Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of the sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on the bridge?

Credit Card Chips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



This would be funny if it was a joke, but it probably is true.



CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE DYING



Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.........



This is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer

service being what it is....



My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and

March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then

added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had

been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00



I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:



Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."



CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees

and charges still apply."



Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."



CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."



Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"



CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division,

or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"



Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"



CitiBank: "excuse me?"



Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part

about her being dead?"



CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"



(Supervisor gets on the phone)



Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."



CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees

and charges still apply."



Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"



CitiBank: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"



Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )



CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"



Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )



(After they get the fax)



CitiBank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death..."



Me: "Oh..."



CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."



Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep

billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."



CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."



Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"



CitiBank: "That might help."



Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )



CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"



Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!"

bureaucrats! Ugh! Sorry, Mea, to learn of your experience; it is like a real life bugged quest.

A very, sad chat that is STILL going on right now with me and some sad soul.

Ok, it finished, and here it the final thing!


sprtygirl246: hey
GUARDSGUARDS: Hallo.
sprtygirl246: i thought u were idle?
GUARDSGUARDS: I was Idle.
sprtygirl246: o ok

Auto response from GUARDSGUARDS: Thats the problem with people like you, you never have a plan. Guards! Guards!
Bet you didn't expect that, did you?

GUARDSGUARDS: Well, did you expect it or not?
sprtygirl246: nope
sprtygirl246: i woodve never known
GUARDSGUARDS: Bih.
sprtygirl246: lol
sprtygirl246: wut's up?
GUARDSGUARDS: No.
GUARDSGUARDS: Sorry, but 'wut's' is not "up"
GUARDSGUARDS: :'( I know, its sad.
sprtygirl246: huh?
sprtygirl246: ok
sprtygirl246: o i get it
sprtygirl246: yer funny
GUARDSGUARDS: Clever of you to pick that one up.
GUARDSGUARDS: Most people never understand.
sprtygirl246: lol
sprtygirl246: no i am a blond
sprtygirl246: wut do u look like?
GUARDSGUARDS: Ahh, that explains ALOT.
sprtygirl246: shut is up
sprtygirl246: lol
GUARDSGUARDS: Ahh, don't get upset now.
GUARDSGUARDS: Me?
sprtygirl246: i get it alot
sprtygirl246: yah u
GUARDSGUARDS: Hmm, thats a difficult question.
sprtygirl246: u don't know wut u look like?
GUARDSGUARDS: http://it.stlawu.edu/~tatkin59/images/brad%20pitt.jpg
GUARDSGUARDS: That is me.
GUARDSGUARDS: Wait, no, thats Brad Pitt.
GUARDSGUARDS: I get ourselves confused sometimes.
GUARDSGUARDS: But I look alot like him!
sprtygirl246: u look like brad pitt
sprtygirl246: AWESOME
GUARDSGUARDS: www.guards.com/images/me [color:"blue"] That was a picture of Ian Mckellen [/color]
GUARDSGUARDS: That is my Father.
GUARDSGUARDS: Wait! No, hold the presses.
GUARDSGUARDS: Thats Ian Mckellen.
GUARDSGUARDS: I am so bad at this whole thingy.
GUARDSGUARDS: Hmm?
sprtygirl246: ok
GUARDSGUARDS: Splendid.
sprtygirl246: u look like bradd pitt
sprtygirl246: u must b hott then
GUARDSGUARDS: Thank you, thats a compliment.
GUARDSGUARDS: Yes, I am.
sprtygirl246: ok
GUARDSGUARDS: Are you?
sprtygirl246: i dunno
sprtygirl246: hav david bring a pic of u
sprtygirl246: wen he cums
GUARDSGUARDS: No, I'd prefer him not to be giving anything when anybody cums.
sprtygirl246: huh?
GUARDSGUARDS: Nevermind, and don't search it on google. It was some sort of thing somebody in my class was talking about.
GUARDSGUARDS: A sick pervert.
GUARDSGUARDS: So How Are You?
GUARDSGUARDS: FINE?
sprtygirl246: good
sprtygirl246: u?
GUARDSGUARDS: DRIED FROG PILLS!
GUARDSGUARDS: I am great!
sprtygirl246: lol
GUARDSGUARDS: Um, I'm okay.
GUARDSGUARDS: Sorry, don't know what happened.
sprtygirl246: ok
sprtygirl246: r u a nerd?
GUARDSGUARDS: Me? Of course Not!
sprtygirl246: u r smart
GUARDSGUARDS: NERD is a stupid band.
GUARDSGUARDS: Of course, I am smart.
GUARDSGUARDS: It, is, how do you say it, the trait of an Anthropomorphic Personification to be above average intelligence.
sprtygirl246: omigosh
sprtygirl246: u must b a scientist
GUARDSGUARDS: Me? A scientist?!?! No, well, wait, yes, no, maybe.
GUARDSGUARDS: So.
sprtygirl246: ahhhhhh
GUARDSGUARDS: Why would I be a Scientist?
sprtygirl246: u r confusing me
GUARDSGUARDS: They deal, with, ug, Science!
GUARDSGUARDS: Of course I am confusing you! Thats the whole point isn't it?
sprtygirl246: who is this 2 b exact?
GUARDSGUARDS: This?
GUARDSGUARDS: Well, this
GUARDSGUARDS: DRIED FROG PILLS!~
GUARDSGUARDS: Is the Bursar.
GUARDSGUARDS: Plesent little chap, but I'm afraid he is a bit crazy.
GUARDSGUARDS: And Mr. Anthropomorphic Personification over there is DEATH.
GUARDSGUARDS: He's nice, when you get to meet hi (trust me, everbody does).
sprtygirl246: huh/
GUARDSGUARDS: And this is Lews
GUARDSGUARDS: Therin
GUARDSGUARDS: Kinslayer
sprtygirl246: huh?
GUARDSGUARDS: 13.
sprtygirl246: r u a actor?
GUARDSGUARDS: Nice meeting you!
GUARDSGUARDS: I will see you, yet, ahh, another day!
GUARDSGUARDS: I will not say Good-Bye, but more, Good-Day!
sprtygirl246 signed off at 7:33:47 PM.
sprtygirl246 signed on at 7:38:22 PM.
sprtygirl246: wut wuz that all about?
GUARDSGUARDS: What was what all about?
sprtygirl246: u left
GUARDSGUARDS: I did?
GUARDSGUARDS: Oh yes, bussiness called.
sprtygirl246: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
GUARDSGUARDS: Had to go pick up more DRIED FROG PILLS actually.
sprtygirl246: wut r those?
GUARDSGUARDS: DRIED FROG PILLS?!?!?
GUARDSGUARDS: They are pills, made out of Dried Frods.
sprtygirl246: o
sprtygirl246: interesting:-\
GUARDSGUARDS: Yes, aren't they.
sprtygirl246: yes
sprtygirl246: very
sprtygirl246: do u disect them or sumthing
GUARDSGUARDS: No, no, no! You put them in a- hmm, well, an easier way to explain is that the Archchancellor gives them to me.
GUARDSGUARDS: Ridicully is always giving me some you know.
sprtygirl246: ok wutever
sprtygirl246: b on 2morrow i guess
sprtygirl246: i g2g bye
GUARDSGUARDS: Bad buy.
sprtygirl246: lol
GUARDSGUARDS: Should have gone to Best Buy.
sprtygirl246: lol
sprtygirl246: ok
sprtygirl246: bye
GUARDSGUARDS: GOOD BYE!
sprtygirl246 signed off at 7:42:15 PM.
GUARDSGUARDS: And GOOD Ridence!

[color:"blue"] It was long, but well worth it! [/color]

dude! the girl has not much inkling of your subtle hints & such. much is lost. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sad.gif" alt="" />

anyway, u've shown yourself as an ok person. try NOT to be so obscure in description. heh, i used to do a lot of such things back in my teenage years & people were giving me strange looks for sounding english without speaking any word of it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

i guess that's the bane of conversations with strangers.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> It was fun <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa.' Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!' He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer!?' Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Subject: Request for a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The Response

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5. You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
Management <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But the bags are empty when I leave, honest! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday morning.
A woman comes in and is shopping around. She sees a pink dildo on a shelf and ask the price.

"£12.95," he said.

She bought it and left the store.

Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty blue one on the back wall.

"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.

He said, "£25.00."

"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.

"Well, it has a vibrator in it."

She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She paid for it and left the store, too.

He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when another woman walked in the door.

She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."

He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"

She said, "Why not I will give you £150.00 for it."

He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the shop and went home.

His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"

He said, "I sold my thermos for £150.00!"

Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the tree. A lot of men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked! And remember - Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to good women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Hmm Jurak I think you are getting too much in touch with your feminine side <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

no......it's my feminine friends sending me e-mails.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

Oldie but a goodie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2 Guys are standing at the bar having a pint (cider to you Spick) discussing women, one guy says "hey do you like women with Varicose veins?"
the other guy "nah cant standthat at all"
the first guy says "do you like women with droopy boobs?"
the second guy answers" Ooh yuck NO!"
the first guy asks "So what the hell are you going to bed with my wife for?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

A 90-year-old couple went to see a divorce lawyer. The lawyer asked them," why do you want a divorce? You have been married for 70 years."
The husband replied, "we have always hated each other. We just wanted to wait until the children died."

This is a little known tale of how GOD came to give us the Ten Commandments.
GOD first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

"What's a commandment," they asked.

"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied GOD.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then GOD went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, "What's a commandment?"

"Well," said GOD, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally GOD went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, "How much?"

GOD said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."

Spick: <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@Womble, thought i might get threatened with Cicumcision for doing that one...Too late..Done already. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Reminds me of an old joke:

What do you call a circumcised German?

Helmut Hertz

Soooo bad..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />