Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Both of those are hilarious. I remember that skit, and the Bill soup thing is just to true.

New addition to the periodic table of elements.

New element:Woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (Don’t even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

hooo haaaa hooo haaaaa heeeeh oooh..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />



thanks for the funny smilies Gal..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> now i'll put em to good use! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I had the feeling that they were familiar to me... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
You're welcome, it's one of mine my addictions anyway.

Well Seth, gij slaat de nagel op de kop!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

En toch "sla" ik niet (graag) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla
Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla Sla sla sla sla sla sla sla sla <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I agree.

Übereil

Why am I not surprised?

So I guess you like lettuce, eh? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I like WHAT?!?

Übereil

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Why are Australian males like wombats ?
Because they Eat Roots and Leaves <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohh.gif" alt="" />

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot
Off into a patch of buttercups.
Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.
After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say

“please don’t hurt my buttercups”.
Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.
Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say

“please don’t hurt my buttercups”.
This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechaun standing by him.
The little man spoke to the man and said,

“Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year’s supply of butter for free”.

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied,
“That’s a fine offer, but I have but one question for you,
where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD....that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes...

I decide to change the oil in the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car....

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay the car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk ....

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills....yes, now where is the checkbook? Oops....there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on the desk. I'm going to look for those checks....

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away....

BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers. I head for the door and....Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers....

BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks....

BY THE END OF THE DAY: The oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, I've LOST my car keys....

AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because....

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious....I'd get help....

BUT FIRST I think I'll check the forum.

BY THE WAY, the doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious and that it can be transmitted by posting in a forum. So if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this post.

(I meant to put this warning at the beginning of the message but I got distracted....Sorry....!)

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

Good ones, everybody <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.

Let me try one:

Once there was an Englishman, a German, and a Norwegian working on a building under construction (somewhere, I've got no idea where you can find an Englishman, a German, and a Norwegian at the same time working). When it was time for lunch they all fetched their lunchboxes. The Englishman opened first and found the usuall Fish and Chips, which he got everyday. He says:
"Dammit, not again! I'm getting pretty fed up with Fish and Chips! I've got it everyday for the last 30 years, and my god, am I getting tired of it!"
Then the German opened HIS box, and found the usuall Bratwurst with Kartoffelsallad. He said:
"Nein! Not Bratwurst mit Kartoffelsallad again. Every day, for the last 40 years I've got Bratwurst with Kartoffelsallad, and I'm getting pretty tired of it!"
Then it was the Norwegian's turn to open his box, and he found the usuall Cod, so he said:
"Erm... It seems I've got Cod again... Hmm... It must have gone about 35 years, and I still havn't got anything else to eat at work..."
They all started to eat (with a great lack of enthusiasm), when the German suddenlly sais:
"If I get this to eat tommorow I'm going to jump down the wall." Since this was a pretty high building this would certainlly mean death. The Englishmen sais:
"Well, me too. I've eaten Fish and Chips for the last time!" Then they both looks at the Norwegian. They continue to look. The Norwegian looks back. After a while he sais:
"Ah! Well, then I think I chould jump down the wall if I get cod too..."

The next day, at lunch they fetched their lunchboxes. The Englishman started. He slowlly opened the box. It was fish and chips. He suddenlly looked much paler. He sais:
"Well... A promise is a promise." and quiclly jumped down the wall, and with a splash sound he died. The German and Norwegian looked at the red spot that used to be their friend, and then the German opened the box, quicklly. It was Bratwurst with Kartoffelsalad. He sais:
"Well then..." and jumps. The Norwegian looks at him. And then looks around at the now empty roof. He sais:
"Well, let's se what we've got in our box..." He opens, and it's cod. He sais:
"Well... I DID promice... Erm, let's see." Then he walks to the edge and jumps, and dies.

Later, at the funeral, the wives meet up. They had heard of the reason for their suicide, and they are all chocked. Hte Englishman's wife starts:
"Well, this is chocking. If he had only told me, I would have made him something else." The German's wife agrees:
"Well, me too." The Norwegians wife sais:
"Well, I don't understand it" (And here's the point <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />):
"my husband allways made his own lunches!"

Übereil

Actual Bumper Stickers
Bumper Stickers

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.

Some people just don't known how to drive...I call these people "Everybody but me."

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

More things to ponder
What is the speed of dark?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a turtle loses it's shell... is it naked, or homeless?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin... and it is... exactly what is a fog horn made out of?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Ground-Breaking News!

A fire in a charcole factory today caused $1,000,000 worth of stock. The brick factory next door recorded record profits when it was demolished.