Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Why can you fit more Germans into a room?
They all have square heads.

Why don't Puerto Ricans in New York commit suicide?
You can't jump out of a basement window.

What is 3 miles long and goes 5 miles per hour?
A Mexican-American funeral procession with only one set of jumper cables.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who went around handing out money?
Neither did I.

Why should you take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing?
That way neither one will drink any of your beer.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Several. One to hold the bulb while the others drink until the room spins.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
No don't change the bulb. I'll just sit here in the dark and suffer.

My apologies if I left any nationalities or religious groups out. Also this is meant in fun. I retract everything if I have offended anyone, and yes I have included my own ethnic background in at least one of the above jokes.

Still doesn't mean she'll stay. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" /> (Sorry. A tad jaded lately.)

Please don't anyone be offended by these.......little poems!? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />
are they funny....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> ..........or not! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

I AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)

Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

I AM ITALIAN

Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I AM PAKISTANI

Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.

I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.

A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!

Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!


I AM CHINESE!

Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.

I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,

Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's [nocando] anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa

China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and finally........



I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

A bit long, kinda funny.....
my ex-coworker, sends me this [nocando] all the time..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Now remember...... it's just a joke...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

THANK YOU!!!!


@ clegaw- you had me laughing out loud! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

You think that funny hey faille, I work in a restaurant and I get that and the Bruschetta thing all the time, including thins like can I have a glass of kardonnay (Chardonnay) and can I have an espresso and my wife will have a short black.

Honest to god I get these things, thinking about that, the best one I heard was, "Err waiter, I would like a nice bottle of white wine, you know a Cabernet Sauvignon maybe?"

Or
" How would you like your staek cooked? .... err .... Grilled please!"

I aint kiddin' folks, this is gospel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Something every Restaurant worker needs:

EXRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-hiney opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home.
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
25. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

The following joke doesn't make fun of anyone. It contains no sex. It is not a sick joke. It is thoroughly appropriate for kids, and they will find it funny. So will adults. It probably works better when told out loud rather than being read. Anyway here we go.

A chicken walked into a library, went up to the librarian and said, "Buck. Buck."
The librarian ignored the chicken, but the chicken was persistent and kept saying, "Buck. Buck."
Finally the librarian figured it out and said to the chicken, "You want 2 books, don't you? Book. Book."
The chicken nodded it's head vigorously and again repeated, "Book. Book."
The librarian gave the chicken 2 books. The chicken left with the books and then returned them 25 minutes later, and this time said to the librarian, "Book. Book. Book."
"You want 3 books now don't you?" She gave the chicken 3 books. Again the chicken left and then returned later with the books. This went on for hours with the chicken asking for and taking 2 to 4 books at a time and then returning them a little later. Naturally the librarian's curiosity was aroused.
The next time the chicken came in and asked for 2 books--saying, "Book. Book." The librarian gave the chicken the 2 books and then followed the chicken to see where it went and what it did with the books. The chicken went down the road a little ways and then turned off into the woods. Finally the chicken arrived at a pond where a frog was sitting. The chicken put the 2 books down in front of the frog who looked at the books and said, "Read it. Read it."

um...MeaCulpa...

I think that somehow faile knows about those.
Or at least some.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I love it! I might have to keep that one handy at work.

something i remembered from a while a go:


me no money, me no care
me will marry millionaire
when he die, me no cry
me will marry other guy..

hee, so true. loved those, meaculpa.

The ballad of Anna Nichole Smith.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Five points, Womble! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Arf!x2 <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

There just aren't many knock knock jokes which are actually funny. Here is the best one I know.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
OJ
OJ who?
You should have been on the jury.

Who haven't heard of "The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord" list?

Q: What's three two letter words meaning very small? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />












A: is it in ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

ROFLMFAO! LOL! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

More ethnic jokes targeting nationalities not previously targeted.

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm a lot shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What is the first thing an Eskimo child learns?
Don't eat yellow snow.

Why do Texans bend up the sides of their cowboy hats?
So three of them can fit inside the cab of a pickup truck.

How can you tell if a house is owned by folks from Alabama?
If the porch collapses it kills more than three dogs.

What was unusual about The Holy Roman Empire?
It was neither holy, Roman, nor an empire.

I like those Cleglaw! Non-offensive racial jokes! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />