Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

thats the sweet stuff <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

@ mea & wintersolstive -> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

wintersolstive, welcome back! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

Why thank you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the
paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not m iniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.

Question:
why a rabbit?

Answer:
because behind a tree
____________________
Question:
what's the difference between a dead bird?

Answer:
the one on the left has a broken leg.
____________________
Question:
how does a cow catch a rabbit?

Answer:
it stands behind a tree and acts like a carrot.
____________________
Question:
how do you get 15 chickens in a match box?

Answer:
you don't.
____________________
Question:
why does a diver dive out of a boat backwards?

Answer:
cuz when he'd dive forward, he'd fall in the boat! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

With a large thorn a band of cannibals drained blood from a captive's vein every 2 days for years. They then drank the blood. Finally their prisoner said, "Kill me and eat me if you want, but I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."

I love it, MeaCulpa! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Mind you, despite them being better than kids, they still come home with STDs and other blood-transmitals... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />

Old one but a good one

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a
nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please
knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a
tin
cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets
$100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling
it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in
the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

HAHHA <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

old is gold, mea! great one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do
not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...

Wynter!

Long Time, no see! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

@Mea: I´m shocked... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

And another religious one:

Father Martin is completely shocked. As he enters his church shortly after X-Mas the statue of the holy mary is missing. Next day also the statue of St. Joseph is stolen. He asks himself: "why should anyone steal the statues?, they are not worth it.."
So he hides himself in Church to investigate the situation. Shortly after he sees youg Ron running in Church, placing an envelope on the Altar and running away afterwards. As Father martin is too old to catch the young boy he opens the envelope and reads the letter inside.

"Dear Jesus! If you do not make sure that I´ll get better presents next X-Mas you´ll never see your parents again!"

The b*stards! Still the pictures are pretty good... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Pictures? Oh no!! *hides from embarrassment*

that's cute

This is sooo bad, it's good

A BEER DRINKIN' BEAR
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer
to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We
don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the
bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a
beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer
to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

.........You're gonna love this.........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a

Barbitchyouate.

This one is not that good...but I thought it was cute


The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-a-boo) Street is not
just
an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care
Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.
However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at
work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone
and
say: "Picabo..., ICU ".