Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Do you think he washes it after every customer <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />?

Übereil

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar

She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly caressing his face with both hands. "Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathesthe bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck and nip at them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers sliding in and out of his mouth.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />

Ole and Lena

Ole was pacing the expectant Father's waiting room,
waiting for news on Lena and the baby.

The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all
was well, he could see his son through the nursery window.

Ole went to the window and asked to see the Thompson baby.

The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he
wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena.

"Something wrong wit the baby?" he asked.

"No, the baby is fine."

"Well bring him over so I can see him."

The nurse did so and behold she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw.

Upon seeing him,
Ole got a big grin on his face and said, "Oh, dat Lena, she burns
everyting!"

The President''s Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

I don't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
"Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it" said the chemist, "I can never remember that word."

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/freak.gif" alt="" />

Ube, "3 to 5 years (old)" is the recommended age of someone to solve the puzzle. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Ah!

Übereil

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair
given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
Nah ..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

I knew it
but still <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

-Those 5 times ware not counting the times he had to explain over and over again.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money
and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe,
and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard,
and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room.
The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

funny office game <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

LadySarah >

Loved the office game! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

It reminded me of a friend and I who constantly dialed
a co-workers work phone number from the fax machine. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Boy, did that drive them crazy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> They can only get mad if you get caught!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Since April 1 is fast approaching. Here's some ideas!

April Fools!

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around.
Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.

She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal
and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.

The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.

He says "The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out
until the end of the school day"!

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome
Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars", says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

CANADIAN EH?

A Newfie was sitting at a bar when this huge, burly American guy walked in.

As he passed the Newfie,
he hit him on the neck knocking him to the floor.

The big, burly American said, "That's a karate chop from Korea."

The Newfie got back on his barstool and resumed drinking his beer.

The burly American then got up to go to the bathroom and,
as he walked by the Newfie, he hit him on the other side of the neck
and knocked him to the floor.

That's a judo chop from Japan", he said.

The Newfie decided he'd had enough and left.

An hour later he came back and saw the burly American sitting at the bar.

He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.

The Newfie said to the bartender,
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Canadian Tire."