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Psychotherapist
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

Here's an oldie but goodie from right here in Missouri! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Rufus And Clarence
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.

Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...

TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

Four mothers are in a psychologist's office having a group session. The session ends with the following conclusions:

The psychologist turns to the first mother and says, "You have an obsession with food because you named your daughter Candy."

He turns to the second and says, "You have an obsession with money because you named your daughter Penny."

He turns to the third and says, "You have an obsession with alcohol because you named your daughter Brandy."

He turns to the fourth mother, but before he could say anything, the mother stands up, grabs her son's hand and says, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"

Morbo >

Now, I like that one! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 3 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke -- the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band Aids stuck to the mirror."

just brilliant morbo

No...

Übereil

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Cleglaw >

I like that one too! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
That is way to good! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?!? She can't be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

@ Clegglaw
It gives a whole other perspective to the saying: "Kiss my butt"
Like Tsel said before: WAY TO GOOD!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

During an etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young woman from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the washroom, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replies, "I'm sorry, I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better, but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal is unpleasant."

Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

And so, the teacher passes out.

Morbo >

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> (roll, roll) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Tsel <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Guy walks into a Huge Cash & Carry store looks around for a while and says to the salesman " Good Grief that is one big Plasma screen"
the Salesman answered "that, Sir is the window!"
The guy replied knowingly " XP is it?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I guess that guy was blonde, no? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

@ Lady Sarah
You are cracking me up!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything...
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

There is a fire at a chemistry factory (in the U.S), and all kinds of fire companys are there to put it out, because of the dangerous chemicals and all. In the back of the factory stands this safe, containing all the important (and yet secret) formulas, which the company is dependent on, so this safe may not be lost, at any cost. And the owners realize this, and announces that there will be a reward for the team that saves the safe. But even though it is a jucy reward, none of the firemen there manages to get in there, because it's to dangerous.
But from far behind comes this really old fire truck. It looks like 50 years old, and components are just flying as they drive. When they come colser you can see the text 'Swedish Volunteerlly Firemen Organization' written on it, but you don't get to see it for long, because the truck just drives right in, and stops by hitting a wall in the middle of the factory. And out jumps this really old crew, and since they're in the middlöe of a burning factory, the start to try to put it out really fast, and acually manage to do so, slowly. During the time the rest of the firestations there just watch in amazement, the owners gets to raise the reward, berfore the Swedish volunteers comes out with the safe. And right away the news teams ar at them, and one of the questions asked to the leader (called Ole, which is NOT a Swedish name, it's probblly Norwegian, or at least Danish) what they will do with the money from the reward now, and he answers:
"Well, the first thing we will do is fix the breaks on that darn truck!"

Übereil

Corporate lesson 1

A man gets into the shower just as his wife is getting out when the doorbell
rings.
The woman quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was
Bob from next door," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say
anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised. "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek, further up you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well
informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Corporate lesson 3

A sales rep, an admin clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The
genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says
the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager, who says, "I want those
two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.



Corporate lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed
with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon
spotted by a farmer, who shot him dead.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.