Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Finally!
An excuse book for everything

To stay in the mood...

A blonde driving down a Midwestern highway spots another blonde in a kayak trying to paddle across the top of a wheat field. She got out of her car and calls out to the "kayak" blonde and says, "It's blondes like you, that give blondes like me a bad name! I'd go over there and kick your butt, if only I could swim!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen


· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just bug off and leave me alone.

§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

· Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

§ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our [nocando]. From there on in, life gets worse

§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

****************************************************

Good ones, Mea, most of them weren't just funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

Loved the excuses book & the guide to zen <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to K-Mart
and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out
positive!"

@Mea
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Good one!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Funny signs

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow out."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Heh Classic (On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." )
Well done LadySarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/down.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Fallen

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to
adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the side walks
in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the
confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said,"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

Things that make you go hmmmmmm...

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

No, you're down-under and upside down. Come over here and you'll see. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Not only that! but the majority of the world drive on the wrong side of the road <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mea, England is NOT the majority of the world...

Übereil

I thought England drove on the correct side of the road, the left? Why do we drive on the left?

It's not?? Oh my God, and I always thought it was! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> Oh no, next you are gonna tell me that Santa doesn't exist too... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

Erm... Back to the discussion if it's you or everybody else that is wrong: Is it 1/4 of the world that drives on the left side of the road or 3/4 of the wold that drives on the right side of the road that is right?

Übereil

Edit: hope I got it right THIS time <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

Conversation redirected to the Helpful Off Topic Thread.

for all you cider drinkers out there who hasn't heard this... It might be somewhere further back in the topic though.

http://www.catsprn.com/dickens_cider.htm