Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the
paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not m iniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.

Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"