Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
I'll make you deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."

PS Faf does KY know you posted that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

Nasty...

The pope is on a.. Geeze, what to call it? He's on an offissial visit to New York. Anywhay, he's chilling in a cab in the outer parts of town (realistic story...) when he realizes that he's supposed to be on a important meeting in five minutes. He makes a desission, and tells the driver:
"Hey, I have to be on an important meeting in five minutes, so I need you to drive like you're hunted by the devil. Drive on pavements, break the speed limits, as long as you get me there in time."
The driver replies:
"No way dude! If I do that I'll loose my license in no time!" And the pope says:
"Get in the back. I'll drive."
And he does, he drives like a lunitic, and in no time, he's hunted by a cop. (Yes, they have those in New York too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />!) But the cop looks a little ervously at the car. Then he puuls out his radio, and calls the station. The boss replies:
"Yeah?"
"Well, I've got this guy driveing like he's hunted by the devil, or something. He's driveing in 300 on a 100 road."
"Yeah, so? Pull him over and get him here!"
"Erm... I'm not shure that's such a great idea..."
"Why? Is he an officer?"
"Erm... Not really..."
"Then, what's the problem, pull him over!"
"As I told you, that's not such a great idea..."
"Then what is it? Is it the president?"
"No, it's not the PRESIDENT..."
"Then who is it?"
"Erm... I'm not shure, but the pope is the driver..."

Übereil

@Mea where in heck do you get those funnies! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

THINGS MEN KNOW

01) Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
02) Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
03) Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
04) Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
05) Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
06) Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
07) Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
08) Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
09) Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
10) Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

I happened to come over this poinsystem for men.

The princips are quite simple:
If you do something that makes her happy, you get points.
If you something she doesn't like you get minuspoints.
If you do something she expects you get no points at all.
(Sorry guys, but that's the way it is)

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings (+5)
In a blizzard (+8)
But return with beer and three buddies (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
But it was only the cat (-10)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy (-2)
Her name's Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
and she has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to wearing
jeans and baggy Hawaiianshirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply,"Where?" (-35)
Any other (-20)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

So guy, now you might figure out why your wife/girlfriend whants to separate...

Übereil

If you are still married after this ...... I suspect that the woman in the house will be borrowing Luc's frying pan ... very soon <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Where do baby planes comes from? A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess. The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said "Yes she did".
"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS always pulls out on time ... Have your mother explain that to you.

Subject: the man of the house

The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House" by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The fricking funeral director," said his wife.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I can deal with the Pan better than the +1 Boomerang Stiletto Shoe. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

One day, a man named Jeff complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant.......twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

I don't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />...

Got Fanfirs though...

Übereil

Maybe I could explain it by refering to that Victoria's secret picture in the caption thread. Stuff doesn't end up where its supposed to be, so to speak... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />

Oh, so you liked those observations, eh? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

I think that should've been a caption picture.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

I still don't get it...

Übereil

Well I'm sure you will someday...

Can't be a virgin forever right? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

You're not very good at explaining things, you know that?

Übereil

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Those are great, Ubriel and MeaCulpa! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

The court hadn't seen in an age
The king in so vicious a rage;
For the queen, so she said,
Went to read in her bed,
Where the king found her stuck to a page.


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Did you hear about the new divorced Barbie doll?
It comes with all of Ken's things.


An elderly couple in their 90's went to an attorney and asked for a divorce.
The attorney said, "Why do you want a divorce? You've been married for 70 years."
The wife replied, "We've always hated each other, but we wanted to wait until the children died."

@ fafnir -> do u & kyra own so many volumes of such rhyming jokes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />

To janggut:

Kyra_Ny has a secret stash and has allowed me access to them. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I've been very cautious in the ones I choose to post; because, some of them are extremely funny, but very, very raunchy. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

I didn’t want to offend anyone. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />