Alcohol Side Effects: (personal exp)

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.

3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.

7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making an a$$ of yourself.

8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.


In Contempt:


The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you [nocando]!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you [nocando]!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that [nocando], and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Not in the mood for cheese?
That excuse has more holes than a slice this fine Gorgombert!