I want to ask -- why present tense?
I've always used present tense because it helps make it seem like the story is unfolding as it's being read.
Punctuation/grammatical hiccups. Many spots need a comma and have none; other spots don't need a capitalized letter and have one; there are spelling mistakes. A quick proofread should fix it.
You'll have to point out som specific spots, because I've proofread it a million times.
First chapter -- as the others said, the descriptions are extremely sparse. There's so much dialogue, and almost no narrative, such that it seems like a skit more than prose. The characters' dialogue have issues, too -- they don't talk like real people. Mark doesn't talk to Corey like a friend. He talks like a self-help textbook on love-life. Or Aunt Agony. As a result, he doesn't seem to be anything more than a talking cardboard cut-out who's just there to nag Corey into finding a girl. Corey, similarly, is bland.
Second chapter -- still no characterization that I can see. The chapter seems devoted mostly to letting several characters describe Corey's virtues (as opposed to, you know, let the character show it in actions himself), something that I wince at quite a bit. Hopefully, this won't turn into a brooding Gary Stu.
Third chapter --
Corey, Mark, and Jessica are walking across the St. Lawrence University campus after lunch heading for the student parking lot.
Details, details, details. This sentence is an example of why underdone descriptions are bad. It's bland, it's boring, and it's about as fun to read as a sheet of physics formulae.
Corey turns his head to look at Jessica and says, "You're Thai, aren't you?"
Show, not tell. Never tell. Ever. How does Corey tell Jessica is Thai? Slanted eyes? Facial structure? Height? Pick up a random person off Hong Kong, pick up a random person from Thailand. Chances are that, if they stand still and stay silent, you wouldn't know which is Chinese and which is Thai. For your information, I'm Thai with Chinese blood. Your luck, yes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
On a similar count, none of the characters gets described, either. What's up with that?[/quote]
Some of what you just mentioned is part of what I planned to go back and change as I mentioned in a previous post, such as character descriptions, but you did give me several ideas to help make it better. Thanks.
The dialogue is beginning to grate on me. It reads like a ping-pong game at stalemate: it drags on and on and gets nowhere. Certainly, in real life, small talks don't go anywhere, but in fiction, you're supposed to hold the reader's attention, not bore her to sleep. Maybe I'm not a fan of teen humor/young adult books, at that, so I find some of the supposed-to-be-funny bits less than clever.
Still no characterization, and we're over 2,000 words in. The characters each seems to have all the emotional depth of a very tiny puddle. I'm not asking you to dramatize every little thing into five pages' worth of angst, but this is terribly bare-boned.
I'm stopping here, because if I continue, this post will get much too long. Bottom line: do try to set scenes. The story, thus far, has exactly zero atmosphere. It's not badly written in the sense of mangled grammar and murdered English language, it just doesn't tickle my interest. It doesn't intrigue my senses (sound, sense, smell, taste, sight); the plot doesn't seem to have manifested yet; the characters are lifeless.
Once again, thanks for the ideas.
"corey picked up his guitar, not standard acoustic guitar, beige, brown frets. This one was black, with finished white borders, a white fretboard with a red rose roots at the bridge running over the fretboard and its blossom on the head."
to give you an example how you could personilze the guitar to the story.
Hm, that is pretty good. I haven't played the guitar in years, so I'd forgotten what the various parts of it were called. Thanks.
If Corey gives a d*mn at all what the guitar looks like...
I think it's all right, although I do agree on a few points.
A lot of dialogue -- doesn't bother me - most novels have a lot of dialogue - but compared to events and "verbal painting", there's too much. Or in other words, it would be a good idea to add more irrelevant description (and make them relevant with the excuse that you need them to add to the athmosphere, of course <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> ).
Then the characters... I agree with WinterFox there -- I don't feel like I "know" any of the characters, not even Corey after spending eight chapters with the guy. How well do YOU know Corey, Mickey?
Well, I suppose I would know Corey pretty well, being the authour and all, but I could do a better job fleshing him, and the other characters out.
As I said, it's all right in my opinion. I did afterall read through it, and I liked reading it, although I have no clue why. IS it going anywhere? I like the comfort of knowing that a published book will eventually, probably go somewhere. This story better goes somewhere too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
Yeah, it's going somewhere. When I first started writing this, I was justw riting to write and didn't plan on doing much with it. I was just trying to get back into my writing and get some practise.
Aside from that, your "columns" are pretty good Mickey. Got any more coming up? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Yeah, I have had a few ideas running through my head lately, just no time to write much out.
Thanks for the help and the ideas guys.
