Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately at the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, turns to the captain and says, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

I'd say the neighbour still owns him $800. If nothing else he's got a paper on it (otherwise I wouldn't pay <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />).

Übereil

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Hello!

Don't know, whether I am right in this topic, but a better one I couldn't find.

So excuse me please, if this great thing has been posted already somewhere in this forum.

Here is it the one and only - ebay song !

Just enjoy it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

no offence to albino's but I found it funny





An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Non taken <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />



@ Morbo

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

actual headline of yesterday:

Today is the 100th anniversary of Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Seems like a lot shorter time than that, though

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

And Morbo, I see you've got your old ava back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

yes lately I've been back in my Morbo mood.

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

"I dreamt I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and joked, "You dreamt you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

A blonde goes to the doctor and complains "Oh Doctor no matter where I touch myself it always hurts .......

Doctor looks up and down the voluptuous body and proclaims " well we shall fix that broken finger first, shall we !

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table, with a sign saying, "Take only one Apple please. God is watching."

There was a pile of cookies on the other end of the table, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want. God is watching the apples."

Have to share this with you guys it is just too funny <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Two Trees
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here is one:..................





Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grown between
them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert,
Can you tell if that is a son of beech or a son of birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies, "It is neither a son of beech nor a son of birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my
pecker in."


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were all in Africa on a safari when they got separated from their group and were captured by a tribe of cannibals. While the three of them are tied up, the chief comes up to them and says, "We are going to kill you and eat you, and use your skins to make canoes, but to show we aren't entirely without mercy, we will let you each choose how you want to die."

The Englishman says "give me a gun," and shoots himself in the head. The Frenchman asks for a sword and runs himself through. The New Yorker asks for a fork. Then he begins to repeatedly stab himself all over hundreds of times till he is covered in blood. The Chief looks at him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The New Yorker throws the fork at him and says "F*** you and your g*d*mned canoe!"

Oh, and Micky, nice one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

A drunken old guy stumbles into the front door of a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a shot of tequila, damn."

The bartender looks at him and tells him that he has had enough. So the old guy curses the bartender out and walks out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same guy comes in through the side door and stumbles up to the bar and demands a shot of tequila. The bartender looks at him in disbelief and refuses to serve him again. The old guy curses him out again and storms out.

A few minutes later, the same old guy stumbles in through the back door and before he could say a word, the bartender says, "Listen, I told you already twice that I'm not going to serve you, so get out of my bar, you drunken [nocando]."

The old guy looks at the bartender and says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at?"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

LadySarah, someone told that joke here not too long ago <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

[color:"orange"] LadySarah, someone told that joke here not too long ago [/color] oops! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking
the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people
from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a
bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the
lawyer.