Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Two biologists, Hansen and Babbit,
Crossed a camel one time with a rabbit.
The offspring was jumpy,
And frightfully humpy,
With a peculiar lascivious habit.


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come
as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the
first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered
in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And the guy says," I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa
wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and
the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the
other with his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you
both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the
street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, I'm fokn discustard, and Mick here has just
come in dispair" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Holy Moly MeaCulpa!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I don't get it... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />



Don't get that...

Übereil

PS Edit: Ah, envy! DS

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband
is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a$$ grill
for one little weenie ?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I think he made some kind of tactical mistake...

Maybe you've heard this but anywhay:

The boss of Heiniken, Budweiser and Charlsberg is out on the local pub (they're all living in the same area, you know...). When a whaitress shows up and ask what they want to drink the boss of Heiniken says:
"I whant a Heiniken, cos it can ONLY be Heiniken!"
The boss of Budweiser counterattack with:
"I whant a Budweiser, the world's nr one!" (or whatever their slogan is, don't care much for it though, it's not what's important about the story...)
And then the boss of Charlsberg sais:
"I'll have a coke."
And the other two goes:
"What?!? You're not haveing beer???"
And the Charlsbergboss replies:
"No, when you're not haveing beer I'm not haveing beer either."

Übereil

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes.
So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.
"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Took that from another forum though.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Oh, both MeaCulpa and LewsTherinKinslayer13

Those were good. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5. I’ve never seen a better spread!

6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10. Don’t play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in? .

16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning and finally-

20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

21. Dont' be careful with it, just rip the wrapping off!

22. oh no, i broke my balls!
23. i'm going to play a while with the sheep <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

There's a standout young swimmer named Bard
Swims a style he's been told to discard.
His backstroke the topic:
For he swims periscopic,
And competes, say officials, way too hard.


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For the engineers out there.

How do a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer determine the volume of a red rubber ball?

The mathematician measures the circumference and applies the formula for the volume of a sphere.
The physicist immerses the ball in a beaker filled with water and measures the amount of displacement.
The engineer looks it up in his book of red rubber ball values.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

To Cleglaw:

Oh, that is sooooo true. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

and a few specially for Kyra <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO DO

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

******And a bit Christmas spirit;***********************


'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable litttle brats, ungrateful litttle jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works !

I've busted my [nocando] for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those *ssholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo's--No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots..they think--I'm IBM !

Flying throught the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I"ll sit on my fat *ss and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

More for the engineers out there.

A minister, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf. At 1st they were enjoying themselves, but then they came up on a group playing ahead of them who were taking a long long time to complete each hole. They would swing erratically and totally miss, or even hit the ball in the wrong direction. After awhile it got on their nerves.

Their caddy said, "Don't be too hard on those guys. They're heroes. They saved some children from a fire and became blinded by toxic fumes that burned their eyes. The owner of the golf course is the father of one of the children whose life they saved, and he lets them play here for free. So cut them some slack. They are true heroes."

The minister was touched and said. "I will pray for them every day."

The doctor said, "I know the head of opthamology at the Mayo clinic. I will contact him and see if there is anything we can do to help these men."

The engineer said, "Why don't they just play at night?"

@ cleg -> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> engineers are pragmatists to a major fault, aren't they?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Good ones! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> keep 'em coming!

It was getting late and the footman traveling salesman didn’t relish the thought of having to sleep outside when he came along a farmhouse.
He knocked on the house door and the farmer of the house answered,
“Yes, sonny. Is there something I can do fer yas?”
The salesman replied, “Yes, Sir could you put me up for the night? It’s getting awfully late and I’d hate to have to sleep outside.”
“I don’t rightly think that woulds be a good idea and I don’t have a hankerin for strangers sleepin in me house”, the farmer replied.
The salesman begged, “Please, Sir anywhere would be fine. Even the floor of your house would be okay.”
The farmer pondered a moment and responded, “Well sonny, there is me barn, but it’s an old barn. I don’t rightly know how she was able to keep standing this long, but she has. I fear though any loud sound might bring her a crashing down.”
The salesman immediately piped in, “That’ll be fine!”
“Okay sonny, just you be careful then and no loud sounds”, said the farmer.

That night the farmer was woke-up by a blood curdling shriek of pure terror!
Followed by the earth shattering crash of his barn!
Immediately the farmer called Emergency care of the nearest Hospital fearing the worst has happened to the salesman!

As the paramedics wheeled the barely clinging to life salesman the farmer ran to the wheeled stretcher the salesman was on and asked him, “Why sonny, why? Why did you yell when I told ya me old barn was so rickety and abouts ready to fall.”
The salesman answered between gasping breathes, “Well, that snake that curled up next to my neck to keep warm I could handle though I was frightfully scared, and that monster of a spider that crawled across my chest had me sweating bullets by the bucket full, but when that squirrel came for another nut, my God,
I just had to yell!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" />

@ Mea => FYI

My hubbie loves my cooking when I do cook. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
He says his mom made to many cooking experiments that rarely tasted good
and that he and his sisters were always the guinea pigs. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


@ Übereil =>

I see from your posts you're missing your love
so here you are Übe, know that you're loved. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />