This will be my last post in this discussion.
That strange post ... well, I had to "write something off my soul" , so to say. I don't know any better expression for that in English. I just wanted to show (in a way) what this discussion has caused within me.
I'm currently undergoing a process of deep self-analysis, for several weeks now.
I've come to a point where something broke me ... where someone tells me that "I
m a looser". I don't know where this comes from, but I still remember scenes from my childhood. Even scenes where my favourite character was Donald Duck, the "everlasting looser".
It might be that someone said this to me, or even I did it myself.
Remember the shattered glass lying in my bleeding wound ? That is what's left of my self-confidence.
However, no matter which direction I explore into my self, I come to this point : "I'm a looser". It doesn't matter anyway where it comes from, but it is there - and hinders my from developing a healthy self-confidence. Realizing how long it was there (childhood ?) I learn that I couldn't develop healthy self-confidence for a very long time now. That explains why I have so great difficulties in telling my weaknesses from my strengths; in fact, I don't seem to have any strengths at all, and all of the weaknesses seemingly mnuch bigger than they should be, I guess. That's why I react so strange, sometimes.
Even worse, my only point in my self where I could grow a healthy self-confidence so far was that writing. I had always thought I was good at it, my only strength, but it has crumbled to dust now, with this discussion. I have no strengths anymore. I have no (healthy) self-confidence anymore.
So where could I turn my self to ? Nowhere, because I'm a looser. There are no strengths, there are only weaknesses. And all because I'm a looser.
The glass is bleeding again in my wound, in my soul, and more fiercly than ever.
A friend of mine is a psychologist, and in the next months - I hope - I can talk with her about it, and get this thing resolved. Or rather dissolved.
I've never said I'm normal. I try to be so, but the looser prevents me from doing it. I have no healthy self-confidence.
Therefore I must rely on what people say. I cannot tell where my weaknesses (far too many) and strengths (any at all ?) are, so I must rely on what people say.
If people say that I'm a bad writer, then it's true. I have no means of confirming it, or falsify it. I must take it as it is.
So, if for example Winterfox dissects my story and point out all of the weaknesses, then my story is weak - and my only naturally grown self-confidence (as being a writer) crumbles to dust. I must believe her, since I cannot falsify or confirm her. And this goes for everyone else.
If I ever get critics, my view centers on the weaknesses, because I'm a looser. And since critics tend
NOT to show any strengths a story has (because at least they are critics) , the looser in my is strengthened. I mean that the looser in my gets the signal : "You are a looser, and once again the people out there confirmed it. So let all of your hope be gone forever ! You cannot become better, no matter how much you try; you'll stay a bloody looser forever !"
That's how it goes, and I cannot do anything to prevent this. I cannot do anything against it.
Maybe that's the point why I react in the described way towards critics.
Now, I'm thinking that I'm a bad writer (if writer at all), and that I won't ever be able to improve my self, because I'm a looser. That's the result I take from this thread.
Oh, and another one : That friends might be there who don't care if you are a looser anyway. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
As an addition, this discussion has only sped up my decision to leave this board for a while. I would be gone anyway, because from the 21st this month on I'm going into a 3-months intermship at Potsdam, near Berlin without Internet connection anyway. Except Cafés, maybe. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> So I would only be able to post during the weekends.
I would be gone anyway, but this discussion sped up my decision. I must clear my self, return to my self, and the time I will take for this.
Everyone, especially Winterfox, who believes that I'm a bad writer will no mote be bothered by my presence, then. I wil just retreat.
Consequently, I won't publish my "poems", because they are bad, too. I don't think anymore they are any good. Only if someone PMs me.
Is this a war won by my critics ? Yes and No.
Yes, because I'm retreating, No, because I've still got a place to hide : My own taste.
For my own taste, the Adorant is still one of my favourite stories I've ever written. Now, you might think, how BAD must he be if this one is his FAVOURITE story ? I leave this up to you, but in the end you are all superior to me, because I'm a looser (as explained above).
But in my own taste, nothing compares. I might still find highly acclaimed stories be the fill-in for the next litter-box, I might still think that some movies or RPGs are simply Mist (and I mean the German "Mist"). No-one can tell me something is bad or good, because he or she simply has not my own taste of things. That's my only place to hide that's left.
I'm closing this with some lines from an early song by Genesis :
"Am I very wrong ? to try to close my ears for the sound they play so loud ?
Am I very wrong ? The happiness machine is trying hard to sing my song !"
Alrik.
