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Hmm the idea I stole from Ube, but changed it too a more Roleplayers PoV, I.E.
What was the most humorous, stoopid, Intelligent ... whatever you heard a player utter during a P&P session?

I remember mine <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Setting Middle earth RPG system Rolemaster

Halfling walks accidently into the den of the Vampire lord leading his party, after some very polite introductions where every one is pointedly ignoring the fact that we are in the middle of a incredibly powerfull Vamp (remember this is rolemaster, deadly rules!) when the Elf (me) blurts out: "BTW have you ever heard of the one ring?"

The majority of the party went NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! tell us you didn't say that, the mage in the party called all together and dropped a empowered Fireball spell at his feet killing all party members!

After I said what you do that for? they said in unison "you Moron, that was a Vampire, and he would have heard about the one ring during his Looooong existence, and thus would have made us undead just to get our information !!

Needless to say when all this finally dawned on me, I said sheepishly " hmm are we gonna make new characters now ?? " <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

P&P? Table roleplaying?

Übereil

Pen & Paper

The greatest laugh I had when I was reading (infamous "incidents" of DSA sessions (P&P) on a website.

There, the group visited a brothel, and one of the party members (I think it was a magician) "enchanted" one party member or all with the spell "axeleratus", which is a spell speeding up the movements of a person ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Yeah as in 1 of the D&D books, the crazy Mage family known as the Harknels .....
well 1 of these Crazy magicians was being attacked by an Illithid (mindflayer) so he cast a quick polymorph spell on himself ... but slightly modified it in his own crazy way and polymorphes his bumm with his brain ....... in case you don't know mindflayers have several attacks ... 1 of those is to use their tentacles (which are fitted to their face) and suck out their enemies brain therefore gathering more intelligence (info) for the big brain (that's another story) so If 1 swapped his brain with his bumm guess what the Illithid ended up sucking ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> another Mea's classic. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Some of our old warhammer sessions were so funny I often drew up a comic strip that night of the events. I wonder if I still have them somewhere!

There was some classics.

Gamesmaster: 'The crystal is floating 5 feet above the ground, but there's what can only be described as a magical layer of fire around it. If you wanted to take the crystal you'd have to put your hand through the flames! Looking around the cavern you see graffiti, it appears to be orcish scribblings!'

Dwarf Loremaster: 'I read what it says! Could be a clue!'

GM: 'It says "Zog off Torock" over and over! You know 'zog off' to be an orcish insult!'

Healer: 'Well that wont help us get the crystal so! Hey dwarf, you're tough, put your hand in and get it and I'll heal ya after!'

Dwarf Loremaster: 'I will in my sh**e put my hand in...you do it and heal yourself!'

Healer: 'I'm not tough enough!'

Dwarf Loremaster: 'Zog off torock' has to be magic chant or something!!'

Warrior: You're kidding right?

Dwarf Loremaster: GM, I walk around the flames chanting 'Zog off torock'...

GM: Nothing happens.

Dwarf Loremaster: I stamp my feet while doing it.

(Laughter from all other players)

GM: Nothing happens.

Dwarf Loremaster: everyone else has to join in or it wont work.

everyone else: *groan*

(conga-line of idiots stamping around the flames chanting 'Zog off torock')

GM: Nothing happens.

Dwarf Loremaster: What else is in the room?

GM: A crude looking table, basically a stone slab.

Dwarf Loremaster: I stand on that and chant 'Zog off torock'!!

GM: Nothing happens.

Other players (amoung themselves): He said he was a 'loremaster'...

(10 minutes later after chanting from every location in the room...lots of laughter, and an irate dwarf saying 'at least I'm trying something unlike you lot)

GM: Nothing happens.

Dwarf Loremaster: Right that's it...I'm just going to put my hand in. Seeing as I'm the one who has to get things done. I know it's going to nearly kill me though...

GM: As you put your hand in your arm bursts into flames...(dice rolls)

Dwarf Loremaster: I roll around on the ground.

GM: The rest of you see a flaming dwarf rolling around on the floor.

Others: fine, we pat the fires out.

Warrior: I put my hand in knowing it can't burn me and just take the crystal (dice roll)

GM: You take the crystal. The flames go out, the dwarf has no hair left, and is smoking.

(laughter from all.....) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Oh yes Plowking, that rocks <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Heh talking about dwarves:

Party gets to a door that is closed, the Rogue says "it's okay, I'll pick the lock"
he proceeds (dieroll .... critical faillure) breaks lockpicks and hurts hand (-10hp).

The Dwarven Fighter pipes up and says:
Dont you laddies know how to open a door .... you use a dwarven lockpick (meaning the huge great big frickin warhammer) and proceeds to bash the door ..... after sometime some dwarven curses and lots of laughter.. the Elf (ranger) says anyone tried pulling the door??

it worked <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Excellent, so that's when they invented the 'Pull' sign on doors.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Playing Rolemaster in Middle Earth - I had a character by the name of Garfele, he was quickly renamed by all in the party as 'Gar-fumble'.

I spectactularly fumbled my attacks in just about every fight we had and it proved to be my beloved level 7 characters downfall in a one on one fight with a mangy half-orc - I fumbled badly, rolled on the fumble table and sliced off my own hand - the orc stopped attacking and started laughing. I made a consistution roll so I could muster the strength to attack again - almost unbelieveably I fumbled again (it's only a 3% chance to fumble) and impaled myself on my own sword.

How they laughed.........and laughed.........and I <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />

Ah geeze Plowking, you didn't pick the jinxed perk, did you? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

Übereil