Larian Studios Forums General Chat story

‘No, never, look at what they did last time I had anything to do with them!’ said yofkin the terrible as he slammed his peg leg on the table.
‘But we need you’ said Gothlor the brave ‘last time you fought your way out of twenty of them!’
‘Yes but last time was twelve years ago, and I was wanting to get revenge on them for my leg and did!’
‘But last time you never had an army of 500 by your side!’ cried Bothren the strong from the corner, all cloaked in grey.
‘Yes but, master dwarf, I had the power of the mage Lorytem’ he said in a cocky tone, which enraged the dwarf who had to be held back by Pothney the ranger.
‘Well we cannot force you to join our campaign’ said Gothlor with a sigh.
‘who can’t!’ muttered the dwarf angrily under his breath with his hand on a throwing axe that was in a sheath on his left side ‘so if you change your mind we are here for another 5 days’ said Gothlor and of walked the man with a clunk every time his left wooden leg touched the floor.
‘The enemy would here his leg anyway’ said Pothney with a giggle.
‘He is right though’ said Gothlor, and the other two let out a slight gasp.
‘How can you side with him’ cried the dwarf.
‘Well the army we have is a very strong alliance of men and dwarves, but we need the power of a mage to match the power of the dark one and the only one I new was killed by the wolves of Thort’ said Gothlor shaking his head.
‘The strength of a mage! What we need are some sturdy dwarves to fight, not a mage!’ cried Bothren with rage.
‘Stubborn as always’ said Pothney in a whisper.
‘What we need to do other than argue the power of the dwarves’ said Gothlor sternly ‘Is to go to the west of this town to find this battle king we have all heard about.
Gothlor and Pothney went straight away but when they had travelled two or three minutes away from the inn they realized that Bothren was not anywhere to be seen but behind them they heard a faint ‘wait’ and up he came with his two-handed battle axe in his hand covered with blood.
‘What happened’ cried Pothney ‘why where you so slow, and where did the blood come from?’ with these words he touched the blood and tasted it ‘orc blood’
Bothren stuck his thumb up and said ‘Yes, pant, I am, pant, too tired’ then he swung his arm and said ‘come, pant, they are attacking the village!’ with these words Pothney and Gothlor followed him but they were to fast for him and with a sigh Gothlor turned and grabbed the dwarf and slung him on his back.
‘What has happened’ asked the elf
‘I was finishing of my drink’ answered the dwarf ‘then I heard a scream which ended with a choke, so I went out with the land lord expecting to see a dead animal but this was no animal’
Then he was stopped by the cry of Gothlor ‘ORC’S’.
with these words the dwarf jumped from the elf’s back and cried ‘TO ARMS, TO ARMS’, but every one had already drew there weapons and where fighting of the vicious creatures.
Gothlor was in the middle of about 10 to 12 who where all hissing and screaming, but the man was not scared at all, in fact he was not even moving. All he was doing was standing with his [nocando] sword facing in the air like he was waiting for someone to do or say something, then with a shout he thrust his sword into the commander and started slashing at the others. At this time Pothylon was using a longbow and was killing the beasts at an extraordinary rate, while the dwarf who was about half the size of one of the creatures was using great skill with his master work mythril axe and eventually after they had killed nine or ten each the village guard came at about 15 strong and charged the evil creatures and destroyed all but one who was running at an extrodany speed, but the elf was not at a miss of what to do so he pulled an arrow out of his highly decorated sheath and placed it on his bow, pulled back the string and released it and with great speed and power the arrow stuck in the back of the bloody orc’s head and the creature fell.

please tell me what u think of this????

10 : none killing rate? super heros!

Sounds like a good begining of a grand adventure

thanx uv raised my confidence
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

"In need of heavy editing" is the first thought that comes to mind. The punctuation is way, way out of whack. (Is there a shortage of commas and periods in Durham?) The spelling is rather mangled. (Off/of, where/where, new/knew, here/hear.)

There's too much dialogue and not enough narrative or description. There's little to no room for characterization, and the scene is never set. No, appending a few adjectives to a character does not a characterization make. In fact, it's the worst way possible to do it. The old saying "Show, not tell" applies. Show the reader why such-and-such is brave. The abundance of dialogue also makes it difficult for me to make out any kind of coherent plot (or, for that matter, coherent anything, including the characters' personalities). You also overuse taglines a lot. You don't need to. It makes the conversation look extremely repetitive. Sometimes it's better to let a line stand alone or use verbs that don't relate directly to speech.



Suggestion: reading an author with a competent grasp on battle choreography might benefit you. Just a thought. Details and tension are what keep combat sequences interesting, and it's a better idea to focus on a single character rather than multiple ones at a time.

Paragraphs please! Then I may give it another look. Spaced out lines are far easier to read.

Winterfox knows what she's on about too.

Don't get discouraged, it just friendly criticism. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

thanx for all ur good and bad comments, it all helps

and remember im only 16!!!!

If you seriously want to improve and learn writing, then I'd suggest the "Fan Fiction Writer's Resource" at boards.theforce.net , to be exact here :
http://boards.theforce.net/Fan_Fiction_Writers_Resource/b10304

It is Star Wars - Related, so please don't rather post anything non-starwars there, but apart from that it's a great resource ! I've learned quite a lot there !

Also, it is very friendly there. If you decide to post there please try to be reasonably.

The people there are friendly, but also serious in the way that Writing is their main hobby. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

If you don't understand certain terms you can ask me, or one of the mods there. Also, there is a kind of "dictionary" ahead (currently being planned as part of a greater discussion about the furure of that board over there).

Alrik.

thanks m8!!!!!!

Another polite request - maybe this is a generation problem (you're younger than my youngest) - but, please, use the full words your mother tongue provides you with! Not only is it easier to read for any of us, but also this is an international community, and not all have the same proficiency in English. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

8tung ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/exclamation.gif" alt="" />