Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

heh I kinda liked Soylent Ascii <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Its a good one.

Taken from the Enya Forum :

Creative Words

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

11. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

12. Beelzebug (n.): The devil in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

13. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

14. Infaction - Brain swollen with facts.

15. Kilopede - Goodness,I've never seen a longer worm!

16. Beebrato - A style of singing that is similar to vibrato and the humming of bees.

17. Satinfaction - The feeling you get when you're wearing a satin outfit.

18. Meopia (me-OH-pe-ah): (1) The inability of a person to see past one's own desires; (2) A condition whereby the afflicted one considers all others to have been placed upon this Earth solely for his or her benefit; (3) A delusional state whereby the victim believes that he or she is at the center of anything important. [see also Conceit, Egoism, High-Maintenance, and Self-Righteousness]

10 points

But more importantly

10 point on the nerd joke meter.

Aye r3$p3t H3F <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Oh God, I can see it now: my next nick: H4ND3F0000D!!1!1! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Subject: Fw: The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! !!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . "



Wait for it. .



It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?









She says:




"You just happened to catch my eye."

Doncha just hate that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />^^^



A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master suite in their hotel. The man's wife leaves, but the staff fails to notice.

A few hours later, the man goes to the manager at the desk and says that he is checking out.

The manager asks him where his wife is.

The man tells the manager that she left him.

The manager asks, "Why, didn't you have a good time last night?"

The man replies, "Yes, I had the best night of my life last night."

The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?"

The man replies, "It was with the maid."








How Golf Is Like Urinating In A Public Restroom

1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you're taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.

Good one Morbo, but don't forget to shake 3 times when you're finished... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Jim goes on vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they are visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law dies.

With the death certificate in hand, Jim goes to the American Consulate's office to make arrangements to send the body back to the U.S. for proper burial.

The consulate, after hearing about the death of the mother-in-law, tells Jim that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive -- it could cost as much as $5,000. The consulate continues and explains that in most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body in the country where he or she passed away. This would only cost $150.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The consulate, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Good one, Morbo <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Poor 100 men... only 12 pints to devide among them.
They must have gotten very thursty. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Signs You Have A Hangover

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside the entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long, your motto is "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

This is not really a joke, but it is a stand up comedy routine of
Jeremy Hotz

It is a 14.5Mb file

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Revelation

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."


Yet another Morbo classic...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />


The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

P.S.: I know another one, but it's a very dirty one, full with nocando's and I don't dare to tell it, but it's still a good one... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Can you link to it?

Star Wars vs. Star Trek

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun."
11. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, the Princess still looks fresh and desirable -- after Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looks like hell.
9. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
7. One word: light sabers!
6. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
5. The Death Star doesn't care if the Earth is class M or not.
4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Empire with one glance.
3. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter-impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
2. Aliens have makeup in other places than their foreheads.
1. Death Star vs. Enterprise!

I just read this! Where'd you get it from?