Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

there's a pino joke about the same as that one....


Three Ugly Filipinos
By: Anonymous



There were these 3 Filipino girls, and they were the ugliest Filipino girls ever! They finally got so tired of being ugly that they decide to go to the doctor's for help. The doctor looks at them and says, "Well, this is a tough one, but this is what you have to do; jump into a river and say the name of someone you think is beautiful and you will look exactly like that person."

So the first one goes and says "Britney Spears" and when she gets out of the water she looked just like Britney Spears.

Then the second one went and she said "Alyssa Milano" and became Alyssa Milano.

Then came the third one... When she jumped into the river (being so terrified of swimming) said "AY TA-E!" (means [nocando]

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!

Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..
Peter, Peter, something or other..."

oh dear..that's just wrong.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Some Irish jokes, should've posted these yesterday.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

-------------------------------------

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

-----------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

----------------------------------------

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

----------------------------------------------

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash. Immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

---------------------------------------------

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

--------------------------------------------------

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

My favourite joke
two parrots were sitting on a perch. one said to the other can you smell fish.

a joke for those like me who hate art.
how many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?
orange

Another light bulb joke
how many dirty stinking apes does it take to change a light bulb?
50. 1 to change the light bulb the other 49 to throw sh*t at each other.

shortens
a man walks into a bar. ouch.

two men walk into a building. you would have thought one of them had seen it.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> ROFLMAO! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

LOL!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None ..... Californians don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in Jacuzzi's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A redhead goes to the doctor and says "i Dunno what it is, but I hurt every where, look ..." and she proceeds to prod herself in various places each time exclaiming "ouch that hurts" The doctor watches this with fascination for a while and eventually says "you are not a real redhead are you?" "no I am not says the red head" the Doctor says "I know, you are a blonde and you have broken you finger!!"

LOL! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

i don't get it... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

A perch is a type of fish beany. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

aargggh. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />
ok i thought it was a kind of balcony (sp)

thats what i thought to <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />

It's both. Same spelling. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

yep <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> it got me too for a sec there! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
then i laughed out loud right in the store
and everyone stared at me like i'm crazy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

science realted jokes

a neutron walks into a bar and asks for a pint. he then says to the bar tender how much do i owe you? the bar tender replies for you no charge.

a proton and an electron are talking over a cup of tea. the elctron says "i hate my life i might as well just pack it in and leave home." the proton replies "oh why do you have to always be so negative."

Asian Farts Don't Stink
By: Jensa



A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."

The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."




Asian Lady
By: Anonymous




The story goes that there was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady
got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...

(please scroll page down)









































What were you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!







Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".





History Of The World
By: asianjoke.com



A brief History of Time Part I (the B.C. years)

3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

00 A.D. Computer Programmers wiped out of existence for over 900 years due to year Zero K problem.

Part II ( Early A.D.)

79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!

1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.

1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.

1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.

1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with a torpedo.

1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Well...except for the 40 million who don't stop.

1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble. 1

928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.

1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.

1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some Collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.


"I mean, what in the world is this?" you're gonna love this)




(its a real treat)






(a masterpiece)










(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...






"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."





(You're singing it, aren't you?)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
did!!!

@ Mea: That was funny, LOL. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> But then again, I am slightly inebriated. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />