Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Payback! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Supposedly a true story from Sweden ... not sure about that ...

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and he would get her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of wine. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girlfriend, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the curtain rods

Nice! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I've had a dead animal in the flue before. Not pleasent...


I loved yours, Morbo! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

I've read it like a dozen times now. And every time it's another country.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I guess it's one of those "jokes" ppl tell eachother as true story, and it started to live it's own life everywhere.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataract is so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

[color:"yellow"]Confucius Says[/color]

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.

He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

Eunuch not strange creature, just man cut out to be bachelor.

Man who dream of eating giant mushroom---wake up with no pillow.

Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.

Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.

Man do not mind bust in mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous lady.

Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress.

Girl who make love in tomb may soon become mummy.

Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.

Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam.

Man who pass gas in church must sit in own pew.

Man with big mouth, beware of foot.

Man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.

House without bathroom, uncanny.

Man who throw dirt, losing ground.

Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn

Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser.

Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.

Man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.

He who have last laugh, not get joke.

Man who throw away watch, wasting time.


Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

"Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree."

Linux joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> I love it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Follow this guide if you want to confuse, scare or just generally annoy anyone unlucky enough to be in the same computer room as you! (I find these so funny! I guess I am Bart at heart! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />)

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

Write a program that plays the Batman TV show theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

You forgot: Push a button, scream "run!" and throw yourself behing a desk. Then carefully look out, at the computer. Then say: "Erm... I think it's cool" and walk back and continue as nothing happened.

Übereil

Good one Ube <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

Leave a message after the beep...

This call will cost you 95 cents per minute

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Too true! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Great Truths
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management/sales position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the [nocando], and disappear for the rest of the day.

Jurak >

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jurak, it's nice to see you back!! Where the hell have you been, we are looking all over for you (in France, in the Moulin Rouge <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> )


More blond jokes, guys??

The Tearful Bride...

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

galadriel & LadySarah >
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> You two and your blonde jokes. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />



"Assessment Letter" for an employee promotion

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Project Leader



The following Memo was soon sent following the "Assessment Letter"

That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line
(i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,) for my true assessment of him.

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

QUOTE:
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

I love those last two!

"Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest."