Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a service station in St. John's on his tour of Newfoundland.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, unaware of who the golf pro is...
"How are ya today".
Tiger bends down to pick up the pump and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey, Son? Says the attendant. "They are called tees." Replies Tiger. "They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving". Says Tiger.

Lard Jaysus!!! Says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Volvo tinks of fuckin everyting".


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

10 points <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Quickly some on ask me if I am a Spidermonkey

Well.......................................are you???

no <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

What do you mean? No?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

^^^^ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> ^^^^

Takes the animal encyclopaedia out of the book case.

Well I don't think so. I've got the 5 limbs of a male human and the picture looks a lot like me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

Muahahahhihihihahahaihiahiahihihihi! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Alcohol Side Effects: (personal exp)

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.

3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.

7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making an a$$ of yourself.

8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.


In Contempt:


The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you [nocando]!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you [nocando]!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that [nocando], and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Very good one!

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's [nocando] I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's [nocando] too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

"Oh yeah" muttered Mea, while trying to get back in to her chair, (mainly cause it is very hard to type while rolling on the floor) "Keep'em comming guys" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't mind if they did, Mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Übereil <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

Answer: The characters go to different places, depending on who you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case letters.

The 20th century bitter cynical nihilist's explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell too.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Delete) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's explanation: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been deleting them??? Can't you hear them screaming??? Why don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you pig!!!

How To Impress A Woman

Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the Earth for her....

How To Impress A Man

Show up naked, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Bring beer. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

I thought they were taken away to be turned into Soylent ASCII.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> And I think that's the first time I've ever used that emoticon!