There is no greater happiness than to feel that your precence increases other well being.
Charlotte Brontë
Yesterday I did some thinking (yes, I can acually think! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />). I was thinking about a task in school, for estethic class, which for me means music. Once this year I'll have to bring a music piece (meaning a song) which I like and play it for the class, and then I'll have to explain why I like it. Interesting enought. Well I thought a little about what song to choose and a little about why. After some turns I got into
Ugly (it's in that post, the lyrics). And then I thought of what to say, why I choose that song. And the most important thing about ugly is the lyrics. Theose wonderfull lyrics who really describe what it's like to be whorse then everyone else and how hopeless it makes you feel.
Well, when I grew up, I was never really looked on as likeable. I was far from the most popullar kid in school (and onje difference between a child and a grown up is that a child lets you know if he doesn't like you). I played in a football team at this time, because everyone did. Espessially my best friend. I didn't care much for football myself, I acually found it boring. And I wasn't good at it. My lack of interest and lack of talent soon made me really unpopullar there (too). And the coaches couldn't kick me out, but at the same time, it's bad style to just let go of me and tell me I wasn't suited for football, couldn't I just quit? No, they couldn't do that. But they couldn't let me play either, so I only participated in trainings. And once in a while a game (late second half when we had a comfortable lead. I got to play as forward). At one point my trainer sat down with me to have a chat, and try to explain to me (and at the same time justify his own actions) why he couln't let me play. Couldn't I just understand that I wasn't as good as everyone else? If I prehaps did some training on my own in my free time, prehaps I could develop and get more playing time, but as it was, it was just not possible. Another time I got sent out from a training because makeing push-ups made me dizzy (which I was foolish enough to point it out). To note is that we didn't have our usuall trainer, we had anouther guy (I think he was like responsible for marketing and economy in the club). It was the whorst moment in my entire life.
But I wasn't that popullar in other parts of my life either (even though I wasn't openly despiced as in my footballteam). I think I was kind of accepted in mid grade and upper grade. In upper grade I even had friends (had like two friends earlier. Both from the same geographical area). Four mainlly, but later some more. But mostlly the first four. Two of them where like great pepole, interligent, responsible, friendlly, independent, they had high morals. I really admired them, they where basiclly what I allways wanted to be. And they liked me, I think. Not extremelly much, but they liked me, accepted me. I used to hang out with them in my spare time, one of those two I mentioned lived in this estate (not a grand one, only large) in the countryside, with a huge grounds filled with apple trees and bushes. Great for playing in (which we still did in this age), and the estate was allso big (we played here too). And he had several computers and some good parlour games too. Spending time there was great, most of all because you did things with others. But I'm starting to doubt whenever they really liked me or not, if they only let me come along because not letting me was bad style. Anyway, after we finished upper grade I havn't heard from any of them (but one, which I spoke with on the bus twice. Both if the first few months after ther Gymnasium started again). After than I had no friends. In my new class I there wasn't someone on my wavelenght, and everything I said was stupid or misunderstood. No one there really like me, my precense if for my classmates indifferent. For one year I basiclly walked around and felt I was nothing, not needed in any way by anybody. Believe me, there is nothing so saddening as to everyday feel that whatever you do, nobody will care, and it won't contribue to anything. And trying to change this... Everything I said was generally seen at with lack of understanding, and was generally looked over. After w ahile I felt like reaching out was like trying to get into a house with no door. Everything you could do was to throw yourself against whe wall. After a while you stopped trying, because all you got out of it was the pain from hitting the wall. And all you could do was feel sad and angry because you didn't understand how everybody else managed to get in, and why everybody but you knew how to get in. And feel sad because you were left out of the happiness you could see throught the windows of that house you couldn't get into. And it's with that attitude I found this place.
And you acually helpedme in feeling better. Thank you for that.
Übereil
