Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 real mean looking men sitting at a corner
table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks
him square in the eyes and says,... "Grandpa ... Go home, you're drunk"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to die peacefully like my grandfather--while the passengers in his car were screaming.

And, do you happen to walk into a bra too sometimes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

[color:"pink"] And, do you happen to walk into a bra too sometimes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> [/color]
yup grenally nose frist <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

he-he guffaw guffaw.....snicker snicker <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> me!

Take me home, country road, to a place, I belong... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Mother Goose for today's kids

Mother McGee went to drive C:
to find her poor Windows a byte
But when she inquired, all drive space expired
And not even Stacker would put it right.

Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
and explained how the function keys worked.

Jack and Jill are married still
but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she's fond of a Mac
and RISC makes both of them wary.

Mary had a little Lan
Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
Then part interest in a computer store.

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.


Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

I swear I posted these yesterday, but whatever............ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/puppyeyes.gif" alt="" />

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.

"You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,
"and every time I try to flush, something comes up
and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

ouch! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Übereil

Ouch! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> Haha, very good one Jurak!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


You stupid, very fat woman!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Glad to have you back here Jurak, your jokes are without a doubt, the best I've ever heard. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />

Gal I agree 1000000% this forum would not be the same without ppl like Jurak, and I wouldn't be surprised I Jurak turned up in 1 of the upcoming DD Games!'

*Grins* Imagines a scene of a huge Orc sitting in a Bath tub telling Jokes in the backroom of a pub/tavern <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Oh come on, since you said this right after that particular joke from Jurak, you HAVE to explain what memories <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> . Btw, I was in the army too, but I never had to jump <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Those are great, Jurak! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> (So that's what I have to look forward to...)

Little Joe was bored and was staring out of the class window for several weeks now.
His teacher got it on her nerves and asks him: "Do you have a problem, Little Joe?"
Little Joe answers: " I'm way to smart for the first grade, my sister is in 3th grade and I still know more then she does. So I should be in 3th grade too."
The teacher finds it a difficult matter and decides to talk to the principal about it. While Little Joe is playing outside, the teacher explains the problem to the principal.
"When he gets back in, I will test the boy personally." replied the principal "But when he can't answer all the questions, he has to stay in the 1st grade"
The teacher agrees and let the boy back in the office.
The principal asks: "How much is 3 x 3 ?"
Little Joe:"9"
Principal: "How much is 6 x 6 ?"
Little Joe: "36"
Later, when Little Joe has answered all the questions correct, the principal agrees to send him to the 3th grade.
"Wait!" said the teacher "Let me ask him some more questions."
Principal: "Ok, go ahead"
Teacher: "Of what has a cow 4 and I have only 2?"
Little Joe: "Legs"
Teacher: "What do you have in your pants, and I don't?"
Little Joe: "Pockets"
Teacher: "Wat starts with a 'V' ends with an 'A', is ovale, hairy and tasty?"
Little Joe: "A coconut"
The principals mouth falls open of astonishment.
The teacher continues with: "What goes in, very hard and stiff, and comes out soft and mellow?"
Little Joe: "Chewing gum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and dog on 3 legs?"
Little Joe: "Shaking hands"
Teacher: Give me a word that starts with a 'F' and ends with a 'K'"
Little Joe: "Firetruck"
The principals took a deep breath and sighs. "Let him go straight to the fifth grade, because those last 6 questions, I got them all wrong!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.

13. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

14. I went to a seafood disco last week... and
pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I do not get this one.......

16. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

@ Jurak
What do you call a fish with no I's? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
(ok, I'm starting to act like Mea would <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Very funny Jurak, keep them comin' <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

[color:"pink"] (ok, I'm starting to act like Mea would <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

"Aha. Pinky, I think my scheme to take over the world is beginning!"

2 ducks are flying in the skies
1 duck says "watch out a wall"
the other says Quack!

If a hedgehog and snake mate you get? Barbwire!
If a pig and chicken mate you get? Breakfast

Why do women get meno paus?
To save blood for their varices
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

NOOO, not the pink!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I hate pink!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />