Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Here's one i just made up........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> cuz i am! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road?

A:He didn't. he only went half-way...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

English" Signs Found In Asia

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own [nocando]?

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive sideways

In a Beijing department store: Mickey Mouse High Fashion Apparel

Name of small guest house in mountains of northern Pakistan: 'Sea View Hotel'

On a menu in a Hong Kong restaurant: Spanish omelet (tomatoes, mushrooms, onion) Omelets surprise (two parsons)

On CD cover of local artists singing various western songs, name of well-known Roberta Flack song: 'Tonight I calibrate my love for you'

I saw those a while ago, were'd you see em?

at asianjoke.com



It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "[nocando] Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of [nocando].
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it ... like humour ... but different.

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The blonde and the female boss


Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was
elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly
and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
To leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

A blond police officer pulled over a blond motorist for a traffis violation.
"Let me see your identification."
"What is that?" replied the motorist.
Since she herself was blond and knew what she was dealing with, the police officer replied, "It is in your purse and has your picture on it."
The blond motorist spent several minutes looking through her purse and finally came up with a makeup compact. She opened it up and when she saw her face in the small mirror she said, "Oh I found it. Here it is." She then gave it to the policewoman.
When the police officer looked into the mirror she said, "Oh I'm sorry. If I had known you were a police officer I never would have pulled you over."

2 funnies in a row! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

After a ferocious hail storm, the blonde drove her very dented BMW to the garage to get fixed, the mechanic told her he was to busy today with all the repairs, due to the hailstorm, and if she could come back next week,
The blonde answered, Oh no that is way to long, can't you do something quick?
The Mechanic eyeing the blonde smiled and said, I tell you what, here a secret, if you drive your car home, and tomorrow morning early you get up, go to the back of your car blow into the tail pipe, and all the dents will pop out, okay?

The next morning the blonde hunkers down and is blowing with all her might in to the tail pipe, nothing happens ... but a blonde friend of hers walked past, looked at her red face and asks what your doing?

The first blonde explains, the second blonde starts laughing, and says geez your stupid, that will never work!
You have to roll up the windows first !!

why woman love cats


I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde-
pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're
home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat

I like it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

So what does that say about me... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

A frustrated Japanese father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father





Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up.

The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.

The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!





An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)

Japanese Error Haikus
By: HumorPage


In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.








Don't Shoot The Translator!
By: asianjoke.com !


Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.' HOWEVER, THE COMPANY MISTAKENLY THOUGHT THE SPANISH WORD 'EMBARAZAR' MEANT TO MAKE PREGNANT.' So instead, the ads said that 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own [nocando]?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooler and Heater: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:


English well speaking
Here speeching American.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los
Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four
legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no
avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Question and answer blond jokes


Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Erap was just elected president & one of the news reporters goes up to talk to him.

The reporter ask, "Oh congratulations on your victory as a president, now that your president do you plan to dye you hair?

Erap replied, "No my hair is always alive" hahahahah!!!




It is said that there is a magic mirror in Malacañang that slaps anybody who tells a lie.

Sen. Juan Flavier passed by the mirror and said "I think I'm tall," and the mirror slapped him.

Then came Vice President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. "I think I'm the prettiest woman in the Cabinet," and the mirror slapped her.

Then passed President Erap and said "I think . . .," and the mirror slapped him



Shortage of parachutes


A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"



One wish to each


Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

3 guys were stuck on a cliff. while they were looking for a way down, one of them found a magic lamp and a genie appeared. he said, "i will help you get down. just jump off the cliff, and shout out what you want to be and i will turn you into whatever you say." so the first guy jumps and says "eagle!" so he turns into an eagle and flies safely away. the second guy jumps and says "falcon!" he becomes a falcon and flies away. the third guy runs for the edge but trips on a rock and falls over the edge. unfortunetly, as he fell, he cried "sh*t!"

Hehe <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />