Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Needs for Men and Women:
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of
men and women differ so much. And I never have figured
out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their
head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have
figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I
do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?" So she says the words
that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She
explains that I must not be in tune with her
emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally
realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so
I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed
department store. I walked around while she tried on
three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
which one to take, so I told her to take all three of
them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
$200 each to which I say "OK".
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a
set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so
excited. She must have thought that I was one wave
short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis
bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I
think I threw her for a loop when I told her that
it was "OK."
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and
you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm
ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No,
honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ...it
went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And
just when she had this look like she was going to
kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime
during Spring 2018
maybe jokes isn't a good idea, this is long! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

it was good <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
but indeed long <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

here's another long one, but funny stuff!

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants aren’t
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.
Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.
Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.
What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.
How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.
What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.
Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks
How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.
How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.
How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?
What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.

I found these very funny, the guys who have girlfriends will probably laugh too!



20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker instead of the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which
I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up
and carry
on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that
love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to
start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade
teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing,
stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on
their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically
sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming,"DON'T take this the WRONG
WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from mydrink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight..

You probably laughed at the ones that apply to you

nice ones carrie! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt work......a stick

what do you call a smart blonde.....a golden retriever... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor(who treated mules) and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix that problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I justrealized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

very funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ahh; humor on the forum <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

these are old!

Have you read the book:

"the Cat's Revenge" by Claud Bawls or

"Run for the Outhouse" by Willie Maykit, edited by Betty Wont

"Under the Grandstand" by Seymor Butt.


"Rust in the Bedsprings" by I.P. Nightly"



unquestionably some good reading there!................ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

Ok this is bad so at least you are forewarned.

A lonely widow decides to advertise in the personal section of her local newspaper. The add reads "Lonely older woman seeking caring man. Must never walk out on me, must never beat me, must be able to satisfy me in bed". She gets many responses but none of them are what she is looking for. Finally one day there is a ring on the doorbell and she opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. "Im here about your ad" he says. Dubious she asks "What makes you think you are the right man for me?". He replies "Well I have no legs so I can never walk out on you and I have no arms so I can never beat you". "How do I know you are you are good in bed?" Says the old widow "I rang the doorbell didnt I?" Says the man!

just stumbled on this joke, so i had to revive the thread. i thought it was funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What is the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me **Capitalism**. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we will call her the **Government**. We take care of your needs, so we will call you **The People**. We'll call the maid **The Working Class**, and your baby brother we can call him **The Future**. Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally inheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father, "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
Father: "Good Son! can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound sleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of [nocando] in his diaper."

Aye.... and a fine laff it was! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

it indeed was funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> these should be in the "sick jokes" thread. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

yes. I said that these are funny (lol) (lol) but they should be in the sick joke thread, becuase thats what they are. like last time Lynn closed the sick jokes thread (uggh) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

I think the reward for the best joke untill now should go to faile with the elephant joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ...

why, thank you, soulflyer! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yep <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> i agree either that or the "politics joke"