Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some Collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.


"I mean, what in the world is this?" you're gonna love this)




(its a real treat)






(a masterpiece)








(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...






"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."





(You're singing it, aren't you?)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I did, I did!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

Mea, nothing personlal but there was two things I didn't. The first things was grinn. the second one ws get it. Please, explain yourself.

Übereil

It is a play on an old English language children’s rhyme Ube.


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

Cinderella was queen of the the ball
And she started a real Royal Brawl
When at midnight's last stroke
The magic spell broke:
There she stood wearing nothing at all!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" />

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her panties she says...

"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/xmassmiley.gif" alt="" />

A man went for an audition at a local club.
"You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance
when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Sh*t'!!!
We've been cleaning the place up ever since." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Here's a classic one: Tage Danielsson's The emperors new clothes:

One boy in the audience shouts:
But she's not wearing any clothes!
Then he had to leave since he was under 18. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Übereil

Jesus and his apprentices walked by the lake. Jesus goes on as if the water was land. His apprentices are stunned. One asks "Master, can we do that too?". "Of course!," says the Christ, "Go on! Follow me!". The apprentices, over-eager, rush to him and all fall in the water. "You are stupid, friends: nobody can walk on water! Walk on rocks!".

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> Good one Death:)
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous",! says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" />

The grade school teacher reads a story to the children.
"And then," she reads, "the second little piggie went to the farmer and asked him some straw. The farmer replied... Bobby, what do you think the farmer told the little piggie?
- Bloody hell! A talking pig!"

Back in the old days when they used to ship the cattle to market, they always sent along a cowboy to feed and water the cattle on the long trip.
He had to stay right in the boxcar with the cattle; this is the story of one such cowboy.

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Upon arriving in Chicago the cowboy hot, tired, dusty and thirsty headed for the nearest restaurant, the only seat available was next to a young, good looking, well dressed lady.
He couldn't help but overhear her place her order, "I'll have fowl, wild fowl, make sure it's wild, catch it yourself, garnish my plate lightly with onion, and bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot and not too cold, and not too strong, and waiter I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in here, could you open a window?"

Thoroughly pissed off the cowboy places his order, "I'll have duck, [nocando] duck, make sure it's [nocando], [nocando] it yourself, and bring me a cup of coffee, as strong as Texas mule's piss, blow the foam off with a fart, garnish my plate with horse [nocando], and waiter could you knock down a wall, I smell a whore in heat, there must be a Bitch in the house!</span>

Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

@ Fafnir =>

Uh, smookums...you might want to think about turning it down a notch or two.


Kyra_Ny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Heh <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> smookums <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/xmassmiley.gif" alt="" />

Well, we won't mention Poo-Bear then, oops. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Fafnir <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ooh I can't wait to find out where that endearment came from <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasEek.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />Christmasjoke!Christmasjoke!Christmasjoke!Christmasjoke!
Who invented the first budgetmotel?
Joseph and Maria

Joseph & Maria were at the beach one day with their little one. All the other children were playing in the water and having fun except the little one. He is standing there and crying his eyes out, he wants to get in too.
Another man got very annoyed and yells: "Jezus Christ, what a crybaby"
Maria said to Joseph: "That would have been a nice name for our Harry!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Why was Christ born in a manger?




Because Mary belonged to an HMO.

He offered his honor,
She honored his offer,
And all through the night......
it was honor and offer...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

Übi, this one is for you!!

A pretty Italian boy is riding his expensive Rolls trough the streets of Rome. All of a sudden, he realize that he wants sex, as soon as possible. So, he looks around and notice a beautiful girl with Scandinavian features. He pulls over and gives her a ride. He starts talking to her in his best English and they seem to get along.
After a few hours they are at the Italian' home having sex. After 15 min. the Italian has come and when he lights up his sigarette, he asks her "You finish?"
"No!" said the girl. So he puts out his sigarette, jumps back on her and start all over. After 30 min. he asks the girl "You finish?" "No!!" she replied with a little agre in her voice. The Italian puts out his sigarette and jumps back on top of her. After 1 hour (he is now very sure of himself) he asks "You finish?" "No, I'm Swedish!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />