Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Work



There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK". If you receive WORK
from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else--do
not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two
friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are
already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole
life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at
least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.......so I'm
headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

why did the blonde cross the road?

who knows what that idiot was doing!!!

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side

why did the monkey cross the road?
it was stapled to the chicken

Why did the armadillo cross the road?
He didn't make it across.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt and then cross the road again?
He was a dirty double crosser.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
If was in the second's pouch.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a trend.

Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

Why did the sixth koala fall out of the tree?
It was suicidally lonely.

Why did the tourist die?
Six koalas fell on him.

asian joke:

Haircut

There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...

Good one Kabuti <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Now I am sure some ppl have heard of "Tarzan Lord of the Jungle" now good ol' Tarzan decided that he needed to start using camouflage when ever he wanted to do alittle peeping into Jane's hut, unfortunately the only thing that he could use for camouflage was the cherrie tree outside Jane's hut, so he decided to paint his err .. family jewels red, so they looked like cherries.

Poor Tarzan got discovered when Jane decided to go Cherrie picking ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

another asian joke:

Spielberg and a Pinoy

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"

Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"Tang Na! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!" exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ....Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same."


And one in Dutch:


Iedereen die een hond heeft noemt hem "Rakker" of "Pluto". Die van mij noem ik "Seks". Nu bracht Seks mij nogal vrij regelmatig in verlegenheid. Toen ik naar het gemeentehuis ging om een vergunning op te halen voor mijn hond, zei ik tegen de bediende: "Ik wil graag een vergunning voor Seks.

Hij zei: "Ik zou er ook wel een willen hebben." Toen zei ik: "Maar het is een hond!" Hij zei dat het niet uitmaakte hoe ze er uitzag. Toen zei ik: "Maar je begrijpt het niet. Ik heb Seks sinds mijn negende jaar." Hij zei dat ik toen toch al wel een vrij grote jongen moest zijn geweest. Toen ik trouwde en op huwelijksreis ging, nam ik mijn hond met me mee. Ik vertelde de klerk dat ik een kamer wilde voor mijn vrouw en een aparte kamer voor Seks.

Hij zei dat elke kamer in het hotel voor seks was. Ik zei: "U begrijpt het niet. Seks houdt me 's nachts wakker!" De klerk zei: "Mij ook!" Op een dag nam ik Seks mee naar een wedstr ijd, maar voordat de wedstrijd begon liep de hond weg. Een andere deelnemer vroeg waarom ik liep te zoeken. Ik vertelde hem dat ik Seks wilde laten meedoen aan de wedstrijd.

Hij vertelde me dat ik mijn kansen verspeeld had. "Maar je begrijpt het niet", zei ik, "ik hoopte Seks op TV te krijgen." Hij noemde me een opschepper. Toen mijn vrouw en ik gingen scheiden, gingen we naar de rechtbank om de verzorging voor de hond uit te vechten.

Ik zei: "Uwe edelachtbare, ik had Seks voordat ik getrouwd was." De rechter zei: "Ik ook." Toen vertelde ik hem, dat nadat ik getrouwd was Seks me verlaten had. Hij zei: "Mij ook."
Een paar weken geleden liep Seks weer weg, ik heb uren in de stad naar hem lopen zoeken en bedacht me opeens dat hij dol op kinderen was. Ik ging dus naar het schoolplein hier achter waar het net pauze was en vroeg of de kinderen mee wilden helpen met zoeken, omdat ze hem wel kenden. Een politie-agent kwam naar me toe en vroeg: "Wat doet u op dit

schoolplein?" Ik zei: "Ik zoek Seks met deze kinderen."
Mijn zaak komt vrijdag voor........

A Canadian, a Mexican and a New Yorker go to an expensive French restaurant. The waiter says to them, "Excuse me, gentlemen. We have a shortage of Truffles. No dishes made with truffles are available."
The Canadian asks, "What is a shortage?"
The Mexican asks, "What are truffles?"
The New Yorker asks, "What is-- excuse me, gentlemen?"

Joke of the Day

How to be an Asian gangster

TEENAGE ASIAN GANGSTERS

Your car probably looks like this by now.
Wears a Buddha bracelet on wrist.
Start smoking cigarettes by the age of 13.
Wear some really baggy pants with a white logo T-shirt.
Have either the typical Asian haircut with long dyed bangs or some slicked back hair.
Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe.
Kiss up to older gang members to increase rank.
OLDER ASIAN GANGSTERS

Sport a lot of gold jewelry to show off.
Wear nice tight pants, with HK-Style See-Through Shirts.
Been Smoking for at least 10 years.
Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe.
Tell stories about glorious past to younger gangsters.
Treat the teenagers good so they can introduce you to young virgin girls.
Living at home with parents, still!
Slick back hair, or just regular Asian haircut.
Show off with guns and drugs which actually belong to someone else.
Hang out in gambling dens and massage parlors, but never do anything but watch the other people.
LEADERS OF ASIAN GANGS

Sport A LOT of Jewelry! Expensive shades, expensive EVERYTHING!
Wear nice pants like construction workers, or wear some Italian suits like REAL businessmen.
Probably quit smoking cause you think you got lung cancer.
Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe.
Never really appear in public so your followers think you are always doing something secretive.
Spiky hair, or real old style '70s '80s cut.
When asked for "stuff" or money, always reply "Later, it's not the right time." In fact, you just don't have any.
Own the gambling dens and massage parlors, but the only customers are own gang members/followers.

Outstanding Mea! I'm off to purge my system of 'work' as I speak.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I remember 0 jokes, I'll try to find some to post though.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

oit! funny asian jokes. considering that i'm asian. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> as well as quite a few others in the forum.

now any jokes on americans? are americans by majority irish by descendance? no, this is no joke. just curious.

What is Irish and stays out all night?



















Patio furniture (Paddy O'Furniture)

hee hee!

i'm mostly irish but i know no irish-american jokes. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?












Give him/her a bottle of shampoo that says--Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

A policeman says to some guy, "Your eyes are red. Have you been drinking?"
He replies to the policeman, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Why does management make more than engineers or doctors?

Knowledge=Power
Time=Money

The definition of Power is:
Power =work/time

Substituting for Power and Time we get:
Knowledge=Work/Money

Solving for Money we get:
Money=work/Knowledge

So it doesn't matter how much work you do. The less you know, the more money you will make.

I'm asian myself <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> a friend of mine used to send me the jokes he found funny

Hmm how about Belgian Jokes, I mean we are at risk ofcourse, but there are so many <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Like "Why do all Belgian women have square n*pples?
so the babies get used to eating Pomme Frites !!
(french fries to everyone else, Barta excepted of course)

<See mea running for the door in fear of a Larian Lightning bolt>

Belgium jokes....There's lot's of em..

Alle melkpakken moeten in de België uit de schappen. De tekst
'hier openen' moet vervangen worden door 'thuis openen'.

Twee Belgen aan de wandel zien in de verte een bananenschil
liggen.
"Oei",zegt de ene,"dat gaat weer pijn doen."



> > >> << 26 Things That A Perfect Guy Would Do
> >>
> >> 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
> >> 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
> >> 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
> >> 4. Give you the remote control during the game.
> >> 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
> >> 6. Play with your hair.
> >> 7. His hands always find yours.
> >> 8. Be cute when he really wants something.
> >> 9. Offer you plenty of massages.
> >> 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
> >> 11. Never run out of love.
> >> 12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
> >> 13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
> >> 14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
> >> 15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
> >> 16. Smile a lot.
> >> 17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like
> >> to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.
> >> 18. Appreciate you.
> >> 19. Help others out.
> >> 20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
> >> 21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others
> >> company, even when his friends are watching.
> >> 22. Sing, even if he can't.
> >> 23. Have a creative sense of humor.
> >> 24. Stare at you.
> >> 25. Call for no reason.
> >> 26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just because he loves u
> >> that much to quit it.