Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Not real jokes but IRC quotes that amused me a lot.

I find the dialogue about the Jews and the clown and Hitler to be offensive. I don't know about the rest of your quotes, because I stopped reading after that one.
I myself have posted ethnic jokes, but I try to keep them good natured.


OK. Back to jokes.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.

hehe funny @Dragh! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok 2 stupid jokes,
The first one CAN be funny in CERTAIN situations (with lots of booze)

- Two penguins are sitting on a fridge.
Says the first penguin: "hey! I have a fantastic idea. Can I push you off the fridge?
Says the other one: "No!"

-An young Dutch man an his father are looking from the seashore in to the open sea.
The little boy points to a directing and says: “look father what’s that?”
That, my son, is a boat.
Minutes go bye.
Suddenly the boy points to a direction and says: “look father what’s that?”
That my son, Is a boat.
Minutes go bye.
Suddenly the boy points to a direction and says: “look father what’s that?”
That my son, Is a HOOVERCRAFT
Huh? And how do you spell that, father,
H-O-O-V…..H-O-E-V…H-O-A-V
Oh no my mistake, it’s also a boat!

Are blonde-jokes unethical? its a joke not an insult. Humor is a way to make soften often tragic subjects, there have been a dumpload of 9/11 jokes, still most of them don't mean any disrespect or discrimination.


bleh jokes:

why did napoleon wear a green belt on weekdays and a red belt on weekends?
- otherwise his pants would fall off.

Two blondes are walking over the street, says one to the other, now its my turn to walk in the middle.

[color:"red"] warning, sleezy.
warning, sleezy.
warning, sleezy. [/color]

3 guys in heaven where given a second chance;
A) can live unless he's violent again
B) can live unless he sexually abuses someone again
C) can live unless he does his exhibitionist tricks again

so they all 3 go to a bar and start drinking a couple beers, A asks for another beer but the barman refuses because he's closing, he takes a dime and trows it towards the barman. POOF! and A has dissapeared. The dime bounces near C's feet, C bends to pick up the dime and POOF both B and C dissapear.

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Don't know if this was posted already or not....so here it is.....again....or not! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

or for the 5th time! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> But its a great joke all the same. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell my big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the
Johnson's did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. All youse gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss.

You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

2 arf's in a row.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
tis a funny one HEF, you too Spick! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?

Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Subject: Request for a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The Response

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5. You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

I don't think i posted this yet! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for the double Header.....thought i'd break it up a bit! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Seen this one?

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
>During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
>I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
>The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
>54 times the sheets were clean
>17 times it was too late
>49 times you were too tired
>20 times it was too hot
>15 times you pretended to be sleep
>22 times you had a headache
>17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
>16 times you said you were too sore
>12 times it was the wrong time of the month
>19 times you had to get up early
>9 times you said weren't in the mood
>7 times you were sunburned
>6 times you were watching the late show
>5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
>3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
>9 times you said your mother would hear us
>Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
>6 times you just laid there
>8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
>4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
>7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
>1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
>KEEP READING.......
>==========================================================
>TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
>I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
>get more than you did:
>5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
>36 times you did not come home at all
>21 times you didn't cum
>33 times you came too soon
>19 times you went soft before you got in
>38 times you worked too late
>10 times you got cramps in your toes
>29 times you had to get up early to play golf
>2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
>4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
>3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
>2 times you had a splinter in your finger
>20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
>6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
>98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
>Of the times we did get together:
>The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
>
>I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you
>prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
>The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe

..............................."Not now Kid".............................

Subject: [color:"#33cc33"]Best Dear John Letter Ever [/color]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear
John"letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
...
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The
distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have
cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
================================================================
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he
had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fu** you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.
Take Care, Ricky <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

got this in my e-mail...... no offence to all you beautiful women out there.....

love this. I know it was written by a woman and NOT a man.


WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY!

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the *****
(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed
10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

One blonde to another
"Which is farther away, the moon or London?"
"Duh! You can see the moon."

How do you circumsize a whale?
With four skindivers.

A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip.
She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Lesson One



An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.



A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two



A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull [nocando] might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of [nocando] is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep [nocando], it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends your two minute management course.

One question IQ test

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?

Think about it first before highlighting the answer...
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
If you got this wrong please - do not pass this, just go dig a hole,
lie in it and pull the dirt back over yourself.
</span>