it's long but definetly worthy of the joke pages....
guaranteed to have both sexes rolling on the floor with laughter.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

> Hair removal
> >
> > You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story.
> >
> > I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out
> loud!!
> >
> > This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it
> should be.
> >
> >
> > As Beth told the story...
> >
> > All methods have tricked me with their promises of
> easy, painless
> removal -
> > the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the
> Nair, the EpilStop,
> and
> > now . . The Wax.
> >
> > My night began as any other normal weekday night. I
> came home from
> work,
> > fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I
> then had the
> thought
> > that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
> couple hours: maybe
> I
> > should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my
> boy with a
> video
> > and
> > head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
> >
> > It was one of those cold wax kits.
> >
> > No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear
> strips in your
> hand,
> > peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and
> ignore the
> > frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in
> the background.
> >
> > No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
> >
> > I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm
> mechanically inclined
> so
> > maybe
> >
> > I can figure out how this works.
> >
> > You'd think.
> >
> > So I pull one of the thin strips out.
> >
> > It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
> >
> > I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften
> the wax (I'm
> > guessing).
> >
> >
> > I go one better:
> >
> > I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten
> thousand degrees.
> >
> > Cold wax, my [nocando]. (Oh, how that phrase will come back
> to haunt me.)
> >
> > I lay the strip across my thigh.
> >
> > I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't
> the best feeling
> in
> > the
> > world, but it wasn't bad.
> >
> > I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> >
> > I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and
> smooth skin
> > extraordinaire!
> >
> > With my next wax strip, I move north.
> >
> > After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in
> fact, becoming
> one
> > with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into
> the bathroom for
> The
> > Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
> >
> > I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> >
> > Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip
> across the right
> side
> > on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina
> and stretching
> up
> > into the inside of the right [nocando] cheek.
> >
> > (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
> >
> > I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
> >
> > RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
> >
> > I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
> >
> > Vision returning.
> >
> > Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the
> strip.
> >
> > Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly
> and tie-dyed?
> >
> > Do I hear crashing drums?
> >
> > OK, coming back to normal again.
> >
> > I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
> caused me so much
> agony.
> >
> > I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
> body hair.
> >
> > I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
> >
> > But why is there no hair on it?
> >
> > Why is the wax mostly gone?
> >
> > Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
> >
> > Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on
> the toilet.
> >
> > I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
> >
> > I touch.
> >
> > I feel.
> >
> > I am touching wax.
> >
> > I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
> >
> > And realize I have just begun living my own personal
> version of "The
> Tar
> > Baby."
> >
> > I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part
> of my body that
> is
> > now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the
> next big mistake
> - up
> > until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on
> the toilet.
> >
> > I know I need to move, to do something.
> >
> > So I put my foot down on the floor.
> >
> > And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
> >
> > Vagina? Sealed shut.
> >
> > [nocando]? Sealed shut.
> >
> > A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have
> to [nocando] anytime
> soon.
> >
> > Your head just might pop off."
> >
> > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately
> to figure out
> what I
> > should do next.
> >
> > Hot water!
> >
> > Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can
> stand and get in
> -
> > the
> > wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
> >
> > Wrong.
> >
> > I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is
> used to
> torture
> >
> > prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.
> >
> > And I sit.
> >
> > Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued
> together is
> having
> > them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a
> tub.
> >
> > In scalding hot water.
> >
> > Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
> >
> > So now I'm stuck to the tub.
> >
> > I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of
> beauty school so
> > surely
> > she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off
> skin. It's never
> good
> > to start a conversation with "So my [nocando] and pussy are
> stuck to the
> tub." \
> > She doesn't have a trick.
> >
> > She does her best to suppress laughter.
> >
> > She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the [nocando] -
> "Are we
> talking
> > cheek or hole, here?" she asks.
> >
> > She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
> >
> > I give her the run-down of the entire night.
> >
> > She tells me to call the number on the side of the box,
> but to have a
> good
> > cover story for where the wax actually is.
> >
> > "You know that if we were working the help line at XX
> Wax Co.and
> somebody
> > called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just
> put them on hold
> then
> > record the conversation for everyone we know.
> >
> > You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet
> if you tell
> them the
> > truth."
> >
> > "While we go through various solutions, I have resorted
> to scraping
> the wax
> > off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the
> girly goodies than
> > covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super
> hot water and
> THEN
> > dry
> >
> > shaving the sticky wax off!
> >
> > In the middle of the conversation (which has
> inexplicably turned to
> other
> > subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace
> that is the
> lotion
> > provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in
> and start
> screaming
> > "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty
> congratulations from C and
> we
> > hang up.
> >
> > I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my
> dismay, that the
> hair
> > is
> > still there.
> >
> > So I shaved the damned stuff off.
> >
> > Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
> >
> > And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine
> cabinet.
> >
> > Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
> >
> > Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

[color:"#33cc3"]Jurak'sRunDownShack!
Third Member of Off-Topic Posters
Defender of the [color:"green"]PIF.
[/color] Das Grosse Grüne Ogre!!! [/color]