Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

The Four Cats
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Is this really what women think of us men...

1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like .... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ..... Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .... Blenders .. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ...... Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ..... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .... Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

*chuckle chuckle chuckle* <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I did not! You can't prove it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Fun Things to do in the elevator!

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

Bah! You don't have to be on an elevator to do that. Just ask my friends. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

21. When someone enters, stare at him for a moment, then shout "You're one of them!", and stand as far away from him as possible.

Übereil

This is special just for LadySarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

You Know You're From Missouri When...

Everyone in your family has been on a "Float trip."

Down south to you means Arkansas.

You think Missouri is pronounced with an "ah" at the end.

You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

You think I-44 is spelled "foarty-foar." (St. Louis Only)

You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU.

You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.

You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.

You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport.

You think Imo's is larger than Pizza Hut.

You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.

You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.

There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.

The local gas station sells live bait.

Little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.

All your radio preset buttons are country.

You know enough to get your driving done early on Sundays before the Sunday drivers come out.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Missouri.

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Oh my gosh! I love it!! Where did you find that? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

LadySarah >

I googled "jokes about Missouri"
and I found a web page that had those.

I figured you'd appreciate.

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Yep, I seen those too before.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

You don't even want me to go off on the Arkansas jokes! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm... Think we need to find some California jokes. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Until then, here are some true stories of Computer Problems.

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

And I wouldn't doubt all of those tech
trouble shooting calls came from California. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Not really a joke, but more of a prank
that I did to one guy while I was in grade school.

In blue ink I wrote 666 backwards super heavy and dark
in the palm of my hand, and when he walked by me
in the school hall, I slapped his forehead
with the palm of my hand.
He walked around the school, half the day,
with 666 on his forehead! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I know I was mean. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I thought these were funny but may offense to some.

Star Wars

LadySarah >

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
Those were pretty funny too.
I'd say which ones, but this isn't the
Off Topic like the Germans thread which
uses innuendo for those topics. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

I can't wait <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...

Übereil

A man came home to his wife and says:
Honey I bought some condoms, they where on a special from the Olympic Games, I got a 3 pack with 1 Bronze 1 silver and 1 gold coloured! Which 1 do you wanna try first?

Wife says: The silver 1!
Husband asks: why the silver?
Wife says with a deadpan expression on her face: It's about time you came second!!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you [nocando]...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

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A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."