Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

I would laugh if my head wasn't hurting that much but what the heck...

Two muffins are baking in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and asks,
"Is it getting hot in here?"
The other muffin responds,
"Holy Sh*t a talking muffin!"

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

Workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing the boss' butt rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichol show or the Bachelor is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located).

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that is exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that

you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm, or
any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (this
often leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Eve's side of the story ................. hehe

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
about and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

THIS WOMAN MUST HAVE BEEN BLONDE, IMAGINE ASKING FOR THIS DISASTER!!

sounds right to me too........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

it's long but definetly worthy of the joke pages....
guaranteed to have both sexes rolling on the floor with laughter.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

> Hair removal
> >
> > You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story.
> >
> > I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out
> loud!!
> >
> > This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it
> should be.
> >
> >
> > As Beth told the story...
> >
> > All methods have tricked me with their promises of
> easy, painless
> removal -
> > the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the
> Nair, the EpilStop,
> and
> > now . . The Wax.
> >
> > My night began as any other normal weekday night. I
> came home from
> work,
> > fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I
> then had the
> thought
> > that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
> couple hours: maybe
> I
> > should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my
> boy with a
> video
> > and
> > head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
> >
> > It was one of those cold wax kits.
> >
> > No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear
> strips in your
> hand,
> > peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and
> ignore the
> > frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in
> the background.
> >
> > No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
> >
> > I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm
> mechanically inclined
> so
> > maybe
> >
> > I can figure out how this works.
> >
> > You'd think.
> >
> > So I pull one of the thin strips out.
> >
> > It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
> >
> > I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften
> the wax (I'm
> > guessing).
> >
> >
> > I go one better:
> >
> > I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten
> thousand degrees.
> >
> > Cold wax, my [nocando]. (Oh, how that phrase will come back
> to haunt me.)
> >
> > I lay the strip across my thigh.
> >
> > I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't
> the best feeling
> in
> > the
> > world, but it wasn't bad.
> >
> > I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> >
> > I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and
> smooth skin
> > extraordinaire!
> >
> > With my next wax strip, I move north.
> >
> > After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in
> fact, becoming
> one
> > with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into
> the bathroom for
> The
> > Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
> >
> > I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> >
> > Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip
> across the right
> side
> > on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina
> and stretching
> up
> > into the inside of the right [nocando] cheek.
> >
> > (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
> >
> > I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
> >
> > RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
> >
> > I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
> >
> > Vision returning.
> >
> > Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the
> strip.
> >
> > Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly
> and tie-dyed?
> >
> > Do I hear crashing drums?
> >
> > OK, coming back to normal again.
> >
> > I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
> caused me so much
> agony.
> >
> > I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
> body hair.
> >
> > I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
> >
> > But why is there no hair on it?
> >
> > Why is the wax mostly gone?
> >
> > Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
> >
> > Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on
> the toilet.
> >
> > I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
> >
> > I touch.
> >
> > I feel.
> >
> > I am touching wax.
> >
> > I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
> >
> > And realize I have just begun living my own personal
> version of "The
> Tar
> > Baby."
> >
> > I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part
> of my body that
> is
> > now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the
> next big mistake
> - up
> > until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on
> the toilet.
> >
> > I know I need to move, to do something.
> >
> > So I put my foot down on the floor.
> >
> > And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
> >
> > Vagina? Sealed shut.
> >
> > [nocando]? Sealed shut.
> >
> > A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have
> to [nocando] anytime
> soon.
> >
> > Your head just might pop off."
> >
> > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately
> to figure out
> what I
> > should do next.
> >
> > Hot water!
> >
> > Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can
> stand and get in
> -
> > the
> > wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
> >
> > Wrong.
> >
> > I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is
> used to
> torture
> >
> > prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.
> >
> > And I sit.
> >
> > Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued
> together is
> having
> > them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a
> tub.
> >
> > In scalding hot water.
> >
> > Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
> >
> > So now I'm stuck to the tub.
> >
> > I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of
> beauty school so
> > surely
> > she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off
> skin. It's never
> good
> > to start a conversation with "So my [nocando] and pussy are
> stuck to the
> tub." \
> > She doesn't have a trick.
> >
> > She does her best to suppress laughter.
> >
> > She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the [nocando] -
> "Are we
> talking
> > cheek or hole, here?" she asks.
> >
> > She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
> >
> > I give her the run-down of the entire night.
> >
> > She tells me to call the number on the side of the box,
> but to have a
> good
> > cover story for where the wax actually is.
> >
> > "You know that if we were working the help line at XX
> Wax Co.and
> somebody
> > called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just
> put them on hold
> then
> > record the conversation for everyone we know.
> >
> > You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet
> if you tell
> them the
> > truth."
> >
> > "While we go through various solutions, I have resorted
> to scraping
> the wax
> > off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the
> girly goodies than
> > covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super
> hot water and
> THEN
> > dry
> >
> > shaving the sticky wax off!
> >
> > In the middle of the conversation (which has
> inexplicably turned to
> other
> > subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace
> that is the
> lotion
> > provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in
> and start
> screaming
> > "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty
> congratulations from C and
> we
> > hang up.
> >
> > I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my
> dismay, that the
> hair
> > is
> > still there.
> >
> > So I shaved the damned stuff off.
> >
> > Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
> >
> > And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine
> cabinet.
> >
> > Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
> >
> > Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

And here's a goody for all you women out there,

Subject: Men

1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like .... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ..... Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .... Blenders .. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ...... Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ..... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .... Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

OK one more then we'll call er quits.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a 'Girls
Night Out'. Needless to say they were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
Since they were very near a cemetery, one of them suggested they 'wiz' behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was
wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers.

She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves.
She dried herself with the ribbon.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and
said, ...
" This 'girls night out' thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her panties !!! "

" Hey man, that's nothing !! " ... said the other husband, ...
" Mine came home with a card stuck to herass that said, ...
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU !! "

Well Jurak, you made me do what no one has ever done before! You made me roll on the floor, pee my pants and hit my head against my desk from laughing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Always glad to help, kind lady... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively.

"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.

"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
------------------------------------------------------------

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'
Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.
Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
------------------------------------------------------------

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags...

Thanks again!
John Smith <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Yo Mama's So Ugly...

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest; they said "Sorry, no professionals"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
- Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.
- Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
- Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
- Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
- Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."


Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@ Tsel I always wanted to post these but I wasn't sure about the reactions here. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Now it will be my turn <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

-Yo Mama got so fat when she jump in the air, she got stuck.
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she trip and fall she made the Grand Caryon.
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she step on the scale said "Out of Order."
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she wore a red rain jacket, everyone yelled "Hey Kool-Ade!"
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she bungee jump she broke the bridge in half!
-Yo Mama is soo fat she wears a V.C.R. as a pager.
-Yo Mama is soo fat that the city gave her own zip code.
-Yo Mama is soo fat everyone at the baseball sadtium sat on her.
-Yo Mama is soo fat when she drop you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
-Yo Mama is soo fat takes you a five mile walk around her.

gal >

They are pretty funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

@ Tsel
Me think so too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Yo Momma so old, she sat behide Jesus in the 3rd grade!!

If you like more "Yo momma jokes check out this page Bunch of Yo momma jokes!
Some are a bit too much too post here, but they are still funny! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

This an ethnic joke, but you all know I'm no racist. I just thought it was very funny. I hope no one is gonna lynch me for that. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

a black boy and his momma where making bread , and the black boy put the flour over his face and said, 'look momma, is is a white boy.' the momma slapped him and said go show ur father.
so the boy goes to his father and says, 'look father, i is a white boy!' the father slaps him and says 'go show ur momma!'
so the boy goes back to his momma, and his momma says, 'so what have u learnt from this?'
and he says,
'ive only been a white boy for 2 minutes and i already hate u black bastards!' <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed..

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I ! will give you a life
span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Roflmao Tsel, very very funny, but ..... alas also very very true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

excellent Tsel,.....now I need wonder no more! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.

> The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis,1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

> The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pound,my right testicle weighs 1 pound and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said turn around." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Oh Jurak!! Your jokes are gonna kill me one day! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


More yo momma jokes!