Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen


· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just bug off and leave me alone.

§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

· Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

§ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our [nocando]. From there on in, life gets worse

§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

****************************************************

Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"