Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Oh Gawd....now you've been and done it...don't upset the Krouts. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Shhhhh... Don't mention the war. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

ha -ha -ha-hah-ha! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Faile might like this one, tis about Tattoos.
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Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated it reads "Wy".

When she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.

Jack pops the question to her, she accepts and off they go to Jamaica on their honeymoon! There, they try out all the local culture, including a
nude beach. They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing, and get something to drink at the beach bar.

He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and embarrass himself! He orders a drink from the guy at the bar who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his penis!

Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence, your girlfriend is named "Wendy" and you have her name tattooed on your private too!"

The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing!

Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day"

The doctor says to his patient, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we amputated both legs. The good news is the guy down the hall wants to buy your boots."

The doctor says to his patient, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that the one which was giving you trouble is all right now and won't need to be amputated after all."

The doctor says to his patient, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours left to live. The bad news is that I forgot to tell you yesterday."

the captain says to the crew,
((who BTW have been at sea for weeks and weeks))....
"Listen up mateys"...."i've some good news and some bad news"....
"first the good news"....
the crew listens intently.....
"every man aboard this ship gets a change of underwear".... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

the crew goes wild with cheers and applause...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/party.gif" alt="" />

"now the bad news"
as he starts pointing his finger at the various crewmembers....
...."you change with him", "and you change with him",
"you change with him".... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

On the same theme then......
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A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat.

As the man got out of the boat, the first guy said "Oh my God, buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU!"

To which the new guy responded "Well, alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Fire Truck

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her
dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices
the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Jurak, must u kill me like this? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Even as a cat lover I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

A man was captured by cannibals. Daily they inserted a thorn into his veins, removed and drank a portion of his blood. After 1 year he said to them, "Kill me and eat me if you like, but I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Ha!
A cop pulled over a guy and said, "Your eyes are red. You been drinking?"
He replied to the cop, "Your eyes are glazed. You been eating donuts?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

What about that ?

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

It didn't scare me because

A) old trick.

and

B) I looked at the picture for 10 secounds, tried to think waht the subtitle ment. then went back to another site. Then came the sound from my headphones of hissing and I went back to see what it was.

can som one post a giant list of funny oneliners

example:

Do ents get moring wood. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

tnx in advance

I had a whole website full that I compiled, but it's long gone. I'll see if I have it saved at home.

"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had
no way of crossing the river.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the
strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim
across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this
river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row
across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two,
so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the
strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." And
poof! God turned him into a woman and he walked across the
bridge.

Male or Female?

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender, but in fact they do.
For example...

1) Ziploc Bags --
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers --
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tires --
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon --
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. And of course there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges --
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page --
Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway --
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass --
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer --
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control --
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, let's him feel like he's in control, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps on trying.