K quick and dry the way I like em:

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

And an aeroplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.

"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this [nocando] before

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

lot's more I any one wats em <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Not in the mood for cheese?
That excuse has more holes than a slice this fine Gorgombert!