Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

The following excerpts are from an English translation of Umberto Eco's
back-page column, "La bustina di Minerva," in the Italian News weekly
Espresso, September 30, 1994.

..."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground
religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of
mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately
agree with me.

"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh
computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the
opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is protestant.
Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by
the 'ratio-studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly,
conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step
to reach -- if not the Kingdom of Heaven -- the moment in which their
document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is
dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a
right to salvation.

"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free
interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions,
imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the
idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system work you
need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the baroque
community of revelers, the user is closed within the loneliness of
his own inner torment.

"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe
has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of
the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism,
big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility
of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre
decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and
gays to be ministers if you want to....

"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments,
if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is
talmudic and cabalistic..."

Is that so? Lol...

Hey, Cleg is back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />!

Übereil

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Things My Mother Taught Me:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Very good ones Cleglaw! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
I have to remember that when I talk to my son in a few years! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry Übs, I was in a rush earlier..

Looked back to see what Egin posted. He hasn't made a post in thst thread for the last 60 posts...

Übereil

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

Plum pudding has no plums in it nor is it a pudding.

The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, Roman nor an empire.

An egg cream has no eggs or cream in it.

quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
People recite at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?

How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?

your house can burn up as it burns
down, you fill in a form
by filling it out, an
alarm clock goes off by going on.

the human race
is not a race.

That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Very good! That's a keeper. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)

Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!


I AM ITALIAN

Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I AM PAKISTANI

Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.

I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.

A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!

Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!


I AM CHINESE!

Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.

I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,

Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's [nocando] anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa

China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and finally........



I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!


No offence of course!! It's just a silly joke..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked. [color:"red"] Can't argue with most of us being intelligent[/color]
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, [color:"red"] I do [/color]
although I'm pretty sure they were American. [color:"red"]They weren't [/color]

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated, [color:"red"] I like water [/color]
Guns settle disputes, not discussions. [color:"red"]No, swords do [/color]
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing, [color:"red"] Well DUH [/color]
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere. [color:"red"]Not really [/color]
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS, [color:"red"] BK? Oh... *throw up* Washing is good... [/color]
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast, [color:"red"] That sounds horrible [/color]
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL! [color:"red"] No its not, and I have both. [/color]

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world, [color:"red"]You mean its not? [/color]
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE, [color:"red"]That is true... [/color]
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!! [color:"red"] Its pronounced IM-HEIR-I-KAH[/color]
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister, [color:"red"] No its not, and that sounds bad [/color]
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
[color:"red"] Hey, me too! [/color]


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Why did the Canadian cross the road?




Canadians only make it to the middle of the road.

To help the American robber to the Gun store?

Oh dear it is beginning ....


Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were chatting one day when
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in all
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to check their
claims.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asking "Who the hell
is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

***********************************************************************************************
One day the-Prince-who-wanted-to-be-a-tampon was driving around his Mother's
estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite corgi.

The poor unfortunate dog was crushed to a pulp!
The Prince got out of his car, surveyed the squidge that once was a corgi,
sat down on the grass and started crying.
The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be angry as
well.

Noticing a partially buried lamp by his foot he dug it up, gave it a wipe
and, dear reader, low and behold, a genie appeared.

"You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie,
for this I grant you one wish".

"Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that I
need, but let me show you the dog".
As they walked over to the splattered remains of the dog the Prince asked
"Do you think you can bring it back to life"?
The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head.
"This body is far too gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't there
anything else you would like"?

The Prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and took out two
photographs.

"I used to be married to this beautiful woman called Diana", said the Prince
showing the genie the first photograph.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla". He showed the genie the second
photograph.
"You see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make
Camilla as beautiful as Diana"?

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "Let's
have another look at that dog".
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />This is <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />one of the <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />best jokes <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I read today!!Well done, Mea, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

This one time, there was a painter (artist) that was sitting in his couch and talking to his model. They started to get very familiar with each other and moved closer. Suddenly the man hears his wife coming home and said to the girl:
" Quickly, undress yourself, my wife is home!!"

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
If they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio furniture.

Why did the Siamese twins move from Mexico to England?
So the other one could drive.

Becouse they stumble over all Americans laying there and blocking the way?

Not funny. It's not their fault they don't have a Bush to lead the way.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />

Goodbye.