Alas janggut, you're all too right about the people in retirement 'Homes'. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> But we need an alternative view or two, so here goes...


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I hate to see you standing there on your own Kris – and I can confirm that you are indeed an argumentative old fart.



Old! Old! I may indeed be sailing perilously close to 60 but I’m still in magnificent condition – my sails are still trim and taut, my hull is free of barnacles, and my only slight fault is a tendency for telling outright lies about my physical condition….

But yes, the old (people older than me that is) are of course a bit of a worry. The PR people would have us believe that they are all wise and experienced, but let’s face it – many of them were stupid when they were young, dumb in middle age, and retired clueless. Sadly, they didn’t suddenly get wise or useful at 65.

And the buggers seem to be living longer and clogging the place up a bit, costing the taxpayer a small fortune in support.

But I’m a humane and forgiving sort of person, and we can’t go round clipping them behind the ear with a large hammer just because they’ve become a bit smelly and forgetful. Not in full view of the public anyway.

No. My solution – which I will be implementing just as soon as you clods elect me President for Life – will be to legislate for compulsory involvement of all old farts in a range of extreme sports and dangerous pastimes. The sky will be full off free-falling grannies, and the cliffs and skyscrapers will be lined with base jumping grandpas – all of whom will be whacked out of their gourds on free government booze and drugs.

High powered motor-cycles will be the only permissible transport for anyone over 65 (who will of course be banned from wearing helmets). Older pedestrians will be actively encouraged to cross the road when the signal says ‘don’t walk’, smoke their 3 free packs a day, race in demolition derbies without a safety harness, never use a condom, and be as rude as possible to strangers (OK, probably no big change for many on that last one..).

The old goats will have the time of their lives and expire in quick smart time. The long term savings will be enormous. The best departures will be shown on reality TV, and free funerals awarded. Vote for me – you know it makes sense!