Larian Studios Forums General Chat The self-confidence thread.

Hello, everyone, especially the writers among us :

I'm currently struggling about something I neither understand nor have any clue about it.

It's called "self-confidence".

I have a *very* low self-confidence, not much ahead. I sometimes doubt whether I am good with *any*thing, and sometimes I feel powerless and weak.

For example reading a good book at one point or another invokes in me the though : "why, I doubt I can ever be so good ... why can't I write good stories, especially when I'm so much criticized ?" I wonder how the peole like Terry Pratchett (having read the great Wee Free Men lately) or Timonthy Zahn are able to develop such great books with plots with twists and turns, but I'm not even able to deliver a small, tiny story without being heavily criticized ?

I usually see my weaknesses much, much bigger than my strengths, like an elephant compared to a mouse.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be any good - in any field of work.

That's what's this (my) thread is about :

"How do I build up a normal, healthy self-confidence ?"

I wonder whether it is possible to build up, to develop any - what would you say about that ?

This question is directed in port towards the participants of the Adorant thread and the Writing Thread, because they know what I'm talking about, but anyone can participate anyway.

Alrik.

If Bach flower remedies are available where you live it sounds like you should look into "Mimulus."

Uhm.

Hint: those people probably have gone through what you have, and have been heavily criticized themselves before they've gathered the kind of experience needed to pen anything of value. And you know, even then, their books still get criticized, torn apart, and so on. If you think I am harsh, you should see professional editors -- nay, any decent English teacher -- at work. They'll make your manuscripts bleed red ink. Heck, you should see my beta-reader at work. We sometimes fuss over a single discordant word in a single sentence for ten-fifteen minutes, and Lord and Lady, you don't want to know the way I flush the badly written or mediocre chunks of my writing down the drain. (Read: I've had to rewrite a whole chapter -- or a whole story -- from scratch. But hey, the result is rather rewarding, makes the whole picture a little better, and makes me happier.)

There's a fanfiction author who writes a marvelous KotOR fanfic. His plot is amazingly complex, full of political intrigues, inter-character conflicts, and action. His characterization is nigh-perfect; established characters are expanded and portrayed correctly; original characters are interesting and three-dimensional. His prose is very, very good (not perfect, but pretty damn close); his diction flows, and it's very immersive. When I read his updates, I suffer from an attack of insecurity ("I am not worthy, I am not worthy!"), especially since I write in the same fandom and take a post-endgame idea, as he does. But wallowing in self-pity and dejection will do me no good, so I just get on with my own fanfic. Just, you know, move on. There are things I do with my own writing that I can take pride in, and part of the joy in it is knowing that there are people who get simple entertainment out of my storytelling. Why should I feel the need to be as good as, or better than, the writers I admire? It's not a competition. I'll write, hone my skills, and improve at my own pace.

Query: Let's be blunt -- are you actually interested in improving as a writer? I mean, if not, then...

You like writing, and from what little I have read from you so far I think you are talented. That's as good a basis as there can be.

I agree with Winterfox: Every writer gets criticized. You can learn from it by trying to integrate what you think is right and ignoring what you think may be right for others but not for you.

I don't know the proverb in English: Es ist noch kein Meister vom Himmel gefallen... (Means: You have to practise to become perfect).

So: keep on writing! Have you considered attending courses? I have no experience with writing courses, but with other courses. Apart from the contents I often find them very encouraging.

As to self-confidence: When I was younger, I wasn't even able to look up when walking a street. (Somebody might notice me...) And if somebody looked at me I blushed. Inevitably. It was hell. In school, I always got very good marks for my written tests, and the worst possible for my oral contribution. Even if I knew something, I just could not speak in front of all those people (my classmates, the teacher,...). <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> I thought I was stupid, ugly, different.

I will never be someone who likes to speak in public, and I still blush sometimes. But I can say what I want to say in front of others, and if I blush I don't give a ... I can't tell you how I developed some self-confidence, sometimes I think I was just fed up with being shy. This won't help you much, I know that, but you asked if it was possible to develop self-confidence.

My answer: Yes, it is possible. Just don't give up. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

The English version's exact wording is "practice makes perfect." If you want to know. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



I think you can self-teach and learn on your own -- that's what I've done, anyway, and I don't feel like I've missed anything. These courses can sometimes be less than beneficial. A few acquaintances of mine who have attended writing courses have told horror stories about peer-editing where you have to say only positive things about the other students' writing. Which is, IMO, rather childish and in the long run, detrimental. (One of the people I know had to lie through her teeth about the short story of a classmate. She found it offensive, badly written, and all around awful. What she ended up actually saying was "This is interesting and has potential." What she didn't divulge was the fact that she also found potential in chimpanzees banging their heads randomly against the keyboard.) Of course, I'm sure that good writing classes exist, but I haven't run into any... yet.

Incidentally, I'll add this: no one is beyond, or above, criticism. No one. Not even authors who occupy first slots of any bestseller lists. Not even critically acclaimed authors who have won Nobel/Pulitzer/Booker Prize. I had some fun seeing Romeo and Juliet torn apart, as well as reading complaints about Terry Goodkind, David Eddings, Jean M. Aules, Laurell K. Hamilton, and Robert Jordan -- to name but a few.

Well, that sounds horrible indeed.

I have just finished a course (different theme) and - apart from what I learned from the teacher - found it very motivating just to meet and talk to people in a similar situation.

So maybe not courses but meetings with other writers? I think it is different to actually speak with s.o. Written comments in a forum may so easily be misunderstood.

Can you build up your self-confidence? YES!

How?

- stop being your own worst critic, and stop degrading yourself.
- be realistic about expectations; your own and others. Are they realistic?
- understand, acknowledge and accept that NOBODY has only weaknesses, as well as nobody has only strong points.

There definitely are things you can do or know better than others! So what, if there are some, that can do some things even better, or have more knowledge in any given field than you. That does not make you a lesser man. There will be other things in which you are better than they.

What's the difference in those people with more self confidence? They don't care, if someone is better at something than they are, they know they are good enough for their purposes. Or, if not, that they can improve.

And as to writing - you can study and learn languages, grammar, style, to research thoroughly - but none of this gives you ideas, emotions, phantasy. This comes from within you, from what and how you are as a whole human being.

From what I have read of you, you are much, much better than what you say here what you think you are!

But maybe your problem is not self confidence at all? If it is a question of not being sure where you (!) want to go, to be able to define your (!) goals in life, and where to find the tenacity in pursuing them? That I would consider another issue, not suitable for public discussion (for me at least)

Yes, that reminds me of my youth, when I was at school. Things were similar, then.


And yes, I've already acknowledged that I'm often too hard with my self. I cannot forgive mistakes / faults / failures as aesily as you probably can do.

Well, about writing ... : I think I'm still able to do that. Well, last week (around the time when I was reading the above mentioned book), I had the horrible thought and feeling as if my hands would NOT let me write stories down anymore ! This feeling was like a ... boycott, or how it's spelled. Absolutely horrible.
I digged deeper and noticed why : Not because of the criticizm itself, but because of the hurt, the woulds it inflected in me - because I'm so hard to my self : A burned child fears the fire ! - That's how the saying goes. If I'll burn my self again, I'll cry out in pain, to paint it as a picture.

On the other hand, I would ever be able to write my "poems" down, which resemble much more my own "voice". I have much more experience in them, and since they are expressing rather my own "voice", there wouldn't be much to criticize there, I believe.

Anyway, that's not really the theme here; the theme is rather : How do I build up a normal, healthy self-confidence ? That's what I don't understand. And it stands apart from any criticism.

Putting aside Your hobby there are a few factors that might help in building up self-confidence one of the things I think of as important is: being needed/helping others especially those You can se in person. The fact You manage to help others solve problems of any nature should at some point result in feeling more self-confident. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Thanks. Sounds reasonable to me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> I'll keep this in mind. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

I gained self confidence by realising that I don't know anyone else and that no one can hold anything against me because they don't know me. That's how I started dancing. I can't dance. I'm crap at it. And I don't care what anyone else thinks because I don't know them and they won't be in any position to tease me about it later. After realising that, I don't dance so bad anymore because I feel free!

You think I have a bad singing voice? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> So??? I like it. So shove off.


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Easy.

Al I do not think that this is a subject it should be discussed in a forum with a group of people who have never seen each other in their life, although gathering some opinions in order to have a better point of view in a subject can do no harm IMHO.
There is no formula which will provide you with more self confidence. Just a simple thing -which is at the same time the hardest thing in the world- love yourself. It is you that you hold the key. It is you that you must accept yourself first. Leave the fear of what others might say behind. HandEFood spoke about freedom. A good advice indeed. Let yourself free. And then everything will be better.

I do not wish to discuss further this matter in public. If you need me, you know where to find me.
Luc

I just wanted to see what everybody could say about this, because I simply have no clue.

You can PM me at any time. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Today (Monday) I'm at home until afternoon, so I'm for most of the day able to respond. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Alrik.

hello Al,

the fact that u're so open about your emotions shows us much that your situation isn't as bad as it seems. it's just that emotions tend to overblow things a bit by giving u false perspective on things. that's why perfect balance of head & heart is needed. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> i'm sure u know that.

Luc got it right when she said the phrase, "love yourself".

that's what my teacher told me way way back in my schooldays. *dang! i feel so old <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> *

i never appreciated the wisdom in those simple words until i realised that i had no self-confidence. i think it was worse than that. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> oh well, best not to think too much on it.

Al, do find out more about your 'burden' & cast it aside. once it's off your back, u'll love the new-found freedom. get a friend (or two) to help u out.

there's more but it's too personal to be mentioned here. u can always PM me, Al.

Well, thanks. I'm gone into Internship again within this hour ( I think) , and won't be online, I think, until next weekend. Of course I keep looking for a reasonable internet-café (prices, that is), so I might be able to post from within the week.

Besides, PMs are always welcome. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Alrik.

Alrik...

I will let you into a little secret. EVERYONE suffers from doubts about their own abilities, and the fear that they might not be as good as they think they are or would wish to be. Everyone. Without exception. Once you really believe this - and it IS true - you will feel a whole lot better about yourself <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

the best piece of free advice i've seen yet on this topic comes from none other than Lucretia, who hit it bang on....


who gives a sh1t what anyone thinks,
unless your really after some constructive criticisim,
and you can handle that.
Don't beat yourself up about it,

(thanks for the image Kiya)
you are you,
and i am me,
and we are all together, some of us barely afloat, some sinking, and some sailing happily on the sea of life. Where are you?
i found these tips in the mighty WWW .... sorry if it's long....

Easy and Practical Self confidence tips
Everybody needs a confidence boost sometimes, so here are a few tips...

[These self confidence tips come from Roger Elliott, who runs courses and a website dedicated to building self confidence. You can subscribe to his famous free self confidence course here.]

1) Feel Good when you Want

When you need to boost your self confidence or self esteem, find 3 things that make you feel good. These could be memories of good times, a piece of music, a holiday souvenir, or a person's face - use photos if it helps. Practise thinking about them and bringing them to mind.

Developing self confidence that lasts - because of the way emotions 'attach' themselves to memories, you will quickly train yourself to feel good when you want - a great help.

2) Beat Self Consciousness

Self consciousness is the No.1 enemy of self confidence. Learn how to keep your attention off yourself. You can do this easily by following these steps...

a) If you notice you have become self-conscious, (you can usually tell because you start to feel anxious), choose something 'everyday' you can see and study it in detail. For example: examine a door, look at the different textures and shades of colour, wonder about who made it and how and so on. The important thing is that you're learning how to keep your attention off yourself.

b) If you feel self-conscious in a social situation, it's usually because you don't have enough to do! Focus on what your purpose in the situation is. Whether you're there to:

find out if you like the other people in the situation
make others feel comfortable
find out some information
make business contacts
and so on...
It's easy to feel self-conscious if you have nothing to do, and much more difficult if your attention is occupied by a task.

Think how comfortable you have been with others when you're all working toward a common goal. The common goal of socialising could be making friends, it could be the exchange of mutually beneficial information, it could be whatever you want it to be!

3) Don't Take Undue Criticism - Even From Yourself !

Challenge your own assumptions. Here's a few to get you started:

a) Confident-looking people have bad moments too.

b) Just because you feel under-confident, doesn't mean other people can tell.

c) If you're saying things to yourself like "You're no good at anything" then rest assured, you're wrong. Everyone can compose a sentence, get successfully to the store, eat without choking. Don't let yourself make sweeping statements about yourself - in the long run it is this sort of thing that can really damage your self image.

Building self esteem is not just about thinking good of yourself, it's about not thinking bad for no reason!

d) Just because you have felt bad about yourself in the past doesn't mean you're always going to feel that way. I have seen hundreds of people surprise themselves once they have learned how to build self confidence in a way that it stays built!

e) Learn how to develop your self confidence by following the tips from this site and notice the small differences as they happen. Persevere and don't expect everything at once. Beating low self esteem is a wonderful thing, and it's much easier than you'd imagine.

Wise words, Orc Chief <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
if I may, I'd like to add this:
1. if everything fails - use humour. High self expectations and striving for perfectionism might be eased this way.
2. be patient with yourself, and watch how loving parents encourage their anxious kids. Try this on yourself - respect your own pace.
3. If you have the feeling, the whole day(week) was only a constant battling with yourself and others - use a diary and jot down all events. You might find out to your surprise, that black beads and white beads are balanced and you missed this, cause you focused on events "showing" your failures.

Beads => thoughts, events, incidents. Black are the ones where you lost confidence, white the ones where you accomplished something. Beads can be everything: a quick smile amongst strangers meeting your path for a second, a thank you, a good laugh, the sun rays on a wall, the calculator you lost a week ago and found at last, the beauty of a pic etc. All incidents (black+white) show, you're alive.

And, of course, what Luc said: Love yourself. Love yourself as you are, love yourself as you would love your child: because you exist, because you want to learn, because you have the faith in your ability to learn. And no one can learn walking or running through the path of life without occasionally falling down and nursing ones bruises. (Keep plasters handy <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> )

Oh, and one that always works for me: Smile at strangers. You might only get two people who smile back at you in a day, but it's worth it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />