Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

He asked her what it was she told him that she had visited the tatoo parlor that day and on the inside of one leg she had "Merry Christmas" tatooed, and on the inside of the other one she had "Happy New Year."

Her husband asked her what all that meant and her reply was, Well, now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. When I was a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Actual Instruction Labels...

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Use A Candle

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife
throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great
news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a
baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find
out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their
last bill: "Are you Mrs.Smith? You're a month overdue,
you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and
he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company office
the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife
is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut
yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Two guys are playing golf.

One of them wants to smoke a sigar but realizes he's forgotten his lighter. No problem, the other guy has a Bic with him. The guy with the sigar looks surprised at the Bic, which measures about 12 inches.

"Where did you get a Bic of that size?"

"Well," the other guy says, "I have a genie in a bottle," and he shows him an old bottle.

"Hey that's cool, can I make a wish too?" The first guy asks.

"Yeah sure, here you go", the other guy says and lets him rub the bottle. The genie appears and the guy may do his wish.

"I'd like a 100 million bucks!" the guy says enthousiastically. The genie mumbles some magic words and disappears again into the bottle.

Nothing happens. The guy reaches in his pockets but there's nothing there...

Then suddenly the sky turns dark. Thousands and thousands of ducks appear from the horizon!

"What the f-" the first guy says.

"Oh right", the other guy says, "I forgot to mention this: the genie's a bit deaf. Did you really think I had wished for a 12 inch Bic?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A man is driving home to New York with his wife when he is suddenly overtaken by an cop in a white-and-blue car. The cop motions him to pull over and steps out of his car with a haughty stride.

"Good evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The guy replies: "No idea my good friend!"

The cop asks: "Do you know how fast you were going sir?", and the guy answers: "Oh, I'm sure it was no more than seventy miles an hour!"

At this moment his wife chimes in: "No it wasn't, Tom! You were going at least a hundred!" The guy regards his wife with an icy stare.

"I see," the cop says smugly, noting in his notebook. "And I've noticed you have no taillights, sir?"

"Ahhh," Tom stammers, "It's broken - but it just broke today, I was going to have it fixed tomorrow!"

"Tom," his wife scolds, "That taillight's been broken for three weeks now, and you always said that those cops are too stupid to notice anyway." Tom looks at his wife angrily and growls: "Shut up, damnit!"

"Aha!" the cop smirks. "Three weeks sir? My my." He makes another note. "Oh, and those boards sticking out of your trunk. Did you realize they were sticking out too far? You do know you need to mark those things with a flag, do you sir?"

"Oh, eh, I... really?" Tom stutters, "No, I didn't know about that sir, really it, eh, it was simple forgetfulness!"

"Now, now, Tom!" his wife frowns. "That's not true! You said that you didn't give a rat's [nocando] about flags, and that the cops could stick their flags up their old tan tracks!" Jurgen grits his teeth and clenches the steering wheel. "Shut up, will you, you stupid old bat, or you'll have a black eye tomorrow!"

"Riiight," the cop grins, making another note. "Say," he asks Tom's wife, "is your husband always so mean to you?"

"Oh no, officer! Only when he's drunk!"

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery,knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him,feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key,and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[/code]

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[/code]

Things To Do When I'm The Vampire

I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.

My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.

I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.

I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?

If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.

I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.

I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.

I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.

I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.

As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.

[/code]

FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

[/code]

Women's English:

> Yes = No
> No = Yes
> Maybe = No
> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
> We need = I want
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
> We need to talk = I need to complain
> Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
> You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
> I'll be ready in a minute =Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
> Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]


Men's English:

> I'm hungry = I'm hungry
> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
> I'm tired = I'm tired
> Do you want to go to a movie? =I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Can I take you out to dinner? =I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
> You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
> What's wrong?=What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
> What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
> I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
> I love you = Let's have sex now!
> I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
> Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
> Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others
> I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay


[/code]

Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one.

[/code]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A$$ ON THAT BITCH!"

[/code]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned and was told by the monarch who captured him that he'd be put to death. But the monarch was impressed with Arthur's youthful happiness and offered Arthur a way to regain his freedom. He'd have a year to have a question answered, and if he didn't find an answer, he'd be put to death. The question was: "What do women want?"
Such a question would challenge even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible task. But, he asked everyone. The princesses. The prostitutes. The priests. Wise men. Even the court jester. None could give him a satisfactory answer.

The year came to an end. Arthur had but one day, and he'd been holding off asking one person, the Old Witch, because he knew her price would be high. But, tomorrow would be the day he would be put to death, so he had no choice.

She agreed to answer the question, but only if Arthur agreed to her price first. She wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.

The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous. She had one tooth and smelled like sewage water. She made horrible and obscene noises -- he'd never come across a more repugnant creature. He just couldn't ask his friend to bear such a burden as marrying the Old Witch.

But Gawain, upon learning that Arthur would be put to death, spoke with Arthur and told him no price was to high to spare Arthur from death. So, Arthur told the Old Witch that Gawain would marry her. She, in turn, gave him the answer. "What women really want is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that was indeed the correct answer, and the monarch did indeed spare Arthur's life. But Arthur was now torn between relief and anguish as he prepared for the wedding of his best friend to the Old Witch.

On their wedding day the Old Witch put on her worst manners. She ate with her hands, belched, farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

That night, Gawain steeled himself for the worst having to make love to such a creature. As he opened the bedroom door . . .

. . . there was the most beautiful woman in the world! Gawain was astounded and asked what happened. The beauty replied that since he'd been so kind to her (when she was a witch) half of the time she'd be her horrible self and half of the time she'd be the beautiful sexy woman she was then. It was up to him to choose if she was to be beautiful during the day or during the night.

What a dilemma. Would he rather show off a beautiful woman during the day and be repulsed at night or be in the company of a hideous creature in public but be in the company of an angel for the intimate hours. What to do.

What would *you* do?

Well, Gawain replied that she should choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all of the time, because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral of the story?

It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Smart or dumb. Underneath it all . . . .

She's still a witch.

[/code]

IN THE BEGINNING . . .
. . . God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?

What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth".

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society.

Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before the granting . . .

At this point God created Hell.

[/code]

As I awoke this morning, A new day had just been dawned.
A robin perched upon my sill, To signal the coming dawn.
His songs were gay and cheerful, And he broke the morning's lull.
Then I slammed the window shut, And smashed his little skull.

By ..Waddie Mitchell, ELKO, Nev.

[/code]

SUCCESS (in a nutshell)

At age 4, success is: not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is: having friends.
At age 20, success is: having sex.
At age 35, success is: making money.
At age 60, success is: having sex.
At age 70, success is: having friends.
At age 80, success is: not peeing your pants

[/code]

The phrase "unsolicited commercial email"

produces the anagrams...

Calculation: I'm mediocre slime.
I'm malicious electrical demon.
Economic delirium? Stale claim!

[/code]

A very happy couple on the eve of their wedding day are killed by two stray bullets in a gone-bad(sic) robbery. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, "Please Sir, we were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?"
"Well, St. Pete replies, "It's never been done but I'll check into it."

Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, "Okay, you can get married now."

A couple of months pass and the happy couple aren't so happy anymore.

"Please St. Peter," the man complains, "my wife is driving me insane. If we weren't dead already I'd have to kill her."

"Okay, okay," St. Peter replies, " I'll see what I can do."

A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks done the bitterly fueding couple again to share the good news.

"That's great sir," the man exclaims, " but why did it take so long to get married and even longer to divorce?"

"Well," St. Peter replies, "it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die. How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?"

[/code]

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.

The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you Pinocchio?"

[/code]

Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman

When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "No," then get pissed off when you are believed.

Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement. If he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.

If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in your life (Also see No. 7).

Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

[/code]

The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs

O Little Town of Birmingham

I Don't Fear What You Fear

Oh, Krispy Kreme

Angels I Have Heard While High

Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear

Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!

Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.

Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle

We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas

Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!

Whose Kid is This?

O Stoli Night

Amway -- I'm a Manager

and the Number 1 Atheist Holiday Song...

Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?

[/code]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response -- all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days.

Turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."

[/code]

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals with their eyes opened.

Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
This poem has caused an illegal operation and will now shut down.

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime

these are kinds stupid..but here it goes...

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />One day Silly Sally was walking through the forest when all of a sudden a man jumped out infront of her. "Take off all your clothes," he said. Silly Sally laughed and laughed..she knew her clothes would not fit him.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />Silly Sally was taking her nightly bath when suddenly a naked man jumped in the tub with her. Silly Sally laughed and laughed...she knew there was only one bar of soap.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />"But Mommy, I hate Tommy's guts"
"Shut up and keep eating."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />"Mommy, I hate walking around in circles"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

*applauds for all*

[color:"orange"] Bit of "mature" content this one... Ironically <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> -- Not really a "joke", but I didn't wanna open a new thread just for this <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />[/color]




Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your [nocando]. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a ***** anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---------------

Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKateK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k

------------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. *****.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

-------

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't **** with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

----------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They ******* charge your ***.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ***.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: **** am I hard now.

-------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the ****, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA:
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you **** up.
eminemBNJA: OheminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

------------


sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your [nocando].
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your [nocando].
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly [nocando]
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your [nocando].
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!






__________


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my [nocando] back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart:

is that from albino blacksheep kej? i love that site! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I have no idea... I do know you can find this on a lot of forums, so I figured let's go with the flow <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

The following excerpts are actual answers given on
history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children
between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by
two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced
modifiers, and of course, spelling!

> >> > >Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and
> >> > >mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the
> >> > >Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
> >> > >all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
> >> > >
> >> > >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they
> >> > >made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
> >> > >Moses went up on Mount Syanide to get the ten commandos. He died
> >>before
> >> > >he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
> >> > >porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well
> >> > >as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of
> >> > >busy too.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
> >> > >without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also
> >> > >had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went
> >> > >around giving people advice. They killed him. He later
> >> > >died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After
> >> > >his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
> >> > >hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
> >> > >messier then than they show on tv now.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
> >> > >of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
> >> > >thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped
> >> > >out: "Same to you, Brutus."
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
> >> > >Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
> >> > >The English and French still have problems today.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
> >> > >was a success. When she exposed herself before her
> >> > >troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end
> >> > >of the fighting for a long while.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
> >> > >Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
> >> > >Another important invention was the circulation of
> >> > >blood.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
> >> > >invented cigarettes and started smoking.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
> >> > >foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
> >> > >born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
> >> > >money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
> >> > >comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
> >> > >pentameter.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
> >> > >They lived in Italy.
> >> > >Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her
> >> > >father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know
> >> > >how Italian fathers are.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
> >> > >Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
> >> > >was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since
> >> > >then no one ever found it.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
> >> > >Contented Congress. ThomasJefferson, a Virgin, and
> >> > >Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
> >> > >of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
> >> > >rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse
> >> > >divided against itself cannot stand." He was a
> >> > >naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is
> >> > >still
> >> > >dead.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
> >> > >Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a
> >> > >log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham
> >> > >Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
> >> > >theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors
> >> > >in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator
> >> > >was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
> >> > >This ruined Booth's career.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
> >> > >and has a large number of children. In between he
> >> > >practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
> >> > >attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
> >> > >the most
> >> > >famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel
> >> > >was half German, half Italian, and half English. He
> >> > >was very large.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
> >> > >so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father
> >> > >of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest
> >> > >even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
> >> > >expired in
> >> > >1827 and later died for this.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
> >> > >thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
> >> > >hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention
> >> > >of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
> >> > >up.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which
> >> > >did the work of a hundred men.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I
> >> > >don't know why.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of
> >> > >the Species. It was very long people got upset about
> >> > >it and had trials to see if it was really true. He
> >> > >sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but
> >> > >without
> >> > >watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
> >> > >
> >> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman
> >> > >to do what she did. Other women have become scientists
> >> > >since her but they didn't get to find radios because
> >> > >they were already taken.
> >> > >
> >> > >--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> > >
> >> > >Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other
> >> > >three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and
> >> > >started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have
> >> > >a job, I guess.

WoW! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> that was a lot of those ">" thingy's

why does e-mail always send that [nocando]?? I'll never know <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

but here's a stupid joke, i just got in my e-mail....
i took all those annoying ">>" things out cuz that's how much i hate them! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

and no offence to my U.S. Pals... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

truth is..
actually i read this joke and thought of our forum member mickey ...right away! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> knowing he/she enjoy's a good bit of humor! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

CaNaDa
Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet,"
replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's
going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still
confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in
the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice
hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait
until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."
PAST THIS ON IF YOU ARE CANADIAN!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

WE'RE NOT LOUD-MOUTHED BASTARDS! Okay, maybe on occasion. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

oh great one, jurak! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> i love it! finally a joke on americans & not of them on others!

Why did the Canadian cross the road?


























He only made it to the middle of the road.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

And the bug-eyed altar boy replied, "No, I think it's just the reflection!!"

funny! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> good one!

Didn't saw any1 post this one. a bit old i think but oh well:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was chicken's day off