Windows, Mac or Linux? It really depends on how much rage you like in your life. They all have their sucky side so it boils down to what flavour frustration you prefer. Is it more satisfying to scream at Bill Gates, yell curses at Steve Jobs or stick pins into your Linus Torvalds doll?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I once read a survey that revealed that 25% of computer owners admit to attacking their machines! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
Do you find this revelation about the behaviour of your fellow men and women as disturbing as I do? Can you even believe such a number? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
What this means, of course, is that a whopping seventy-five percent of people allegedly DON'T ever attack their computers. What a load of wimps. Are they all on Valium? Don't they use Windows for gaming? Have they never tried setting up a network for the first time? Haven't they ever tried to partition their hard drive and then attempt to get Linux to actually do something useful on it?
Here at my secret underground Computer Labs disasters happen to me all the time and, naturally enough, the only sensible way to cope with these little dramas is to give the system a good thrashing. Computers do understand the master/slave concept but they definitely need to be regularly reminded which one is the master.
There are twenty-seven bones in the human hand and if none of yours have ever sustained a Shift key fracture from thumping the keyboard then, sorry, but you're not trying hard enough. Of course, not everybody can always summon the rage necessary to throw a monitor clean through a plate glass window - that's for the pros. But, with a bit of practise, anybody can get their ticket with a basic keyboard smash if properly executed. Here are some free tips for beginners.
Imagine that you finally cut through the orc army without dying - on the 25th attempt. You reach for the save button and – bingo- the game crashes back to the desktop…
What follows should become automatic - if you are still stopping to think you have not yet quite achieved mastery. The first step is to rapidly pummel the desk with your clenched fists. Only beginners hit the keys immediately.
Work up a rapid rhythm, inhaling deeply as you do so. As you reach a crescendo, raise both fists in unison and bring them crashing onto the keyboard. As you do so exhale with one mighty shout. Novices should stick initially to a single carefully chosen obscenity but more experienced pounders can work up to phrases or even whole sentences. A good starter is "Baaaaaaaastards" with a long shrieking first syllable and as much venomous force as you can muster for the finale.
If you get this right, not only will small pieces of plastic fly across the room in a deeply satisfying manner but if you hit the correct combination of keys the machine will beep loudly, smoke will start to curl out of the back of the box and you will win the opportunity to go out and buy a whole new system.
Before long you will have earned the necessary cred to limp slowly into your favourite Internet café and draw a small admiring crowd of youngsters who want to check out your scars. Gruffly - in your best Clint Eastwood manner - you will be able to finger the livid welts on your right hand and grunt things like "Y2K update -1999", then thoughtfully stroke the stump of your left index finger and growl "Motherboard upgrade - 2000 - blew three sticks of RAM and a sound card before I got that baby home...".
Try it - you'll enjoy it! Ouch! (Sorry, old modem install wound; plays up on me sometimes when I type exclamation marks during a full moon). The only thing that dulls the pain is a glass of sparkling burg... oh bugger.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
