Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Here's one more before I have to leave for the day. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

There was a young man of Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon.
When you least would expect them,
They'd rush from his rectum,
With a roar like a double bassoon.


Take Care
Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Something similar:

There was a constipated musician named Klutz
Whose sh#t was all stuck in his guts
He farted a blast
Left listners aghast
However nothing emerged but some nuts

Shall we continue <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


When The Race For The Moon Runs Its Course,
And Women Are Sent There By Force,
Will The Men They Embrace,
In The World's Outer Space,
Start To Call Making Love, 'Outercourse'?


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."

"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do things my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickle or dime you'll get!"



Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

He should have treated poppy better.

k Here is a silly one

What is black and yellow and does zzub zzub?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> A bee flying backwards </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

Yay! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

What's big, grey and sits in the middle of a field? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>A filing cabinet!</span>

What's big, green, has six legs and hurts if it falls on you? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>A pool table!</span>

I'll stop now... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

Ahat is black and white an lethal? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> an nun with a sub-machinegun! </span>

Why do Norwegians crawl when they go shoping? <span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> they're looking for the lowest prices </span> (in case a Norwegian sees this, don't deny it, try to get your revenge instead, by trying to hit mem whith the same thing (ie a joke). It would me much funnier <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.).

Übereil

So what goes black white red, black white red, black white red?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> The nun with the sub machine gun rolling down a hill after you shot her... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> </span>

Bombissimo....

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four.
You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come.
He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

In Sweden we tell this joke, only that i'ts the Norwegian border! Jokes are international! Here's a story for you!

The scene is a church in Germany. It's a sunday in the thirties. As you hopefully know this was when the Nazis rueld Germany, and hopefully you allso know that they hated Jews. And since it's sunday, there is a divine service (got it from a diktionary, it's what's normally goes on in a church on sundays).
Anyway, the priest is preaching his brains out about Jesus sacrifise or what ever you like (that is Bibelrelated, so he's not preaching about how gordeous his wife is) when he notes that one of the guis in the front road is carrying a jews star on his chest. In case you didn't know, in germany in the thirties they forced jews to carry jewstars on their chest so pepole could harass them (not very funny maybe, but that's the way it was, no matter if you like it or not, at least it helps the story out so it wasn't completely wasted (just as close as it can get)). That means, the guy in the fronty road was a jew. And, since they didn't like jews in a church they had to froce him to leave. The priest amd at a discrete sollution. That means he interrupted his preachery by saying:
"All jews have to leave the church." No less, no more. Pepole noticed a change in tone of the priest and woke up, wondering what was going on. The jew didn't move though. So the priest repeted:
"All jews have to leave the church." Pepole looked aroud, wondering hwo he referred to. The jew didn't move. The priest had to repeat himself once more:
"All jews have to leave the church." Pepole had now noticed who he referred to and was actively asking him to leave (ok, asking was the wrong word, since this was germany in the thirties).
And so, Jesus walked down from his cross, took Maria in his hand, walked forward tyo the jew and said:
"Let's go, they obviously don't whant us here anymore."
And that was the end (and point) of this story.

Übereil

You killed that with the amount of commentry tou laced into it, but I like it a lot! I'm going to remember that one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

It was TOO funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />???

Übereil

Tennessee Mountian Woman

A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home
and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse's helper.

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies.

"I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle.
I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose

A guy walks into his doctors office and says doc I have a serious problem, but I’m super worried you’ll laugh at my condition.

The Dr. reassures the guy he’s a trained professional and he doesn’t laugh at his patients.

The guy replies, hey, I even showed my problem to my wife. My Wife I tell you and even she laughed at me!!!

The Dr. again reassures the guy that all is okay and he will not laugh at him and even promises not to laugh.

The guy goes, okay you promised.
So the guy drops his pants and shorts, lifts up his manhood and there under his penis are his two balls the size of bee-bee’s!!!!

The doctor can’t help himself and starts roaring in uncontrollable laughter!!!

The guy retorts!!! Hey, you promised not to laugh!!!
My nuts have been SWOLLEN like this for days and they are killing me!!!!!

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

So what's the clue of this joke? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It probably doesn't translate well to non Americans. In other words you need to know what "bee-bees" are. I guess they're something small. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> (I have a vague idea that BBs might be small gun pellets in the US, but I'm not sure.)

Anyway, the joke is presumably that he has really tiny balls, but actually thinks they've swollen rather than shrunk...

-----------------------
Here's another:

Two girls were lying on a nudist beach one day watching a rather hunky guy walking out of the water. To their amazement the water got to half way down his thighs and they still couldn't see the end of his 'manhood'.

Fascinated, they kept watching as he waded towards the beach. The water was now down to his knees, and still no sign of the end.... On it went, half way down his calves, and still no sign of it ending. Soon the water was lapping around his ankles and they still couldn't see the tip.

Finally, he stepped out of the sea, and the end of his 'manhood' was dragging a little on the sand....

"What you starin' at girls?" he said "Of course it shrinks when it's cold...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(This is a similar joke, but in reverse - if I understood the one above).

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

You are as bad as my ex-step dad. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

He used to comment that he, at one time, had 3 legs until one caught Polio and shrunk a little.

And yes, Bee-Bee's / BB's are like pellets for a pellet gun except BB's are a bit smaller than pellets. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sleepey.gif" alt="" />

Added comment <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

If he really was that big he'd make a lousy lover due to him always passing out from the blood loss from his whole body going to his manhood. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

It's funny:

They say "bigger is better." But if it's too big, you can't use it all and no one can handle it!

They say "more than a handful is a waste." Those people just don't know what to do with it!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've never ever met a single girl who has ever said this about a want in a guy.
Myself included.

In fact a "Good Sense of Humor" is usually at the top of our list. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

NOTE: Good sense not crass.

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />