Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

After a day at the beach Moe asked,
"Joe, how come all the girls are interested in you, and they don't pay any attention to me"?
Joe said, "well, if you won't tell anyone I'll tell you my secret. All you have to do is put a potato in your swimming trunks. Then they will notice you!"
After the next day at the beach, Moe said,
"Joe look, I did what you said, and all they did was laugh at me."
Joe answered, "NO, NO, Moe, Put it in front! Not in back!!"


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Ahhh! finally a potatoe joke....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

orc chief, where have u been? enjoying the tub too much, i think. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> glad to have u out of it & join us here. maybe u should move the tub to your computer room. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A man goes into a bar once a week and orders 3 shots of whiskey set up. Finally, the bartender asks him,
"Why do you come in once a week and order 3 shots.
The man replied,
"My brothers and I used to come in and toast each other and now they are gone and so I do it in their memory."
One day he walked in and ordered only 2 shots.
The bartender set them up, watched him drink them, and asked,
"Why only 2 shots tonight?"
The man replied, "I have decided to give up drinking." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

May i offer you a coffee? SEE BELOW FOR INSTRUCTIONS... VERY CUTE <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Coffee?

1. CLICK ON THE LINK
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to click on < APRI >

That's NOT why I don't drink coffe. Well, at least it wasn't before...

Übereil

Bluck, bluck, ucky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fafnir spits out his Cappuccino!


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I was told to post this one special for MeaCulpa.


A Spaniard from old Albacete
Once knew fifteen goats on a bet-a.
When asked how he felt,
He hitched up his belt,
And said, "I-I-I-I can't-t-t-t tell just as yet-a-a-a-a."


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Faf thanks man we missed those <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
the following joke could be construed as being for ppl of a mature age thus the Spoiler box <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested a whole group of prostitutes, Lulu among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter
standing in line.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied... "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted. </span>

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

To MeaCulpa

Oh my <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> oh man! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Oh my...

Übereil

That's good! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

You know someone is not so bright if they are/have....

01) Not the sharpest pencil in the pack.
02) A few clowns short of a circus.
03) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is dead.
04) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
05) Fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
06) Has a few lose screws.
07) Demonstrates proof that evolution can go in reverse.
08) Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
09) Is full of marbles.
10) Counts to 10 using both hands and feet.
11) Not playing with a full deck.
12) Sharp as a butter knife.
13) Uses white-out* to make corrections on their computer screen.
14) They trip over their cordless phone.
15) They think the extra fork at dinner is in case they drop the other one.
16) They jump out of a plane and ask for directions.
17) They return their bag of M&Ms because it was full of W's.
18) You catch them starring at an orange juice container because it reads concentrate.
19) They ask lightbulbs for ideas.


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

20- puts the monitor on the photocopier to print out word doc's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The Girls Skinny Dipping and the Old Farmer

An old farmer in South Carolina had owned a large farm for many years,
with a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He
grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he
neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!"


The old man frowned and said: "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the
bucket he said..


"I'm just here to feed the alligator."

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture in Idaho when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business...."


" ... Now give me back my dog !"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

[img]http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif[/img] [img]http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif[/img] [img]http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif[/img] [img]http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif[/img] [img]http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl1.gif[/img] [img]http://www.divinedivinity.net/smilies/rofl2.gif[/img]

Those are good! Writeing a joke now is probably very stupid, bu what the heck...

Classical Norwegian joke (at least in Sweden...), three men walking the desert, an German, a French and a Norwegian. (allways three men...) They are all really thirsty, since they've been walking in that stupid desert for hours. Suddenly they arrives to this emty pool, and notices this sign that says:
"When you jump into the pool, say what you would like to land in, and you will land in it." OK, says the ftrench guy, I'll give it a try...
So he jumpes in and he sais "whine", since most french dudes drink whine, everyone knows that, and fair enough, he lands in whine. He swims around in it for a while, drinks a lot, and after a while he is pretty.. Well, in Sweden we sometimes say round under his shoes. Figure out what it means yourself...
When he had crawled out of the pool, and draged himself away to throw up, the German thought: "Cool. Let's try it out". So he jumps into the pool, and says "beer", since Germans drink beer, everyone knows that too. And when he lands the pool is filled with beer, and he does the same thing as the French, and when he's finnished it's the Norwegians turn.
So he walks to the pool, jumps down... But then he realizes he hasn't removed his watch, and he knows that it's a brand new rolex he bought for...just the heck-of-a-lot of money, so he says "Ah, Sh*t!"

Übereil

good one Ube! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

21) smart as a sack of hammers
22) strong like bull, smart like stick! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />

Bull Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breeding Bulls...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow?"

*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

the pessimistic one said "the situation could not be more desperate!"
the optimistic one said "yes it could, yes it could..."

---------------------------------

the American says " situation under control"
the French says "la situation est grave mais elle n'est pas grave" ("situation is dramatic but not without hope")
the Italian says: "la situazione e desesperata but non e grava" ("situation is without hope but not dramatic")

The reason Swedes are so lousy in sports? Well:

"We finnished last! We finnished last! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />"

Übereil