Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Sry for the tardiness so here are 2 jokes

A guy was driving down a road and he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for help. As soon as the owner opened the door, it started to pour, so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, "OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't touch it."

The man went up to the guestroom, but he was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both but nothing happened.

So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff, he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.

When the monster arrived, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"




There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half-hour. Then, this bully steps up to the bar, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on, man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying."

The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then, as I'm leaving the building, I find out my car was stolen. I get in a cab to return home and I forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

i like the second one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, the second one was the best one. I love our Belgian humour!! It's so black! (not the color)


How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.

What's brown and half eaten?
The Queen Mothers Easter egg.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?
It's called the Jackson Five and Under.

What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
Did I beat David Blaine?


@ Lady Sarah
your's was at also very good!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Ok. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I don't know.tell. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lews are you in suspense? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

No.

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

lol! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

A guy walks into a bar on top of a skyscraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window, the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again.
The man astonished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you know, you are a real a**hole when you're drinking, Superman. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.

Officer: "What's 2+2?"

Blonde: "Ummm... 4!"

Officer: "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde: "Ummm... 10!"

Officer: "Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Blonde: "Ummm... I don't know."

Officer: "Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow."

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde replies, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and very sorry begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart mouth on your knee."

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ablonde phones Directory Information and asks "do you have the number for 911?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Are we on picking on the blondes again?? OK!! I'll join you...

How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for [color:"red"]T[/color]oes [color:"red"]G[/color]o [color:"red"]I[/color]n [color:"red"]F[/color]irst.
How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.

How many grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Oh, don't mind me. I'll just sit in the dark...</span>

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.</span>

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Fish!</span>

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis.

I mean ladder! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" /></span>

Here are some things to ponder as you make your way through the work week. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> We don't know, it's never been done before! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> </span>

Blonde Buys Curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"