Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

O.K. Mea....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> will do........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Have you heard about the do it yourself home surgery kit?
Suture Self

What do you want people to say at your funeral?

"Look! He's still moving!"

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her. (pronounced spied'er)

Get it? Har har har. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Killerzzz

What do you break by saying it??
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>Silence </span>

what's a synonym for synonym ?

The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Hehe, good one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

****hmm a little naughty perhaps but sheesh a lot of fun <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> *****


<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
Rindercella and her sugly isters


This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).
Irony is that they received not one complaint. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read
...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother
appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass
glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
</span>

One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realises that it's a gay bar, but decides to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and asks "What's the name of your penis?" The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink.” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan Just Do It. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a Ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret." "Why is it secret?" asked the bartender? The man says "It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman".

Knock knock
Who's there?
OJ
OJ who?
You should have been on the jury.


Knock knock
Who's there?
Blue
Blue who?
Wait sorry, I screwed it up. Let me try it again.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Blue
Blue who?
Wait sorry, I screwed it up again.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Blue
Blue who?
Wait sorry, gee--I ought to delete this, but I already typed it. One more time.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Blue?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
Stop yodeling.

Add the letter "a" to the end of each word. Then pronounce each word with a fake Italian accent.

Knocka knocka
Who'sa therea?
I'ma
I'ma whoa?
What do you charge?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />

I need some help I need some one-liner jokes fast. jokes like

I used to be schizophrenic, but now we are all right

Why did the chicken cross the road? To cause a global pandemic.

Yes I know they are a bit "dry" but I need like 25 of these in the next couple of days.

from:!

There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But
if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?

How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?

You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form
by filling it out, and in which an
alarm clock goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented
English, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race
(which, of course, is not a race at
all).

That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !

Atta Boy Cleg! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

Two guys were walking through the woods when they saw a grizzly bear running toward them. One guy tore off his hiking boots and quickly pulled on a pair of sneakers from his bag. His buddy looked surprised. "You don't really think that those will make you run faster than a grizzly bear, do you?" "I don't need to run faster than the bear," his friend replied. "I just need to run faster than you!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again.. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!

A former soldier was telling his drinking buddies about the first time he parachuted from a plane. "When it was time for me to jump, I got to the door and froze. My drill sergeant stood behind me and whispered in my ear, 'If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my ---- right up your ---!'" His buddies asked in anticipation, "So? Did you jump?" He replied, "Uh, yeah. A little at first!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

One more......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would
push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he
got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered "Yes father".

Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."




<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Bravo Jurak, the soldier one brought back memories <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> no I am NOT gonna explain that statement <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

A few one liners for you:

- What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

- Why are the Eskimos's penis 30 cm long and 1 cm diameter?
(Rub your hands together at your waist's height and say: "Brrrr! It's cold here!")

- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A f sh.

- According to a recent survey, 3 people out of 4 does 75% of the population.

- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

[color:"pink"] According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. [/color]

Strange! first thing I notice is there begs erm Legs <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />