Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Courtesy of my friend Stan

Humor is universal and the same joke appears in many cultures.
Sometimes only minor changes need be made as changing a church to a
synagogue in "Repaint and thin no more." Sometimes the stories vary
tremendously but the point is the same. Here then are the story of two
pious dogs.

The Jewish Version:

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.
He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor
finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about
how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master,
tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright
with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay,
Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously.
Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts
to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging
my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me
in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that
dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it ... it's too salty and it
gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you
try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you
push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's
disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a
nice long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he
says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.
Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He
thought I said, 'Kvetch'." (Kvetch = Constant complaining)

The Christian Version:

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in
the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist
through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop
to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then
nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your
description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said,
"Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the
dog, "Go get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran
back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its
books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the
pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.
The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the
Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that
normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never
tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel." (Heal)
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on
the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't
Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"

@ cleglaw -> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> that is so hilarious!! fyi, i'm christian & i can take a joke. any day. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hmm have a look http://terrisfp.com/flash3/mole.swf turn on your sound though, oh it aint one of those screaming things so dont worry, is it actually quiet cute <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Woah! You stuffed that link up somehow! Try this one.

EDIT: <groan>. Just <groan>. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

your to quick for me HEF I was fixing it while you where typing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Hehe... too quick! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

It's a really boring day at work today. Far too much time on my hands... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla.
She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?
If there were they'd be Targets.

What would you most want people to say about you at your funeral?
"Look! He's moving!"

A worthless friend of mine took up the practice of meditation. I guess it is better than sitting around doing nothing.

A friend of mine went out with twins.
"Did you like the twins?" I asked him.
He replied, "Yes and no."

A guy walked into an antique shop and said, "What's new?"

An Alaskan was on trial. The judge turned to him and said, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

When the X-ray specialist married his patient, everybody wondered what he saw in her.

"I'm very upset. The doctor told me that I have to take medication for the rest of life."
"What's wrong with that?"
"He only gave me 4 pills."

Those are clever, particularly the Alaskan one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Sounds Steve Wright-ish <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

eg,

I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

lol! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


78496836363% of those were- er, nvm.

Thanks, Mea. Those are great.

Wisdom of the Day <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alcohol is not an answer, but at least you forget the question...

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> That one's getting passed around. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

One blonde asks another: "Which is further, London or the Moon?".....................
The other replies: "Well HELLOOOOO....., can you see London?????!!!!!"

Some blonde enters a electronics store and when a salesman comes by she points and says: "I want that TV"
The salesman replies he won't sell anything to dumb blondes.
The next day the same woman goes back in the store with her hair died black, she points and says "I want that TV"
The salesman replies afain he won't sell anything to dumb blondes.
Confused the blonde leaves the store, "how could he know? my hair was perfectly black"
Yet the other day shes back again, now with hair shaven, even her eyelashes and eyebrows removed, she points and says " I want that TV"
The salesman replies he won't sell anything to dumb blondes yet again.
Even more puzzled the blonde decides to ask the salesman how he knew, so she goes back in the store and asks her question, on wich the salesman replies: "its very simple miss, these are microwaves the TV's are over there!"

I've found a whole page about Steven Wright Quotes, lots of... And I ran into this one, and keep on laughing :

"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said
"How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."