Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.

He tells her, 'Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... It worked! Her breasts got bigger! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.

On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her larger breasts and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby asked her, 'Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?'

'Why, yes, I do. How did you know?'

'Hickory dickory dock ...'


Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@ Tsel
We have a very similar joke in Dutch, but the words she needed to say are a childsong "k'Zag 2 beren broodjes smeren...", the guy sings the song of "Klein, klein kleutertje" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Helluva Day

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.

So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.

He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Lady Sarah well done thank you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Two guys are walking down the street
when a mugger approaches them
and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets
and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other
and hands him a bill.
Saying, "Here’s that 20€ I owe you."


Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship
that sank in the middle of the Ocean.
They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab
a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days,
they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat,
thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object,
floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find
that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said,
"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey,
I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and
quite frankly, I'm burned out.
You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here.
Make it a good one."

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking,
"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.

"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy,
slapping the first guy up side his head.
"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Here is a quick one:


During the election in GB Blair is suffering from Faulty towers syndrome.

how come?


<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> Don't mention the war </span> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Grrrrrrrreat!!

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

LadySarah >

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Now that is me to the 'T'. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />


HELPLINE CALL

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.
They give the location, name, and everything else just by
scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number
beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."


Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


EDIT: Bonus: Shockwave spoken in English
Soapbox

************Marketing 101***********
The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of the concept.

Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone umber. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to
him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten
his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Representative.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

So I should associate brand names with promiscuity? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> I dunno ..... is it a product <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" />

Yep. These days everything is for sale.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

So what's a freebie?! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

During their Hockey match, The Edmonton Oilers had to postpone
their hockey game, against the Molokai Lepers,
due to a face off in the corner.

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />