Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

A nearsighted drunkard named Dan
Found a church in his search for the can.
A priest in confession
Heard this indescretion:
"Any paper on your side, old man?"


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Pecans In The Cemetery
======================

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead
of the boy on the bike.


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

There was an old hermit named Dave,
Who kept a girl chained in his cave.
The Lord interceded,
Gave the girl what she needed,
And made Dave both her lover-n-slave.


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

A DAUGHTER'S LETTER
===================

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over
the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I
have eloped with my new boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings
and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Johnny said that we
will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to
have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all
the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll
pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Johnny to get better,
he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take
care of myself.

Some day I'll visit so you can know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Is that purely a joke, or has it happened to someone (to you, your friend, your mother, you know, to someone)? Nice one, no matter <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It happened to a lady, but no one I know personally. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

To say the least, the daughters trick worked and the bad grade wasn't much of an issue. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

If she was that smart, I wonder how she got bad grades...

Übereil

Ube <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Who said they were all bad grades? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Some parents flip out if their child gets a 'B' instead of an 'A'. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
I don't agree with that kind of mentality, but they are the parent of the child not me.

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

On the other hand, the "we're happy as long as you're happy" isn't good all the times either. As allways you should try and place yourself in some golden middle (I sound like Bhuddist, but believ me, I'm not).

Übereil

There was an old man named Peach,
Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.
Laid 'em down in a chair,
Plumb forgot they were there,
Then sat down and got bit from beneath!


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

My sister was steamed after reading it.
A friend of mind was a bit peeved too.

I myself agree with you HandEFood. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

I found the Daughter to be quite clever. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, I disagree. I don't think it is funny when kids pulls stunts like that to try to get out of taking responsibility for what they've done.

Shantara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When you're a kid, your parents' reaction to your report card can almost be the end of your world. It was one of the reasons my father and I became estranged. I was not a dumb kid by any means, but my interests were specific. It was the areas that I didn't perform well in or the fact I was easily distracted that he always focussed on, never the good. I spent my last five years of high school avoiding him because he'd only ever focus on my schooling.

I think the daughter didn't do anything too bad. She's not trying to dodge out. She admit's she did poorly. By going to a friend's house and leaving a joke, it lets the parent cool down and think rationally before confronting the daughter, who is no doubt expecting the inevitable.

Sorry about the rambling; bad experience. This is a joke thread. Let's keep the happiness flowing! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Open the door, put it in there and close the door.</span>

How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Open the door, remove the giraffe, insert the elephant and close the door.</span>

The lion king holds his annual meeting of all animals. All animals attend, seated in order of height. Where is the elephant?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Shut in the refrigerator.</span>

You are adventuring in the wilderness and encounder an aligator infested river. How do you cross?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Wade across. The aligators are at the lion king's meeting.</span>

u know, first i would laugh (being a guy with a sense of humour would do <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> i dare say <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> ) ....... THEN i would mete out fitting consequences for the said daughter.

note: i'm not being brutal. just helping her to grow up. but then i have no daughter so ...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

personal experience: it was 2 years ago during the funeral of my grandma. all the relatives were there & a very young cousin of mine asked about grandma's 'new home'. & as for the uncle who stayed with grandma when she was alive, is there enough room in there? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> honestly, i was in sadness but this kid was almost successful in driving the sadness away in an instant with the things he said. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> made me smile & feel thankful that my grandma passed on peacefully in her sleep.

You know, they tried these queston on the Swedish goverment, and a bunch of kids (age: about 2-5 years). Allmost none in the goverment made them, and allmost all of the kids made them. Just a quick note. Can just say, I made them all now, but the first time I heard them I made none of them...

Übereil

Strange how they always test these things on students and professors and parliament members, not to forget all those poor kindergarten kids... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbandsSubject: TAX MAN


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said.
"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband No. 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. .....God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride.
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

@ Mea => <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

A friend of mine e-mailed me this one:


There was this guy who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day.
One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his manhood, which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his manhood which he left sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to prod it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying
"There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady said "what do you mean by that"...
The first little old lady said "Look at that...
when I was 20....I was curious about it.
when I was 30....I enjoyed it.
when I was 40....I asked for it.
when I was 50....I paid for it.
when I was 60....I prayed for it.
when I was 70....I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80 the damn things are growing wild!!!


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />