Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

first let me ask why Cleglaw said "Goodbye" ??
second here's a couple of Jokes

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,

"May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,

"May we see the baby now?"

No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."

*************************************************************************************

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike", said the cop, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep,” the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

The following are purportedly a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (that is, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

What for? He can't see my license plate.

2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

3. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

Always wear a condom.

4. When driving through fog, what should you use?

Your car.

5. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

6. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

7. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

8. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

The color.

9. How do you deal with heavy traffic?

Heavy psychedelics.

10. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

Carry loaded weapons.

Is there anyone who knows any of those... describe the caracsident in your own words? They can be quite funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3
men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that
she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my
family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I
was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was
feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely
I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back on the
island.

@ LadySarah

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.

Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years.

This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"
*************************************
Yeah I know predictable
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

In honor of the Potato:

Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

@ Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Sorry guys forgot where the bumpersticker section was so I decided to post them here, since they are funny.

Bumperstickers

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Telephone Problems?

An elderly lady contacted her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then he heard the dog moan loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Ahhh Mea, you always come up with the goodies... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into
a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog,
and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your
loving companion for an entire week." The man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it
to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year
and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put
it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you
for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you
kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Seth >

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> I like that one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@ Mea

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> Poor dog!!

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> That was great, Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

I'll pay that one Lady_Sara <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />