Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

New Rules For The Office - Effective Immediately!

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach ofemployment.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hourearly, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks motice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their timewith a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Have a nice week.

change password

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Darn Seth does that mean I have to get a new Password manager <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

I thought you are a manager... ?
So you just need a new password.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Blond jokes again?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings. </span>

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>She can't find the eleven. </span>


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Just remembered one of my father's standard jokes. Don't be offended now...

An american meets a Yellow man (of any kind, to white pepole you all look pretty much the same. Don't be offended, it's just the way it is <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />). After looking at him for a while (this was some time ago, and unwhite pepole where considered to be savages, the whole lot of them) he asks him:
"So, what kind of a nese are you? A Chinese or a Japanese?"
The Yellow man answers in a quite irritated voice (understandable, really):
"I'm from indonesia. What kind of a kie are you? A Yenkie or a monkie?"

(Maybe mispelled, but it sounds allright when you say it).

Übereil

Ube >

I don't get it.
Didn't all of humankind evolve from monkeys? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I like it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Body part!!..

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said:

"You shouldn't be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again:

"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her:

"Boy, she's gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said:

"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued:

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:


One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three,
one day you are going to be very, very disappointed. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Whuhahahahahahahahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Lets have H, lets have a Oo, lets have a R, lets have a A and the Y!! Hooray!! Good one Jurak!

HEF >

Thanks Man. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


Jurak >

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Or very, very sore. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

(in)famous questions, with (appropriate) answers
{guess what profession is nagging at my nerves currently? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />}

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan


Q: How was your 1st marriage teminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: His brain was sitting on my desk in a jar


Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere

You get tired in long meetings?

Your attention span drops rapidly reciprocly to the length of monologues?

Here is the way out!

Play 'BS Bingo'!

How to play:

Take a piece and paper and jot down the words below - whenever you have 5 in a row, horizontally, vertically or diagonally, stand up and yell: BS

synergy / bilateral / goal oriented / corporate identity / risk mamagement

communicate / target / volatile / turn around / benchmark

value engineering / vision / global player / leadership / plan

achievement / focus / TQM / customer oriented / scenario

core competence / data storage / packaging / strategic / shareholder value


Try in your next meeting - you'll be surprised of how fast it's over <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
(especially if your company is consultant infested)

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I guess... Unemployed???

Übereil

Glance >

Both posts oh so true. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Retirement


WHAT RETIREMENT DOES TO ONE! ........... I can't wait......


Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.

After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy him like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys.
Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"

"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR
5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Kids books that were rejected:

01. You Are Different and That's Bad
02. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
03. Dad's New Wife Tony
04. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
05. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
06. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
07. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
08. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
09. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Granddad Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
16. You Were an Accident
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
19. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
20. Your Nightmares Are Real
21. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
22. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
23. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
24. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Pff! Like they need it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

Übereil

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> ....... Muhahahahahahahahaa! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />