoyed it.
when I was 40....I asked for it.
when I was 50....I paid for it.
when I was 60....I prayed for it.
when I was 70....I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80 the damn things are growing wild!!!
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Nice one Mea. And Kyras is pretty allright too, but I've allready heard it.
Übereil
I love them both! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Talking about it - that's called oral sex isn't it? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
As we're going in for rude rhymes, I might as well trot out one of the oldest rhymes I remember from my schooldays:
There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling.
So she sat on a chair
with her legs in the air
and widdled all over the ceiling.
Nothing new about that one, but I have a 'historical footnote':
I'd always thought that the rhyme was something of an anatomical impossibility. But a friend who had been hop picking in the south east of England many years ago assured me that was not so!
Apparently, there were two rival camps who turned up each year to pick hops - the Cockneys and the Gypsies. One year somebody challenged everybody else to a pi$$ing competition - highest up the shed wall to be the winner.
The men were looking smug until a Gypsy
woman peed clear onto the
roof. He did give further details, which I will suppress here.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Talking about it - that's called oral sex isn't it?
Well if you usually talk with your mouth full yeah... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
This is an apology to the people who frequent this forum.
I am sorry. I should never have expressed my opinion. I am new around here and I did not realize that I was out of bounds in stating an opinion.
Thank you HandEFood for pointing this out to me. You were absolutely right.
This is a joke thread and just because I didn't see the humor in Kyra's joke
that gave me no right to state my opinion. Jokes have their place and opinions
theirs and this is the place for jokes.
Thanks everybody for your patience and I am sorry. Have fun and enjoy.
Shantara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
@ shantara -> don't u worry. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> we're all ok here & in fact, u don't have to apologise for stating your opinion though this thread seems a bit out of place for opinions. & do stick around, ok? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea -> oh boy, u're getting funnier & funnier & funnier & ..... . u're easily in my top 5 of the funniest person in the forum, with good ol' Jurak being the FUNNIEST ever! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Filth warning!!! This is rather rude. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> but the punchline had me rolling..
Don't read if easily offended.
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
There was a young man from Kent
Whose thing was so long it had bent.
It was simply no trouble
To put it in double
So instead of coming he went...
</span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> for some reason that last line has me cackling every time...
This is an apology to the people who frequent this forum.
I am sorry. I should never have expressed my opinion. I am new around here and I did not realize that I was out of bounds in stating an opinion.
Thank you HandEFood for pointing this out to me. You were absolutely right.
This is a joke thread and just because I didn't see the humor in Kyra's joke
that gave me no right to state my opinion. Jokes have their place and opinions
theirs and this is the place for jokes.
Thanks everybody for your patience and I am sorry. Have fun and enjoy.
Shantara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
No! Not at all! Your opinions are most welcome! I was simply replying with my own opinion.
I think that fact that I rambled sent the mixed message. It brought back some painful memories which spilled out. I didn't want to bring the whole thread down or take it off topic, so I closed with another joke.
Please, if something here does offend you, you have every right to say so. It is a public forum and not everyone's tastes and opinions are the same. There's no point having a laugh if everyone can't join in.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
This is an apology to the people who frequent this forum.
I am sorry. I should never have expressed my opinion. I am new around here and I did not realize that I was out of bounds in stating an opinion.
Thank you HandEFood for pointing this out to me. You were absolutely right.
This is a joke thread and just because I didn't see the humor in Kyra's joke
that gave me no right to state my opinion. Jokes have their place and opinions
theirs and this is the place for jokes.
Thanks everybody for your patience and I am sorry. Have fun and enjoy.
Shantara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I was going to tell yot that there's no problems in stateing your oppinion here, but pepole have allready done thet, so instead I'll pull off my fater's classical joke (HE pulls it of everytime he sees a packet of juice (I think it's spelled that way...)):
A man and his wife comes into a bar. They are from easten Europe somewere, and are not too good at English (NOT because they come from eastern Europe...). They walks up to the bar, and the man says:
Can I have a wiskey? Huve you juise/use for my wife? (he sais the juise/use thing as one word. It's funnier whan you tell it...)
Übereil
@ Shantara =>
No need to apologize.
You are a beautiful person and it's very nice to have someone like you become part of the family.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Okay, I'm posting this one special just for the guys.
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so".
That night, on a meal of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't think so.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
What?
You didn't think it was funny?
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Personally Kyra_NY I liked the Kicker (some Belgian and Dutch members may get the joke on words here Kikker = Frog in Dutch)
But specially for our Damsel in not so much distress and not to forget our bearded one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Oh and sorry for the lengthy joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Just had to send this
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart touching
stories <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> That reminded me what one of my ex-step dads said once to me and my brother and sisters.
"Oh, you kids. You'd laugh at any joke as long as it had the words poo-poo or pee-pee in it."
We all started laughing again after he said that. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car --both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "OH, am I driving?"
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
I do that all the time and no one notice... I rarely do the other thing though...
Übereil
[color:"yellow"] HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: [/color]
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
[color:"yellow"] HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: [/color]
Show up naked.
With beer.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
[color:"yellow"] HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: [/color]
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
[color:"yellow"] HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: [/color]
Show up naked.
With beer.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
It's discrimination, isn't it?
Übereil
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
With beer.
That should do it! Well, depends how good you look naked. The beer takes care of that though! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
With beer.
That should do it! Well, depends how good you look naked. The beer takes care of that though! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />
Womble
Well, I guess you are going to need more than one beer.
Because I look just like the Sea Hag on Popeye. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Well, I guess you are going to need more than one beer.
Because I look just like the Sea Hag on Popeye.
I always bring at least a sixpack. You'd need more than one too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Well, I guess you are going to need more than one beer.
Because I look just like the Sea Hag on Popeye.
I always bring at least a sixpack. You'd need more than one too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Womble
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> It's a very convenient and safe answer to use. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
It's a very convenient and safe answer to use.
That's how you STAY married! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
It's a very convenient and safe answer to use.
That's how you STAY married! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Womble
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> As Spanky said, "And How!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Work
There is a new virus.
The code name is "WORK".
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.
Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry.
I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive ....... so I'm headed for the bar anyway.
Never hurts to be safe.
Well, I don't work, but still, I don't have five friends... I better go to the nearest bar... But whait, I don't get in since I'm not 18... I'm in trouble <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
Well, I don't work, but still, I don't have five friends... I better go to the nearest bar... But whait, I don't get in since I'm not 18... I'm in trouble <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
That's okay Ube.
You can always be a closet drunk. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Well, I don't work, but still, I don't have five friends... I better go to the nearest bar... But whait, I don't get in since I'm not 18... I'm in trouble <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
That's okay Ube.
You can always be a closet drunk. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Whith what booze? I'm under 18, so, theoreticlly I'm not able to get my hands on booze. That all of my friends my friends (from school, so they're not really my friends) drink is a completely different matter... (Yes, they're the same age as me. Some of them are even younger!)
Übereil
Try it UB. Just try it. (if you can get hold of some)
Scary thing is, your friends at school will probably be the best you ever meet! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Try it UB. Just try it. (if you can get hold of some)
Scary thing is, your friends at school will probably be the best you ever meet! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Womble
Womble!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Try it UB. Just try it. (if you can get hold of some)
Why?
Übereil
Try it UB. Just try it. (if you can get hold of some)
Why?
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohh.gif" alt="" /> You don't need to Ube.
Womble's being a bad influence on you. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />
Try it UB. Just try it. (if you can get hold of some)
Why?
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohh.gif" alt="" /> You don't need to Ube.
Womble's being a bad influence on you. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />
I know.
Übereil
I knew this knowledge came from somewhere, but ;;;;;;;
![[Linked Image]](http://members.optusnet.com.au/~mea_culpa/b_book.jpg)
I've never seen that book...
Übereil
Sorry UB, just messing about. Lets not get this thread derailed into the whys and wherefores of teenage drinking. More jokes please!
Jokes, you say? Let's think <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />...
Womble <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />! Funniest joke today. So short, so brilliant!
Übereil (sorry, couldn't help myself. No offence meant.)
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 AM.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 AM.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" />
And what is sad is, I have known some girls that are that dumb.
Hair color didn't matter. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Subject: 15 Things to do at Wal-Mart
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ' Code 3' in housewares . and see what happens.
5 Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6 Move a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
( And; last, but not least!)
15 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
@ Mea =>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Too Good!!!
![[Linked Image]](http://www.geocities.com/kyra_ny/icons/icon_smile_notworthy.gif)
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I used to know a site (who desided to quit
![[Linked Image]](http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/burn.gif)
) with two funny lists in the same style. One what called "fun in the elevator" and the other one was called "the art of annoying others". Both really funny. "When someone enters the elevator, look suspiciouslly at him, then say "You're one of THEM" and place youself as far away as possible from him".
Übereil
The Duck.....not so funny
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said, "This is the pig I've been shagging".
His wife said, "That's not a pig it's a duck!"
The man says, "I was talking to the duck!"
Once upon a time there was a man who whanted a green ping-pong ball for his birthday. (Ping-gong= table tennis.) He had allways wished for a green ping-pong ball at his birthday, but never gotten one.
When he was five he got a (what do you get when you're five?) Actionman figure (I havn't been five for a LONG time. And I know that sentence beggs to be made fun of...).
When he was seven he got a bike. When he was ten he got a TV. When he was 15 he got a moped (you have to be fifteen in order to drive one here. In Sweden). When he was 18 he got a car (rich parents...). He got a whole lot of nice stuff, but he never got a green ping-pong ball. He was a bit pissed becase of that...
At 25 he got a (what do you get when you're twentyfive? Rich parents..) villa. The parents where a bit sick of him STILL hanging around at home...
At 30 he got a nice vase. At 35 he got a new car. At 40 his patrents died and he heritaget a WHOLE lot of money, so from now on gifts where only sumpolic. But he still didn't get a green ping-pong ball. No, he got vases, flowers, booze, golfclubs and a lot of not too nice stuff. And now he was 70. He was getting old. But he still whanted a a green ping-pong ball.
His nephue (who was five, and didn't whant a green ping-pong ball, since he was normal...) asked him why he allways whanted a green ping-pong ball. The man said:
"Well you see" he started, then he ate a piece of fish. A bone stuck in his throat, and it choked him to death.
Übereil
Mission accomplished!
Übereil
That's not funny. It's very very sad... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />
Pepole's supposed to be pissed because they didn't find out why he whanted a green ping-pong ball <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />! What's wrong with you guys???
Übereil
Because you doidn't give us a reason to care about the green ping-pong ball.
Nice to know you're just trying to piss people off... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
The reason you would whant to know why he whanted a green ping-pong ball is because you DON'T know why he whants one. What other reason should there be?
Übereil
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
“Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
“Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
if a woman would do that all day the house would be very clean, but nonetheles a very good joke
@ Lynn: A quite good joke. (If I suck up REALLY good she might reveal something about dd2 <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/idea.gif" alt="" />) That's right, a REALLY GOOD JOKE! I HAVN'T HEARD A BETTER JOKE IN ALL OF MY LIFE <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />. (Better put in a laugh here to make it more believable) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> (good, Über <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />).
Übereil
What Lynn was pointing out is a House wives work is never really appreciated and it is a no thank job.
How many of you, who are married, notice when your wife cleans the house and thanks her for it?
How many of you thank your moms who do all these things for you.
How many of you have said thank you to your wife or mom for doing the dishes, making the bed, or doing the laundry?
I guess you all don’t really appreciate your mom or wives very much do you.
I know I’m on cloud nine when I’m thanked for doing the house work.
And instead of making a rebuttal to what I just wrote, why don’t you bring joy to your moms or wives heart and tell them thank you.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint
Err Lynn do you happen to know any of these women that are
not married ?
Please any submissions to email address, will fly them to australia no mater where they are now <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yes I do! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
@ Kyra: acually (stupid F11!), in my house it's my father who does all the housework (cooking not counted). And whives working at home is in Sweden very rare. Sweden is in some places counted as the world's most equal country when it comes to men/whomen. They even force the men to be at home with newborn babies half of the time while the whomen is at work (even though no one of them whant's it that way...) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> (...).
Übereil
Just like penguins...
LewsTherinKinslayer13
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
That's pretty good. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir
After a day at the beach Moe asked,
"Joe, how come all the girls are interested in you, and they don't pay any attention to me"?
Joe said, "well, if you won't tell anyone I'll tell you my secret. All you have to do is put a potato in your swimming trunks. Then they will notice you!"
After the next day at the beach, Moe said,
"Joe look, I did what you said, and all they did was laugh at me."
Joe answered, "NO, NO, Moe, Put it in front! Not in back!!"
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Ahhh! finally a potatoe joke....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
orc chief, where have u been? enjoying the tub too much, i think. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> glad to have u out of it & join us here. maybe u should move the tub to your computer room. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A man goes into a bar once a week and orders 3 shots of whiskey set up. Finally, the bartender asks him,
"Why do you come in once a week and order 3 shots.
The man replied,
"My brothers and I used to come in and toast each other and now they are gone and so I do it in their memory."
One day he walked in and ordered only 2 shots.
The bartender set them up, watched him drink them, and asked,
"Why only 2 shots tonight?"
The man replied, "I have decided to give up drinking." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
May i offer you a coffee? SEE BELOW FOR INSTRUCTIONS... VERY CUTE <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Coffee?1. CLICK ON THE LINK
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to click on < APRI >
That's NOT why I don't drink coffe. Well, at least it wasn't before...
Übereil
May i offer you a coffee? SEE BELOW FOR INSTRUCTIONS... VERY CUTE <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Coffee?1. CLICK ON THE LINK
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to click on < APRI >
MeaCulpa
Bluck, bluck, ucky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fafnir spits out his Cappuccino!
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I was told to post this one special for MeaCulpa.
A Spaniard from old Albacete
Once knew fifteen goats on a bet-a.
When asked how he felt,
He hitched up his belt,
And said, "I-I-I-I can't-t-t-t tell just as yet-a-a-a-a."
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Hey Faf thanks man we missed those <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
the following joke could be construed as being for ppl of a mature age thus the Spoiler box <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested a whole group of prostitutes, Lulu among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter
standing in line.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied... "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted. </span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
To MeaCulpa
Oh my <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> oh man! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Oh my...
![[Linked Image]](http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif)
Übereil
That's good! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
You know someone is not so bright if they are/have....
01) Not the sharpest pencil in the pack.
02) A few clowns short of a circus.
03) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is dead.
04) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
05) Fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
06) Has a few lose screws.
07) Demonstrates proof that evolution can go in reverse.
08) Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
09) Is full of marbles.
10) Counts to 10 using both hands and feet.
11) Not playing with a full deck.
12) Sharp as a butter knife.
13) Uses white-out* to make corrections on their computer screen.
14) They trip over their cordless phone.
15) They think the extra fork at dinner is in case they drop the other one.
16) They jump out of a plane and ask for directions.
17) They return their bag of M&Ms because it was full of W's.
18) You catch them starring at an orange juice container because it reads concentrate.
19) They ask lightbulbs for ideas.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
20- puts the monitor on the photocopier to print out word doc's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
The Girls Skinny Dipping and the Old Farmer
An old farmer in South Carolina had owned a large farm for many years,
with a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He
grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he
neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and said: "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the
bucket he said..
"I'm just here to feed the alligator."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture in Idaho when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business...."
" ... Now give me back my dog !"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
[img]
http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif[/img] [img]
http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif[/img] [img]
http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif[/img] [img]
http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif[/img] [img]
http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif[/img] [img]
http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif[/img]
Those are good! Writeing a joke now is probably very stupid, bu what the heck...
Classical Norwegian joke (at least in Sweden...), three men walking the desert, an German, a French and a Norwegian. (allways three men...) They are all really thirsty, since they've been walking in that stupid desert for hours. Suddenly they arrives to this emty pool, and notices this sign that says:
"When you jump into the pool, say what you would like to land in, and you will land in it." OK, says the ftrench guy, I'll give it a try...
So he jumpes in and he sais "whine", since most french dudes drink whine, everyone knows that, and fair enough, he lands in whine. He swims around in it for a while, drinks a lot, and after a while he is pretty.. Well, in Sweden we sometimes say round under his shoes. Figure out what it means yourself...
When he had crawled out of the pool, and draged himself away to throw up, the German thought: "Cool. Let's try it out". So he jumps into the pool, and says "beer", since Germans drink beer, everyone knows that too. And when he lands the pool is filled with beer, and he does the same thing as the French, and when he's finnished it's the Norwegians turn.
So he walks to the pool, jumps down... But then he realizes he hasn't removed his watch, and he knows that it's a brand new rolex he bought for...just the heck-of-a-lot of money, so he says "Ah, Sh*t!"
Übereil
good one Ube! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
21) smart as a sack of hammers
22) strong like bull, smart like stick! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
Bull Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breeding Bulls...
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow?"
*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
the pessimistic one said "the situation could not be more desperate!"
the optimistic one said "yes it could, yes it could..."
---------------------------------
the American says " situation under control"
the French says "la situation est grave mais elle n'est pas grave" ("situation is dramatic but not without hope")
the Italian says: "la situazione e desesperata but non e grava" ("situation is without hope but not dramatic")
The reason Swedes are so lousy in sports? Well:
"We finnished last! We finnished last! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />"
Übereil
Is this story real or fictitious, who knows and who cares.
It's funny just the same.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Ah sh*t! I can't laught since my parents are sleeping... I'll have to do it like this (
).
We've just worked with this in chemistry, but we didn't resiev this question. Maybe they're saveing it for the main chourse test (extremely big, extremely difficult). I should study this answer, just in case...
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I believe the original paper was true, though that one has been changed. I've seen a lot more copies saying that she hasn't slept with him. All the same, it's still great! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES...
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia..... U.Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes..... Hue Gogh
The really obnoxious brother.....Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..... Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store..... Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt..... Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt..... Vira Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois..... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..... Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico..... Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative..... Grin Gogh
The great grandfather who drove a stage coach..... Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle..... Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing..... Tan Gogh
His ornighologist uncle..... Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst..... E. Gogh
His cousin, an importer of tropical fruits..... Mang Gogh
His aunt who taught the power of positive thinking..... Way to Gogh
His bouncy young nephew..... Poe Gogh
The disco-loving sister..... Go Gogh
The wayward nephew..... Gogh Figure
And his niece, who is still travelling the U.S. in a van..... Winnie Bay Gogh
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Maybe it's the language, but I had trouble getting some of them (which takes me back: I wish I could speak (and write and read) all languages just as good as I speak (and write and read) Swedish)...
Übereil
Yeah, its definately a pronounciation thing UB. Hey, you speak 2 languages which is more than me!
Maybe it's the language, but I had trouble getting some of them (which takes me back: I wish I could speak (and write and read) all languages just as good as I speak (and write and read) Swedish)...
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
And way more than me too, unless you include words like Burrito, Taco, Quesadilla, and so on. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Not forgetting Tequilla of course... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
and specially for Ky ..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There was a young man from Aberdeen,
Who invented a jerk-off machine.
On the twenty-fifth stroke
The damn thing broke,
And beat both his balls into cream.
Ahh I guess, that you can guess, where this came from <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yeah, its definately a pronounciation thing UB. Hey, you speak 2 languages which is more than me!
Haha, du är så jävla värdelös, din nolla!!!
Übereil (just had to... I don't really mean it)
Haha, du är så jävla värdelös, din nolla!!!
And that means...? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
and specially for Ky ..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Ahh I guess, that you can guess, where this came from <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> I think someone has been a little sneak. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were very tired and
fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good." she replies. "Get your own f*****g blanket!"
After a moment of silence.... he farted.
to this day the "Gentleman" has refrained from eating beans before going on a train journey <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A picture is worth a thousand words.
![[Linked Image]](http://www.geocities.com/mr_royo/ThatWasntChicken.jpg)
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
And yet another. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://www.geocities.com/mr_royo/BlindMan.jpg)
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A corn husker with seizures admits
That a floozy with flux is the pits,
But if one has the hots
Knowing girls with the trots
Tis no worse than shucking between fits.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
>> A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
>> night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and
>> put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested
>> a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave
>> their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
>> They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
>> the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to
>> get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the
>> cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the
>> night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just
>> going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband
>> gets into the cab.
>> "Sorry I took so long,"he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was
>> hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to
>> get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.
>> Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
>> But it worked. I hauled her fat [nocando] downstairs and threw her out into the
>> back yard!"
>> The cab driver hit a parked car...
And the moral? Driveing a cab is dangerous buissnes!
Übereil
![[Linked Image]](http://members.optusnet.com.au/~mea_culpa/ark.gif)
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
I'll make you deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde girl timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."
PS Faf does KY know you posted that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
Nasty...
The pope is on a.. Geeze, what to call it? He's on an offissial visit to New York. Anywhay, he's chilling in a cab in the outer parts of town (realistic story...) when he realizes that he's supposed to be on a important meeting in five minutes. He makes a desission, and tells the driver:
"Hey, I have to be on an important meeting in five minutes, so I need you to drive like you're hunted by the devil. Drive on pavements, break the speed limits, as long as you get me there in time."
The driver replies:
"No way dude! If I do that I'll loose my license in no time!" And the pope says:
"Get in the back. I'll drive."
And he does, he drives like a lunitic, and in no time, he's hunted by a cop. (Yes, they have those in New York too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />!) But the cop looks a little ervously at the car. Then he puuls out his radio, and calls the station. The boss replies:
"Yeah?"
"Well, I've got this guy driveing like he's hunted by the devil, or something. He's driveing in 300 on a 100 road."
"Yeah, so? Pull him over and get him here!"
"Erm... I'm not shure that's such a great idea..."
"Why? Is he an officer?"
"Erm... Not really..."
"Then, what's the problem, pull him over!"
"As I told you, that's not such a great idea..."
"Then what is it? Is it the president?"
"No, it's not the PRESIDENT..."
"Then who is it?"
"Erm... I'm not shure, but the pope is the driver..."
Übereil
@Mea where in heck do you get those funnies! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://www.geocities.com/mr_royo/TheSun.jpg)
THINGS MEN KNOW
01) Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
02) Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
03) Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
04) Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
05) Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
06) Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
07) Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
08) Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
09) Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
10) Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I happened to come over this poinsystem for men.
The princips are quite simple:
If you do something that makes her happy, you get points.
If you something she doesn't like you get minuspoints.
If you do something she expects you get no points at all.
(Sorry guys, but that's the way it is)
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings (+5)
In a blizzard (+8)
But return with beer and three buddies (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
But it was only the cat (-10)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy (-2)
Her name's Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
and she has implants (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to wearing
jeans and baggy Hawaiianshirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply,"Where?" (-35)
Any other (-20)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
So guy, now you might figure out why your wife/girlfriend whants to separate...
Übereil
If you are still married after this ...... I suspect that the woman in the house will be borrowing Luc's frying pan ... very soon <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Where do baby planes comes from? A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess. The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said "Yes she did".
"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS always pulls out on time ... Have your mother explain that to you.
Subject: the man of the house
The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House" by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The fricking funeral director," said his wife.
If you are still married after this ...... I suspect that the woman in the house will be borrowing Luc's frying pan ... very soon <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
MeaCulpa
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I can deal with the Pan better than the +1 Boomerang Stiletto Shoe. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
One day, a man named Jeff complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant.......twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS always pulls out on time ... Have your mother explain that to you."
I don't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />...
Got Fanfirs though...
Übereil
Maybe I could explain it by refering to that Victoria's secret picture in the caption thread. Stuff doesn't end up where its supposed to be, so to speak... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Maybe I could explain it by refering to that Victoria's secret picture in the caption thread. Stuff doesn't end up where its supposed to be, so to speak... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Womble
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
Oh, so you liked those observations, eh? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I think that should've been a caption picture.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I still don't get it...
Übereil
Well I'm sure you will someday...
Can't be a virgin forever right? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
You're not very good at explaining things, you know that?
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Those are great, Ubriel and MeaCulpa! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
The court hadn't seen in an age
The king in so vicious a rage;
For the queen, so she said,
Went to read in her bed,
Where the king found her stuck to a page.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Did you hear about the new divorced Barbie doll?
It comes with all of Ken's things.
An elderly couple in their 90's went to an attorney and asked for a divorce.
The attorney said, "Why do you want a divorce? You've been married for 70 years."
The wife replied, "We've always hated each other, but we wanted to wait until the children died."
@ fafnir -> do u & kyra own so many volumes of such rhyming jokes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ fafnir -> do u & kyra own so many volumes of such rhyming jokes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
To janggut:
Kyra_Ny has a secret stash and has allowed me access to them. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I've been very cautious in the ones I choose to post; because, some of them are extremely funny, but very, very raunchy. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I didn’t want to offend anyone. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Two biologists, Hansen and Babbit,
Crossed a camel one time with a rabbit.
The offspring was jumpy,
And frightfully humpy,
With a peculiar lascivious habit.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come
as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the
first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered
in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa
wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and
the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the
other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you
both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the
street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"
Paddy replies, "Well, I'm fokn discustard, and Mick here has just
come in dispair" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Holy Moly MeaCulpa!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I don't get it... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />
guy covered
in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
"I'm green with NV".
Don't get that...
Übereil
PS Edit: Ah, envy! DS
Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband
is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a$$ grill
for one little weenie ?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I think he made some kind of tactical mistake...
Maybe you've heard this but anywhay:
The boss of Heiniken, Budweiser and Charlsberg is out on the local pub (they're all living in the same area, you know...). When a whaitress shows up and ask what they want to drink the boss of Heiniken says:
"I whant a Heiniken, cos it can ONLY be Heiniken!"
The boss of Budweiser counterattack with:
"I whant a Budweiser, the world's nr one!" (or whatever their slogan is, don't care much for it though, it's not what's important about the story...)
And then the boss of Charlsberg sais:
"I'll have a coke."
And the other two goes:
"What?!? You're not haveing beer???"
And the Charlsbergboss replies:
"No, when you're not haveing beer I'm not haveing beer either."
Übereil
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes.
So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.
"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Took that from another forum though.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Oh, both MeaCulpa and LewsTherinKinslayer13
Those were good. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in? .
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning and finally-
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
21. Dont' be careful with it, just rip the wrapping off!
22. oh no, i broke my balls!
23. i'm going to play a while with the sheep <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There's a standout young swimmer named Bard
Swims a style he's been told to discard.
His backstroke the topic:
For he swims periscopic,
And competes, say officials, way too hard.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
For the engineers out there.
How do a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer determine the volume of a red rubber ball?
The mathematician measures the circumference and applies the formula for the volume of a sphere.
The physicist immerses the ball in a beaker filled with water and measures the amount of displacement.
The engineer looks it up in his book of red rubber ball values.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
To Cleglaw:
Oh, that is sooooo true. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
and a few specially for Kyra <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO DO
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
******And a bit Christmas spirit;***********************
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable litttle brats, ungrateful litttle jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works !
I've busted my [nocando] for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those *ssholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo's--No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots..they think--I'm IBM !
Flying throught the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I"ll sit on my fat *ss and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
More for the engineers out there.
A minister, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf. At 1st they were enjoying themselves, but then they came up on a group playing ahead of them who were taking a long long time to complete each hole. They would swing erratically and totally miss, or even hit the ball in the wrong direction. After awhile it got on their nerves.
Their caddy said, "Don't be too hard on those guys. They're heroes. They saved some children from a fire and became blinded by toxic fumes that burned their eyes. The owner of the golf course is the father of one of the children whose life they saved, and he lets them play here for free. So cut them some slack. They are true heroes."
The minister was touched and said. "I will pray for them every day."
The doctor said, "I know the head of opthamology at the Mayo clinic. I will contact him and see if there is anything we can do to help these men."
The engineer said, "Why don't they just play at night?"
@ cleg -> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> engineers are pragmatists to a major fault, aren't they?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Good ones! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> keep 'em coming!
It was getting late and the footman traveling salesman didn’t relish the thought of having to sleep outside when he came along a farmhouse.
He knocked on the house door and the farmer of the house answered,
“Yes, sonny. Is there something I can do fer yas?”
The salesman replied, “Yes, Sir could you put me up for the night? It’s getting awfully late and I’d hate to have to sleep outside.”
“I don’t rightly think that woulds be a good idea and I don’t have a hankerin for strangers sleepin in me house”, the farmer replied.
The salesman begged, “Please, Sir anywhere would be fine. Even the floor of your house would be okay.”
The farmer pondered a moment and responded, “Well sonny, there is me barn, but it’s an old barn. I don’t rightly know how she was able to keep standing this long, but she has. I fear though any loud sound might bring her a crashing down.”
The salesman immediately piped in, “That’ll be fine!”
“Okay sonny, just you be careful then and no loud sounds”, said the farmer.
That night the farmer was woke-up by a blood curdling shriek of pure terror!
Followed by the earth shattering crash of his barn!
Immediately the farmer called Emergency care of the nearest Hospital fearing the worst has happened to the salesman!
As the paramedics wheeled the barely clinging to life salesman the farmer ran to the wheeled stretcher the salesman was on and asked him, “Why sonny, why? Why did you yell when I told ya me old barn was so rickety and abouts ready to fall.”
The salesman answered between gasping breathes, “Well, that snake that curled up next to my neck to keep warm I could handle though I was frightfully scared, and that monster of a spider that crawled across my chest had me sweating bullets by the bucket full, but when that squirrel came for another nut, my God,
I just had to yell!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea => FYI
My hubbie loves my cooking when I do cook. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
He says his mom made to many cooking experiments that rarely tasted good
and that he and his sisters were always the guinea pigs. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
@ Übereil =>
I see from your posts you're missing your love
so here you are Übe, know that you're loved. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
The unfortunate salesman was put back on the road after his stay in hospital, and the silly sod got caught in the middle of nowhere at night again. He came to a farmhouse and asked if he could be put up for the night.
"Well, I'm not sure if I've got room for you. I've already got a little red-headded school teacher staying in the barn for a few days." said the farmer.
"Oh, I won't be any trouble at all." replied the salesman. "You needn't worry about me and the little red-headed school teacher. I'm always a perfect gentleman."
"Well that's good of you, 'cos so is the little red-headed school teacher!"
1-I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
2-Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
BUSTED
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "Awe! Shoot!."
Busted indeed... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> (Don't think I will ever do THAT mistake... 'til I do it, that is...)
Übereil
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to
swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know," he blubbers," but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Great one, Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />.
And Mea, howcome it's two hes? (We're haveing sexual knowledge (again...) and we've talked a little about how men and whomen are raised differently.)
Übereil
because men have more balls..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
As a matter of fact (we're still haveing sexual knowledge (again...) in school) htye don't. Whomen has just as much balls as men (they just call them something else, AND you can't see them).
Übereil
True, but they produce very different hormones, and hence different attitudes, to those that men's produce.
K quick and dry the way I like em:
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
And an aeroplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.
"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this [nocando] before
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
lot's more I any one wats em <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A guy walked into a bar and said "ouch!"
A termite walked into a bar and said "Is this bar tender?"
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said "So why the long face?"
A dragon walked into a bar. The bartender said, "You'll have to leave
or I'll call the cops." The dragon, snorted, "What are they going to
do, arrest me for smoking?"
Ahh morbo those sounds so "(W) right" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Merry Christmas,
and you thought this would just be more filth !!!!!!
Ahh morbo those sounds so "(W) right" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A Christmas Story...
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Merry Christmas,
and you thought this would just be more filth !!!!!!
![[Linked Image]](http://home.earthlink.net/~lgn1374/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/santa.jpg)
A guy walked into a bar and said "ouch!"
A termite walked into a bar and said "Is this bar tender?"
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said "So why the long face?"
A dragon walked into a bar. The bartender said, "You'll have to leave
or I'll call the cops." The dragon, snorted, "What are they going to
do, arrest me for smoking?"
A Bear walked into a Bar.The Bartender said "What's with the................................................................Paws" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
In Sweden we have a star on top of the tree (you know what tree I'm talking about!), but it was fun (... well, sort of...) anywhay.
Übereil
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.
A commercial plane starts shocking, airbags poeple believe, but shortly after the pilot anounces they are going to crashland in sea.
A women jumps out of her seat, takes off all her clothes and says "wich man will me feel like a woman one last time?"
A man stands up unbuttons his shirt and replies "Iron my shirt bitch!"
There was a young man of Canute
Who was troubled by warts on his root.
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He can play his root like a flute.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
What would have happened if it had been
Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
1-They would have asked directions
2-They would have arrived on time
3-They would have helped deliver the baby
4-They would have cleaned the stable
5-They would have made a casserole
and
6-They would have brought practical gifts
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some Collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?" you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I did, I did!!!
![[Linked Image]](http://www.geocities.com/kyra_ny/icons/516.gif)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
Mea, nothing personlal but there was two things I didn't. The first things was grinn. the second one ws get it. Please, explain yourself.
Übereil
Mea, nothing personlal but there was two things I didn't. The first things was grinn. the second one ws get it. Please, explain yourself.
Übereil
It is a play on an old English language children’s rhyme Ube.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
Cinderella was queen of the the ball
And she started a real Royal Brawl
When at midnight's last stroke
The magic spell broke:
There she stood wearing nothing at all!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" />
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her panties she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/xmassmiley.gif" alt="" />
A man went for an audition at a local club.
"You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance
when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Sh*t'!!!
We've been cleaning the place up ever since." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Here's a classic one: Tage Danielsson's The emperors new clothes:
One boy in the audience shouts:
But she's not wearing any clothes!
Then he had to leave since he was under 18. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
Jesus and his apprentices walked by the lake. Jesus goes on as if the water was land. His apprentices are stunned. One asks "Master, can we do that too?". "Of course!," says the Christ, "Go on! Follow me!". The apprentices, over-eager, rush to him and all fall in the water. "You are stupid, friends: nobody can walk on water! Walk on rocks!".
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> Good one Death:)
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous",! says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" />
The grade school teacher reads a story to the children.
"And then," she reads, "the second little piggie went to the farmer and asked him some straw. The farmer replied... Bobby, what do you think the farmer told the little piggie?
- Bloody hell! A talking pig!"
Back in the old days when they used to ship the cattle to market, they always sent along a cowboy to feed and water the cattle on the long trip.
He had to stay right in the boxcar with the cattle; this is the story of one such cowboy.
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Upon arriving in Chicago the cowboy hot, tired, dusty and thirsty headed for the nearest restaurant, the only seat available was next to a young, good looking, well dressed lady.
He couldn't help but overhear her place her order, "I'll have fowl, wild fowl, make sure it's wild, catch it yourself, garnish my plate lightly with onion, and bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot and not too cold, and not too strong, and waiter I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in here, could you open a window?"
Thoroughly pissed off the cowboy places his order, "I'll have duck, [nocando] duck, make sure it's [nocando], [nocando] it yourself, and bring me a cup of coffee, as strong as Texas mule's piss, blow the foam off with a fart, garnish my plate with horse [nocando], and waiter could you knock down a wall, I smell a whore in heat, there must be a Bitch in the house!</span>
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
@ Fafnir =>
Uh, smookums...you might want to think about turning it down a notch or two.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Heh <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> smookums <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/xmassmiley.gif" alt="" />
Heh <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> smookums <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/xmassmiley.gif" alt="" />
MeaCulpa
Well, we won't mention Poo-Bear then, oops. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
ooh I can't wait to find out
where that endearment came from <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />Christmasjoke!Christmasjoke!Christmasjoke!Christmasjoke!
Who invented the first budgetmotel?
Joseph and Maria
Joseph & Maria were at the beach one day with their little one. All the other children were playing in the water and having fun except the little one. He is standing there and crying his eyes out, he wants to get in too.
Another man got very annoyed and yells: "Jezus Christ, what a crybaby"
Maria said to Joseph: "That would have been a nice name for our Harry!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Why was Christ born in a manger?
Because Mary belonged to an HMO.
He offered his honor,
She honored his offer,
And all through the night......
it was honor and offer...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
Übi, this one is for you!!
A pretty Italian boy is riding his expensive Rolls trough the streets of Rome. All of a sudden, he realize that he wants sex, as soon as possible. So, he looks around and notice a beautiful girl with Scandinavian features. He pulls over and gives her a ride. He starts talking to her in his best English and they seem to get along.
After a few hours they are at the Italian' home having sex. After 15 min. the Italian has come and when he lights up his sigarette, he asks her "You finish?"
"No!" said the girl. So he puts out his sigarette, jumps back on her and start all over. After 30 min. he asks the girl "You finish?" "No!!" she replied with a little agre in her voice. The Italian puts out his sigarette and jumps back on top of her. After 1 hour (he is now very sure of himself) he asks "You finish?" "No, I'm Swedish!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Three brothers are quietly sitting in a bar. An older, obviously drunk man enters. He sits near one of them. After a while he slips: "I ****** your mother!". The three brothers ignored them. In a couple of minutes, he repeats "I ****** your mother!". One of the brothers shifts uneasily, but doesn't say anything. In a while, the old man continues: "I ****** your...". One of the brothers turn arround: "Calm down, dad."
^^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A country man moves to New York. During the transition, his golden pocket watch stops working so he goes arround the city looking for a skilled watch mechanic. He tried several stores but nobody would take the laborious work. Finally, he stopped by a small shop with a giant watch above it. He entered it and asked the front-desk man: "Hello, I have a watch here. Can you please repair it?
- We don't repair watches.
- What do you do, then?
- We do circumcisions.
- Why do you have a watch above your store, then?
- What else do you want us to put there???"
A Festive one.....
A man walks into a doctors and explains his problem, "I have a Mincepie stuck up my ar$se"
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers so he could examine the unfotunate fellow, "Mmmm yes ,you do have a mincepie stuck up your Ar$se" ...The Doctor then says "Don't worry though, I have some cream for that"!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
No offence to anyone!!
A Belgian adventurer and a Dutch hunter were walking in the jungle. Suddenly they are captured by a wild tribe. The head of the tribe gives the 2 brave man the choice: Eather they get killed and eaten or they have to shuffle 100 of the same kind of nuts up their a$s. So they both go looking for 100 nuts. The Belgian adventurer comes back first and starts to put all his 100 hazelnuts up his a$s. When he gets to the 99th he starts to laugh and can't continue. He saw the Dutchman arriving with 100 coconuts... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Girlfriend v1.0
TECHNICAL SUPPORT REQUEST:
Last year I upgraded "Girlfriend v1.0" to "Wife v1.0" and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, "Wife v1.0" installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization. Applications such as "Pokernight v10.3" and "Beerbash v2.5" no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge "Wife v1.0" from my system. I am thinking about going back to "Girlfriend v1.0" but UNINSTALL does not work on this program. Can you help me?
~~A Frustrated User
Dear Frustrated User,
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from "Girlfriend v1.0" to "Wife v1.0" with the idea that this is merely a utilities and entertainment program. "Wife v1.0" is an operating system and designed to run everything. Do not try to reinstall the program. Trying to remove "Wife v1.0" will destroy valuable system resources. Some have tried to install "Girlfriend v2.0" or "Wife v2.0" but end up with more problems than the original system. Others have tried to run "Girlfriend v1.0" in the background, while "Wife v1.0" is running. Eventually "Wife v1.0" detects "Girlfriend v1.0" and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a system crash. There's pretty much nothing you can do now, good luck.
~~The Computer Guy
A Microsoft Desktop...
![[Linked Image]](http://217.22.58.200/moppentap-com/p/a/3.jpg)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I love the picture! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
they don't all look that tough do they? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
For the alligatorlovers amongst us
![[Linked Image]](http://217.22.58.200/moppentap-com/p/a/267.jpg)
A special for us ladies out there!!!!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating Children
Q: What should you give a man who has everything ?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future ?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A: All he cared were for legs, breast and thighs.
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why do bachelors like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature
Q: How do you get a man to exercise?
A: Tie the TV remote to his shoelaces
Q: What's the difference between a typical man and ET?
A: ET phoned home.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Bland.
Indeed datd...
It's like this:
why woman love cats
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde-
pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're
home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
^^^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
KYRA!!! Help.... can't... stop... laughing....
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
and even more <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
.......still laughing.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
It wasn't THAT funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
No ubs, to you it wont be.... you've heard all those come backs already!!!!
(just kidding)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
That is because Übi is a guy, we women are strong in words and you have to admit, those were really good!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Oh, my god, this has turned in to the "I hate men thread". Maybe I should put in some anti-women jokes? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOway, I'll join my fellow females in this!! HaHa!!!
Men are like....Animals
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....Beer.
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Bras.
They offer light, medium and complete support.
Men are like....Buses.
They come every 15 minutes.
Men are like....Buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
Men are like....Computers.
And a smart woman keeps a backup.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Fires.
They go out if unattended!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> ^^^
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
[...]
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Ooh! Sharp! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Good ones, Kyra <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
Oh, ladies, please do not turn it into a two people thread with the anti-men jokes <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
I mean, really, if dogs are better than men, beer is better than women.
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
[15 of 53 reasons]
Hehe, here's another one from my dad;
If a Lady says "no", she means "maybe"
If a Lady says "maybe", she means "Yes"
if a Lady says "Yes", she is no Lady <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Since I'm young and inexperienced I can only say:
There is a word in Sweden that is called personangrepp (roughly attack of person), that is defined as insulting a person without being able to base these insults on any real facts (to call Billy Corgan a completely unmusical person, who can't sing and doesn't know how to play the guitarr can be called attack of perston). Just as you know.
Übereil
Hehe, here's another one from my dad;
If a Lady says "no", she means "maybe"
If a Lady says "maybe", she means "Yes"
if a Lady says "Yes", she is no Lady <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
"I might like you better
If we slept together
But there’s somethin
In your eyes that says
Maybe that’s never
Never say never"
Queens of the Stone Age* - Never Say Never
*: Possibly only a cover by QotSA
Ubi: You mean
slander ?
By the way, I find the beer-women jokes as bland as what Galadriel (no offence, Galadriel) posted on the previous page: I just wanted to balance the thread <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
Prehaps I did. I didn't know I did though, since I've never heard the word before.
Übereil
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
[...]
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Ooh! Sharp! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Good ones, Kyra <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
Oh, ladies, please do not turn it into a two people thread with the anti-men jokes <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
I mean, really, if dogs are better than men, beer is better than women.
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
[15 of 53 reasons]
Nice Datd. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I was wondering when someone would react and save me the trouble.
Yes, I got lazy. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Nice Datd. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I was wondering when someone would react and save me the trouble.
Yes, I got lazy. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I honestly find those jokes phoney and bland. Except for the conversation bits Kyra posted.
Agreed.
That's why I didn't reacted... like most others. I guess.
But someone had to sooner or later.
Havwaï
Two friends talking...
first friend:
"I've been to Havaï on holiday"
second friend:
"Nice, but it's prenounced Hawaï. How long you been there?"
first friend:
"Oh, only tvo veeks"
"jokes" to think about
In most mariages is only one sparkle of light left...
the tv screen
Worrying is like a rocking-chair...
It keeps you busy, but it gets you nowhere.
A New Russian tourist stops at a Chic hotel.
By mid-day, the receptionist receives a phone call:
"Too tee too too too too"
He think it's children playing pranks so he ignores it.
In a minute the phone rings again:
"Too tee too too too too"
He ignores it once again.
In a minute the story repeats:
"Too tee too too too too"
He puts down the phone and in an instant a man in a black suit walks to the desk:
"My boss complains about the terrible service in this hotel: three times he tried to tell you that he wants two cups of tea to two hundred and twenty-two."
In case if you didn't get the joke:
[color:"#37485A"]"Too tee too too too too" is "Two tea to two-two-two"[/color]
*
@ Setharmon =>
Didn't you know I posted those jokes specifically with you in mind,
you naughty boy you. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
All in good fun of course. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
With me in mind? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
So that's where I been lately... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Setharmon? You back here? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Am I crazy? I thought you were away for like forever <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Glad you're back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
lol
Hi again jvb.
I been away like forever. It was just one of those short forevers. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Good to see you again. I miss some of the "oldies".
ps: yes, you are crazy. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There once was a fellow named Nate,
Who had trouble procuring a date.
So with a few bucks,
Of inflatable luck,
He purchased his date in a crate.
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a service station in St. John's on his tour of Newfoundland.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, unaware of who the golf pro is...
"How are ya today".
Tiger bends down to pick up the pump and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey, Son? Says the attendant. "They are called tees." Replies Tiger. "They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving". Says Tiger.
Lard Jaysus!!! Says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Volvo tinks of fuckin everyting".
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
10 points <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Quickly some on ask me if I am a Spidermonkey
Well.......................................are you???
no <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
What do you mean? No?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
^^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> ^^^^
Takes the animal encyclopaedia out of the book case.
Well I don't think so. I've got the 5 limbs of a male human and the picture looks a lot like me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Muahahahhihihihahahaihiahiahihihihi! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Alcohol Side Effects: (personal exp)
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.
3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.
7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making an a$$ of yourself.
8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.
In Contempt:
The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you [nocando]!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you [nocando]!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that [nocando], and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/516.gif)
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/1074.gif)
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/077.gif)
Very good one!
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's [nocando] I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's [nocando] too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
"Oh yeah" muttered Mea, while trying to get back in to her chair, (mainly cause it is very hard to type while rolling on the floor) "Keep'em comming guys" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I wouldn't mind if they did, Mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Übereil <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
Answer: The characters go to different places, depending on who you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case letters.
The 20th century bitter cynical nihilist's explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell too.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Delete) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's explanation: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been deleting them??? Can't you hear them screaming??? Why don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you pig!!!
How To Impress A Woman
Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the Earth for her....
How To Impress A Man
Show up naked, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Bring beer. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
I thought they were taken away to be turned into
Soylent ASCII.
A man walked into a cowboy bar...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> And I think that's the first time I've ever used that emoticon!
heh I kinda liked Soylent Ascii <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Its a good one.
Taken from the Enya Forum :
Creative Words
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
11. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
12. Beelzebug (n.): The devil in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
13. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
14. Infaction - Brain swollen with facts.
15. Kilopede - Goodness,I've never seen a longer worm!
16. Beebrato - A style of singing that is similar to vibrato and the humming of bees.
17. Satinfaction - The feeling you get when you're wearing a satin outfit.
18. Meopia (me-OH-pe-ah): (1) The inability of a person to see past one's own desires; (2) A condition whereby the afflicted one considers all others to have been placed upon this Earth solely for his or her benefit; (3) A delusional state whereby the victim believes that he or she is at the center of anything important. [see also Conceit, Egoism, High-Maintenance, and Self-Righteousness]
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
I thought they were taken away to be turned into
Soylent ASCII.
10 points
But more importantly
10 point on the nerd joke meter.
Aye r3$p3t H3F <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Oh God, I can see it now: my next nick:
H4ND3F0000D!!1!1! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Fw: The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
After paying for everything she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! !!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . "
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Doncha just hate that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />^^^
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master suite in their hotel. The man's wife leaves, but the staff fails to notice.
A few hours later, the man goes to the manager at the desk and says that he is checking out.
The manager asks him where his wife is.
The man tells the manager that she left him.
The manager asks, "Why, didn't you have a good time last night?"
The man replies, "Yes, I had the best night of my life last night."
The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?"
The man replies, "It was with the maid."
How Golf Is Like Urinating In A Public Restroom
1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you're taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.
How Golf Is Like Urinating In A Public Restroom
1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you're taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.
Good one Morbo, but don't forget to shake 3 times when you're finished... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Jim goes on vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they are visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law dies.
With the death certificate in hand, Jim goes to the American Consulate's office to make arrangements to send the body back to the U.S. for proper burial.
The consulate, after hearing about the death of the mother-in-law, tells Jim that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive -- it could cost as much as $5,000. The consulate continues and explains that in most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body in the country where he or she passed away. This would only cost $150.
Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The consulate, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Good one, Morbo <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Poor 100 men... only 12 pints to devide among them.
They must have gotten very thursty. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Signs You Have A Hangover
1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside the entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long, your motto is "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
This is not really a joke, but it is a stand up comedy routine of
Jeremy Hotz It is a 14.5Mb file
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Revelation
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Yet another Morbo classic...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
![[Linked Image]](http://www.my-smileys.de/smileys2/aua_2.gif)
P.S.: I know another one, but it's a very dirty one, full with nocando's and I don't dare to tell it, but it's still a good one... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Star Wars vs. Star Trek
12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun."
11. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, the Princess still looks fresh and desirable -- after Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looks like hell.
9. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
7. One word: light sabers!
6. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
5. The Death Star doesn't care if the Earth is class M or not.
4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Empire with one glance.
3. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter-impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
2. Aliens have makeup in other places than their foreheads.
1. Death Star vs. Enterprise!
I just read this! Where'd you get it from?
i've got my sources. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
No, it's not on the net. I have to write it myself,but it will be too dirty for the forum... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?...... <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> Megasoreass </span>
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?....... <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Lickalotapuss </span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
@ Gal -> now u know the devastating comedic power of Jurak. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Oh, the peanut sat on the railroad track,
His heart was all a flutter.
The choo-choo train came down the track,
Toot,tooot, peanut butter.
What?
That wasn't funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Nuts
A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Now that's a good one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
unfortionaly i can't translate this to my language, because it will be lost in the translation.
^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> LadySarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> ^^^
There were three strings walking down the street and they decided to go into a bar for a drink.
The first string goes in and asks for a drink.
The bartender yells, "hey! we don't serve strings around here, get out!"
The second string hears the story and says, "let me give it a try."
Walks in, the bartender immediately yells, "hey you, string!
I just told your buddy, we don't serve your kind in here, get out!"
The third string hears this, gets a scissors, cuts himself in half, ties himself back together, and then roughs up one end.
He then walks into the bar, the bartender says, "Hey! You're not one of those strings that's been hanging around here are you?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
Get it, A Frayed Knot!
What?
That wasn't funny neither?
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Hmmm... I didnt' find this funny... Maybe that's because I'm listening to Joy Division... No, whait! It's because I havn't seen Star Treck, yes!
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Well???, Are you dumb?
I'm dumb, since I didn't realize what he was asking for in the first question <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />...
Übereil
hehe
got all 3 right the first time. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise
Came and shook the life out of the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Well, I must be very dumb, since I lost five minutes of my life to listen to something stupid as that!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There were three strings walking down the street and they decided to go into a bar for a drink.
The first string goes in and asks for a drink.
The bartender yells, "hey! we don't serve strings around here, get out!"
The second string hears the story and says, "let me give it a try."
Walks in, the bartender immediately yells, "hey you, string!
I just told your buddy, we don't serve your kind in here, get out!"
The third string hears this, gets a scissors, cuts himself in half, ties himself back together, and then roughs up one end.
He then walks into the bar, the bartender says, "Hey! You're not one of those strings that's been hanging around here are you?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
Get it, A Frayed Knot!
Not bad, I'm afraid <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
This is probably the first time I really have just started cracking up at something online--> and really used the rofl sign.. Damn question number 3! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
For all the women out there! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Bad marriage?
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
I asked myself that very same question only a few days ago... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
![[Linked Image]](http://www.jokes.com/schtuff/zombie/images/bhead.gif)
Forty Thieves
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins."
"That?s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"
![[Linked Image]](http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/lol.gif)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Sry for the tardiness so here are 2 jokes
A guy was driving down a road and he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for help. As soon as the owner opened the door, it started to pour, so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, "OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't touch it."
The man went up to the guestroom, but he was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff, he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster arrived, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half-hour. Then, this bully steps up to the bar, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on, man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying."
The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then, as I'm leaving the building, I find out my car was stolen. I get in a cab to return home and I forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
i like the second one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />
Yeah, the second one was the best one. I love our Belgian humour!! It's so black! (not the color)
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.
What's brown and half eaten?
The Queen Mothers Easter egg.
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?
It's called the Jackson Five and Under.
What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
Did I beat David Blaine?
@ Lady Sarah
your's was at also very good!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Ok. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I don't know.tell. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Lews are you in suspense? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
lol! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A guy walks into a bar on top of a skyscraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window, the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again.
The man astonished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you know, you are a real a**hole when you're drinking, Superman. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.
Officer: "What's 2+2?"
Blonde: "Ummm... 4!"
Officer: "What's the square root of 100?"
Blonde: "Ummm... 10!"
Officer: "Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Blonde: "Ummm... I don't know."
Officer: "Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow."
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde replies, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and very sorry begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart mouth on your knee."
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Ablonde phones Directory Information and asks "do you have the number for 911?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Are we on picking on the blondes again?? OK!! I'll join you...
How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for [color:"red"]T[/color]oes [color:"red"]G[/color]o [color:"red"]I[/color]n [color:"red"]F[/color]irst.
How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.
How many grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Oh, don't mind me. I'll just sit in the dark...</span>
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.</span>
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Fish!</span>
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis.
I mean ladder! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" /></span>
Here are some things to ponder as you make your way through the work week. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How many grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Oh, don't mind me. I'll just sit in the dark...</span>
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.</span>
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Fish!</span>
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis.
I mean ladder! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" /></span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> We don't know, it's never been done before! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> </span>
Blonde Buys Curtains
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> None .... Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in Jaccuzzi's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> </span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Who installed a hot tub not long ago? Not in Ca, a little more north...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Put's a whole other -lightbulb- light on that project.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
You guys are just too funny!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> It's always nicz to read this part of the forum!!
Famous Last Words <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
--------------------------
It's fireproof.
--------------------------
He's probably just hibernating.
--------------------------
What does this button do?
--------------------------
So, you're a cannibal.
--------------------------
It's probably just a rash.
--------------------------
Are you sure the power is off?
--------------------------
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
--------------------------
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
--------------------------
Pull the pin and count to what?
--------------------------
I wonder where the mother bear is.
--------------------------
I've seen this done on TV.
--------------------------
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
--------------------------
I'll hold it, and you light the fuse.
--------------------------
This doesn't taste right.
--------------------------
I can make this light before it changes.
--------------------------
Nice doggie.
--------------------------
I can do that with my eyes closed.
--------------------------
Trust me.
--------------------------
That's odd.
--------------------------
Don't be so superstitious.
--------------------------
Now watch this.
Hey, Iuse my last actionpoints for reloading instead of healing...
No that was something different <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />...
Übereil
What's the difference between 2 horses?
Sounds like a canard but it's still hilarious.
Especially the line at the end of the article:" Lisa is blonde" makes it all the more hilarious!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Yup, I wonder why they added that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lammas class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
There's a guy sitting on an island somewhere in the middle of the ocean (he's the only one there. Saying this in Swedish is much easier since you only say öde ö, which more or less means empty island). He's been here for a while.
One day a women arrive, pretty good looking, and walks up to him.
She sais "hi", he looks up (he was trying to light a fire (poorlly), and didn't see her comeing), and sais "oh hi there". She sais "... well, how long have you been here then?". He replies "erm... I'm not shure... For a while." She wonders "well, ahev there been anything you've missed during all the time you've spend here?". He thinks. And thinks. And thinks a little more. She decides to help him a little: "like a nice dinner or something"? He looks a lot happier and sais "well now that you mention it!". She smiles, and walks away. After a little while she comes back with a Nice dinner (think of your favorite dish, and that's what it will be). He shines up: "Hey, that's my favorite dish! I havn't had it in ages, though..." The women gives it to him. Shye allso gives him knife and a fork, but he didn't notice that...
When he's finnished, she asks him "well, is therte anything else you've missed during al the time you've spend here?" He starts to think again. She quicklly adds "like a beer or something". He sais "well, now that you mention it..." She walks away and comes back with a beer, which he drinks. He seems to enjoy it very much.
Then she asks, now in a slightlly different tone "well, is there anything else you've missed?", while she caress him on the inside of his leg. He shines up and sais:
"Don't tell me you brought the golfclubs?"
Übereil
The secret Star Wars Scene that was not shown!
A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"
LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."
DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."
LUKE: "NO!"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"
LUKE: "Threepio?"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."
LUKE: "No."
DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"
LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."
DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"
LUKE: "Shut up."
DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"
LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"
DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.
DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Nice one, LadySarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
The secret Star Wars Scene that was not shown!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> That is the best thing I have seen in years! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Bill Gates soup of the day
PATRON: Waiter!
WAITER: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
PATRON: There's a fly in my soup!
WAITER: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
PATRON: No, it's still there.
WAITER: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
PATRON: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
WAITER: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
PATRON: A SOUP bowl!
WAITER: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
PATRON: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?
WAITER: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
PATRON: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
WAITER: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
PATRON: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
WAITER: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
PATRON: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
WAITER: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
PATRON: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
WAITER: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
PATRON: This is potato soup.
WAITER: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
PATRON: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
PATRON: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ..................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .....$2.50
Access to support .................................. $1.00
Reminds me of the parrot skit in Monty Python! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Both of those are hilarious. I remember that skit, and the Bill soup thing is just to true.
New addition to the periodic table of elements.
New element:Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don’t even go there)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
thanks for the funny smilies Gal.....
I had the feeling that they were familiar to me... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
You're welcome, it's one of mine my addictions anyway.
Well Seth, gij slaat de nagel op de kop!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
En toch "sla" ik niet (graag) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Why am I not surprised?
So I guess you like lettuce, eh? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.
All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.
The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Why are Australian males like
wombats ?
Because they Eat Roots and Leaves <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohh.gif" alt="" />
One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot
Off into a patch of buttercups.
Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.
After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say
“please don’t hurt my buttercups”.
Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.
Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say
“please don’t hurt my buttercups”.
This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechaun standing by him.
The little man spoke to the man and said,
“Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year’s supply of butter for free”.
The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied,
“That’s a fine offer, but I have but one question for you,
where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?”
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD....that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes...
I decide to change the oil in the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car....
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay the car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk ....
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills....yes, now where is the checkbook? Oops....there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on the desk. I'm going to look for those checks....
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away....
BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers. I head for the door and....Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers....
BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks....
BY THE END OF THE DAY: The oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, I've LOST my car keys....
AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because....
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!
I realize this condition is serious....I'd get help....
BUT FIRST I think I'll check the forum.
BY THE WAY, the doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious and that it can be transmitted by posting in a forum. So if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this post.
(I meant to put this warning at the beginning of the message but I got distracted....Sorry....!)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />
Good ones, everybody <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Let me try one:
Once there was an Englishman, a German, and a Norwegian working on a building under construction (somewhere, I've got no idea where you can find an Englishman, a German, and a Norwegian at the same time working). When it was time for lunch they all fetched their lunchboxes. The Englishman opened first and found the usuall Fish and Chips, which he got everyday. He says:
"Dammit, not again! I'm getting pretty fed up with Fish and Chips! I've got it everyday for the last 30 years, and my god, am I getting tired of it!"
Then the German opened HIS box, and found the usuall Bratwurst with Kartoffelsallad. He said:
"Nein! Not Bratwurst mit Kartoffelsallad again. Every day, for the last 40 years I've got Bratwurst with Kartoffelsallad, and I'm getting pretty tired of it!"
Then it was the Norwegian's turn to open his box, and he found the usuall Cod, so he said:
"Erm... It seems I've got Cod again... Hmm... It must have gone about 35 years, and I still havn't got anything else to eat at work..."
They all started to eat (with a great lack of enthusiasm), when the German suddenlly sais:
"If I get this to eat tommorow I'm going to jump down the wall." Since this was a pretty high building this would certainlly mean death. The Englishmen sais:
"Well, me too. I've eaten Fish and Chips for the last time!" Then they both looks at the Norwegian. They continue to look. The Norwegian looks back. After a while he sais:
"Ah! Well, then I think I chould jump down the wall if I get cod too..."
The next day, at lunch they fetched their lunchboxes. The Englishman started. He slowlly opened the box. It was fish and chips. He suddenlly looked much paler. He sais:
"Well... A promise is a promise." and quiclly jumped down the wall, and with a splash sound he died. The German and Norwegian looked at the red spot that used to be their friend, and then the German opened the box, quicklly. It was Bratwurst with Kartoffelsalad. He sais:
"Well then..." and jumps. The Norwegian looks at him. And then looks around at the now empty roof. He sais:
"Well, let's se what we've got in our box..." He opens, and it's cod. He sais:
"Well... I DID promice... Erm, let's see." Then he walks to the edge and jumps, and dies.
Later, at the funeral, the wives meet up. They had heard of the reason for their suicide, and they are all chocked. Hte Englishman's wife starts:
"Well, this is chocking. If he had only told me, I would have made him something else." The German's wife agrees:
"Well, me too." The Norwegians wife sais:
"Well, I don't understand it" (And here's the point <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />):
"my husband allways made his own lunches!"
Übereil
Actual Bumper Stickers
Bumper Stickers
Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.
Some people just don't known how to drive...I call these people "Everybody but me."
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
More things to ponder
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a turtle loses it's shell... is it naked, or homeless?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin... and it is... exactly what is a fog horn made out of?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Ground-Breaking News!
A fire in a charcole factory today caused $1,000,000 worth of stock. The brick factory next door recorded record profits when it was demolished.
I have some more bumperstickers but they are all in Flemmish, so the translation may not be that funny.
It's better to have a tiger in the tank then a donkey behind the wheel. (especially for those Porsche and Ferrari drivers)
You can laugh all you want, mine is payed! (usually on very small and cheap cars)
My yacht is in the garage. (idem dito)
Mijn Toyota is van plastiek/ My Toyota is from plastic(on the "My Toyota is fantastic!" logo)
What is bumber stickers really? Never heard of them...
Übereil
You don't hear them, you see them. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
What's a bumper (on a car)? And what's a sticker?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
They're more rare these days. It was "in fashion" to have one on a car years and years and years ago.
Haven't seen one in years in Europe. Not that kind anyway.
Bumper sticker; usually on a cheap car
"My other Car is crap too"
"If my other car was a Mercedes, why would I be driving this?"
" Caution: Car driven by female with PMS"
And 1 for the Dutch/Belgians, some who may remember this:
"Rijjijofrijik"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Rij jij of rij ik?
Do you drive or do I drive?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I remember.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Bumper sticker; usually on a cheap car
"My other Car is crap too"
"If my other car was a Mercedes, why would I be driving this?"
" Caution: Car driven by female with PMS"
And 1 for the Dutch/Belgians, some who may remember this:
"Rijjijofrijik"
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/fingers/fing21.gif)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Sounds almost like some alien's name. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
I've found something that might be offensive, so please be careful while reading it ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Taoism
[nocando] happens.
Confucianism
Confucius said, [nocando] happens.
Buddhism
If [nocando] happens, it is not really [nocando].
Zen Buddhism
What is the sound of [nocando] happening?
Hinduism
This [nocando] happened before.
Islam
If [nocando] happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism
Let [nocando] happen to someone else.
Catholicism
If [nocando] happens, then you deserve it.
Judaism
Why does this [nocando] always happen to us?
New Age
Affirm that [nocando] does not happen to me.
Atheism
I don´t believe this [nocando].
Rastafarianism
Let´s roll this [nocando] up and smoke it.
Edit : Oh, [nocando] !
good ones <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I think, therefore i spam..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Here's a link showing cars with bumper stickers. I didn't realize that it was not common around the world. Here's a link to what they look like.
bumper stickers More bumper stickers
a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Taoism
[nocando] happens.
...
I love them all!
Jedi-ism
Did you see that [nocando]?!
Three World War II veterans were sitting in their local tavern one night. They got on to the topic of women and how they were all still able to seduce them at age 80. The Air Force Captain started "I remember scoring with this hottie just last month. A 75 year old still in full working order!"
The Navy Commodore replied "Ha! Well I scored a nice young 70 year old just last week. I called it off though after she wanted me to meet her kids."
They both turned to the Army General and asked "So when was the last time you got lucky?"
"1945."
Holding back their laughter they asked again "What? <hmph> You haven't been with <snort> a woman since <snigger> 1945?"
"What's so bad about that? It's only 2100 hours right now!"
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Ten Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer in Your Spare Time
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she
tries to figure out where she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,"I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down
Pizzaaaaaa And thats serious.
My favorite bumper sticker
![[Linked Image]](http://members.lycos.nl/jackbauer2/41a3c60e09cdf.gif)
A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.
"Before I put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"
The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song 'Yeah, Alabama?'"
"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"
The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me before you play 'Yeah, Alabama?'"
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Rominds me of a true story. A man was applying to become a police officer. On the application form it asked "Have you ever committed a crime?" He replied "Yes." Upon checking the database and seeing no convictions against the man, they arresetd him and used the application form as part of his testemony! (Oh, and he didn't get the job.)
In the year 2000:
"The annoying Aflac Duck will be replaced by the more annoying Affleck Ben."
"After being convicted, Michael Jackson escapes from prison disguised as a black man who likes grownups."
"Parents will no longer let their kids watch SpongeBob SquarePants, when it's revealed that SpongeBob once worked as a female contraceptive."
"NBC will air its most challenging episode of Fear Factor ever, in which contestants are asked to swallow the notion that Clay Aiken is not gay."
"While eating at a restaruant, a New York Yankees player will adminster the hymlic maneuver to a woman, promtpting the headline, 'Choking Victim Saves Choking Victim."
"The human race will finally recieve a message from outer space, a long boring message, about home refinancing."
eh um that was like 20 years ago? no?
The year 2000
that's pm or am?, Never been good with figures....
I meant "In the year two thousand"
It's a Conan sketch that he started when he first took over the show. After the year 2000 they are still doing the sketch "in the year 2000" with a twist of idiocy. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
The following excerpts are from an English translation of Umberto Eco's
back-page column, "La bustina di Minerva," in the Italian News weekly
Espresso, September 30, 1994.
..."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground
religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of
mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately
agree with me.
"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh
computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the
opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is protestant.
Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by
the 'ratio-studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly,
conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step
to reach -- if not the Kingdom of Heaven -- the moment in which their
document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is
dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a
right to salvation.
"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free
interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions,
imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the
idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system work you
need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the baroque
community of revelers, the user is closed within the loneliness of
his own inner torment.
"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe
has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of
the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism,
big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility
of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre
decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and
gays to be ministers if you want to....
"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments,
if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is
talmudic and cabalistic..."
Is that so? Lol...
Hey, Cleg is back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Things My Mother Taught Me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Very good ones Cleglaw! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I have to remember that when I talk to my son in a few years! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Sorry Übs, I was in a rush earlier..
Very good ones Egin! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Looked back to see what Egin posted. He hasn't made a post in thst thread for the last 60 posts...
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
Plum pudding has no plums in it nor is it a pudding.
The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, Roman nor an empire.
An egg cream has no eggs or cream in it.
quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
People recite at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?
How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?
your house can burn up as it burns
down, you fill in a form
by filling it out, an
alarm clock goes off by going on.
the human race
is not a race.
That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Very good! That's a keeper. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)
Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
I AM ITALIAN
Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.
I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM PAKISTANI
Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.
I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!
Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!
I AM CHINESE!
Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's [nocando] anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and finally........
I AM AMERICAN
Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.
I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
No offence of course!! It's just a silly joke..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I AM AMERICAN
Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked. [color:"red"] Can't argue with most of us being intelligent[/color]
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, [color:"red"] I do [/color]
although I'm pretty sure they were American. [color:"red"]They weren't [/color]
I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated, [color:"red"] I like water [/color]
Guns settle disputes, not discussions. [color:"red"]No, swords do [/color]
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing, [color:"red"] Well DUH [/color]
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere. [color:"red"]Not really [/color]
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS, [color:"red"] BK? Oh... *throw up* Washing is good... [/color]
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast, [color:"red"] That sounds horrible [/color]
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL! [color:"red"] No its not, and I have both. [/color]
The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world, [color:"red"]You mean its not? [/color]
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE, [color:"red"]That is true... [/color]
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!! [color:"red"] Its pronounced IM-HEIR-I-KAH[/color]
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister, [color:"red"] No its not, and that sounds bad [/color]
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
[color:"red"] Hey, me too! [/color]
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
Canadians only make it to the middle of the road.
To help the American robber to the Gun store?
Oh dear it is beginning ....
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were chatting one day when
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in all
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to check their
claims.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asking "Who the hell
is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
***********************************************************************************************
One day the-Prince-who-wanted-to-be-a-tampon was driving around his Mother's
estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite corgi.
The poor unfortunate dog was crushed to a pulp!
The Prince got out of his car, surveyed the squidge that once was a corgi,
sat down on the grass and started crying.
The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be angry as
well.
Noticing a partially buried lamp by his foot he dug it up, gave it a wipe
and, dear reader, low and behold, a genie appeared.
"You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie,
for this I grant you one wish".
"Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that I
need, but let me show you the dog".
As they walked over to the splattered remains of the dog the Prince asked
"Do you think you can bring it back to life"?
The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head.
"This body is far too gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't there
anything else you would like"?
The Prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and took out two
photographs.
"I used to be married to this beautiful woman called Diana", said the Prince
showing the genie the first photograph.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla". He showed the genie the second
photograph.
"You see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make
Camilla as beautiful as Diana"?
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "Let's
have another look at that dog".
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo ...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />This is <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />one of the <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />best jokes <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I read today!!Well done, Mea, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
This one time, there was a painter (artist) that was sitting in his couch and talking to his model. They started to get very familiar with each other and moved closer. Suddenly the man hears his wife coming home and said to the girl:
" Quickly, undress yourself, my wife is home!!"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
If they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio furniture.
Why did the Siamese twins move from Mexico to England?
So the other one could drive.
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
Canadians only make it to the middle of the road.
Becouse they stumble over all Americans laying there and blocking the way?
Not funny. It's not their fault they don't have a Bush to lead the way.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
first let me ask why Cleglaw said "Goodbye" ??
second here's a couple of Jokes
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,
"May we see the baby now?"
No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."
*************************************************************************************
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike", said the cop, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep,” the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
The following are purportedly a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (that is, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
What for? He can't see my license plate.
2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
3. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Always wear a condom.
4. When driving through fog, what should you use?
Your car.
5. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
6. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
7. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
8. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
The color.
9. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Heavy psychedelics.
10. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
Carry loaded weapons.
Is there anyone who knows any of those... describe the caracsident in your own words? They can be quite funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."
The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"
"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3
men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that
she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my
family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I
was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was
feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely
I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back on the
island.
@ LadySarah
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.
Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years.
This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Tuesday"
*************************************
Yeah I know predictable
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
In honor of the Potato:
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Sorry guys forgot where the bumpersticker section was so I decided to post them here, since they are funny.
Bumperstickers
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I Brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Telephone Problems?
An elderly lady contacted her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then he heard the dog moan loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Ahhh Mea, you always come up with the goodies... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into
a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog,
and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your
loving companion for an entire week." The man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it
to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year
and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put
it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you
for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you
kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Seth >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I like that one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> Poor dog!!
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> That was great, Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
I'll pay that one Lady_Sara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Do you think he washes it after every customer <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />?
Übereil
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly caressing his face with both hands. "Actually, I'm not," says the man.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathesthe bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck and nip at them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers sliding in and out of his mouth.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />
Ole and Lena
Ole was pacing the expectant Father's waiting room,
waiting for news on Lena and the baby.
The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all
was well, he could see his son through the nursery window.
Ole went to the window and asked to see the Thompson baby.
The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he
wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena.
"Something wrong wit the baby?" he asked.
"No, the baby is fine."
"Well bring him over so I can see him."
The nurse did so and behold she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw.
Upon seeing him,
Ole got a big grin on his face and said, "Oh, dat Lena, she burns
everyting!"
The President''s Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
I don't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
"Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it" said the chemist, "I can never remember that word."
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/freak.gif" alt="" />
Ube, "3 to 5 years (old)" is the recommended age of someone to solve the puzzle. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Ube, "3 to 5 years (old)" is the recommended age of someone to solve the puzzle. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Ah!
Übereil
A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair
given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
Nah ..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
I knew it
but still <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
-Those 5 times ware not counting the times he had to explain over and over again.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money
and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe,
and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard,
and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room.
The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
funny office game <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
LadySarah >
Loved the office game! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
It reminded me of a friend and I who constantly dialed
a co-workers work phone number from the fax machine. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Boy, did that drive them crazy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> They can only get mad if you get caught!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Since April 1 is fast approaching. Here's some ideas!
April Fools!
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around.
Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.
She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal
and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.
The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.
He says "The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out
until the end of the school day"!
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome
Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
CANADIAN EH?
A Newfie was sitting at a bar when this huge, burly American guy walked in.
As he passed the Newfie,
he hit him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly American said, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
The Newfie got back on his barstool and resumed drinking his beer.
The burly American then got up to go to the bathroom and,
as he walked by the Newfie, he hit him on the other side of the neck
and knocked him to the floor.
That's a judo chop from Japan", he said.
The Newfie decided he'd had enough and left.
An hour later he came back and saw the burly American sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.
The Newfie said to the bartender,
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Canadian Tire."
- Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
- Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
- Tech Support: "Ok, sir, please click on the 'gateway' tab."
Customer "You do know I have a Dell, right?"
- Customer: "Right, this computer's gone all crazy. It's blinking, beeping, and doing all sorts of stuff!"
Tech Support: "What were you doing with the computer at the time?"
Customer: "I was dusting it."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
Jurak >
What's a Newfie?
I've never seen or heard of that word before.
Tsel
I think it's a racial or social class slur, kind of like "redneck".
Newfie = guy from Newfoundland, Canada.
It's the same kind of pejorative than for blonds, if you like. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
HEF & LaFille >
Oh, okay. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Thank you.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
A Blonde Easter
Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here."
The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and..."
"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday."
St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiled and nodded.
The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
St. Peter fainted...
Easter One-Liners
Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: A good Easter.
Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!
Q: "Why are you studying your Easter candy?"
A: "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"
Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!
Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march
Merry Easter to everyone!!!
![[Linked Image]](http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/feiertage/feiertag-smiley-005.gif)
an every day one-liner:
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and he said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
This is for all the men out there! You can thank me later! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Guide to the hormone hostage
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
@ Lady Sarah
Teach them girl!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Okay turn about is fair play. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Men are from Mars, Women are from... somewhere else way out there.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
@LadySarah and gal.,
So you want us to lie all the time?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Lie even more than we already do now?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
I guess we better live up to the old and very wise saying:
"When a woman speaks to you, just smile. Don't answer."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
No Seth, it not a matter of telling lies, but being a bit more tactfull towards us, poor women. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Poor! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@Tsel
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
That 'poor' is after they left the mall
(... and there was still such a great pair of shoes at this store, and such a nice dress at that store, and some new china -for when auntie Mabel comes to visit next week, you know- at yet another store, ... You can be sure it will all be gone tomorrow. Gee, why didn't you brought more money?)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Hey it's not lying if you are trying to save your own skin! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
And I'll only be poor when I get back from my vacation! I'm heading to the motherload of all malls with over 520 stores! It's so big, it has it's own gift shop of souvenirs! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Here I come baby! Back on Topic!!
Goodbye, mother!
Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
"I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say 'Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.
"Of course I can," the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"
"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.
One day, mom was cleaning Junior's room and she found a bondage S&M magazine in the closet. This was highly upsetting for her.
When her husband got home, she showed it to him.
He looked at the magazine and handed it back to her without saying a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
LadySarah >
That pooooooor guy.
Morbo >
Maybe that's why some kids get in trouble on purpose.
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house.
Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down.
It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance
to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Phil and Jill have been married for many years, but they are now in divorce court.
The judge asks, "Phil, is it true that during the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes, your Honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her, your Honor."
Payback! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Supposedly a true story from Sweden ... not sure about that ...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and he would get her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of wine. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girlfriend, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the curtain rods
Nice! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I've had a dead animal in the flue before. Not pleasent...
I loved yours, Morbo! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Supposedly a true story from Sweden ... not sure about that ...
I've read it like a dozen times now. And every time it's another country.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I guess it's one of those "jokes" ppl tell eachother as true story, and it started to live it's own life everywhere.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataract is so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
[color:"yellow"]Confucius Says[/color]
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Eunuch not strange creature, just man cut out to be bachelor.
Man who dream of eating giant mushroom---wake up with no pillow.
Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.
Man do not mind bust in mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous lady.
Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress.
Girl who make love in tomb may soon become mummy.
Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.
Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam.
Man who pass gas in church must sit in own pew.
Man with big mouth, beware of foot.
Man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.
House without bathroom, uncanny.
Man who throw dirt, losing ground.
Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser.
Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
Man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
He who have last laugh, not get joke.
Man who throw away watch, wasting time.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
"Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree."
Linux joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Confucius Says: Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Follow this guide if you want to confuse, scare or just generally annoy anyone unlucky enough to be in the same computer room as you! (I find these so funny! I guess I am Bart at heart! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />)
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the Batman TV show theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
You forgot: Push a button, scream "run!" and throw yourself behing a desk. Then carefully look out, at the computer. Then say: "Erm... I think it's cool" and walk back and continue as nothing happened.
Übereil
Good one Ube <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So -- what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
Leave a message after the beep...
This call will cost you 95 cents per minute
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Too true! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Great Truths
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today...
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management/sales position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the [nocando], and disappear for the rest of the day.
Jurak >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Hi Jurak, it's nice to see you back!! Where the hell have you been, we are looking all over for you (in France, in the Moulin Rouge <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> )
More blond jokes, guys??
The Tearful Bride...
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
galadriel & LadySarah >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> You two and your blonde jokes. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
"Assessment Letter" for an employee promotion
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Project Leader
The following Memo was soon sent following the "Assessment Letter"
That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line
(i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,) for my true assessment of him.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
QUOTE:
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
I love those last two!
"Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest."
A peanut is not a pea or not.
BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try to change?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
The sad part is that it's true... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sad.gif" alt="" />
A bunch of doctors are gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices too, and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. "Sure," the woman says. "Let me go wash my hands first."
After she washes her hands, they have sex. Once they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This really starts to annoy the male doctor, so he says, "You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands."
Angry at this remark, the woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!"
Heh if I may paraphrase Jangg, "Classic Morbo" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Well you ask I turn (doesn't sound well in english) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> (it's somthing along the lines of Youe request I supply)
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of salary he was looking for.
"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years...say, a red Corvette?"
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah, but you started it." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Well you ask I turn (doesn't sound well in english) (it's somthing along the lines of Youe request I supply)
Try something like: "you say jump, I ask how high" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Or "your wish is my command" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
[color:"orange"]For Sale:
White van. Almost never left garage.
Max speed 26 m/h. Perfect for use as a hot dog - or ice creem stand.
Available on:
www.vaticaan.it [/color] <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Snake Bite
"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.
"Because I just bit my lip."
Two sand grains are lying on the beach.
Hey, said the first grain, I think we are followed...
This is a dirty one...
Two big fat droppings are playing soccer.
A diarrhia passes by: hey, can I play too?
No, you have to be a tough one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
You want more? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
[color:"pink"] You want more? [/color]
erm dare I say it YES!!
Snake Bite
"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.
"Because I just bit my lip."
It is a real fact that a lot of venomous animals are not immune to their own poisons. Special... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Should I post this in here or in the fav lyric section?
birdy, birdy in the sky
why did you drop it in my eye
i'm a strong boy, i won't cry
i only hope that cows don't fly...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL (c)
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all
empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away .....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "We're down here." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
================================================================================
Subject: Business Math
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to
those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14 +15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far [nocando] kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
[nocando] and [nocando] kissing that will put you over the top.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
It`s the same at school!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Staying with Gal's trent <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I
will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea
Grossss!!!!! Iiiieeeuuuwww!
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/obscene/eck28.gif)
For the older memebers amongst us:
Do you know the first name of Alzheimer?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>That's how it begins!! </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Do you know the first name of Alzheimer?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>That's how it begins!! </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
But... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
@ Mea
Grossss!!!!! Iiiieeeuuuwww!
For the older memebers amongst us:
Do you know the first name of Alzheimer?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>That's how it begins!! </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
His name was "Spoiler Alzheimer" ?????? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A couple goes to an art gallery and sees a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Does it shows that we Belgians here have a plain form of humour?
What's green and jumps up and down?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>A pea in an elevator </span>
What's brown and jumps up and down?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> That same pea a few weeks later! </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I don't get it.
Why can't it just jump up and down the stairs?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
speaking of strange humor does any one know where this comes from
bonno estenté
ethethethethethethe thethethethe thethethethethe Chris waddle
Scortio!
Boutros Boutros gali
Radiant sir
Ohh suit you sir
Ow bugger
best british humor show since monty python and faulty
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I'm 258.369% sure I seen that.
But I seen so many... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
The office?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Hobbies of Darth Vader
10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls
9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"
8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits
7) Genealogy
6) Using the force to learn to juggle
5) Mortal Kombat 5436
4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship
3) Late nights with a pain droid
2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma
1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet
I'm 258.369% sure I seen that.
But I seen so many... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
The office?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
close it was the fast show
Thankx Morbo... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
If I ever need a memory again, (misplaced my old one... sometime... somewhere... long ago) I'll call you.
k?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thankx Morbo... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
If I ever need a memory again, (misplaced my old one... sometime... somewhere... long ago) I'll call you.
k?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Hmm ... *looks in drawer* thought so I have some old fastpace memory laying around its only 64Mb but you are welcome to it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
it's not the size that is important it's the speed. (I rather have 512 cache on the CPU then 512MB extra in a slot)
now he clearly needs to OC. But be carefull not to do to much as his head could go up in flames (if there is no overheating protection)
my cooling system is built in........through my ears... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
my cooling system is built in........through my ears... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Hmm becareful in that Jacuzzi then huh it is entirely possible you would drown by getting water thru your ears, seeing how they are shapped <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
How do you make a Cat go Woof!
.
.
.
.
Well, first you need to get a can of Petrol......
and how can you make a dog do a cat sound?
first put the Dog in the freezer
then take out the circular saw and start spliting it in half..
mmmiiiiaaaaaww !
Bean! That is awful!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Here are some guidelines according to dogs
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed - Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Computer Problems
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
If Quizzes are Quizzical,
What are Tests?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
If Quizzes are Quizzical,
What are Tests?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
spick
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Oh, good ole George Carlin. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
Maybe some of us have experienced something similar.
You got to love the way this old guy handled it....
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied,
"You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered The receptionist smiled
smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
If Quizzes are Quizzical,
What are Tests?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Hard? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/freak.gif" alt="" />
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. 4 weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our Secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the Others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool...! For 4 weeks we've been eating supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!
That reminds me...
I'm hungry
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/freak.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.
He tells her, 'Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'
She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... It worked! Her breasts got bigger! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.
On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her larger breasts and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby asked her, 'Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?'
'Why, yes, I do. How did you know?'
'Hickory dickory dock ...'
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.
He tells her, 'Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'
She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... It worked! Her breasts got bigger! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.
On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her larger breasts and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby asked her, 'Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?'
'Why, yes, I do. How did you know?'
'Hickory dickory dock ...'
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/1002.gif)
@ Tsel
We have a very similar joke in Dutch, but the words she needed to say are a childsong "k'Zag 2 beren broodjes smeren...", the guy sings the song of "Klein, klein kleutertje" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Helluva Day
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Lady Sarah well done thank you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Two guys are walking down the street
when a mugger approaches them
and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets
and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other
and hands him a bill.
Saying, "Here’s that 20€ I owe you."
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship
that sank in the middle of the Ocean.
They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab
a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days,
they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat,
thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object,
floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find
that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said,
"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey,
I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and
quite frankly, I'm burned out.
You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here.
Make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking,
"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy,
slapping the first guy up side his head.
"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Here is a quick one:
During the election in GB Blair is suffering from Faulty towers syndrome.
how come?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> Don't mention the war </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy,
slapping the first guy up side his head.
"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."
Grrrrrrrreat!!
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/605.gif)
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
LadySarah >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Now that is me to the 'T'. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
HELPLINE CALL
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.
They give the location, name, and everything else just by
scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number
beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
EDIT:
Bonus: Shockwave spoken in English Soapbox
************Marketing 101***********
The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of the concept.
Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone umber. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to
him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten
his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Representative.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
So I should associate brand names with promiscuity? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
So I should associate brand names with promiscuity?
Hmmm <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> I dunno ..... is it a product <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" />
Yep. These days everything is for sale.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
So what's a freebie?! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
During their Hockey match, The Edmonton Oilers had to postpone
their hockey game, against the Molokai Lepers,
due to a face off in the corner.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
New Rules For The Office - Effective Immediately!
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach ofemployment.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hourearly, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks motice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their timewith a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Have a nice week.
change password <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Darn Seth does that mean I have to get a new Password manager <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
I thought you are a manager... ?
So you just need a new password.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Blond jokes again?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings. </span>
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>She can't find the eleven. </span>
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Just remembered one of my father's standard jokes. Don't be offended now...
An american meets a Yellow man (of any kind, to white pepole you all look pretty much the same. Don't be offended, it's just the way it is <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />). After looking at him for a while (this was some time ago, and unwhite pepole where considered to be savages, the whole lot of them) he asks him:
"So, what kind of a nese are you? A Chinese or a Japanese?"
The Yellow man answers in a quite irritated voice (understandable, really):
"I'm from indonesia. What kind of a kie are you? A Yenkie or a monkie?"
(Maybe mispelled, but it sounds allright when you say it).
Übereil
Ube >
I don't get it.
Didn't all of humankind evolve from monkeys? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I like it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Body part!!..
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said:
"You shouldn't be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again:
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her:
"Boy, she's gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said:
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued:
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three,
one day you are going to be very, very disappointed. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Whuhahahahahahahahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/crazy/217.gif)
Lets have H, lets have a Oo, lets have a R, lets have a A and the Y!! Hooray!! Good one Jurak!
HEF >
Thanks Man. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Jurak >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Or very, very sore. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
(in)famous questions, with (appropriate) answers{guess what profession is nagging at my nerves currently? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />}
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan
Q: How was your 1st marriage teminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: His brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere
You get tired in long meetings?
Your attention span drops rapidly reciprocly to the length of monologues?
Here is the way out!
Play 'BS Bingo'!
How to play:
Take a piece and paper and jot down the words below - whenever you have 5 in a row, horizontally, vertically or diagonally, stand up and yell: BS
synergy / bilateral / goal oriented / corporate identity / risk mamagement
communicate / target / volatile / turn around / benchmark
value engineering / vision / global player / leadership / plan
achievement / focus / TQM / customer oriented / scenario
core competence / data storage / packaging / strategic / shareholder value
Try in your next meeting - you'll be surprised of how fast it's over <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
(especially if your company is consultant infested)
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I guess... Unemployed???
Übereil
Glance >
Both posts oh so true. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Retirement
WHAT RETIREMENT DOES TO ONE! ........... I can't wait......
Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy him like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys.
Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"
"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR
5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Kids books that were rejected:
01. You Are Different and That's Bad
02. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
03. Dad's New Wife Tony
04. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
05. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
06. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
07. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
08. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
09. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Granddad Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
16. You Were an Accident
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
19. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
20. Your Nightmares Are Real
21. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
22. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
23. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
24. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
15. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
Pff! Like they need it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> ....... Muhahahahahahahahaa! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Two muffins are baking in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and asks,
"Is it getting hot in here?"
The other muffin responds,
"Holy Sh*t a talking muffin!"
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Workplace vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing the boss' butt rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichol show or the Bachelor is a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located).
GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that is exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm, or
any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (this
often leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Eve's side of the story ................. hehe
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
about and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
THIS WOMAN MUST HAVE BEEN BLONDE, IMAGINE ASKING FOR THIS DISASTER!!
sounds right to me too........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
it's long but definetly worthy of the joke pages....
guaranteed to have both sexes rolling on the floor with laughter.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
> Hair removal
> >
> > You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story.
> >
> > I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out
> loud!!
> >
> > This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it
> should be.
> >
> >
> > As Beth told the story...
> >
> > All methods have tricked me with their promises of
> easy, painless
> removal -
> > the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the
> Nair, the EpilStop,
> and
> > now . . The Wax.
> >
> > My night began as any other normal weekday night. I
> came home from
> work,
> > fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I
> then had the
> thought
> > that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
> couple hours: maybe
> I
> > should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my
> boy with a
> video
> > and
> > head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
> >
> > It was one of those cold wax kits.
> >
> > No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear
> strips in your
> hand,
> > peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and
> ignore the
> > frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in
> the background.
> >
> > No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
> >
> > I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm
> mechanically inclined
> so
> > maybe
> >
> > I can figure out how this works.
> >
> > You'd think.
> >
> > So I pull one of the thin strips out.
> >
> > It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
> >
> > I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften
> the wax (I'm
> > guessing).
> >
> >
> > I go one better:
> >
> > I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten
> thousand degrees.
> >
> > Cold wax, my [nocando]. (Oh, how that phrase will come back
> to haunt me.)
> >
> > I lay the strip across my thigh.
> >
> > I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't
> the best feeling
> in
> > the
> > world, but it wasn't bad.
> >
> > I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> >
> > I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and
> smooth skin
> > extraordinaire!
> >
> > With my next wax strip, I move north.
> >
> > After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in
> fact, becoming
> one
> > with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into
> the bathroom for
> The
> > Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
> >
> > I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> >
> > Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip
> across the right
> side
> > on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina
> and stretching
> up
> > into the inside of the right [nocando] cheek.
> >
> > (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
> >
> > I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
> >
> > RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
> >
> > I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
> >
> > Vision returning.
> >
> > Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the
> strip.
> >
> > Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly
> and tie-dyed?
> >
> > Do I hear crashing drums?
> >
> > OK, coming back to normal again.
> >
> > I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
> caused me so much
> agony.
> >
> > I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
> body hair.
> >
> > I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
> >
> > But why is there no hair on it?
> >
> > Why is the wax mostly gone?
> >
> > Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
> >
> > Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on
> the toilet.
> >
> > I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
> >
> > I touch.
> >
> > I feel.
> >
> > I am touching wax.
> >
> > I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
> >
> > And realize I have just begun living my own personal
> version of "The
> Tar
> > Baby."
> >
> > I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part
> of my body that
> is
> > now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the
> next big mistake
> - up
> > until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on
> the toilet.
> >
> > I know I need to move, to do something.
> >
> > So I put my foot down on the floor.
> >
> > And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
> >
> > Vagina? Sealed shut.
> >
> > [nocando]? Sealed shut.
> >
> > A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have
> to [nocando] anytime
> soon.
> >
> > Your head just might pop off."
> >
> > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately
> to figure out
> what I
> > should do next.
> >
> > Hot water!
> >
> > Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can
> stand and get in
> -
> > the
> > wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
> >
> > Wrong.
> >
> > I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is
> used to
> torture
> >
> > prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.
> >
> > And I sit.
> >
> > Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued
> together is
> having
> > them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a
> tub.
> >
> > In scalding hot water.
> >
> > Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
> >
> > So now I'm stuck to the tub.
> >
> > I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of
> beauty school so
> > surely
> > she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off
> skin. It's never
> good
> > to start a conversation with "So my [nocando] and pussy are
> stuck to the
> tub." \
> > She doesn't have a trick.
> >
> > She does her best to suppress laughter.
> >
> > She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the [nocando] -
> "Are we
> talking
> > cheek or hole, here?" she asks.
> >
> > She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
> >
> > I give her the run-down of the entire night.
> >
> > She tells me to call the number on the side of the box,
> but to have a
> good
> > cover story for where the wax actually is.
> >
> > "You know that if we were working the help line at XX
> Wax Co.and
> somebody
> > called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just
> put them on hold
> then
> > record the conversation for everyone we know.
> >
> > You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet
> if you tell
> them the
> > truth."
> >
> > "While we go through various solutions, I have resorted
> to scraping
> the wax
> > off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the
> girly goodies than
> > covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super
> hot water and
> THEN
> > dry
> >
> > shaving the sticky wax off!
> >
> > In the middle of the conversation (which has
> inexplicably turned to
> other
> > subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace
> that is the
> lotion
> > provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in
> and start
> screaming
> > "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty
> congratulations from C and
> we
> > hang up.
> >
> > I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my
> dismay, that the
> hair
> > is
> > still there.
> >
> > So I shaved the damned stuff off.
> >
> > Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
> >
> > And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine
> cabinet.
> >
> > Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
> >
> > Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
And here's a goody for all you women out there,
Subject: Men
1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ..... Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders .. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .... Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
OK one more then we'll call er quits.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a 'Girls
Night Out'. Needless to say they were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
Since they were very near a cemetery, one of them suggested they 'wiz' behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was
wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers.
She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves.
She dried herself with the ribbon.
After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and
said, ...
" This 'girls night out' thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her panties !!! "
" Hey man, that's nothing !! " ... said the other husband, ...
" Mine came home with a card stuck to herass that said, ...
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU !! "
Well Jurak, you made me do what no one has ever done before! You made me roll on the floor, pee my pants and hit my head against my desk from laughing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Always glad to help, kind lady... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively.
"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
------------------------------------------------------------
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'
Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.
Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags...
Thanks again!
John Smith <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Yo Mama's So Ugly...
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest; they said "Sorry, no professionals"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
- Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.
- Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
- Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
- Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
- Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@ Tsel I always wanted to post these but I wasn't sure about the reactions here. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Now it will be my turn <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
-Yo Mama got so fat when she jump in the air, she got stuck.
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she trip and fall she made the Grand Caryon.
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she step on the scale said "Out of Order."
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she wore a red rain jacket, everyone yelled "Hey Kool-Ade!"
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she bungee jump she broke the bridge in half!
-Yo Mama is soo fat she wears a V.C.R. as a pager.
-Yo Mama is soo fat that the city gave her own zip code.
-Yo Mama is soo fat everyone at the baseball sadtium sat on her.
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she drop you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
-Yo Mama is soo fat takes you a five mile walk around her.
gal >
They are pretty funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Tsel
Me think so too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Yo Momma so old, she sat behide Jesus in the 3rd grade!!
If you like more "Yo momma jokes check out this page
Bunch of Yo momma jokes! Some are a bit too much too post here, but they are still funny! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />
This an ethnic joke, but you all know I'm no racist. I just thought it was very funny. I hope no one is gonna lynch me for that. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
a black boy and his momma where making bread , and the black boy put the flour over his face and said, 'look momma, is is a white boy.' the momma slapped him and said go show ur father.
so the boy goes to his father and says, 'look father, i is a white boy!' the father slaps him and says 'go show ur momma!'
so the boy goes back to his momma, and his momma says, 'so what have u learnt from this?'
and he says,
'ive only been a white boy for 2 minutes and i already hate u black bastards!' <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed..
On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I ! will give you a life
span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Roflmao Tsel, very very funny, but ..... alas also very very true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
excellent Tsel,.....now I need wonder no more! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.
> The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis,1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."
> The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pound,my right testicle weighs 1 pound and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said turn around." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Oh Jurak!! Your jokes are gonna kill me one day! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://users.telenet.be/eforum/emoticons4u/violent/sterb057.gif)
More yo momma jokes! ![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/crazy/071.gif)
The Four Cats
--------------
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."
Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Is this really what women think of us men...
1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ..... Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders .. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .... Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
*chuckle chuckle chuckle* <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
I did not! You can't prove it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Fun Things to do in the elevator!
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
Bah! You don't have to be on an elevator to do that. Just ask my friends. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />
21. When someone enters, stare at him for a moment, then shout "You're one of them!", and stand as far away from him as possible.
Übereil
This is special just for LadySarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
You Know You're From Missouri When...
Everyone in your family has been on a "Float trip."
Down south to you means Arkansas.
You think Missouri is pronounced with an "ah" at the end.
You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.
You think I-44 is spelled "foarty-foar." (St. Louis Only)
You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU.
You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.
You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.
You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport.
You think Imo's is larger than Pizza Hut.
You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
The local gas station sells live bait.
Little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.
All your radio preset buttons are country.
You know enough to get your driving done early on Sundays before the Sunday drivers come out.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Missouri.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Oh my gosh! I love it!! Where did you find that? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
LadySarah >
I googled "jokes about Missouri"
and I found a web page that had those.
I figured you'd appreciate.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Yep, I seen those too before.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
You don't even want me to go off on the Arkansas jokes! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Hmmm... Think we need to find some California jokes. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Until then, here are some true stories of Computer Problems.
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
And I wouldn't doubt all of those tech
trouble shooting calls came from California. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Not really a joke, but more of a prank
that I did to one guy while I was in grade school.
In blue ink I wrote 666 backwards super heavy and dark
in the palm of my hand, and when he walked by me
in the school hall, I slapped his forehead
with the palm of my hand.
He walked around the school, half the day,
with 666 on his forehead! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I know I was mean. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I thought these were funny but may offense to some.
Star Wars
LadySarah >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Those were pretty funny too.
I'd say which ones, but this isn't the
Off Topic like the Germans thread which
uses innuendo for those topics. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
I can't wait <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...
Übereil
A man came home to his wife and says:
Honey I bought some condoms, they where on a special from the Olympic Games, I got a 3 pack with 1 Bronze 1 silver and 1 gold coloured! Which 1 do you wanna try first?
Wife says: The silver 1!
Husband asks: why the silver?
Wife says with a deadpan expression on her face: It's about time
you came second!!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."
------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you [nocando]...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> ROFLcakes! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
That shouldn't be as funny as it is!
![[Linked Image]](http://www.cs.put.poznan.pl/mkomosinski/wspolne/fun_y2k.png)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
All new Y2KY Jelly! Now you can put four digits into your date instead of two!
I don't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />...
Übereil
Fingers and toes are known as digits. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Your dog's barking at the back door.
Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?
Well, it's your call...
but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
HEF, I was referring to LaFilles post <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (even though I didn't understand your post either...).
Übereil
ahem... and I don't want to explain where HEF puts his fingers.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohh.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
------------------------------------------------------------
A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's going down to the local bar. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the bar and leave her at home when they need to economize. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Where do you find those, Seth? They're great <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, June 26, 2005, All Day
Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."
Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere!
------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
------------------------------------------------------------
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
All males better remember... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
I like those last two! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Try reading this out loud... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX ?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
Q: IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great.
Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMTURELY?
A: Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won't mind if you try again.
Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything You're not supposed to.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> Hmm....
Übereil
Psychotherapist
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
Here's an oldie but goodie from right here in Missouri! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Rufus And Clarence
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"
Four mothers are in a psychologist's office having a group session. The session ends with the following conclusions:
The psychologist turns to the first mother and says, "You have an obsession with food because you named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second and says, "You have an obsession with money because you named your daughter Penny."
He turns to the third and says, "You have an obsession with alcohol because you named your daughter Brandy."
He turns to the fourth mother, but before he could say anything, the mother stands up, grabs her son's hand and says, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"
Morbo >
Now, I like that one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 3 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke -- the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band Aids stuck to the mirror."
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band Aids stuck to the mirror."
No...
Übereil
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'
'My darling,' he replied, 'think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Cleglaw >
I like that one too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
That is way to good! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?!? She can't be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
@ Clegglaw
It gives a whole other perspective to the saying: "Kiss my butt"
Like Tsel said before: WAY TO GOOD!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
During an etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well-educated young woman from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the washroom, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replies, "I'm sorry, I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better, but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal is unpleasant."
Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
And so, the teacher passes out.
Morbo >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> (roll, roll) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Guy walks into a Huge Cash & Carry store looks around for a while and says to the salesman " Good Grief that is one big Plasma screen"
the Salesman answered "that, Sir is the window!"
The guy replied knowingly " XP is it?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Guy walks into a Huge Cash & Carry store looks around for a while and says to the salesman " Good Grief that is one big Plasma screen"
the Salesman answered "that, Sir is the window!"
The guy replied knowingly " XP is it?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I guess that guy was blonde, no? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
@ Lady Sarah
You are cracking me up!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything...
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
There is a fire at a chemistry factory (in the U.S), and all kinds of fire companys are there to put it out, because of the dangerous chemicals and all. In the back of the factory stands this safe, containing all the important (and yet secret) formulas, which the company is dependent on, so this safe may not be lost, at any cost. And the owners realize this, and announces that there will be a reward for the team that saves the safe. But even though it is a jucy reward, none of the firemen there manages to get in there, because it's to dangerous.
But from far behind comes this really old fire truck. It looks like 50 years old, and components are just flying as they drive. When they come colser you can see the text 'Swedish Volunteerlly Firemen Organization' written on it, but you don't get to see it for long, because the truck just drives right in, and stops by hitting a wall in the middle of the factory. And out jumps this really old crew, and since they're in the middlöe of a burning factory, the start to try to put it out really fast, and acually manage to do so, slowly. During the time the rest of the firestations there just watch in amazement, the owners gets to raise the reward, berfore the Swedish volunteers comes out with the safe. And right away the news teams ar at them, and one of the questions asked to the leader (called Ole, which is NOT a Swedish name, it's probblly Norwegian, or at least Danish) what they will do with the money from the reward now, and he answers:
"Well, the first thing we will do is fix the breaks on that darn truck!"
Übereil
Corporate lesson 1
A man gets into the shower just as his wife is getting out when the doorbell
rings.
The woman quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was
Bob from next door," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say
anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Corporate lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised. "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek, further up you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well
informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate lesson 3
A sales rep, an admin clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The
genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says
the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager, who says, "I want those
two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.
Corporate lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed
with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon
spotted by a farmer, who shot him dead.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately at the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, turns to the captain and says, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
A man gets into the shower just as his wife is getting out when the doorbell
rings.
The woman quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was
Bob from next door," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say
anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
I'd say the neighbour still owns him $800. If nothing else he's got a paper on it (otherwise I wouldn't pay <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />).
Übereil
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Hello!
Don't know, whether I am right in this topic, but a better one I couldn't find.
So excuse me please, if this great thing has been posted already somewhere in this forum.
Here is it the one and only -
ebay song !
Just enjoy it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock) from the link that Delaya gave us
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
no offence to albino's but I found it funny
![[Linked Image]](http://www.wulffmorgenthaler.com/log/ZX23012005.gif)
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
no offence to albino's but I found it funny
Non taken <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
@ Morbo
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
actual headline of yesterday:
Today is the 100th anniversary of Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Seems like a lot shorter time than that, though
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
And Morbo, I see you've got your old ava back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
yes lately I've been back in my Morbo mood.
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamt I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and joked, "You dreamt you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."
A blonde goes to the doctor and complains "Oh Doctor no matter where I
touch myself it always hurts .......
Doctor looks up and down the voluptuous body and proclaims " well we shall fix that broken finger first, shall we !
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/05jul/uf008113.gif)
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table, with a sign saying, "Take only one Apple please. God is watching."
There was a pile of cookies on the other end of the table, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want. God is watching the apples."
Have to share this with you guys it is just too funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Two Trees
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here is one:..................
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grown between
them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert,
Can you tell if that is a son of beech or a son of birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies, "It is neither a son of beech nor a son of birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my
pecker in."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were all in Africa on a safari when they got separated from their group and were captured by a tribe of cannibals. While the three of them are tied up, the chief comes up to them and says, "We are going to kill you and eat you, and use your skins to make canoes, but to show we aren't entirely without mercy, we will let you each choose how you want to die."
The Englishman says "give me a gun," and shoots himself in the head. The Frenchman asks for a sword and runs himself through. The New Yorker asks for a fork. Then he begins to repeatedly stab himself all over hundreds of times till he is covered in blood. The Chief looks at him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The New Yorker throws the fork at him and says "F*** you and your g*d*mned canoe!"
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/019.gif)
Oh, and Micky, nice one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
A drunken old guy stumbles into the front door of a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a shot of tequila, damn."
The bartender looks at him and tells him that he has had enough. So the old guy curses the bartender out and walks out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same guy comes in through the side door and stumbles up to the bar and demands a shot of tequila. The bartender looks at him in disbelief and refuses to serve him again. The old guy curses him out again and storms out.
A few minutes later, the same old guy stumbles in through the back door and before he could say a word, the bartender says, "Listen, I told you already twice that I'm not going to serve you, so get out of my bar, you drunken [nocando]."
The old guy looks at the bartender and says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at?"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
LadySarah, someone told that joke here not too long ago <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
[color:"orange"] LadySarah, someone told that joke here not too long ago [/color] oops! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking
the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people
from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a
bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the
lawyer.
To stay in the mood...
A blonde driving down a Midwestern highway spots another blonde in a kayak trying to paddle across the top of a wheat field. She got out of her car and calls out to the "kayak" blonde and says, "It's blondes like you, that give blondes like me a bad name! I'd go over there and kick your butt, if only I could swim!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen
· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just bug off and leave me alone.
§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
· Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
§ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our [nocando]. From there on in, life gets worse
§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
****************************************************
Good ones, Mea, most of them weren't just funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
Loved the excuses book & the guide to zen <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to K-Mart
and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out
positive!"
@Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Good one!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Funny signs
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow out."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Heh Classic (On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." )
Well done LadySarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/down.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Fallen
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to
adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the side walks
in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the
confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said,"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
Things that make you go hmmmmmm...
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
No, you're down-under and upside down. Come over here and you'll see. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
No, you're down-under and upside down. Come over here and you'll see.
Not only that! but the majority of the world drive on the wrong side of the road <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Mea, England is NOT the majority of the world...
Übereil
Mea, England is NOT the majority of the world...
Übereil
I thought England drove on the correct side of the road, the left?
Why do we drive on the left?
Mea, England is NOT the majority of the world...
It's not?? Oh my God, and I always thought it was! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> Oh no, next you are gonna tell me that Santa doesn't exist too... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
Erm... Back to the discussion if it's you or everybody else that is wrong: Is it 1/4 of the world that drives on the left side of the road or 3/4 of the wold that drives on the right side of the road that is right?
Übereil
Edit: hope I got it right THIS time <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.
Conversation redirected to the
Helpful Off Topic Thread.
for all you cider drinkers out there who hasn't heard this... It might be somewhere further back in the topic though.
http://www.catsprn.com/dickens_cider.htm
[color:"orange"]
![[Linked Image]](http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/games/ogrebattle/other/ogrebpumpkin.gif)
is coming......... [/color]
@ Jurak
By the looks of your other posts, someone has been doing some smilie-shopping! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> ohh yes, gotta love those smilies..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
If WW2 had been an onlinegame (requires R34d1n Sk1llz)
*Fu** Killer[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Fu** Killer[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this foockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey Fu** Killer you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Fu** Killer[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Fu** Killer rushed some1 help
Fu** Killer[AoE]: lol bye bye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get anti-air guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the foock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is foockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Fu** Killer[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u f*gs im gunna kick ur butts
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little b**** ill get u
Fu** Killer[AoE]: wtf
Fu** Killer[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge foockin army
Fu** Killer[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u Fu** Killer
Fu** Killer[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Fu** Killer[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u a**l! WE HAD A FooCKIN TRUCE
Fu** Killer[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Fu** Killer[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an a**
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Fu** Killer: o man ur foocked
paTTon: oh what now b****
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Fu** Killer[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my s***
Fu** Killer[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u Fu** Killer u paper hanging hun c*********.
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Fu** Killer[AoE]: u guys are fockin lame
Fu** Killer[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Fu** Killer[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Fu** Killer[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Fu** Killer[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: foock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to h*** lol
paTTon: fock this s*** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is lame
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Fu** Killer[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: s*** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be lame gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u foockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumb***
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: f*** u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all f***
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o s***!
*paTTon has left the game.*
Übereil
@ Jurak
You must send me the link (pm) where you got those cute smilies from! Please?? Please?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Übe
Very good joke, too bad that it wasn't an online game, huh?
Yeah. It's well written by the way <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />. Espessially like when Trueman comes in, since it was more or less that that acually happened.
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> That was great, Ube! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
It's hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
> here's one:
>
> Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
> tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
> that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot
> tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
> "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
> beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
> tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
> It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
>
> (Wipe that smile off your face!) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
Good joke that .... Jurak, got it in the email about a month ago and have been happily forwarding it to various ppl (scratches head *thought I had posted here too*), and I remember just being amazed at the amount of ppl who did not "get" that joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Good joke that .... Jurak, got it in the email about a month ago and have been happily forwarding it to various ppl (scratches head *thought I had posted here too*), and I remember just being amazed at the amount of ppl who did not "get" that joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea and Jurak
I got that email too, amazing to me is how many people got that joke in their mailbox <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Elderly Jokes
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender
through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, "I married a beautiful woman two days ago.
She's a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a
meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and
intensely passionate in bed."
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that
sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I can't remember where I
live!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Customer Service Operator: "Hello. How may I help you?" Blonde: "Yes, I need Jack's telephone number?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Who are you talking about?" Blonde: "Your User Guide clearly states on section 17, page 5, that I need to unplug my fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, what's Jack's phone number?"
A blonde read a newspaper headline that blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." As she shook her head at this sad news, she asked the man sitting beside her, "How many's in a Brazilian?"
Cheers! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/party.gif" alt="" />
Woho, Jurak's back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> Jurak is back in good ol' joketown!! Welcome back!!
Daddy's Job
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the [nocando] are permanent.
Love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Jurak, my main man, glad u're back! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" />
just part time for now, but thanks anyway........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
just part time for now, but thanks anyway........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A part is still better then nothing hey Jurak? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
hmm I dunno Jurak, part time don't sound right to me, after all it is getting cold up there so no Tub Time means more 4US Time, IOW we want you more than part time .... my customers at the restaurant are getting bored with the same old jokes ... I need input !!!
So please supply soonest <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
O.K. Mea....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> will do........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Have you heard about the do it yourself home surgery kit?
Suture Self
What do you want people to say at your funeral?
"Look! He's still moving!"
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her. (pronounced spied'er)
Get it? Har har har. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Killerzzz
What do you break by saying it??
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Silence </span>
what's a synonym for synonym ?
The Pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Hehe, good one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
****hmm a little naughty perhaps but sheesh a lot of fun <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> *****
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
Rindercella and her sugly isters
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).
Irony is that they received not one complaint. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read
...
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother
appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass
glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
</span>
One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realises that it's a gay bar, but decides to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and asks "What's the name of your penis?" The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink.” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan Just Do It. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a Ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret." "Why is it secret?" asked the bartender? The man says "It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman".
Knock knock
Who's there?
OJ
OJ who?
You should have been on the jury.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Blue
Blue who?
Wait sorry, I screwed it up. Let me try it again.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Blue
Blue who?
Wait sorry, I screwed it up again.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Blue
Blue who?
Wait sorry, gee--I ought to delete this, but I already typed it. One more time.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Blue?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
Stop yodeling.
Add the letter "a" to the end of each word. Then pronounce each word with a fake Italian accent.
Knocka knocka
Who'sa therea?
I'ma
I'ma whoa?
What do you charge?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
I need some help I need some one-liner jokes fast. jokes like
I used to be schizophrenic, but now we are all right
Why did the chicken cross the road? To cause a global pandemic.
Yes I know they are a bit "dry" but I need like 25 of these in the next couple of days.
from:
!There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But
if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?
How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?
You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form
by filling it out, and in which an
alarm clock goes off by going on.
People, not computers invented
English, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race
(which, of course, is not a race at
all).
That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !
Atta Boy Cleg! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.
Two guys were walking through the woods when they saw a grizzly bear running toward them. One guy tore off his hiking boots and quickly pulled on a pair of sneakers from his bag. His buddy looked surprised. "You don't really think that those will make you run faster than a grizzly bear, do you?" "I don't need to run faster than the bear," his friend replied. "I just need to run faster than you!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again.. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!
A former soldier was telling his drinking buddies about the first time he parachuted from a plane. "When it was time for me to jump, I got to the door and froze. My drill sergeant stood behind me and whispered in my ear, 'If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my ---- right up your ---!'" His buddies asked in anticipation, "So? Did you jump?" He replied, "Uh, yeah. A little at first!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
One more......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would
push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he
got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered "Yes father".
Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Bravo Jurak, the soldier one brought back memories <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> no I am NOT gonna explain that statement <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
A few one liners for you:
- What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Why are the Eskimos's penis 30 cm long and 1 cm diameter?
(Rub your hands together at your waist's height and say: "Brrrr! It's cold here!")
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A f sh.
- According to a recent survey, 3 people out of 4 does 75% of the population.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
[color:"pink"] According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. [/color]
Strange! first thing I notice is there begs erm Legs <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 real mean looking men sitting at a corner
table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks
him square in the eyes and says,... "Grandpa ... Go home, you're drunk"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
I don't want to die peacefully like my grandfather--while the passengers in his car were screaming.
[color:"pink"] According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. [/color]
Strange! first thing I notice is there begs erm Legs <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
And, do you happen to walk into a bra too sometimes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
[color:"pink"] And, do you happen to walk into a bra too sometimes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> [/color]
yup grenally nose frist <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
he-he guffaw guffaw.....snicker snicker <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> me!
[color:"pink"] And, do you happen to walk into a bra too sometimes? [/color] <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
yup grenally nose frist <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Take me home, country road, to a place, I belong... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Mother Goose for today's kids
Mother McGee went to drive C:
to find her poor Windows a byte
But when she inquired, all drive space expired
And not even Stacker would put it right.
Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
and explained how the function keys worked.
Jack and Jill are married still
but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she's fond of a Mac
and RISC makes both of them wary.
Mary had a little Lan
Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
Then part interest in a computer store.
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.
Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
I swear I posted these yesterday, but whatever............ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.
"You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,
"and every time I try to flush, something comes up
and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
ouch! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Ouch! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> Haha, very good one Jurak!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
You stupid, very fat woman!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Glad to have you back here Jurak, your jokes are without a doubt, the best I've ever heard. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />
Gal I agree 1000000% this forum would not be the same without ppl like Jurak, and I wouldn't be surprised I Jurak turned up in 1 of the upcoming DD Games!'
*Grins* Imagines a scene of a huge Orc sitting in a Bath tub telling Jokes in the backroom of a pub/tavern <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
A former soldier was telling his drinking buddies about the first time he parachuted from a plane. "When it was time for me to jump, I got to the door and froze. My drill sergeant stood behind me and whispered in my ear, 'If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my ---- right up your ---!'" His buddies asked in anticipation, "So? Did you jump?" He replied, "Uh, yeah. A little at first!"
Bravo Jurak, the soldier one brought back memories <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> no I am NOT gonna explain that statement <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Oh come on, since you said this right after that particular joke from Jurak, you HAVE to explain what memories <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> . Btw, I was in the army too, but I never had to jump <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Those are great, Jurak! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> (So that's what I have to look forward to...)
Little Joe was bored and was staring out of the class window for several weeks now.
His teacher got it on her nerves and asks him: "Do you have a problem, Little Joe?"
Little Joe answers: " I'm way to smart for the first grade, my sister is in 3th grade and I still know more then she does. So I should be in 3th grade too."
The teacher finds it a difficult matter and decides to talk to the principal about it. While Little Joe is playing outside, the teacher explains the problem to the principal.
"When he gets back in, I will test the boy personally." replied the principal "But when he can't answer all the questions, he has to stay in the 1st grade"
The teacher agrees and let the boy back in the office.
The principal asks: "How much is 3 x 3 ?"
Little Joe:"9"
Principal: "How much is 6 x 6 ?"
Little Joe: "36"
Later, when Little Joe has answered all the questions correct, the principal agrees to send him to the 3th grade.
"Wait!" said the teacher "Let me ask him some more questions."
Principal: "Ok, go ahead"
Teacher: "Of what has a cow 4 and I have only 2?"
Little Joe: "Legs"
Teacher: "What do you have in your pants, and I don't?"
Little Joe: "Pockets"
Teacher: "Wat starts with a 'V' ends with an 'A', is ovale, hairy and tasty?"
Little Joe: "A coconut"
The principals mouth falls open of astonishment.
The teacher continues with: "What goes in, very hard and stiff, and comes out soft and mellow?"
Little Joe: "Chewing gum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and dog on 3 legs?"
Little Joe: "Shaking hands"
Teacher: Give me a word that starts with a 'F' and ends with a 'K'"
Little Joe: "Firetruck"
The principals took a deep breath and sighs. "Let him go straight to the fifth grade, because those last 6 questions, I got them all wrong!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
13. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
14. I went to a seafood disco last week... and
pulled a mussel.
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I do not get this one.......
16. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I do not get this one.......
@ Jurak
What do you call a fish with no I's? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
(ok, I'm starting to act like Mea would <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Very funny Jurak, keep them comin' <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
[color:"pink"] (ok, I'm starting to act like Mea would <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> [/color]
"Aha. Pinky, I think my scheme to take over the world is beginning!"
2 ducks are flying in the skies
1 duck says "watch out a wall"
the other says Quack!
If a hedgehog and snake mate you get? Barbwire!
If a pig and chicken mate you get? Breakfast
Why do women get meno paus?
To save blood for their varices
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
[color:"pink"] (ok, I'm starting to act like Mea would [/color] <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
"Aha. Pinky, I think my scheme to take over the world is beginning!"
NOOO, not the pink!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I hate pink!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
not me.............. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
not me.............. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Imagine, Jurak the orc chief, with a pink tutu <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I was thinking more of a pink.........yooooo-hoooooo!
or, foo-foo, or, well you get the picture........ don't you .......who.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
K, nuff of that........ time for the next round of jokes........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank [nocando] for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little [nocando] was going to bark!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."
The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the [nocando]. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me
explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked
receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
GOOD GENES OR BAD GENES?
A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II drivers exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape.I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane! He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
@ Jurak
Those jokes were oh soo bad, but oh soo funny!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
nvm Jurak they are like a tonic to an old man like me, I can honestly say that I look forward to this topic and usually with my fingers crossed hoping there's 1 from you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Many thanks my Green Giant Friend <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
1st Member of the GGF fanclub <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Wisdom speaks Volumes, thanks Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
1st Member of the GGF fanclub <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
With Jurak as president, can I join too? I'll be the first Elf to join the GGF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I hope I'll manage between those two goodlooking guys Jurak and Mea, rrrraawww habba habba drool... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A co-worker got his pen stuck inside the printer just before we had to go to
a meeting. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him: "We don't
have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to
use it and then report it to the Help Desk." So he grabbed a piece of paper
and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. Later, one of my
techs comes in laughing and says saw a piece of paper on a printer and went
to investigate. Attached is what he found.
(Sometimes things don't always
come out the way you want them to.)
... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/Penisstuck.jpg)
lol! i actually only saw him after i had read your story, therefore i only saw "penis stuck"
great man <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
[color:"pink"] With Jurak as president, can I join too? I'll be the first Elf to join the GGF [/color]
Hmm .. I have to sorry since Mea is Elven <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I think the reward for the best joke untill now should go to faile with the elephant joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ...
[quote] Elephent joke is the best! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> At leaste I can Laugh
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What is the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me **Capitalism**. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we will call her the **Government**. We take care of your needs, so we will call you **The People**. We'll call the maid **The Working Class**, and your baby brother we can call him **The Future**. Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally inheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father, "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
Father: "Good Son! can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound sleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of [nocando] in his diaper."
Trying to find out what our new member is talking about I found this old joke, delivered by Failie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Found it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />! And they made me laugh too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />! Allso Failie btw...
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants aren’t
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.
Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.
Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.
What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.
How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.
What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.
Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks
How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.
How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.
How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?
What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.
Übereil
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
One more along the same lines.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
YES we are all getting older. ENJOY
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
1st member of the GGF Fanclub
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden...
@ Mea
I wonder who send you that email Mea, since I've seen that one before <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Allthough, it's a good one. Ok, if you are the first elf, can I still join? I'll be the first elven lady then <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Jurak
Keep them comin' boy!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
@ Mea
You devil you!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />
there was a magic mirror, he hated lies.
if someone said a lie he let the person disapear.
a brunette passed the mirror while saying: "i think im the most beautifull woman on earth" and poof, she dissapeard!
a black-haired woman passed while saying:" i think im the richest woman on earth" and poof she dissapeard!
a blond passed while saying: " i think" and poof she dissapeared!
a blond passed while saying: " i think" and poof she dissapeared!
I think... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> hey, I'm still here, that magic mirror doesn't work that well <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
It's because it's not proofed against black hair camouflages yet <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Eeeeugggh!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/obscene/eck09.gif)
Übereil
aaah ClassicJurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
1st Member of the GGF fanclub
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...
"Tankety Tank Tank."
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the [nocando] pots!"
Top bumper stickers seen around the world
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
Boldly Going Nowhere
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Birds Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
Grow your own dope --- Plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb 'blonde' joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professionalwrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> good one, Lynn <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
The others are good too, now back to work.
Yeah, good one Lynn <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />! Now: GET BACK TO WORK!!!
Übereil
Üb, my comment doesn't mean that Lynn should go back to work ! No, i shouldn't read the forum at my work !
Is that some kind of joke!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
here's proof of the effects of Global Warming......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/proof.jpg)
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
To be honest, I didn't read the part where you said 'now back to work' <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. And if Lynn wasn't doing that when she should be working, she quit her job kinda early <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />... OR the first thing she did when she came home was to go straigt to the comp and write it (aaw, that's so cute <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />)...
Übereil
Mmm <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
but what if moderating the forum IS your work?
can you then get back to work, or are you still working?
Mental Asylum Admissions Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a room with or without a view?"
@ Jurak
You beat everyone with your jokes!! They are the best I've ever read <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Two friends were signed out from a mental institution. They agreed to share an appertment. After a few weeks, one of the guys came back and wanted to talk to his doctor.
"Doctor, I think my friend is going nuts again."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because he thinks he is a lamp"
"Oh, you better bring him back to the asylum immediatly!"
"No way," said the man " how can I read my book if I haven't got a light anymore?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
The second sign of mental illness is hair growing on your palm.
The first sign is looking for it.
3 patients are about to be released from a mental asylum, but as a final test the director ask them each at the time in his office, all three are waiting outside his office when he calls the first one in.
"I need you to jump trough that doors key-hole" commands the director. So the first one starts running and slams into the door. The director tells him hes not ready to be released yet. When he leaves the office the other 2 ask "and?" but the first one shakes his head "I'm not released".
The second goes in and is commanded the same, he studies the door first, counts his steps runs and jumps head first into the door. He also goes outside shaking his head, "me neither <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />"
Now the third one, goes inside and very little later comes outside smiling, "I'm out of here!!!" , But the other two ask "HOW???". "Well," said the third "You can't jump through that key-hole, I told him".
"But why not?" asked the other 2 puzzled, where the third replies "It's quite obvious why... the key was still on it".
A man in Sydney calls his son in Perth and says, "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer." the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you please call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce!" she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Sydney immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.
The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."
thats a realy good one lynn!
Excellent Lynn, specially taking the trip distance in consideration <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I still remember when I first came to Australia some 30 years ago, at first I lived with my Uncle and Aunt here in WA, eventually they moved to Melbourne, (some 2000 odd Clicks)
when I wrote my Mom about that, she replied in her next letter, "please make sure you visit your Aunt & Uncle every weekend or so!!" I swear I fell outta my chair laughing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now
almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again
last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
BAPTIST COWGIRL
A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains.
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my sisters, though." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his tra in. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen."
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.His only
son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament :
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES! Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie God Bless
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
K that's enough......... two more "quickies" and I'll be off like a herd of turtles.......
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
O.K. then........... three.........
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Ah cha, cha....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There was a couple who was about to get married...
Hillarious <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />!!!
Übereil
I like that! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
@ Jurak
I liked them all!!
Had a lot of work telling them to hubby (he was curious why I was laughing soo hard about <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> )
Guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
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My sister has a life saving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . ..
My sister ALSO votes!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO votes!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . .
SHE ALSO votes!
Woo-Hoo!!......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!
That reminds me... hubby bought an electric tool that was labeled to cost 161€, but since it was a promotion it got down to 89€. There were also two sawblades in the package, promotionwise <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
But when we came out of the store, we noticed that our bill wasn't that high as it should have been. Of course not, the cashier only marked the price of the two additional sawblades but not for the tool itself!! We paid 11 € for that tool, not to shabby for us <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
p.s. She was blonde... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
aah Jurak you made this old guy smile .... a lot ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
1st member of the GGF Fanclub
If you make a fire for a man you can keep him warm for a night.
If you set a man on fire you can keep him warm for the rest of his life.
ahh too true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
If you make a fire for a man you can keep him warm for a night.
If you set a man on fire you can keep him warm for the rest of his life.
@ Cleglaw
Are you short on something? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
There is also another saying: "If you set an old barn on fire, it's not easy to put it out" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
That reminds me... hubby bought an electric tool that was labeled to cost 161€...
Reminds me of one of my Dad's stories. He was out in some backward end of Australia and went to the local pub. He couldn't believe it when he saw the bartender was a (blonde) girl the went to school with. The two of them started chatting and caught up on all the old times. After some time, she asked him what he'd like to drink. "Scotch and water, please."
Slightly confused, she replied "Oh, no-one's ordered that before. I'll just look up the price."
After reading the price sheet for a moment, she said "That will be $5" and handed him a bottle of scotch, a jug of water and a glass.
He was set for the night! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
hmm you did say Blonde did you not ?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
where's that bar? I wouldn't mind a bottle Famous Grouse or Four Roses for 5$
nvm where's the bar. Where's Jurak? I mean he can't still be in the tub? hmm well we have to persevere without him .....but not for too long I hope !
How to die slowly? Health.
stand to close to a low level monster whilst beeing AFK
DOnt worry if you're a Kleptomaniac.....
You can always take something for it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LOL clever that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> L_R <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
btw what's a Gansters Paradise ??
Facts about Chuck Norris:
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a waitress because his steak didn't have a beard.
Chuck Norris framed OJ.
Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest substance known to man, followed closely by Chuck Norris' flexed biceps.
Chuck Norris once scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was just wearing his 7-foot-tall black man outfit that he calls "Wilt Chamberlain".
They say Jesus was conceived immaculately because there are no words beautiful enough to describe Chuck Norris having sex.
A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital. The knife bled to death.
Chuck Norris once made the greatest movie of all time. Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel, angry at Norris for being so much more awesome than himself, gave it thumbs down. He soon after died of a roundhouse-kick related heart attack. Ebert remains alive, and "Sidekicks" remains the single greatest achievement in cinematic history.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
In the year 2010, Chuck Norris' beard will be declared the 51st state.
Chuck Norris must've been a pretty strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.
Chuck Norris can kill you just by thinking about you. When people die suddenly in their sleep, the medical term is "DBN" (Death By Norris).
Chuck Norris killed a man, used his powers to bring him back to life, and killed him again. Now thats justice.
On August 17, 1993, Nolan Ryan introduced himself to Chuck Norris as "Ryan: Texas Ranger". On August 17, 2008, Nolan Ryan will die. If Chuck Norris respects you, he'll give you fifteen more years.
Chuck Norris created six extra letters of the alphabet that no one but Chuck Norris know about
Chuck Norris has never found Waldo, but vows to kick his [nocando] when he does.
Chuck Norris ended the Civil War with a massive roundhouse kick the he referred to as the Emancipation Proclamation.
Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.
Chuck Norris loves cute little puppies. He especially loves them on rye with some pepper jack and a dash of paprika.
Chuck Norris invented the atmosphere for the sole purpose of having something to roundhouse kick people out of.
Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".
Tornados are not caused by sudden changes in weather, but rather, a sudden roundhouse by Chuck Norris.
By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.
If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "Don't come near me mother fucker or I'll roundhouse kick the [nocando] out of you." The phrase has since been changed to, "Don't mess with Texas."
The role of Willy Wonka in the remake of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' was originally offered to Chuck Norris. However, he backed out of the project after the producers rejected his idea of a final fight scene with Charlie in which most of the cast dies.
Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.
Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer by kicking the air.
Chuck Norris' left testicle was declared The Milky Way's tenth planet in 1978. His right testicle remains the Duke of The Thirteenth Republic of South Greenwich.
The sound of Chuck Norris scratching his beard makes angels weep.
Chuck Norris once fed a starving Ethiopian boy a 12 course meal, then promptly sacrificed the boy to Satan in an effort to boost the ratings of Walker Texas Ranger.
Jesus Christ is Chuck Norris' stunt double.
The commercial says that after taking Viagra, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, you should see a doctor. Chuck Norris was too embarassed to go to the doctor, so he instead roundhouse kicked his own penis off and it became what is now known as Pikes Peak.
As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe.
Chuck Norris is known to have ate a puppy just because he didn't have anything else around to chase his hard liquor.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
Christopher Walken kept a watch up his [nocando] for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his [nocando] for 12.
There are two kinds of men in the world: Men who have had sex with Chuck Norris and men who want to have sex with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was taking and evening stroll in a local neighborhood when a mountain spring water truck slammed in to a retarded child playing in the street. Chuck Norris rushed to the scene, destroyed the driver, and resurrected the child making him normal again. This event is celebrated as a show on TV called Captian Planet.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your [nocando], don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris blew up the Challenger space shuttle. When asked why he said, "I've never left a challenger alive."
Chuck Norris is how the West was won.
Chuck has 5 letters. Norris has 6. When placed together we get 56. 1956 was the year of the first airborn nuclear test. Coincidence? I think not.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
To attain inner peace, VChukc Norris eats Buddhists
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norrisl can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while [nocando] another.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the look are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.</span>
Übereil
Edit: Just realized spoilertag might be smart. Don't read this if you're under 45 years of age (you don't want to find out what happens if you aren't. Trust me.).
Who is Chuck Norris?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure
out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well
needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt, that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of
the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up,
over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake the dirt off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it
off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to being happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the sh1t out of the
farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your [nocando],
it always comes back, to bite you.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
another goody....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,'Oh,oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.] "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.] And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
One more........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front
of you
and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,
I'm
coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.
Oooh! You ment CHUCK Norris, that explains a lot <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
No I meant the pope, that's why I said Chuck Norris. Duh.
Übereil
is the pope's name "chuck" as well??......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
What a co-inkydink.........Who'd a thunk....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
is the pope's name "chuck" as well??......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I don't know about that, but my friend Up's last name is Chuck.
And if we smile at those jokes is that Chuckle Norris?
*Post deleted by Übereil.*
Übereil (it has to be there, it has to!)
is the pope's name "chuck" as well??......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I don't know about that, but my friend Up's last name is Chuck.
And if we smile at those jokes is that Chuckle Norris?
Does that mean your friend Up is actually called Up Chuck? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Poor guy, he shouldn't be charged if he wants to change his name...
If we laugh at his jokes it will be more like Chuckle Up Norris <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://campus.umr.edu/phyfac/map/images/smallbuilding/sm-roundhouse.jpg)
Would Chuck Norris get a kick out of this?
Only and believe me only when he's inside <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I remember "Chuck, the Plant" from early LucasArts adventures. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
By the way :
Mensa Invitational 2005
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from the real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period..
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @sshole.
Thanks Al that brought back mamories (n.) the act of remembering what they where like when you where a baby <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it cause he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool????"... Is this 486-5731 ?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Say it with feeling: ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time.
Your mother can explain THAT to you. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish . each person is only allowed
one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming.
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb [nocando] horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that
will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously
rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man
said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A
police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my a$$." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Well, Jurak, you did it once again!! You made me laugh untill I almost peed my pants <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Aaaah! if it wasn't for our resident MC (Master of Ceremonies) this forum would be great but with Jurak well it is just plain Excellent <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Thanks my friend <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
SNIFFER DOG
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
great jokes dude they rule!!!!!!
I made this one up on my own. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Actually, I'm making it up right now. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A man walks into a cornerstore with a gun. There are a few customers inside.
"Everyone get down! This is a stickup!"
Everyone gets to the ground.
"You", says the robber pointing at the store owner. "Empty your register into this bag." The robber turns to the others. "And if anyone tries to pull anything, I will shoot you, I promise.
Upon hearing this, one customer suddenly jumped up and tackled the robber to the ground, knocking him unconcious. Everyone cheered for the hero, but he just said.
"Wow, what a loser. He didn't keep his promise... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> ."
Some may think the joke is crude, but it came to mind and I had to write it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
'Ats da way it is! Inspiration must be let loose!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Killerzzz
hmm ...well I guess even Dave Allen had to start somehow ...somewhere, so continue with making jokes and eventually they will be better yet <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Whatever happened to Dave Allen at large....
.... funny little nine-fingered guy he was.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
[color:"pink"] Whatever happened to Dave Allen at large [/color]
hmm IIRC he is pushing up Daisie's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
So he's up there with Benny Hill at least.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Reasons you should have someone else look at your company name before you shell out for a domain name...
1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
Nice ones HeF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants
and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@ Jurak
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new 500 SL MBZ."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . . silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer care department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee (now I know why they record these conversations):
*************************************************************
Employee "Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"
Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Employee "What sort of trouble?"
Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Employee "Went away?"
Customer "They disappeared."
Employee "Hmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer "Nothing."
Employee "Nothing?"
Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Employee "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer "How do I tell?"
Employee "Can you see the 'C': prompt on the screen?"
Customer "What is a sea prompt?"
Employee "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Customer "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Employee "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer "What's a monitor?"
Employee "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer "I don't know."
Employee "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer "Yes, I think so."
Employee "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
Customer "Yes, it is."
Employee "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it or just one?"
Customer "No."
Employee "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer "Okay, here it is."
Employee "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer "I can't reach."
Employee "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer "No."
Employee "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's
because it's dark."
Employee "Dark?"
Customer "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Employee "Well, turn on the office light, then."
Customer "I can't."
Employee "No? Why not?"
Customer "Because there's a power failure."
Employee "A power.......a power failure? ... Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Employee "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer "Really? Is it that bad?"
Employee "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Employee "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
For the little cynic in all of us.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>You have two choices in life:
>>> >>You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you
>>> >>were
>>> >>dead.
>>> >>
>>> >>At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
>>> >>your
>>> >>wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
>>> >>"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
>>> >>
>>> >>A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
>>> >>"Husband Wanted".
>>> >>Next day she received a hundred letters.
>>> >>They all said the same thing:
>>> >>"You can have mine."
>>> >>
>>> >>When a woman steals your husband, there is no
>>>better revenge than
>>> >>to let
>>> >>her keep him.
>>> >>
>>> >>A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
>>> >>
>>> >> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
>>> >>get
>>> >>married?"
>>> >>Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>>> >>
>>> >>A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
>>> >>man
>>> >>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
>>> >>Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
>>> >>
>>> >>Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
>>> >>was
>>> >>until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
>>> >>
>>> >>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
>>> >>
>>> >>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
>>>every
>>> >>word
>>> >>you say -- talk in your sleep.
>>> >>
>>> >>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
>>> >>thinking
>>> >>they had no faults at all.
>>> >>
>>> >>First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
>>> >>Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>>> >>
>>> >>A Woman's Prayer:
>>> >>"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and
>>> >>to
>>> >>forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I
>>> >>pray for
>>> >>Strength I'll just beat him to death "
>>> >>
>>> >>AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
>>> >>
>>> >>Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
>>> >>children. A
>>> >>blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
>>> >>they find
>>> >>it
>>>overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
>>> >>onto the
>>> >>bus.
>>> >>
>>> >>So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
>>> >>the
>>> >>husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
>>> >>as he
>>> >>taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
>>> >>piece of
>>> >>rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
>>> >>crazy."
>>> >>
>>> >>The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
>>> >>YOUR
>>> >>stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<pisses self laughing> That's the best one I've heard in a long time!
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and
most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat
on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and
dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can
just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh
air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk
and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the
door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and
shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can
make
it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying
a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you
know?"
"Mick phoned, . . .
You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also
had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to
throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear
guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this
pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished
his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was
one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered
him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side
unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well
I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter
or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want
your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who
pushed me in that WATER!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Sesame Street Bus.... heard this one a few years ago. Still my favorite clean joke.....
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."
Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Once again many many thanks, for these wonderful Jokes.
Thanks Jurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
No words to describe this feeling!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
no sweat my man... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> ....at least somebody enjoys them..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
besides me that is..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
Did you hear about the miracle of the blind carpenter?
He picked up a hammer and saw.
Don't leave alphabet soup unattended on the stove.
It might spell disaster.
Soldiers take a rest on April 1st after a long March.
hahahahahahaahahaha....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
had to read that twice.....
nice Cleg..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Chris Rock's Quote of the Year
"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the
NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S.
of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
Need I say more?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Horny Husband
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom.
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to
make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this
happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and
I wasn't about to start now!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.'
I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.'
He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
Oh well done both of you, and some unecpected hilarity from Cleg Thanks guy's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
Here in Texas the Native Americans frequently influence the weather which is why we often have Apache fog.
Of course the most incredible fog is in Italy when you can find a bigamist.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on
the other.
The following is an actual question given on University of Liverpool chemistry finals. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, ! no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh God! Oh my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
*said very tongue in the cheek* (titc) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Those were just brilliant <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt and cross the road again?
He was a dirty double crosser.
Why did the armadillo cross the road?
He never made it across the road.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who told her she could leave the kitchen?
@ Mea and Cleglaw
you men may have won the battle, but not the war! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Why do men like BMW?
They can spell it.
I knew a man who didn't talk to his wife for 15 years.
He didn't want to interrupt her.
During a vicious hail storm a Blonde had her BMW damaged full of dents like a ton of golf balls hit the thing ..... so she brought it to a panel shop to get fixed, but due to the hail storm the panel shop had more business than it could handle, but the kindly panel beater told the blonde to take the car home and in the morning go to the back of the car, blow into the exhaust pipe and all the dents would pop out!
Next morning the Blonde does just that, while bent over the exhaust pipe blowing, her Blonde Girlfriend drives up, says what are you doing? after a lengthy explanation (read above if you are blonde) the Blonde Girl Friend starts to laugh and says you are so gullible , that will never work!!!
The first Blonde wants to know why it don't work, so the Blonde Girlfriend explains : you are so silly, don't you know you have to roll up the windows first!!!!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Don't play chess with Eastern European women.
There is danger of a Czech mate.
Most remember from their school days of having to read and then submit a book report on what they had read... I wonder what kind of reception this would have received during your time in school?
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-*ss student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullsh* t artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of sea men.
Clinton:..... Monica...oh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out witha load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and 10 hens he kept
in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night,the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village, so he started
to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no!" he exclaimed. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood up! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Aaah! classic Jurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Soo good!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known
as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so
he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
She used to be a nun, but was expelled because of dirty habits.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill
These jokes arrived nun too soon.
Jesus was on the cross...and he calls to Peter and Peter tries to approach, though the roman guards prevent him with violence they blacken his eye and scuff him up. Jesus again calls him .... and Peter cries "I'm coming lord" and throws himself at the guards who beat him roughly and break his arm
at which point he whimpers off. Again Jesus calls to Peter....Peter yells to Christ "i am coming!" and he throws himself at the guards again
putting up a vicious struggle but not laying a hand of violence on the guards
finally they consent to let him pass. Peter.. his arm broken.... badly bruised and slashed makes it before Jesus and kneels and says "i am here father what is it that you want of me?"
Peter, i can see your house from here!!
Soo cruel and yet soo funny!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Mr. Goldstein runs a factory which produces NAILS. He is getting on in years, and decides that he wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few months--will you look after the factory for me?"
"Not a problem," says Moishe.
Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory.
"Well," says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?"
Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and he opens up the books for his father. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales.
Mr. Goldstein is absolutely overjoyed and asks his son, "How did you achieve this result?"
Moishe answers that it was just too easy. He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Jesus on the cross, and underneath is written in big letters, WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.
Well, the father is horrified-- "How could you do this to me?! You know that I am president of the local U.J.A., I sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is president of her Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again!"
Moishe apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.
A year later, Goldstein has the urge again to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. "Not a problem," says Moishe. Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they return home, Mr. Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and Moishe again brings out the books to show his dad the figures. Guess what--again he has tripled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.
"Moishe, the last time you tripled the figures, but this time again you tripled THOSE figures. Tell me, how did you achieve such a result?"
"Dead easy," replies Moishe. He goes to the drawer, and brings out a poster of Jesus lying on the ground. And below, in big lettering is printed, WE DID NOT USE GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.
credit to James Ertner for these
What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club?
Lots of blind dates.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge?
A shock absorber.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie.
What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine?
A tunnel that leaks.
John invited his Mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his Mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate
Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate.
Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there
was more between John and the roommate than
meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I can't find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
your Mom took it, do you?" and John said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
John wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the
gravy ladle from my house and
I'm not saying you did not take the gravy
ladle but the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner. Love, John."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother.
John's Mother wrote:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Julie but the
fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now, Love Mom."
Good stuff, Spickey me Bro <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Couple of crackers in there mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
My wife left me...
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a
top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big
airline,then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and
expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride
we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited. ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
You are without a doubt, the only guy that has the absolute right to survive after a nucleair disaster, a tsunami and an earthquake all together. If you would ever die, laughter would die with you! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for making me and hubby laugh tonight!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
Yay Gal, that's telling him <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Brother Jurak you are without a doubt "Irreplaceable on this forum and that's a fact <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Yay Gal, that's telling him <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Brother Jurak you are without a doubt "Irreplaceable on this forum and that's a fact <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
And we are not sucking up to you! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Well you ARE married after all <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Well you ARE married after all <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Must you remind me of that fact again? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> thanks guys! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
The Tax Inspector
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles.What do you do
with the candle drippings?"
Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up
and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles."
Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable
question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."
I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how
he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he
went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?"
Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete dick."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, it would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Hillary beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others
likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
"The breakfast was my idea," she added. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" />
A guy walks up to a bar and there's a horse in front of it.
So he enters the bar to ask the bartender why the hell there's a horse in front of his bar.
On wich the bartender replies, "it's this contest, the first who makes the horse luagh gets €250"
Our guy goes to that horse and whispers something in its ear, on wich the horse starts rolling on the floor luaghing out loud.
250 euros richer our guy goes back home.
A week later, our guy goes to that same bar, and the same horse is still in front of it.
He asks the bartender, why is the horse still in front of your bar? I tought i won???
The bartender replied, it's this new game, the first to get the horse to cry gets 250 euros.
Again the man goes to the horse, and guess what, the horse starts crying out loud.
Baffled by this the bartender asks our guy, how he did it. Our guy explains:
The first time I told the horse, "mine is bigger than yours", and the second time I showed him!
I thank thee for making this old guys eyes water with mirth <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I thank thee for making this old guys eyes water with mirth <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Ditto! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> (not the 'old guys' part of course) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
(Trying... hard... to not... piss... self... laughing... while boss... is on... the phone...) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors
THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT:
It never spoils.
CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They
are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St
Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question,
"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and
the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What
seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I
want to do it before Lorraine sticks her ar5e in it!!"
Too good spickey too good <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and says
I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a hunting event.
One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime duck sitting beside the water.
He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the duck fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into the duck."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
The following ditty which I learned as a child has been going around in my head. Unfortunately I do not know the name of the actual music the melody comes from; if anyone here knows it please post.
Hitler had only 1 left ball.
Goering had 2, but they were small
Himmler
had something similar.
And Goebbels
had no balls at all.
The music for that tune is "The River Qwuai March" from the move "The Bridge over the river Quai (names might not be EXACTLLY those, but they're very simillar).
Besides, I've allso have onle one LEFT ball <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
The music for that tune is "The River Qwuai March" from the move "The Bridge over the river Quai (names might not be EXACTLLY those, but they're very simillar).
Besides, I've allso have onle one LEFT ball <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
Thanks. Sorry to hear about your right side. I wonder how you knew the answer to my question; I guess this is a well known international song.
Thanks. Sorry to hear about your right side. I wonder how you knew the answer to my question; I guess this is a well known international song.
There's nothing wrong with his right ball.
Thanks. Sorry to hear about your right side. I wonder how you knew the answer to my question; I guess this is a well known international song.
There's nothing wrong with his right ball.
Eggsactlly <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
I think the song was originally invented by the Brittish during WW2. My father sings it occationally, that's why I knew it (slightlly different lyrics though <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />).
Übereil
Eggsactlly <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Eggs?
Ye, eggs. It's easterholiday now, you know <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />. (Not that I would have said anything else if it wasn't, I just find eggsactlly to sound funnier <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.)
Übereil
What is the very first time a kid fries eggs ?
An eggsperiment. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Heh funny that Cleg, I say nearly the same to my Staff
"Staff serving Staff defeats the purpose of having Staff"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
The following ditty which I learned as a child has been going around in my head. Unfortunately I do not know the name of the actual music the melody comes from; if anyone here knows it please post.
Hitler had only 1 left ball.
Goering had 2, but they were small
Himmler
had something similar.
And Goebbels
had no balls at all.
That tune is the infamous Colonel Bogey March>>>
http://www.mvdaily.com/articles/1999/04/bogey.htm
The following ditty which I learned as a child has been going around in my head. Unfortunately I do not know the name of the actual music the melody comes from; if anyone here knows it please post.
Hitler had only 1 left ball.
Goering had 2, but they were small
Himmler
had something similar.
And Goebbels
had no balls at all.
That tune is the infamous Colonel Bogey March>>>
http://www.mvdaily.com/articles/1999/04/bogey.htm That's it all right. Thanks Spick.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.
The ENGINEER is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The PHYSICIST is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd,
declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The MATHEMATICIAN is last. After giving the problem a little thought,
he puts a small fence around himself and then declares,
"I define myself to be on the outside!"
This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out
what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary, you'd think
nothing was wrong with it and in fact, nothing is wrong with it.
It IS unusual, why? Study it. Think about it and you may find
out. Try to do it without coaching. If you work at it for a bit,
it will dawn on you. So jump to it! Try your skill at figuring it
out! Good Luck - Don't blow your cool!
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>There is not one letter "E" in the whole paragraph! </span>
I spent an whole minute and didn't spot the answer!...had to check out your spoiler. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />
Bah!! I did that 1 one second Spike <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and
loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one
wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a
picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the
males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a
door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a
license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird
Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got
proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on,
ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again."
Just when you thought it was safe to stop laughing!
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going
back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says,
"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners nearthe gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag
like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you
shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f##cking fence
wasn't electrified."
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,
C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,
you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,
on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,
no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,
right now !
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Hung Chow calls in to work and says: "Hey, boss I no come work today, I weally sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work"
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do exactly what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon .....You got nice house!"
Boom! Boom!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
This one made i giggle a lot <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
.
A posh dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse" asks the owner.
"A female horth" replies the dwarf.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?"
The owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
The owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eerth?"
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but still he picks the dwarf up and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth" says the dwarf, "But do you think it pothible to thee her twot?"
With that the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a second or two before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf composes himself and says "Errm, perhapth I should wefwaze that.....can I thee her wun awound?"
"Recycled toilet paper or not? A family's bottom line."
"How To Move an Elephant"
by, Howie Turner
The famous law firm,
Dewey Cheatem and Howe
"The Yellow River"
by, I. P. Daly
"Do It Yourself Auto Repairs"
by, Immanuel Transmithson
Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?
------------------
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy so he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my coworkers came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The coworker started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
--------------------------------
Two young women were speeding down the highway at 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde passenger turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again: "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
-------------------------------------
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table; whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little [nocando]. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, and pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The last one is a doozy <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A guy was brought in front of a judge. "What's the charge?" the judge asked. "Stealing 23 bottles of beer, your honor", the prosecutor answered. "Case dismissed", replied the judge. "You can't make a case out of 23 bottles."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man opened a letter from his ex-wife; it appeared to contain a single line of
Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.
He was baffled, so showed it to a friend. His friend said, "You're holding the message upside down."
The old gent showered, shaved, sprinkled on a light dash of cologne, coiffed his few remaining hairs, put on a clean shirt, slacks, sports jacket and loafers. Then he strolled down to the neighborhood lounge. He hopped up on a bar stool beside a beautiful young woman and asked: "Tell me ... do I come here often?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Two older people go to their doctor and complain that they are having memory problems, he suggests that they just write everything down. So later that evening the man gets up to get a bowl of popcorn and he turns to his wife and says, '' do you want anything from the kitchen?'' she replies yes I would like a bowl of ice cream.'' He starts off and she says, '' and I want some cherries on it, you need to write this down.'' '' no I don't its just a few seconds.'' She thinks and says, '' well how about some nuts on it too, and now you will need to right this down,'' she pleads with him, but he is persistant, '' No, I can remember this, I am not that dern old.'' he storms into the kitchen and spends over half an hour working on her order. When he returns he is holding a bowl of popcorn and an entire breakfast, pancakes, sausage, and a glass of orange juice. He hands her the plate and she just sighs, '' What?'' He asks her, she just rolls her eyes and says '' You forgot the toast.''
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on, and covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the
backyard.They phoned the local cab company and requested
a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front
door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into
the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the
cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in
hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want
the driver to know the house will be empty for the night.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long, he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to
wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked. I hauled her fat [nocando] downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car .
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Magda, the church gossip, and self-appointed police of the parish's
moral integrity, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members disapproved of her extra-curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.
She blundered, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being a lowlife after she saw his old pickup parked in front of
the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George in the
presence of several others that whoever saw it there would know what he was
doing.
George, a man of few words, just looked at her for a moment,
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Magda's house...walked home....and left it there all night.
Two irish men find a mirror in the road.
1st one looks in it and says i know that face but i can't put a name to it.
2nd looks in it and says you f**king idiot ,it's me!.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side
of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey,
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the
seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown
bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,
"Good trade."
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F*cking shoes on."
A Guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this... how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the £20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"f*ckked if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Medical Dictionary.....
.
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
[color:"yellow"]
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
"Ees, a Ham Bush" [/color]
[color:"orange"] A little boy walks into his parents bedroom to see his mum bouncing up and down on top of his dad.
His mum quickly rolls off and covers herself up.
"What was you doing?" ask the little lad.
"Well your dad has a fat tummy so every now and again I have to try and flatten it". explains mum.
"Thats pointless" explains little Mr smart-[nocando]. "'cos when you go shopping the lady next door comes round and blows it back up again". [/color]
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Oopsie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
[color:"green"] Prince Charles and Camilla are going through a tough time in their marriage. Charles suggests a new sexual position, to bring some spark in to their sex-life.
"That's a great idea Charles," coos Camilla. "Let's try the Missionary position."
"The missionary position?" asks Charles. "What's that then?"
Camila replies: "I lay down here on my back, and you f*ck off to Africa" [/color]
How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> unfortunately it has a ring of truth about it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I know a German-language variant of that. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Always funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Light Bulbs R Us <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
you know today i slept like a log
when i woke up, i was in the fireplace
[color:"pink"] The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,um..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long." With that, Mrs. Smith
fainted..... [/color]
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" />
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 400 million people very happy." ......
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for
a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Best birth control ever:
1. Raising a teenager (what gives you the idea i just had a "maths homework" argument with mine again) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
2. The headache
Some people causes accidents.... most people are caused by accident.
Many thanks once more to my favorite comedian <take a bow Jurak!> and L_R erm that sounded too much like R_L <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
This routine placed 2nd in Punniest of Show competition at the 2001
Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships and is by Jim Ertner in
his first appearance at a Punoff. He returned in 2004 to win the
competition.
This is horse racing time of the year, especially with the triple
crown events -- one of which is actually running today. (In fact, I
put on this ponytail just to get in the spirit.) My mind wanders much
further back, though, to one of the world's most famous horse riders,
namely, Lady Godiva.
In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva didn't win, nor even place
-- but she sure did show.
That reminds me what happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw
she had no clothes on. It made him shy.
Or, as one non-shy horse said to another: "Your pace or mine?"
Or, as another horse said to yet another one: "I forgot your mane,
but your pace is familiar."
Let me now try to stirrup some interest in horse racing.
Did you hear about the superstitious jockey who always competed at
the same place? He had a one-track mind.
Then there was the horse that was all charged up -- because it ate
haywire.
That somehow reminds me of the tow truck at a racetrack. It was
trying to pull a fast one.
I would be remiss without saying something about gambling.
Did you hear about the gambler who crossed asparagus with
horseradish? He wanted some hot tips for the racetrack.
Another gambler was hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack.
He was hedging his bets.
I once read about a gambler who fed his hen some racing forms -- so
she'd lay odds for him.
Speaking of riding horses, the ancient Greek mythological god of
thunder, Thor, went for a ride on a horse. "I'm Thor!!" he thundered.
The horse answered, "No wonder you're Thor. You forgot the thaddle,
thilly."
Besides being silly, these puns can lead you to drink. In fact,
there's a new drink -- popular in Boston -- called the "Paul Revere
cocktail." Two drinks and you wake the neighbors and start horsing
around.
Finally (or as Lady Godiva said towards the end of her ride, "I'm
nearing my clothes"), I'm happy to report that horses are funny. Or,
as I always say: "Show me a herd of horses with a sense of humor, and
I'll show you a laughing stock."
And before making a laughing stock of myself, I'm going to stop
telling these tales of whoa.
Neigh -- no more. (By Jim Ertner)
PASKAKASA...What does it mean?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
My gastroenterologist says I need not be embarassed,
"TO AIR IS HUMAN."
FREUDIAN SLIPPERS
"NOW YOU CAN REALLY PUT YOUR FOOT IN IT!"
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if you don't have the time?
A French Man comes to Wyoming and gets hired on to work at a Sheep Ranch. After he'd worked there a few weeks it came time to castrate the rams. He noticed as the other hands were working that they would throw the "leftovers" in a bucket and every now and then one would reach in to the bucket, grab "one" and pop it into his mouth. After witnessing this several times, the Frenchman got up the nerve to ask one of the other hands if they were good. The other young man replied,"Oh yeah, and their even better when the boss' wife fries them. She calls 'em sheep fries."
The next morning the Frenchman didn't show up to work. When the other hands mentioned it to their boss' wife she said,"It was the strangest thing. This morning he came in and asked what was for dinner tonight. I told him French fries and he just took off running!"
@ Jurak I haven't the foggiest! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Cleg hey good one there Cleggy ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
* & wonders what Barta is having for dinner? *
btw where's our beloved President?? or our Greek Goddess for that matter ?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
FREUDIAN SLIPPERS
"NOW YOU CAN REALLY PUT YOUR FOOT IN IT!"
12 points! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home, I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed so distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today England lost, but at least I got laid.
Haha, she was right <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />!
Übereil
Ube's Diary Today Sweden lost to England and i had a Tommy Tank yet again!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Lost to england again? Wasn't it like 30 years or something since you last beat us?
Übereil
Lost to england again? Wasn't it like 30 years or something since you last beat us?
Übereil
Where did i say
again ?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> I said you had a Tommy tank again!!
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his
Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
Reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
........you're a vet
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Nice one Mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />. A bit on the same theme (originally a comic strip. Note that this isn't that politiclly correct, even though it's quite innocent (IMO)):
There was a pause in a teacher's meeting, and two guys where talking with eachother. The first guy said:
"You know, it's funney... When I was in high school I allways fell in love with my teachers. And now that I TEACH high school I fall in love with my students."
The other teacher sais:
"Yeah, I know the feeling, I fall in love with my students all the time."
The first one replies:
"Yeah, but... you teach kindergarden..."
Übereil
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The bird flew.
[color:"green"] PASKAKASA...What does it mean?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> [/color]
Irish Maths Test (Microsoft Word)
See if you can get the answers before you read on. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his
Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
Reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
........you're a vet!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Mea, look six posts up...
Übereil
it's like a deja vue over and over again.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> possibly oldtimers disease... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Old old are you calling me .....erm huh what oh yeah old No I am not I am only ... whats year are we in ..... hmm oh yeah right jokes <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
A 93 year old couple went to a divorce attorney after 70 years of marriage.
The husband explained, "We've always hated each other, but we wanted to wait until the children died."
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can
get a haircut?
" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About
2
hours." The guy left. !
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop
and
said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
said,
"About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long
he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."!
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill chocked up, tears in his eyes and said.......
"Your house."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Have you heard about the Divorced Barbie Doll?
It comes with all of Ken's things.
--------------------
Scientists have found a new cure for a perenial problem. They are inserting a music-playing microchip into breast enlargements. The perenial problem? Women complaining that men stare at their breasts and don't listen to them.
--------------------
There is a new Radio station in town. It's call sign is KPMS.
Yeah; It's format is 1 week of rag-time, and three weeks of the blues.
--------------------
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
--------------------
One her husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
--------------------
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always
complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was
when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught
her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to
ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always
shook
his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was,
so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Alternate Version
Solution: Ipod breast implants.
Problem: Women complain that men stare at their breasts and don't listen
to them.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only i f you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victor ia's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what ! ! mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act
< BR>like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Have you heard about the Divorced Barbie Doll?
It comes with all of Ken's things.
small problem here *grins over the pun* according to Mattell Ken had no "things" as it made him Xrated <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
well i guess she lucked out on that one..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Here's a joke... look at my dog over there, wearing dandelions like a jewelled headdress... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<<<---------------------------------------
Nice dog Jurak .... but I think you give him too much "tonic"
But... it's not your dog, there's no paw in the mouth... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Or he traded the paw for the dandelions? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Lafille you are too much <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Little Johnny and his stern father are out at the park when suddenly a honeybee settle on a rock in front of them. Just for spite, little Johnny smashed it with a rock. At which point his father said, “That was cruel, and for being cruel you’ll get no honey for a whole year.” Later, Little Johnny deliberately stepped on a butterfly. “And for that, young man,” said the father, “you will not get any butter for a year.”
When they returned home, Johnny’s mother was busy fixing supper. Just as they entered the kitchen, she spied a cockroach and immediately crushed it underfoot. Little Johnny looked a his father and said, “Shall I tell her, Dad, or will you?”
*For the None knowing "New Zealanders (Kiwi's) tend to speak a real strange form of English, for instance when they are not feeling well they I feel Seck!
A Kiwi, was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for which he had tickets.
He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he
had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly,he refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia, and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to
take my test tickets off me!"
don't miss the handy hint at the very end.
Some bloke bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it" For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next
day someone stole it.
Caution, they walk among us
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a
Day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Central Time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern" . .
They walk among us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch
in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She
drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving". They walk among us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot. They walk among
us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They walk among us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They walk among us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"... They walk among us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.
Yep, they walk among us! too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so, if unexpected
guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
Good ones Mea, makes me forget my misery for a while! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
Dearest Gal, never be Miserable! there are always worse things that could "HAVE" happened so count your fortune and say "what the H*ll" tomorrow is another
better day <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />
Dearest Gal, never be Miserable! there are always worse things that could "HAVE" happened so count your fortune and say "what the H*ll" tomorrow is another
better day <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />
You are very right! (damn, I hate that guy, he's always right!) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Kiss back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
Another joke??
[color:"orange"] A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little [nocando] on your knee!"
[/color]
Enjoy <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Too good Gal, specially the first one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
[color:"red"]This man would be only 59 years old [/color]
We have a totally different text, but with the same meaning circulating in Germany.
In a way, it's kind of sad, how complex the world has become.
I am 57, born in '48. I will be 58 later this year. Some of this is misleading and even untrue.
TV was widespread in the mid 50s, but had actually been around since the 30s I believe.
penicillin was used in WWII.
While polio shots were not in existence before I was born, as a child I was vaccinated against polio.
We never bought frozen food, but I remember it being around. A look at
Birdseye confirms it has been around for awhile.
There are more examples, but I am getting tired of pointing them out.
However, I remember
slide rules
vinyl records
using a monstrous machine larger than a typewriter to calculate standard deviations
There
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
[color:"red"]This man would be only 59 years old [/color]
LOL Cleg and here I thought I was old :P however it doesn't really matter if it is true or not it is the entertaintment value <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
*******************************************************************************
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
LOL Cleg and here I thought I was old :P however it doesn't really matter if it is true or not it is the entertaintment value <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
*******************************************************************************
To me it kills the entertainment value. Suppose I made a joke about Belgium that hinged on them having invented pizza (instead of "French fries") Some might believe it and laugh, but to anyone who knew anything about pizza, it would make the joke nonsensical. It gives a false impression. Alrik appeared to but it for instance. Then people will begin quoting it as though it were true.
Well, to me, and to everyone I know, the text is both funny & sad at the same time. Bittersweet, so to say.
Funny, because nowadays we cannot believe things were so in the "old days", sad, because we realize how complex and sometimes dangerous the world has become.
I guess that for the younger generations it is simply funny, because they don't know it any different way than they actually do. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
The religious leaders bring a woman caught in adultery to Jesus. He begins to write on the ground and says "the one without sin cast the first stone". Just as he finishes his sentence, a rock comes hurling past his head and pummels the snot out of the poor woman. Quickly, he turns to see who did it, and then with exasperation, he says, "Mother, that's NOT the idea..."
A man rings the doorbell at the rectory of a Catholic church late on a Saturday afternoon. The pastor answers the door, and man asks, "Father, my dog just died, and I wondered if would you say say a few words over him before I bury him. He's been my best friend for a long time."
The priest shakes his head and says, "Son, we don't do things like that -- but there's a small Baptist church just down the road. Why don't you go there? If you offer the minister a contribution, he'll probably do it for you."
As he turns to go, the man stops and asks, "Do you think $250 would be enough?"
The priest quickly grabs his arm, saying, "Why didn't you tell me it's a Catholic dog?"
A man rings the doorbell at the rectory of a Catholic church late on a Saturday afternoon. The pastor answers the door, and man asks, "Father, my dog just died, and I wondered if would you say say a few words over him before I bury him. He's been my best friend for a long time."
The priest shakes his head and says, "Son, we don't do things like that -- but there's a small Baptist church just down the road. Why don't you go there? If you offer the minister a contribution, he'll probably do it for you."
As he turns to go, the man stops and asks, "Do you think $250 would be enough?"
The priest quickly grabs his arm, saying, "Why didn't you tell me it's a Catholic dog?"
Hehe, good one Cleg, shows again how hypocrite the catholic church is <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
[color:"orange"] TV was widespread in the mid 50s, but had actually been around since the 30s I believe.
penicillin was used in WWII.
While polio shots were not in existence before I was born, as a child I was vaccinated against polio.
We never bought frozen food, but I remember it being around. A look at Birdseye confirms it has been around for awhile.
There are more examples, but I am getting tired of pointing them out. [/color]
All true, however more so for the US - Europe was way behind, especially in TV being spread widely and in frozen food availability.
[color:"orange"]However, I remember
slide rules
vinyl records
using a monstrous machine larger than a typewriter to calculate standard deviations
[/color]
slide rules - yeah! An extinct art. When my daughter found mine, she was quite perplexed at what you can do with it (and 'unplugged'!) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Using... - a typewriter, come to that! Without correction Tape! When a CC still was a CARBON copy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />, when spellchecking still was a human's intellectual capability.
{I'm of good '56 vintage <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> }
hey everybody, good to be back.... here's a funny from a 58 vintage year old guy... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands onthe
sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the bestpiece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."
She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!"
I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:
When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
"The clerk looked at his picture closely.
"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
FIRST THINGS FIRST!!!!
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.....then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful.
I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me at Wal-Mart in Middle Island and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to Wal-Mart In Centereach. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the
way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, also yesterday and it will probably happen again tonight. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
did i already use this one........ ?? If not here you go.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
for all us *vintage* fellows......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Nudist Colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once
a month. I fart 15 times a day."
You missing a 710?,
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.
It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
![[Linked Image]](http://www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg)
one last thought...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
The happy man has
- an American salary;
- an English butler;
- a French cook;
- a German home;
- and a Japanese wife.
now, don't get confused, as you could wind up as a less happy man having
- a Japanese salary;
- a German butler;
- an English cook;
- a French home;
- and an <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
What's the difference between socialism and capitalism?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> capitalism makes social mistakes... </span>
Aah! Jurak my green giant friend we
have missed you, thanks for the good feelings <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
and Glance that thing about the perfect household, is very good also very true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Welcome back Jurak! It's good to see your fun face again!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging?Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well,"said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling,"said the bartender.
---------------------------------
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but don't try to start anything."
----------------------------------
A pirate comes walking into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down his pants.
Now the bartender had seen just about everything in his day, or so he thought, but this was new, so he couldn't resist,
"Excuse me mister pirate sir, why do you have a steering wheel stuffed down the front of your pants??"
To which he replied,
"ARRRGGGG! It's drivin' me nuts!!"
Aargh! with jokes like that where's our Tattoo carrying Pirate member, huh, haven't heard or seen her for what ages <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
anyways here's an oldie but a goodie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
These disturbingly funny conversations took place between air traffic controllers and pilots around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery. There is always room for well-placed humour and/or firmness in organizational communications, but when misplaced, effective inter-group working can be undermined, especially when a little misogyny, xenophobia or arrogance is thrown into the mix….
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
gotta go to work...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Snippet from alt.fan.pratchett : "Tales from the Daft Side" by Julian Hall :
Reminds me of a caller I once had. Couldn't get to a website.
I found out he had actually uninstalled our software because he
'downloaded the internet yesterday and don't need it anymore.'
Um. Yes. OK. Dried frog pill sir?
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
SNIPPED - long list of stuff
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
SNIP
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
This man would be only 59 years old
Entertaining perhaps, but nothing at all surprising on the list. But maybe that's because I actually am 59. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
As Cleglaw pointed out, quite a few things on the list are simply not true either. Remember that anybody who is now 59 had their teenage years and early twenties in the 1960s.
So all that stuff about not living with his wife before marriage, and the waffle about the terms grass, pot, coke and rock music is bunkum. And "draft dodging" was done by our age group (and younger) during the Vietnam war. I lived with my wife before we married, and in fact I can't think offhand of any contemporary friends who didn't. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
I used to be pretty impressed by a similar list for my own Grandmother though. She was born in the eighteen-hundreds and when she arrived there were no cars or airoplanes. Most journeys were done by foot or horse power. The house she was born in not only had no TV but it also had no telephone, radio or electricity either. And the majority of housing not only had no inside toilet but it had no bathroom either. Instead most people used a portable tin bath or a jug and basin set to wash.
Now that really WAS a different era. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
____________________________________________
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
____________________________________________
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage
and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> Have a nice Day! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
I went to the Doctors today,
He said I was a Hypochondriac,
I said "Oh No!...not that as well" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
aah once more the Jokesters to the rescue <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> thanks guys <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Don't read this if you are away from home. It's an inside joke.
Did you hear about the schizophrenic yogi?
He was at two with the universe.
Support Group for those who talk too much:
On and On and On Anon
Anon was the name of one of the pre-Genesis groups at Charterhouse school (says a fan <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> ).
Q: Why is it quicker to psychoanalise men than women?
A: because when it comes to the bit where you go back to your childhood - hey, we're already there...
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Good one HeF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Little john went to the store and noticed a Nintendo DS he wanted to buy but he had 15 dollars short.
So he headed home and ask his mum for 5 dollars, if you fix my kitchentool she answered. So John did fix it.
He moved on to his dad and asked for 5 dollars, and offcourse the dad to asked to fix something, this time the lawnmower. As he fixed that he went to ask his elder brother the same, who demanded John fixed his TV.
That evening the mother died of electrocution, the father died when his leg got cut off and the brother passed away when the TV exploded.
next morning the doorbell rang and when John opened the door there was a bear...
Can you guess what that bear said?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Nothing, bears don't talk.</span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/baeh.gif)
3 Engineers are debating about God. The 1st engineer says, "God must have been a mechanical engineer because of how the whole muscle/skeletal system is designed." The 2nd engineer says, "No, God must be an Electrical Engineer because of how the Central Nervous system is designed." The 3rd engineer says, "You're both wrong. God must have been a Civil Engineer...because only a Civil Engineer would run a sewer line through a recreational area."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two physicists were in a debate. As the debate raged, however, they came to realize that their competing theories were not actually incompatible. Having come to this conclusion, each stepped out from behind his lectern and strode towards the other, across the lecture hall. They reached out their hands to shake, and--ZAP--a small spark of static electricity jumped between their fingers.
"Well," one said to the other, "I'm glad we've finally found a common ground."
Good one Cleg <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
much appreciated by the engineering community. great one, Cleg! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
All of you bastards who want off, get the f**k off
now, cause we're in a hurry!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the
f*ck on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO
HOURS.
When you come out, you may play With your train, but
I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under Your seat. Remember, there is no smoking
on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
Journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child
added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen."
A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper
for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. A moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me
a horse's [nocando]?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's [nocando]."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back
to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas
drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Top job Spick & Cleg <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
From another forum :
Bad Analogies
An "analogy" is when you compare your subject to something else. A friend of mine who is a high school English teacher sent me these. They are supposedly actual examples, and some of them are hysterically funny.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 p.m.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fire fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was a lame duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Good one's there Alrik <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />...but what are those numbers in some of the lines??
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> nice, some of the analogies remind me of Blackadder <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
Good one's there Alrik <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />...but what are those numbers in some of the lines??
hmm Spick, offhand I would say that al copied it from a html site and due to the font settings, some characters like the "'" single quote, spaces or the apostrophe come out looking like something nasty <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> %^$#
Ooooh!....I thought it was Alrik being all clever and brainy like!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />
Good one's there Alrik <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />...but what are those numbers in some of the lines??
hmm Spick, offhand I would say that al copied it from a html site and due to the font settings, some characters like the "'" single quote, spaces or the apostrophe come out looking like something nasty <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> %^$#
I guess so. I plainly copied it from another forum.
I just looked : They are apostrophes (hope I spelled that correctly).
Spelled correctly <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Catholic School
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school.
She usually slept through her classes.
One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and
asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"
When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair
behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said,
"Very good." Soon Grace fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is
our Lord and Savior?" But Grace didn't even stir from her
slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and
stuck her with his pencil.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace.
"Very good" The Nun said.
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked Grace
a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and
she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies.
Bwahahahahahahahahaha... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Oh yeah, well done you guys <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A rich, greedy old man died one day and found himself standing at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came up before him and asked, "What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into Heaven?" The old man thought about this for a good long time--truly, he had lived a selfish and narcissistic existence--and after much pondering exclaimed that he once gave a couple of dimes to a poor bum on the street. Peter glared at the old man. "Well.. I'll have to ask God about this one". The old man anxiously waited and waited, until Saint Peter finally returned. "Well?" asked the man. Peter smiled. "God says to take your twenty cents and go to hell".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror. She says to her husband, "Honey, I'm old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment." "Well," he replies, "your eyesight is still good!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win.
The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ".
The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own that hard you can get out of any grip."
Ouch!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Job interview for three blondes
Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be a cop, eh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His folder says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> apologies to all Blonde Haired ppl here, no harm or insult was intended <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
London
4th October 2006
A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met. Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
LOL good one Spick <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
hmm .. a man walked in to a bar ...
it hurt !!!!
*hides under pc desk*
A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says, I'm sorry. We don't serve food here.
-------------------
A battery cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but don't try to start anything."
-------------------
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
--------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me please and one for the road."
-------------
A font walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Get out of here - we don't serve your type."
Message from Mr. Blair
"We British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombing
and threats to destroy aircraft and therefore have raised our security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. I understand that security levels may be raised
yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A
Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been officially re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance". (The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666)."
Message from M. Chirac
"The French government announced yesterday that it had raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Oooh Ouch! Spick me think you are gonna get the wet noodle from Barta <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
here's one for you then Mea... go to google search page and type in
french military victories
click on "I feel lucky" and see what you get!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Message from Mr. Blair
"We British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombing
and threats to destroy aircraft and therefore have raised our security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. I understand that security levels may be raised
yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A
Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been officially re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance". (The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666)."
Message from M. Chirac
"The French government announced yesterday that it had raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
here's one for you then Mea... go to google search page and type in
french military victories
click on "I feel lucky" and see what you get!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
hmm got this;
Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Turkish Egypt and won the Battle of the Pyramids, continuing his march into what is now Israel and Lebanon.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />
PS please remember I have a French last name <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Here you go Mea>>>
http://www.google.co.uk/webhp type in french miltary victories and click on "i feel lucky " and you will get this>>
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
LOL Spick <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> try
this
I was at both of them games....Ahhhhh...Memories. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />
[color:"yellow"] Definitions ??? [/color]
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.
A little boy sends a letter to Santa and asks him to send him a sister, so Santa wrote back and said ok!!! send me your mother.
A little boy sends a letter to Santa and asks him to send him a sister, so Santa wrote back and said ok!!! send me your mother.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
[color:"orange"] What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
..............................................................................
I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.
...............................................................................
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
...............................................................................
What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?
The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."
...............................................................................[/color]
We'll start out slow......
Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.
Annoying advice such as:
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.
Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.
Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya...See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products.
Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand
..
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery
cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.
Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package& announce that..helloooo, another female is in the store . and it's her time of the month!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your [nocando]!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Vodka to your packages instead?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
LOL dunno about the feminine population on this forum, but from my experience that is pretty frigging accurate !
The last female in that condition that comes to mind answered "everything" with
"WHAAAAT!!!!!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
All about the internet..Have a great day....
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down
You got Male!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.
The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your [nocando] goodbye!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
The Blonde Texas City Girl...
Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Will You Marry Me?
A guy with a 25-inch member went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore!
It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if
you see the witchdoctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog.
Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said.
He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought,
20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.!!!
So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:
When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
"The clerk looked at his picture closely.
"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."
She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton is the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the
confusion.
Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tsunami!" Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grins and yells, "Fire!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
I just got this from my Aunt in Cali.
Gosh! What a coincidence! I have an uncle in Cali, and he sent me this joke:
I didn't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />...
Übereil
Oh, you don't get any Italian bread in Sweden? Poor Swedes ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Ah, in case you meant the joke: The lady behind the counter refers to the 5th loaf of bread being hard by the time one gets to eat it. The old man, however, thinks "it" refers to his member becoming hard, since his friend has bragged about great stamina with the ladies.
egg-sac-lee <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Aaah! Jurak you are still the master of humor <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> thanks my friend <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
sometimes they come fast and hard........
and sometimes they come soft and easy.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
glad to make someone's day, a happy one!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Carl was describing his new secretary cheerfully to the family at dinner. "She’s efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to boot. In short she’s a real doll!"
"A doll?" said his wife, with a frown.
"A doll!" re-emphasized her oblivious husband.
At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew a little something about dolls, looked up from her plate to ask "Does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> very clever HEF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
For Christmas cards this year, I suggest getting a chest xray and then having pictures of it put on the cards you send out. That will show everyone that your heart is in the right place.
At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
Apart from the german accent, that was great <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
Dunka... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart [nocando]. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I don't know if this was posted before or not,
but here goes anyway.......
************Marketing 101***********
The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of the concept.
Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone umber. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to
him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten
his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Representative.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misinterpreted the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB, OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
There was this big wedding in Simi Valley recently, and just before the vows were spoken, the bride turned to the assembled friends and relatives:
"I want to thank you all for being here and for the beautiful gifts you've given."
She turned to her beaming parents:
"I want to thank my mother and father for all they've done for me."
She turned to her husband-to-be:
"And I want to thank you for sleeping with my maid-of-honor last night!"
The bride then deposited her bouquet in the groom's face and stormed out of the church.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Collected on the Internet, 1995]
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fork you." He turned to the bride and said, "Fork you," and then said, "I'm outta here".
He got the marriage annulled the next day.
While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it.
At a U2 concert, Bono asked the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierced the silence, "Well, stop f*cking doing it then!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/exclamation.gif" alt="" />
A man staggered into a hospital's emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the ER Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them. While I was looking around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white by its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
[nocando]."
Still holding the cow's tail up,
I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
"I was playing golf when the ball went into the woods. Just as I was preparing to chip it back on to the green in 3 strokes or so, a frog appeared and said,
'Use your driver.'
I thought it was terrible advice, but I had never seen nor heard a talking frog before. So I tried my driver. In one swing my ball was back on the green. I couldn't believe my eyes. So I picked up the frog and took it with me. To make a long story short, the frog gave me advice on every hole, and I played the best game of golf I ever had played. I took the frog home with me, and from that day forward I began making money playing golf by bringing the frog along every time I played."
"One day it occurred to me that if the frog was that good, I should bring it to Las Vegas with me. After I arrived in Las Vegas we went straight to the roulette table. The frog said,
'Put all your money on red.'
I put all my money on red, and guess what? It came up red. I continued to follow al the frog's advice and in an hour I amassed a fortune. The frog said,
'It's time to stop.'
We went up to the hotel room."
"After we arrived in the room the frog said,
'I'm not really a frog. I am a princess. Years ago a witch placed a curse on me and turned me into a frog. The conditions of the curse have now been fulfilled, and if you kiss me, I will turn into my true form, a princess.'
I kissed the frog and it turned into a beautiful 15 year old girl. And I swear to you, Your Honor, that's how she got into my hotel room!"
Oh well done to both of you *giggles* <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
i don't know if this has been posted (must've laughed my brains off while trying to find out) but here it is. ..... & by the way, all of u crack me up! this is to my fav funny man - JURAK!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
************
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?'
'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.
'You mean polio?' she asked.
'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. v 'What's wrong with your knees?' She asked. 'They're all lumpy and deformed!'
'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.
'You mean measles?' she asked.
'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
'Don't tell me,' she said. 'Let me guess.. Smallcox?'
**************************
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
The next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
**************************
thanks Jangg, the man who never speaks bad about anyone.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Hee hee hee!!! but so true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied.
So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?" (I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied)
"Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again
"So, what are you up to mate?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.
Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d#ickhead in the
loo next to me answering everything I say." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Lol Spick, it happened before to me too, I ran out as quickly as I could <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
LOL ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I once saw how a cellular phone (which we call "Handy" here) ringed. The young man in front of me and the young woman beside me BOTH fetched theirs Hamndys out of their bags ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> - They had had the identical ringing ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
That happened to me last month....
Walked into a pet-hyper to buy a few accessories (like the sign required by law when you have a man-eating dog, warning people in 11 languages!), so walking with my hands full, my phone rings.... (and i dont have a common ringtone... remember the OLD ice-cream vans? thats my ring tone)... so struggling for my cellphone which is stuffed deep into a jean pocket, i finally managed to get it out, answered it and notice this VERY confused face staring at me, cellphone in hand....
We both just packed out laughing!!!!!
Do you remember those thriller movies where a girl has to hide from her attacker when at that moment her cell starts to ring... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I was watching a horror movie a while ago (can't remember the title anymore), when the creep in that movie went to the phone and wanted to call it's victim, at the same moment when the phone ringed, my cell ringed too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think you get the idea how high I jumped from my couch...? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Do you remember those thriller movies where a girl has to hide from her attacker when at that moment her cell starts to ring... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I was watching a horror movie a while ago (can't remember the title anymore), when the creep in that movie went to the phone and wanted to call it's victim, at the same moment when the phone ringed, my cell ringed too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think you get the idea how high I jumped from my couch...? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> That's priceless <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A little 80 yr old lady always wanted to join a bikers
club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's
door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all
over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join
your club". The guy was quite amused but says she
needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to
join he explains.
The biker asks; Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked
over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper
in the driveway.
The biker asks, Do you drink?
The little old lady replies "Yep, drink like a fish.
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks; Do you smoke?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a
chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three
joints a day and a couple more in the evening while
I'm shooting pool."
The biker is becoming very impressed and
asks, Last question, have you ever been picked up by
the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
Aussies, Brits, Canadians and Americans Compared
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't watch much TV, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms (Brits) in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Unfortunately Cleg, this is far too close to the truth <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
PS apologies to all US, British and Canadian citizens as it is not my intention to Insult, but sheesh I gotta a good laugh outta that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A Joke for Lews to cheer him up,............. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Subject: A little old lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A Joke for Lews to cheer him up,............. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Subject: A little old lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Thanks Jurak, you cheered me up at least <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
hmm could be construed as a little over 18 years old thus:
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part
of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted. </span>
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
So did that! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Lol, knew it already, but still a good one Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
researchers have discovered that exercessive masterbation can cause dyslexia. hwoeevr, tihs olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
researchers have discovered that exercessive masterbation can cause dyslexia. hwoeevr, tihs olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Oh boy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
You prolly have seen a few of these already ... but there are some new "beauts" in between <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the
English language.
"Underground" is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters "und."
There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary,
is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.It was eliminated
when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the
book 'The Naked Lunch'.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein" the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw
up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it's mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully
ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways.The following sentence contains them all "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.
Mea, those are interesting. Here's another.
Bookkeeper is the only word in the English language with 3 double letters in a row.
Is this typical of today’s world or what? Have you experienced this one before? Even Mobile Phones are becoming an essential item!!
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor, has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an E-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you had had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
Too true HeF here's another Blonde Joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
A Blonde and a Brunette opened a Bar, but after 1 month they still have not made any money.
The Brunette says; we should have opened a Brothel!
The Blonde goes; Hellooooo! we can't sell beer, how do you expect us to sell Broth ??
[img]http://members.optusnet.com.au/~mea_culpa/Smiley's/roflmao.gif[/img]
Subject: Irish blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Subject: Irish blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I never thought you know a story of my life Mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Lol, good one though, very good one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I never thought you know a story of my life Mea
Lol, good one though, very good one.
LOL I thought you would appreciate that one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
*
sincker, snicker *
my computer is lucky to be here....
it's like trying to save a dying horse...
must..make the trip for a new computer...
I will be happy i did... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> nice jokes...
next time you see me I'll be wearing a new computer... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />
next time you see me I'll be wearing a new computer...
Aah there's your problem Jurak my old green friend, you are
not suppose to
wear it, you are suppose to "use" it to entertain us <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
4 more sleeps.......and it'll be <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> all over the place! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
A pyloric sphincter says what? ..........Hmmmm? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
>>> Subject: Rectum Stretcher
>>>
>>>
>>> This is so funny...
>>>
>>> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
>>> the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a
>>> radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her
>>> over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing
>>> smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
>>>
>>> To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the
>>> cop, "What do you do?"
>>>
>>> I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A
>>> what? A rectum stretcher?"
>>>
>>> "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she said, "I
>>> start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
>>> then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side
>>> to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
>>> stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
>>>
>>> "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot [nocando]?" he
>>> asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>>>
>>> Traffic Ticket $95.00
>>>
>>> Court Costs $45.00
>>>
>>> Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@ Jurak -> i really miss u, Orc Chief! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
& for making me smile this morning, i would like to share with u what i've read in an English Learning website;
The US President Proves How Difficult English Really Is! The President's Problems with Vocabulary & Meaning
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Three women where chatting about their sex lives with their husbands.
First woman: My husband Pete loves me giving him a BJ but the strange thing is, when I'm doing it his balls get freezing cold.
Second woman: That's really strange when I give my husband Mark a BJ I've found the same thing.
Third woman: What's a BJ?
The other two suprised at this lack of worldliness from their friend, set about describing the details of the perfect BJ.
The third woman vows to try it out on her husband that night. They agree to meet the next day for coffee to see how she got on.
To their suprise and horror she arrives with a huge black eye. What happened? Did you give him a blow job? Yes she replied, he seemed to be enjoying it then he hit me.
Well what did you do wrong? they asked. Nothing I did it exactly as you described it. I was giving him a blow job and we were both enjoying it and I said this is really nice your balls are nice and hot Pete and Marks are always cold........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
A funeral was taking place of an eminent heart surgeon.
The church was packed with loving friends and collegues,
creating a very emotional atmosphere.
No expense had been spared and there was a huge heart
behind the cofin made with hundreds of red roses.
As the last speech was given and his favourite piece of music came on,
the coffin started to roll slowly towards the curtains, the heart of
red roses started to pulsate then opened up allowing the coffin to glide
inside and disappear through the curtains.
This just completely moved everyone to tears. Two of his close collegues were
at the back, one was holding a lump in his throat at the loss of his friend,
the other was nearly wetting himself with laughter.
He was asked "what the hell are you laughing about,
he was one of your closest friends"
To which he replied "I couldn't help it
I was just thinking about my funeral".
"So!" his friend replied "I don't see your point".
The point is I'm a gynaecologist!!
A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
OVER-SENSITIVE WOMEN
It is important for men t o remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the
same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie
to get a full-time job along with her part time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before
she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in
the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when
I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what
I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I
know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunc h completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.....
Signed, Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly last week.
The police report says that he was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his [nocando] with only 2 inches of
grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and
charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her story that he
accidentally sat down on it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
vice president chaney says to president bush, hey the brazilians have just donated a 100 brazilians to the war on terror.
the presidents reply is, how much is a brazillion?. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over,
and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room
last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling
out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
Subject: A little old lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
One last Long good laugh........
Dubya Quotes
spacer
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> have a nice day!
Aah! Jurak my friend mon cher, you are just too good, I have missed these little outstanding moments of yours... many thanks <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@ Jurak -> i really miss u, Orc Chief! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
& for making me smile this morning, i would like to share with u what i've read in an English Learning website;
The US President Proves How Difficult English Really Is! The President's Problems with Vocabulary & Meaning We have a similar "problem" here. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
The head and Minister of Bavaria (one of Germany's several federal states), Mr. Stoiber, is known to have similar problems ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />
I just quote from the German section of these forums :
US-Präsident Breschnew fehlt aber anscheinend noch.
Immerhin erstaunlich, dass er sich noch an den Namen erinnern kann.
Well, if that is true that he actually said "US-President Brezhnev" ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
("Breschenew" is the German form of his name.)
Jurak, long lost friend!! I'm soo glad you decided to rejoin this crew. May the force of humour always be with you my big green friend!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
ok, some of these are old but .......
MARRIAGES
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I'm not sure if this is funny or horrifying...
Funny Doctor Chart Bloopers:
Actual Medical Record Entries Mistakes From Doctors
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://www.innocentenglish.com/img/funny-newspaper-ads-mistakes-and-bloopers.jpg)
Hmmm... Nobody replied to my ad to go back in time.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Very funny Lady Sarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> , nice to see you back!!
Thanks Galadriel. It's good to be back!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
@ Lady Sarah -> welcome back! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
Hi janggut!! It's good to see everyone again!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
Since I be out of town this weekend, Happy Easter Early Everybody!!
![[Linked Image]](http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/easter.jpg)
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/easter.jpg
This reached me as an e-mail yesterday evening :
To all my friends who are not married yet... You will agree with this.
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are not normal.
4. The handsome nice and normal men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men who are not so nice and somewhat normal, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are normal, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are normal, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO REALLY UNDERSTANDS MEN?
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> good one, Al!
Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the [nocando] out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Share this with all the good apples you know.
HeF, it appears that married life is beginning to suit you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> very funny, HEF. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Hmm depends which way you look at it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://members.optusnet.com.au/~mea_culpa/Library/6Beers.gif)
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
In honor of Drag's new job...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
How to Screw up an Interview
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
aah, those job interview stories remind me of some Worse Than Failure stories.
and btw, I would so hire nr 6 <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Check you're on the right plane!
A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California’s wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.
When he arrived on the scene, he realised that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
His request was approved and he used his mobile phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engined plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m a photographer for CNN,” he responded, ‘And I need to get some close-up shots.”
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, until finally he stammered,
“So, what you’re telling me, is … you’re NOT my flying instructor?”
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises,
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."
Here ya go buddy, one more for Mea, for old times sake...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I think you've posted it before. But it was too long ago for me to remember the punchline, so I still liked it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
Here ya go buddy, one more for Mea, for old times sake...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Thanks Jurak, for remembering the good ol' times <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />
Is Ice T here?
No?
Auw shuks now I can't break T Ice. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />
CNN HAVE JUST REPORTED THIS - Newfies declare war on the USA
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused.. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Subject: A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well,
he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp
all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen
and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'.
That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Why men wear ear rings
A man is at work one day when he notices
that his co-worker is wearing an earring,
The man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense...
The man walks up to him and says,
"I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only
an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
Why men wear ear rings
A man is at work one day when he notices
that his co-worker is wearing an earring,
The man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense...
The man walks up to him and says,
"I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only
an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
A fortune-telling midget escaped from prison. The next morning, the headlines read, "Small Medium at Large!"
Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde. "I'll go get some toilet paper" said the brunette, scurrying off. One blonde said to the other, "Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
The shop teacher was surprised on the first day of school to find a girl in his class, and a hot young blonde at that. "Are you sure you're in the right class?" he asked. Judy assured him that she was. "I'm afraid this course may be out of your league. Do you have any experience with tools?" "Like what?" asked Judy. "Well, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" he asked. Judy thought a moment and then replied, "I can't rightly say -- because I've never been bolted!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
"Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. "It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. I'm three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. "Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?" "Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!'" He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin' up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy's behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'"
A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
She explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license;
they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT
have any cyanide!"
She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed...
with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Two nuns slipped out of the convent for a night on the town. They hit the clubs until closing, but to enter the convent grounds they had to crawl under a chain link fence. Crawling on their bellies, one was drunk enough to pretend it was barbed wire. "Doesn't make you feel like a marine?" she asked. The other grunted, "Sure, but where are we gonna find one at this hour?"
Since a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, scientists for Health Canada ran a study to see if drinking beer turns men into women. In the study, men were each given six pints of beer per day for a month. 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive or think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
There are many aspects of school that you don't appreciate until you get older. Little things, like being spanked by a middle-aged woman!
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
>>>seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>>>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
>>>told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
>>>landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
>>>put your trays up, that would be super."
>>>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
>>>Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
>>>over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so
>>>the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
>>>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
>>>Princess and I take orders from no one."
>>>To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
>>>"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
>>>Tray-up, Bitch."
These are not made up. Check them out yourself.
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
www.whorepresents.com 2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at
www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at
www.therapistfinder.com 5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at
www.powergenitalia.com 6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com/ 7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/ 8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com 9. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com/ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
LOL!! Jurak, I swear, you hurt me this time. I'm suffering from a bad bronchitis and my left lung hurts like hell. With all that laughing I had to take another painkiller <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud
Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
And since you all loved that one, I'll post an other quick one.
A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
NEOLOGISMS
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid .
3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period .
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an [nocando]!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to
safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!
@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they end
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return.
Still in shock, Earl
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
Okay, I can accept that you want to waive your right to the truth in this instance. All I see here is a man making the tactical error of believing he could retain muscle control while using on himself a weapon designed to deprive its victims of muscle control.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
(Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour).
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny . (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
You still got it, Jurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.
Übereil
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> thanks!
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round
f golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to
return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
And asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
Stance is too wide." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Elder Sex
may the wind always be in your sails
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been
going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so
on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to
broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather
trustingly. "
Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then,
looking over his glasses, he casually asked,
"Is that one word or two?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Rofl. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had to re- read it to get it, lol.
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
LOL ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Hmmm... I'm a woman. Should I say: "Whatever" in reply to your post? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Hmmm... I'm a woman. Should I say: "Whatever" in reply to your post? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Raito, don't worry about it, I got it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Hmmm... I'm a woman. Should I say: "Whatever" in reply to your post? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Whatever... you want dear! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Hmmm... I'm a woman. Should I say: "Whatever" in reply to your post? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Whatever... you want dear! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That's it!!! I'm aiming low... and none of you are going to stop me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Hmmm... I'm a woman. Should I say: "Whatever" in reply to your post? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Whatever... you want dear! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That's it!!! I'm aiming low... and none of you are going to stop me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />
Come on Raito, you know where it's coming from right? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> Don't aim low when you're fighting our dearest Orc friend, just borrow an elven arrow from me and poke him with that, orcs can't coop with elven stuff <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Rialto Relax, for someone who's adept , your not being very....
Hi Gal, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> O.K. here's a joke you may like then... even you Rialto... he he
Desert Crossing
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a
camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped
dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence,
the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we
can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely
to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" /> to ALL my friends here! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
Now... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
should i go search out some really good blonde jokes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
blonde jokes later..... this one's for everybody, if you can handle it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit- ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said .... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don't have time !
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
She said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
He said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.
He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
OOOOOOh I'm a nasty man, it feels so good to do this on Valentine's Day, ...
ha ha ha ha..... O.K. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
so I'm a bit bitter........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Great stuff! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
as Ahhhh-noold avalys says, I'll be bock! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Where is that new game anyway?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> As always Jurak, I'm a big fan of your jokes, so keep them coming!
(I love to copy and send them to my dad too) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Hmmm... If Arnie wanted to be in the new Star Trek films, would it be: "Ah'll be Spock!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
hehe <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />...
blonde joke alert!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
.
.
.
.
.
A. One's a bunch a cunning runts
hoohah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />... ba dum dum... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> pa ching! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />...
ha ha ha ha....
I do have more... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
On a recent trip to Hertforshire, a man went to the village of Herbum near Tillet town. While in the local pub, The Cockwell Inn, he met the land lady Lucy Lykes.
They struck up a friendship and he's now started writing to her. Her address is...
Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
more blonde moments... ;
what is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
humpme dumpme.....
why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blondes been driving a car?
because she blows the horn.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />
Why does a blond wear panties?
... To warm up her ankles!
Oh my god!! did i just say that? ... hahahahahah
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
A 70 year old spinster decides she wants to marry so she puts an ad in the paper. The ad only has 3 requirements ; the man cannot hit her cannot run around on her andmust be great in bed. Weeks go by with no responce to the ad, finally the doorbell rings, the old lady answers the door and finds a quadriplegic man in a wheelchair she looks at him in amazement and says, "you can't be possibly be applying for my ad. you have no arms!" He replied "Therefore, I can never hit you." She concidered this and said, "But....you have no legs." Therefore, I can never run around on you." She looked at him with a lascivious gleam in her eye and asked "And are you great in bed?"He grinned up at her and said,I rang the doorbell, didn't i?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow [nocando] have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
u still have the magically funny touch, Orc Chief! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Seinfeld's boring compared to u! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.
Had to read this three times before I actually got it.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Hilarious Jurak!
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow [nocando] have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
Great ones as usual Jurak, I don't expect anything less from you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
do you see jesus...?
![[Linked Image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/jesus-is-really-a-dogsass.jpg)
oops, sorry move the pic at photobucket...
see him? ....he really is everywhere..... ha ha <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
![[Linked Image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/Funny/jesus-is-really-a-dogsass.jpg)
Brilliant! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Übereil
What is the way to make a small fortune in the current market?
Yoo Divine One`s!
My turn,
PS. I`m bad at jokes =P
Evening, about 8 pm.
Countryside.
An old man named Bob cruises on the highway, hoping he`ll find an UFO.
Up ahead of him he sees green lights. He wonders, what could that be, might aswell check it out.
Drives for about an hour, the green light just seemed to be not far away from him, a meter maybe? But the distance never changed. Gah, to heck with it - he thought and took the next turn left. Ahead of him he saw an old man, dressed in grayish robes. He stoped and asked if the man wants a lift home. No thankee, ol` Bobby boy, but you could spare some change though - said the old man. Bob game him a couple of cents. The old man looked happy and said - Lemme` tell ya` a secret ol`Bobby boy. There be a gem that keeps on dissapearin` and reapearin`, say, think you could solve this? The previous guy i asked neva` returned to me to tell what it was..
Bob then said - fine.
He got back in his truck and went back the road he came from. He then saw the green light again. I`ll get to the bottom of this - he thought and continued driving forward. After another hour of driving the fuel ended. Dang nab it - he thought, well, i came this far, so..
He continued down the road the light dispeared then reapeared all the time. Finally, the light stoped disapearing and was just lying there on the road. Bob looked around, seemed fine, nobody was around, when he walked near the lgiht it turned into a emrald... 3 thugs jumpd out of nowhere and the last thing that Bob thought was - That old man was a thug...nice trap..
4 days have passed since Bob got attacked by the thugs.
The old man cryed - Boohohoho.. I cant believe it.. another one screwed me... Me! Malachias! Boo...
Tired of reading yet?
Subject: BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!) When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high-grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars. "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago." The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day." And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!
Ok maybe not a joke but funny as hell...
this is the response from an Dark Elf when playing the game Arcanum:
"When You go to a mindreader You pay only the half price?"
hehe
funny tho.........
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home? 'The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
WARNING TO MEN:
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Obviously i got this from a woman ............. so heed the warning gentlemen
![[Linked Image]](http://217.22.58.200/moppentap-com/p/a/24.jpg)
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Ok, will somebody please help me to get back in my seat??? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Can't ![[Linked Image]](http://www.my-smileys.de/smileys2/kellylolwech.gif)
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![[Linked Image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/outland_full.jpg)