Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a dam cop writing out a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-d*cked nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse Manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't give a [nocando]. My car was parked around the
corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> It was a Lexus. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> @Mea

An unlucky woman that no luck whatsoever in men decided to start dating again. So she placed an ad in the paper stating:

wmn sk guy,
does nt drink, run or hit, is gd in bed.

several days go by and she's still waiting for a reply.
When she decides her ad was impossible and no such men exist the door bel rings
she asks truogh the "doorphone"
With whom do I speak?
- I've read your ad in the paper
Do you drink?
- No
Do you hit women?
- No
How can I be sure?
- I have no arms.
Do you intend to run away?
- No
Why should I believe you?
- I have no legs.
Then how good are you in bed?
- Lady, how do you think I reached the doorbell?

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought.
Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice.
The friend says, "It's no big problem.
When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up.
Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in QUARTERS!!!!"

Lol!

Some guy had a bet with his brother 20 or so years ago that he couldn't save up 10,000 in pennies. If he could he'd take him to paris for dinner.

The person did it, and the brother doesn't remember it, and no bank will take the money without charging him.

Say your prayers," Butch said, hand poised above the grip
of his chrome-plated forty-five.
"God is dead!" came a tiny voice from
his hand.
The other gunslinger was confused, but didn't have time to
think about it. He reached - and was gunned down before his hand
reached his own weapon.
A hanger-on from the crowd had the guts to ask,
"So what was with that `God is dead' stuff?"
"I," said Butch, "have a
Nietzsche trigger finger.

credit for this original joke goes to my friend, Jason.

Geez Cleglaw you must run around with a bunch of very educated ppl, I am nearing my 50th <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and I have no idea what was funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" />

I didn't get it either.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Friedrich Wilhelm ( living 1844-1900) was a German philosopher.
He's known for denouncing religion, for espousing doctrine of perfectibility of man, and for glorification of the superman, or Übermensche.

So its saying his finger was like Friedrich Wilhelm and denouced religion and liked supermen.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Well, it's probably just not my kind of humor. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

Here's another one:
__________

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's O.K.," says the husband, "we were banned from the supermarket, too."

WhatLews said. Also it is a pun on the term "itchy trigger finger."

One famous philosopher's dad had a lame horse so when they wen for a stroll they always put Decartes (the cart) before the horse.
On another occasion they asked Rene if it bothered him. He said, "I think not," and disappeared.

Another philosopher was asked if he liked a certain girl. He replied, "Heidigger." (I dig her.)

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> I know Nietzsche, but this is what makes it funny. In German the name is pronounced a little differently, that's probably why I was puzzled.

Je suis parceque je pense?

Bl**dy Hell I think I go back to school <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Subject: Titanic or Clinton






PROBLEM: Two videos are for sale. Which to buy? The Titanic video or the Clinton video?

Titanic: $9.99 on Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on Internet

Titanic: Over 3 hours long
Clinton: Over 3 hours long

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a [nocando] artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack [nocando]

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary, basically the same thing

oh my god <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A blonde walks into the doctors office, complaining that when ever she drinks tea her eye hurts.

The Doctor "perplexed" asks here to have a cup of tea to analyse the cause.

After finishing the cup of tea the Doctor says: Well lets start by removing the spoon from your cup before you start drinking <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."